'Housebroken'

[Seamus123]

.....

 

[SweetErika]

Especially since you're asking people to read something that isn't Lit-related, you'd be wise to ADD paragraphs yourself. To do so, click the Edit button on your post, then go through your story and at the end of each paragraph, hit the Enter/Return key, just like you would when adding paragraphs to posts or anything else.

I seriously doubt anyone's going to bother getting a headache reading if you can't bother to take a few minutes to make it into easily readable paragraphs.

 

[nymphee]

Seamus, I liked it- although I'm glad you chose not to write about the ghetto that is Aber. Not only is it unspeakably dull, it's already been done. I didn't think it was that bad without paragraphs at all- there was enough dialogue in it to make it readable without giving me too much of a headache. And I thought it displayed a nice vocabulary.

The 8-year jump confused me at first, until I figured out what had happened. Once I did I thought it was a clever way of doing it.
I only had a few (mostly sylistic or grammatical) criticisms. Feel free to ignore them;

-POSSESIVE ITS HAS NO APOSTROPHE. Nor does a plural, except in certain cases where you may pluralise an acronym which is not a proper noun, for example; cd's but never RSPCA's. (I'm an grammar freak, sorry).

-You may want to try hyphenated parenthesis to avoid too many commas, for example; Megan's room was- by modern standards- plain. (This is very much a stylistic thing, and some lecturers hate it, so whether you use it or not is entirely up to you).

-I don't know if it's just a Literotica thing, but you've used apostrophes instead of speach marks through out. Depending on how much of a pedant your lecturer is, you may want to change ' for ".

-Paragraphs would probably make more people willing to read it, if you have time to edit the post.

-I'm assuming that the 16-year old Megan is supposed to be the modern-day Megan, in which case, 8-year old Megan was 8 years ago. If this is so, McFly weren't around 8 years ago, nor were Girls Aloud so you might want to substitute McFly for *NSYNC and Girls Aloud for, uh, <mind goes blank> (Not that you're tutor is all that likely to know, I suppose)

-Keiron is an Irish name. I know that you probably already know that already, I just stuck it in, in case you'd wanted a traditional Welsh name.

This all probably sounds really pedantic, and they're just my suggestions (except for the possesive its thing, which you might want to change)

Hope I could be some help and haven't pissed you off too much.
n x