hot tub and dirty jokes......

[Kat-44]

ok folks time for some jokes, feel free to post some!
young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," the boss replied, "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants off, I'm not mad anymore."
_________________________________________________


A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardend criminals.
_________________________________________________

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy,
I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
__________________________________________________

 

[captjack]

Ok Kat, I'll play a little while

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, as much as he bargined, said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "Your agent's at door selling tickets."

 

[captjack]

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."


HMMMM does it mean if we put dirty jokes here in the tub, they will than be clean, or will they insead leave a ring

also found this, one of the ladies might like it http://www.neonfire.com/_images/vgrl/button8.gif

 

[Southern37]

Hey!

Hi kat...Long time! Welcome to the BB! You need to come over to the general bb too...estevie is always there. Good to see you.

BTW....you're a lot better looking than I thought.

 

[Tx girl]

Kat and Southern!!! Hey ya'll! Good to see you both! *hugggggggggggs*

 

[ShiningEyes]

hey....great jokes so far!!

 

[tnguy04]

Only in America

>1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
>ambulance.
>
>2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
>skating rink.
>
>3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
>the back of the store to get their prescriptions
>while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>
>4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
>fries, and a diet coke.
>
>5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
>the pens to the counters.
>
>6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
>the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>
>7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
>then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
>want to talk to in the first place.
>
>8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
>in packages of eight.
>
>9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
>process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
>'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
>10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
>lettering.

 

[tnguy04]

Help

After just a few years of marriage, filled with
constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only
way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been
at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office,
the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the
husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the
other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing
all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat
her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in
disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the
husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[ShiningEyes]

Great to see you TN Guy!!! How have you been???? I haven't been posting in a while! Miss ya, hun!! I'll more than likely be in TN sometime this month. Taking a trip to Mississippi for a few weeks!

 

[Kat-44]

ty capt jack and tn, , good ones, lol!hugggggggs
Hi southern huggggggs,thank you! well what can i say, i even put my worse pic up for my av, lol.yours looks good too!
Tx, huggggggggg
Hi shining...thanks for the contributions! have a good evening all

btw southern.........i meant to post under general, duhhh, so I screwed up again, lol

 

[estevie]

Re: Hey!

Hi kat...Long time! Welcome to the BB! You need to come over to the general bb too...estevie is always there. Good to see you.

BTW....you're a lot better looking than I thought.

I am not always here!!!!

Hey Kat, Southern told me y'all were hanging at the personals...its wonderful to see you!!! I went into the tub the other day...know how many people I knew? Go on, take a guess...ok, I'll tell you...1, I knew one person...*shaking head in sadness* I felt like a newbie in my once second home...*crying openly* it was sad...so very very sad!

Anyway , I'm off to read the hottub thread...holy shit, its long!!!


ohh, and Southern...with comments like that you wonder why you don't get laid???


Hey Tx, you sexy bitch!!! Did I say I liked that tat?

 

[baby blue]

Kat, I love this thread...keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tnguy04]

Sunday Afternoon

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a
>Sunday afternoon
>quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment
>was to send him out
>on the balcony and order him to report on all the
>neighborhood
>activities.
>
>The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
>plans into
>operation. "There's a car being towed from the
>parking lot," he said.
>"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
>"Looks like the
>Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt riding a
>new bike and the
>Sanders are having sex."
>
>Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
>the startled father
>asked.
>
>"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his
>son replied

 

[captjack]

Credits go to DragonEyes for these.
SOME BUMPER STICKERS WE’D LIKE TO SEE

I break for insects.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry; then things get worse.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
All generalizations are false.
Forget about world peace…visualize using your turning signal.
We have enough YOUTH – how about a fountain of SMART?
It IS as bad as you think – and they ARE out to get you.
Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
No radio – already stolen.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
Some people are only alive cause it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what WE have. Vanity is what OTHERS have.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Always remember you’re unique; just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every minute of it.
Your kid may be an honors student – but you’re still an idiot.
I love cats… they taste just like chicken.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

 

[captjack]

Again credits to DragonEyes
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m.

Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and **very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other...."

 

[captjack]

DragonEyes again
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

 

[Golden Eyes]

Hot Tub Jokes

Kat:

Keep up with the jokes ! This is a great thread!
TNGUY !!!!!! Great jokes, I love them lol
Hi BB ! Waving........ Hugsssss Kissesssssss

soft Kisses Jack

GE

 

[Golden Eyes]

Tub Jokes

DragonEyes:

Great Jokes ! I love Cinderella hehe
GE

 

[Bug Eyed Monster]

.

 

[Bug Eyed Monster]

.

 

[Kat-44]

Viagra housewife

a friend sent me this one!


This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not
much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our
wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and
cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to
know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I
mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst
into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the
market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just
like they were on our wedding night. I think this will
work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to
lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while
he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun
intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked
me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking
about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't
think I've ever been so happy.



Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend
as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down
there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only
take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing
the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to
do? I feel tacky all over...

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living
with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning
hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a
complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up,
cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps
coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's
like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly
walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again,
I'll kill the jerk.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun but this
just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him
and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I
told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I
hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might
try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in
front of the TV all day with that remote control in his
hand and expects me to do everything for him. What
absolute bliss!

HI estevie welcome and hugggggggggggs, oh come give that southern man a peice, hehe....
HI golden, welcome to the thread, thank you bug and welcome
Jack kisssssss, and tn keep them coming...........

 

[baby blue]

Keep up the good work ya'll...I LOVE this thread!

 

[Kat-44]

http://www.neonfire.com/_images/vgrl/button8.gif
just testing this one out, lol.....

A woman goes into the grocery store and asks the clerk for some broccoli The clerk politely tells her there is no broccoli today.

One hour later, the same lady comes back and asks the same clerk again for some brocolli. To which he replies, "look lady, I've already told you there is no broccoli"

One hour again, the same lady returns asking for brocolli. The clerk blows his stack and asks the lady . . .

what does "t-o-m" spell in the word "tomato" the lady replies "tom"

he then asks - what does "p-o-t" spell in the word "potato" she replies "pot"

he goes on "and what does "f-u-c-k" spell in broccoli she replies "there's no "fuck" in broccoli.

And then he screams - thats what I've been trying to tell you all day. There's no fuckin broccoli.

 

[Kat-44]

hmmmm, i think this guy frequents lit. lmao

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked: I told you before we got married; why did you still faint? The girl said: you told me it was just like a baby.

The guy replied: Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

 

[Kat-44]

sorry southern, don;t know why, but for some reason you came to mind when i saw this joke *ducks* (only teasing you, lol)

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said "Howdy! How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a real good time?"

"I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are you from?"

"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."

"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and sheep and goats and cows and chickens..."

He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"