"Hot Thoughts on Chilly August Night"

[tigerjen]

http://www.literotica.com/p/hot-thoughts-on-chilly-august-night

You are invited to check out another new poem of mine.....you know the drill

Thank you!


tigerjen

PS....I do want to say thank you to those who have posted up comments (and emailed me)
regarding "It's Been Way Too Long" and this newest poem here. I also have been posting up
comments almost daily to the newer poems of others.......there are some pretty terrific writers
out there!

 

[twelveoone]

http://www.literotica.com/p/hot-thoughts-on-chilly-august-night

You are invited to check out another new poem of mine.....you know the drill

Thank you!


tigerjen

PS....I do want to say thank you to those who have posted up comments (and emailed me)
regarding "It's Been Way Too Long" and this newest poem here. I also have been posting up
comments almost daily to the newer poems of others.......there are some pretty terrific writers
out there!

Abducted from a Senna Jawa Thread

multi-dimensional considerations
This thread may give us a pretext to forget about the one-dimensional rating. Instead we may propose all kind of axis. For instance:

* originality
* composition
* technical quality
* vividness of the images
* impact on a reader
* melodicity of the text
* mood
* quality of language
* artistic purity of the poem
* etc.

I gave you a 75, was I unfair?
But I think he might want you to have this.

 

[PoetGuy]

Dear tigerjen:

Poet Guy has posted his comment on your poem here rather than on the standard Literotica website, as he suspects you would not want the comment posted there, or at least you would not want his vote there. Besides, you asked for comment here, so he is commenting here. And, as with all commentary, by all means ignore this if you do not find it helpful.

Poet Guy apologizes, but he must in all honesty say that he finds your poem not very interesting. It seems to tell the reader some few facts

I'm cold.
It's late.
I'm tired, but awake.

I want
Some sex,
Imagine it. Come. End.​

with little or no attention to phrasing these things in a fashion that would evoke similar or sympathetic feelings in the reader. That is, granted, difficult to do and not something Poet Guy thinks he is any better at than tigerjen, but it is kind of the point of poetry.

For example, "my mind is racing..." or "my soul yearns..." are both clearly statements telling the reader what the author thinks or feels. You, as author, are telling us your experience rather than writing about it in a more sensual way (meaning in a way appealing to our, the readers, senses rather than "sensual" meaning erotic). This deadens the experience for us, distances it from us. It's like the difference between being in love oneself and having a friend tell you about their own love--one might be happy for them, but one won't have at all the same feeling about it.

Anyway, comments. As Poet Guy said earlier, ignore them if unhelpful.

 

[Senna Jawa]

L1

http://www.literotica.com/p/hot-thoughts-on-chilly-august-night

You are invited to check out another new poem of mine.....you know the drill

Thank you!


tigerjen

A nice title, attractive (with my problems with English I would be afraid that "a" is needed before "chilly"--that's how English language tortures me ).

Let's start with line 1:

shivering on an chilly August night​

Right away you may see ineffectiveness in your usage of words. When you have both "shivering" and "chilly" (especially chilly night) then each of this two words steals and saps the poetic energy from the other. Those who play weiqi (GO) know that you should not position your stones too densely.

In the given case remember that the title is a part of your poem. Thus you have one more reason to avoid the overlap of the meaning of the two words. Instead of the whole line as you have it, write simply one word

shivering​

and the poetic effect will be a thousand times stronger. Even your title will gain immediately. It will part take in your poem. The title and the main text will harmoniously amplify each other. As it is, we get an overloaded garbage container.

Have I commented already too much? Are you sure you want the rest of the poem to be treated in a similar insensitive (of the author's feelings ) manner?