Hot story - needs critics

[Original_Cyn2]

I'm interested in putting this story up at lit but I'd really like some feedback first. I tend to screw up my tenses and get carried away with the adjectives....

If you have a moment, please read and let me know where I need improvement?

thanks!

/hmh

http://cynsation.741.com/id26.htm

 

[Rainbow Skin]

You write beautifully. You have a sure touch with words, so as you've mentioned your concern with adjectives, I'll agree that there needs to be some very cautious pruning of them and other qualifiers such as clauses. Don't change your style at all. I'll take a few examples of the kinds of thing that could stand snipping.

The first line is too full. How is an "exquisite frisson" different from a frisson, how is "cold dread" different from dread? The adjectives are what I call weak: they don't really add another depiction, they just reinforce the noun. If you want to mention cold and warmth, perhaps present them as rhetorical repetitions: "dread and pleasure, cold and warm"; though that leaves you the problem of whether you can follow that with "an ardor within".

And "muses ironically" isn't quite right, not so soon into the story: you're just lightly conveying her thoughts, and we immediately have to puzzle slightly over how to get into her head, since musing is not normally ironic, so we have to begin by holding a thought, which is introducing the story, and getting into her thoughts on "musing", but then changing it with "ironically". So this also makes the sentence too rich for a first one. You could take it our entirely, and have the second paragraph be the build-up. You could even put it at the end of that paragraph.

There is a peak of exquisite wording with "Chameleon eyes, from mist to midnight in a moment, perfect harbingers of his mood." I loved that.

I read "Soft earthy yearning colors" as a noun phrase. The piling of adjectives tempts one to treat "yearning" as another. Perhaps soft earthy yearning in her voice makes him smile, or her voice is coloured by...

"like wolves, circling her like prey": this doesn't sound like an intended repetition, as it would if it were "like prey, like wolves" or "like wolves, like circling prey".

"gawked at the breathtaking size": breathtaking doesn't mean huge, it's an emotional reaction to something being huge, so it clashes with gawking, or at least is a weak repetition of slightly clashing reactions.

"the long black dress that clung intimately to every soft curve and taunting hollow": every noun and verb has a qualifier, so the weak ones make it sag: "soft" adds little to "curve", and the unbalanced "every curve and taunting hollow" shows up the force of the strong "taunting" better. "long black" with its two adjectives could be replaced by "black" (you can't avoid saying that) and its clinging down to her ankles. If you describe the dress right (showing) you shouldn't have to mention that it clung "intimately" (telling).

"The chill, damp air within the immense stone portal": another example. The double adjective on "air" merely tells what you ought to be showing. Take out "damp" and the reader will infer it back in. "low décolletage": take out "low" and the reader will infer it; no point mentioning décolletage if it's modest or unexposed or unaffected by damp air, so by implication it's low and open without saying so.

"while the houseman had gestured for her wrap, patiently pulling it from her shoulders with practiced ease": the participle "pulling" rather implies simultaneity with the gesturing, and I really think you meant them as one continuous motion. The houseman's actions would be discreet and unobtrusive; so should your depiction be. "with practiced ease" goes without saying in his position. Perhaps "taking her wrap from her shoulders with an easy gesture" is enough, or even still too much.

"The gentle touch of the houseman's hand at her elbow": take out "gentle". It couldn't realistically be any other way; the reader will have a picture of a gentle touch. Later, in "the warm touch of a man's hand on her shoulder", it actually does matter that it's warm, not cold or tentative or fleeting, so leave that description in. The "warm" is strong but the "gentle" is weak.

I could go on indefinitely, but that sums up my advice on how you should go through this considering each qualifier. If you wrote "the touch of a man's hand on her shoulder" the reader wouldn't presume it was warm, and if it's important that it should be, you need to add the qualification. But "gentle", like "chill, damp" and "intimately" and "exquisite" is just a mental atmosphere word: you're using them to convey an atmosphere or aura of gentleness, dampness, intimacy, and so on. However, just using the bare word is the weakest way of doing this. It should come from the setting. The qualifiers should add to the description, not merely echo it.

Beware of using a word just because it fits what you want to convey. You might already be conveying it by implication, either in other words or in the scene, and then the word that fits is weak decoration.

Very well done!

 

[Sunnie]

I thought it was a well-written piece and I've nothing really to add. But, I am a shitty critic.