Hot off the Presses!

[GingerV]

After much pain and suffering (i.e. learning what smart quotes were and how to get rid of them) , my latest story has FINALLY been accepted and posted. It's a group sex offereing called White Ribbon, and can be found:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157643

All comments are welcome. Constructive criticism gets you double points.

Thanks in advance,

Ginger

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Now that is one of the hottest things I have read for quite some while, and the language it's couched in is exquisite.

 

[GingerV]

*blushing*

Thanks.

 

[smoochypig]

mmmm

Thank goodness I still have time to write a 'before I'm 35' wishlist!! *grin*

Seriously hot story! At first I was a little hesitant to enjoy it in case I was just fulfilling another male stereo type of drooling over two hot chicks. That didn't last very long as you pretty soon had me all hot and flustered over the whole encounter! *purr*

I loved how you kept some realism in there both in dialog and actions. Its not "all three are the perfect porno orgy group rehearsed to a script" but a pretty good mix of experience. I liked your sense of humor too. Sadly I could really see myself as the bumbling guy all too easily lol!

So many images and tactile descriptions I could really believe in and practically feel.


More ! more! Oh.. and a reservation for March please

 

[nushu2]

Wow

You made me jealous. There are times I wish that I could write like that, not always. Since I can't, I've found my niche in writing stories instead of events.

Right from the beginning, where she was hiding her shoes in the pile, you developed tension. The only thing in the whole story I could critisize is the time when the two girls were in the apartment by themselves. I thought it was a little naive to not take Gail's clues right then. I realize that you had other plans for the first kiss but it would have been more realistic if the kiss was before they were in lingerie.

I can only think of one paragraph that got a bit clumsy...

....So I looked up at Rich's face and told him what she was doing to me as I lowered his jeans and helped him step out them. I reminded him that this was a first for her. I told him that my first night with a woman, I'd had the same fascination; I couldn't get over how soft, smooth, heavenly scented a woman's skin can be. I made sure he knew she was driving me crazy; but I let him realize for himself that even though Gail had me in heaven with just a hand on my midriff and another snaking under my bra strap, I was still very interested in getting his clothes off. No one was getting left out of this for a moment if I could help it....


The little side thoughts sprinkled in added to the character of the story without disrupting the flow. Good mix of emotional and physical descriptions. Went on a bit too long for my taste but, apparently, my taste is the exception to the rule.

There is nothing to say about your style other than it's delicious. Very literate but not overly polished to hide your own enthusiam

 

[GingerV]

SP - I really like it that you loved the "imperfections" of the piece. I thought the tough part was to keep it realistic without making it a long list of position changes. "Keeping track of the elbows and ankles," was how I started to think of it. I decided I was going to have to use the pure awkwardness of the tangle of bodies to anchor the thing in reality, and that humor was the best way to do it. I'm pleased that you think it worked.

Nudu - Thanks! I'm not entirely happy with parts of the story, among them the one you pointed out. If you've got tips on how to fix the paragraph in question I'd love to hear it. I don't want to lose the complexity of the interactions, but sometimes it's hard to mix complexity and clarity .

G

 

[Huckleman2000]

Now that you mention it, keeping track of the position changes is what generally crosses me up as a reader of one of the "Group Sex" stories. It always seems like I can follow it up to a point, and suddenly "Amber buries her face..." in something, and I've lost it. I imagine it's like trying to describe a game of Twister, without the benefit of the "right hand, green" points of reference. The narrator's admission at one point that her position was uncomfortable, but gave someone a great view of her ass, was a nice touch.

As for your problem paragraph mentioned above, I would just say that you've got an awful lot going on there. (I'll refer to the narrator as "you" for this bit). Gail is just a bit too eager to get to the girly bits, and all keyed up after having to keep her mouth shut about this surprise she cooked up. You're really turned on by this, but have also made up your mind to sort of choreograph this dance so that everyone feels included. Rich's heart is pounding, and he's still feeling a bit conflicted, and Gail's headlong rush into experimentation probably isn't making him any more confident. You realize this, and need to make him think that this is all just standard operating procedure for group sex - nothing to get concerned about, all perfectly ordinary! Still really hot, but totally ordinary... Not to mention the logistics of trying to get everyone in a suitable state of undress. This has all the makings of a truly farcical moment, and one which could break the ice and propel things forward. Someone slips on a banana peel, someone's face ends up in someone's privates, and we're off!

I won't suggest the exact mechanics of it to you (though I can imagine some pretty awkward pratfalls...), but you get the idea.

I just think that you've got a great sense of humor, and you've got such a sweet, tense set-up there. Plus, the sex that follows is really teasing and light, no heavy breathing and groaning, so I don't think a little comedy would completely destroy the mood.

 

[GingerV]

Well I must've really pissed in someone's cornflakes. This poor little story has been getting a steady stream of 2s and 3s over the last week. One or two of 'em a day. Not ones, so they don't set off Laural's alarms. Not just one vote so they're not standing out as oddballs.

So, I'm sitting here, taking deep breaths. It's not the numbers. Numbers don't matter. My problem is trying to remember that I shouldn't take malicious voting as meaningful criticism. But there's a bit of my mind that's telling me it may not be malicious voting...it might be real complaints. Just made by folks who don't care enough to tell me what they dislike so much.

So, I'm asking for a sanity check. I don't want an ego boost. And I'm not asking for votes. Hell, I'll ask you NOT to vote just to prove to myself that's not the point. I just want to know if there's something in here that deserves the treatment this poor thing's getting. I really would like to know, cause if no-one tells me why they're down-voting it...I can't do better next time.

G

 

[Delicious Blonde]

I suspect clever and subtle trolls, sweetie... it happens to me every time any of my stories get near the top of the lists. Hang in there... good writing always eventually rises to the top!

 

[GingerV]

Thanks DB. A friend reminded me last night that "if they're shooting at you, you're probably doing something right." Made me feel a little better. Same friend pointed out that I was at the top of a category and it's just before the monthly "winners" are announced. It hadn't occured to me that when it was happening might be relevant. He thinks it's too much of a coincidence. _I_ don't think people are that tuned into the whole monthly mess because the voting is so bizarre, but I'm new so what do I know.

I'm just gonna reread the comments that were sent to me, and stop paying attention to the numbers from those who don't bother.

Still, if anyone DOES see flaws in my little story, do please let me know. I really don't want to keep making the same mistakes.

G

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I don't know why you look at scores. I wouldn't even know where to find them, I'd have to hunt around on the personal pages. You don't advance levels, you don't get money in the bank, and the public comments are all 100% positive. If there are people downvoting for a purpose, I'd have to assume everyone gets the same treatment, or at least all high-quality stories, so on average it can't make any difference.

It's a lovely story, you know that, everyone who's commented knows that, and that's a fillip of real pleasure compared to the completely irrelevant behaviour of some people who aren't voting on quality but have some other agenda.

 

[impressive]

I suspect clever and subtle trolls, sweetie... it happens to me every time any of my stories get near the top of the lists.

Yup! I have a story (The Dance -- in Letters & Transcripts) which had a very high score -- but not enough votes to register an "H" -- and I posted it in a thread about struggling stories in the Author's Hangout. The opinions of the folks who frequent these forums matter far more to me than the random, anonymous trolls.

Anyway, by the end of the day, it was sitting in the #1 spot in that category with a whopping 4.85 rating. Lasted about a week before some troll one-bombed it.

I take my strength from the e-mail feedback.

There was NOTHING in your story, Ginger, that would warrant a low rating. I'll take another look, but I'm sure it was just fine -- quite hot, really.

 

[dreampilot79]

What can one say but WOW?

Ginger

First, congradulations on writing a fabulous story. I, for one, loved it.

My own carreer has seen a bit of professional writing (thank god for spell checkers) and maybe even an award or two. I am perfectly capable of editing and critiquing grammar and sentence structure. Unfortunately (or fortunately as the case may be), I learned to write as a technical writer and my basis for judgement is ALWAYS based on the quality of the communication, NOT the sentence structure.

The first time I read something, I judge it by the story's ability to pull me in, hold my interest, make me project myself into the story line, and "feel" it. Horrible writing may cause me to pause and begin editing on the first read, but good communication always forces me to read it a second time and then begin editing on the third read. If the story is good and the communication touches me, I fail to see any errors on the first read.

If you want a critique of sentence structure and grammar, ask someone else, I liked the story too much to tear it appart. I may well read it a second maybe even a third time but if I do, it won't be my yellow marker that's in my hand!!!

First read score 5.

 

[MagicFingers]

Hot Story!

Let's try again. Tried twice to send you feedback here and my computer died both times. Hope I can save my data! (another disk) (Sure wish I could remember what I wrote before)

I enjoyed the story a lot. She was so loving and caring, being sure no one was left out at all times. What a woman! Very good descriptive telling of the story. Good pace, not too long or short.

However, since you asked, there was a little problem keeping track of where and how they were doing what they were doing:
Like when Rick was lying on the bed and you came up and sat on him facing him, then you turned around and could feel his cock on your ass. (This means you were ling on top of him with your back to him?) Then Gail comes and lies on top of you, and your hand was trapped under you? How? Then later, Rick leans DOWN to kiss you. I had some trouble seeing how this was happening until, much later, I realized they must be on their SIDES!?

Anyway, this was only a little hiccup in the telling of a fine story.
I don't see how anyone can read this and think it deserves a 2 or 3. Please keep up the good writing.
MF

 

[GingerV]

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I've been AFK (well AF internet connection) for the last little while.

Rainbow Skin: You're absolutely right, it's insecurity on my part that has nothing to do with the story. But as I write that last sentence I have to work hard not to write "may or may not have anything to do with the story." Such is the nature of insecurity . I almost said it earlier, but thinking over the last few days I think I've got the idea more firmly in my mind. I watch the scores because some part of me mistakes them for feedback. As if someone half filled out a feedback form, and the number will tell me how to fill in the blanks they left. The low scores drive me nuts, because I don't have confidence in my writing yet (practice maybe, but confidence comes from public exposure) so I don't know how to fill in the blanks. It'll be healthier to just accept that they aren't the same as comments on any level.

Imp: Thank you again. My insulted little ego was finding all sorts of mysterious hobgoblins in the text. Too much, too little, too many, too few. Comes with the territory I suppose, I live in fear of the mistakes I can't see. Needed to take a breath, remind myself that _I_ liked it as did people who's abilities I respected...anyone else didn't matter.

dreampilot: I know exactly what you mean about turning off the fun part of your brain when something starts looking like "work." Letting me know I've entertained an editor is definately high praise.

Magicfingers: Ankles and elbows...the whole time I was writing that story I felt like the problem was keeping track of body parts. Before I decided to try my hand at this kind of thing, I didn't appreciate how tough it was to keep the _writing_ in the midst of what felt like stage directions. I'm still not 100% happy with that part...so I all but set it for myself as a challenge in the story I'm working on. When I've done that, I'll come back to this passage and see if I can find a way to smooth it out...it'll be a great way to see if I'm improving. Thanks very much for pointing it out for me, though, I do appreciate the criticism.

G

 

[dreampilot79]

ohhhhhhh the insult

Ginger

I am wounded. I was never an official editor. I was always a writer. Just that I had the privledge of managing a couple technical writing departements which forced me to edit on occasion.. like it or not.

After numerous tangles with editors, I find it difficult to deal with the title...lol.

Just hope you realize that this is said tongue in cheek. I bow to your artistic aptitude.

Dreampilot

 

[GingerV]

Oh dream, no! I didn't mean Editor as in necessarily professional, I meant editor (little e) as one who can't help editing if there are problems in the writing. I know you didn't REALLY take offense, and I'm just relieved you didn't really think I meant anything less than complimentary.

Jeeze, after you said such nice things about me and all....

G

 

[MagicFingers]

Editing is very hard

I'm trying to help a friend with a story without getting him mad or frustrated. It's hard.

Critiquing is even harder. That's why I first read Gingers stories - because she gives such detailed and caring critiques!

Ginger, I hope you meant critique, not criticism! I didn't mean to criticize!

Love Ya, MF

 

[GingerV]

MF, of course I did. I'm glad you got my meaning despite my choice of words .

 

[dreampilot79]

mechanical engineering

Ginger

I think that the tangle of knees and elbows is very difficult to write properly. It is even more difficult in the first person.

If you were ever in a tangle of knees and elbows, the position of the knees and elbows is somewhat clouded. You are at the center of your perception. If you are into the activities at all, what becomes important is how YOUR knees and elbows relate to those you are attempting to be tangled with. Other knees and elbows involved in the tangle, which are not directly connected to YOU, are less noticed.

In the third person, you become a voyeur watching the activities and therefor MUST untangle them. That is not an easy task. One must really visualize how all the participants can mechanically interact.

In the first person, however, it might well be best to leave them tangled. They would probably be tangled in your perception, if you were actually there.

Analyzing the position of all the knees and elbows to properly describe them in the third person can easily become a task that makes the story more into an exercise in mechanical engineering and detracts from the emotion and human interaction that make a story erotic.

Oh well, my two cents worth. Probably worth much less than two cents.