Horny female thinking of potential affair...

[Guest]

We all know how affairs can destroy a marriage but I'd love to get your opinions on having an affair & how it could potentially HELP your relationship at home. Mainly, removing the sexual tension, relaxing things to the point that you aren't a bitch/bastard with your spouse because they seem to have NO sex drive whatsoever (mine 6 months, his nearly a year). The rest of the relationship is not worth throwing away (kids, & you sincerely love them/they love you but there is no sex). If it's just for physical needs only, not love, not to break up a marriage, "win someone", game playing or anything like that. Just as an outlet when you both aren't getting it at home, you both have ungodly high sex drives & are sick of being pathetic & depressed when you masturbate alone. I know that by hitting 30, I am peaking...feel like a damn rabbit...hippety-hop, hippety-hop...hump...hump...hump.

Both people (myself & the potential affair) are in our 30's, seem to be extremely sexually attaracted to one another (I know I am to him & he seems to be sending me all good signals) & mature enough to handle the situation by not calling the other person at home, driving by late at night or other dumbass maneuvers. Just meeting for sex a few times a week, then "See-ya, Bye."

Opinions? Statements? Personal bitch-sessions about an ex who did that to you & he/she ruined your life? Trolls?

The floor is open...

I probably won't go through with it, but I fantasize a lot when I am in bed, driving home, etc. (Reading stories on Lit with my favorite toy in hand & thinking about him...*groan...sigh...UNH...) It gets me through those tough times, but I desperately want the real thing!!

FACT: My spouse is being faithful. Know beyond a shadow of a doubt...thought he might be "hittin' it" somewhere else but I have had all that checked. He just simply "doesn't want it". Might be a medical condition but he refuses to really admit there is a problem so he can try to start getting help (counseling, meds, etc.). Just thinks it will go away by itself. I don't see that happening. I am not saying I am a nymphomaniac (I am but realize mortal men **do** have their limitations...MWAAAHH HAHAHA... ) I am talking about asking for sex a few times a week & only getting it about once every 2 months, then it feels like a polite grudge fuck.

 

[Closet Desire]

Playing with fire...

I seldom feel qualified to comment on threads like this, but this one is definitely in my corner. I was married for twenty years to a good woman, but it had its problems. My best friend, living in England, was having problems too. We started sharing our problems by email. To cut to the chase, we met up in England and sparks flew. We thought we could carry on just an affair (ever seen "Same Time Next Year"?), share good times and have torrid sex a couple of times a year. We planned to wait ten years until the kids were grown so we wouldn't hurt them. We also didn't want to hurt our spouses.

This is where the fire burned out of control. Sensuality is an integral part of a deep and intimate relationship. For some people the closeness is incredibly important. It was for us. Once you find somebody who really is "right" you may start to see other problems in your relationship as we did (not seeing the forest for the trees?). There was no way we were going to wait ten years. We ended up divorced. Our families stopped talking with us. All the children, from both marriages, chose to live with us (that meant my son moving to England from the US). That was over five years ago and life is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.

Do I have any regrets? any remorse? any bitterness? Yes, I regret that we didn't get to spend the first twenty years of our lives together.

My caution? Don't be surprised if love and lust makes you as "stupid" as it did when you were a teenager. Ever see Bridges of Madison County? Lots of people carry on affairs for years...just for sex. But don't be surprised if that little spark erupts in a mushroom cloud. In the end, make the choice that makes you happy. It isn't always better for children to continue to live in a family where the parents are not intimate with one another. Our children have all blossomed in a family where the parents clearly love and adore one another. Hopefully they will carry that example into their own lives and relationships.

Good luck.

 

[Guest]

Is sex worth the potential of destroying a marriage?

That right there is the main question you must ask yourself. When I was 19, I met a man from the net. He was easily twice my age, and married. After talking a while, we met in person. We both knew it was for sex. There was no hidden agenda. It was then that I developed an understanding on infidelity. This man would keep a travel bag with him when we'd venture to hotels (different areas of Omaha each time!). It contained the brand of soap, toothpaste, and even mouthwash that was used in the family/household. (Heaven forbid he "came home from work" smelling like sex! lol) Anyway, we got together a few times. After almost two months, though, I got an e-mail from him stating that he was starting to feel guilty, etc.

No matter how hard you try, you can't take emotion away from sex. (I know that one from personal experience.) I've even tried. I stupidly had some one night stands in the past...and slowly, over time it caught up with me. Emotion is part of human nature.

There are things like mariage counseling that may help you and your husband. There was a time when the communication went way down hill with my ex and I. Long after we split up, he apologized for being unbearable to live with (among other things). He also said that he hadn't realized what his sudden lack of sex drive had done to me...and that had I told him I was seriously considering an affair he would have changed. Who knows if it's true or not? Point is, he and I didnt talk openly, we're apart. You are still married AND you have children with your husband. Think before you do.

~Tiggs~

 

[fgarvb1]

say what??...guest are you pissing down our backs and telling us its raining.????? your "story" leaks like a sieve.!

i maybe wrong but this smells like someone with a large shovel.!!!

 

[Sav]

There are such things as "fuck" buddies from what I've learned. Never had one myself though. Before you decide to go through with this it may very well be that your husband is suffering some kind of health or mental problem and you should try very hard to get him to see a doctor if you can.

The reason is I was in the same type of situation but "I" was the "no-sexdrive husban". Although I don't know if the wife thought as you or even acted on it, wouldn't blame her if she did though. But as it turned out I was suffering from a critical problem with my colon. It took 2 yrs of treatment to get me almost back to normal health and sex drive wise.

So in short she suffered without sex not only the two years I was being treated but also two years before I found out what was wrong. In that 4 year period I only had sex with her at about 1 time each year. BTW, I'm only 35.

Food for thought.

 

[teresafannin]

If you are willing to risk losing your kids & your husband, then go for it. For me, it would be too risky & I would never forgive a man who had an affair. My fiancee and I have been through a horrible year & are finally getting our lives back to something resembling normal. Due to my bouts of depression after the murder of my son, we didn't make love for months. He has been patient with me & never pushed me when I wasn't ready. He has stayed totally faithful to me through all of this. I could never forgive an affair. I don't know why you would think that 30 is the peak of sexual satisfaction, I am 41 & started to have the best sex of my life in my late 30's & I think it will just keep getting better. I would try to talk with hubby & if you love him, try to get him in for a complete check up. There are so many medical problems that can be taken care of with meds or therapy. I do wish you well.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I am in a similar situation, I'm 29 and my sex drive is just getting ready to explode all over the place and I expect it to be very ugly when it does. My hubby is broken, 33, on medication that takes away his sex drive, and has sexual predilections that make me want to hurt him as emotionally as it hurts me. All in all, I would prefer to have a fuck buddy and not have sex with the StudMuffin. Our sex life gets in the way of our marriage. Of course, I'm not going to do that because the Stud doesn't approve of fuck buddies, therefore, neither do I. To add an even worse element to all of this, he isn't here and isn't likely to be for another 90+ days. I'm driving everyone around me slowly insane and it's not very nice. But hey, if I gotta suffer, I'm gonna make sure he suffers. Misery loves company.

It comes down to a matter of priorities. Your sex or your husband. You can't keep both of them happy. The surest way of having someone find out something you don't want them to is to do it in the first place. If you choose to have an affiar, then take it as a given that he will find out about it and your marriage will be in jeopardy. As the adultress you risk losing everything, including your kids, over what amounts to a demanding pussy.

 

[Cheyenne]

So in short she suffered without sex not only the two years I was being treated but also two years before I found out what was wrong. In that 4 year period I only had sex with her at about 1 time each year. BTW, I'm only 35.

That would be a perfect example of "for better or worse, until death do us part". You're a lucky man to have found such a wonderful wife.

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm not married, so I can't give an opinion from that point of view. I can tell you that I came very very close to being the "other woman" in a RL affair with a married guy with young kids. And that is something I thought I would never do in my entire life. This was a cybersex affair that was ready to move to RL. Once emotions get involved, you have no idea what you really will or won't do. He had the good sense to call off our planned meeting. I would have gone. He made the right choice, I take no credit for it. Now, we've decided to be "only friends". (Yes, a cliche. But so far we've made it work.)

He called off our RL meeting because he spent a lot of time thinking about the same things you are facing now. What would happen to his marriage and family if his wife found out about the affair? Did he really want to risk losing her and his kids? The plan was never for him to leave them to be with me, only to have fun with me "on the side" and I knew that. The choice was always his from the beginning- I told him I would agree with whatever he decided since he was the one risking a marriage, not me. In the end, his marriage got stronger (at least so far, this is still very recent) because I existed. The fact that I existed made him realize his marriage wasn't perfect or he wouldn't have been drawn to a relationship with me in the first place. Rather than meet me, he decided to put his energy into making his marriage better and becoming closer to his wife, and he has. I suspect his sex life with her has gotten better because of a few things we did in cyberplay, or ideas he got from us for things to do differently. I believe he talks to her more intimately now, and that's the communication theme you're seeing in all the answers above. I also think that sometimes young kids with endless sports practices, music lessons, etc. and parents with busy work lives cause the marriage partners to be almost like roommates rather than lovers. Communication can help you figure out if that is what has happened.

So, should you do it, or not? Only you can decide. But think about looking at the temptation for having this affair as being a symptom of a bigger problem. Maybe putting your energy back into saving your marriage and finding someway to get your husband's sex drive back on track is what you really want to do. If you didn't really care about your husband or your marriage, you wouldn't be hesitating, you'd already be having the affair.

 

[Guest]

Our sex life gets in the way of our marriage.

Thanks, Killer! You read my mind!

I see valid points in every reply. Thanks, you guys. As far as pissing down your backs & telling you it's raining...lol, I drink a ton of water & my tinkle is pretty clear, so I really got a good laugh out of that one.

I call him my spouse because we have been together for a good while now but are not married. We don't have any kids. We live together & he works nonstop some weeks, barely making it home on the weekends, then to crash for the night & get caught up on his sleep. When he is home every night for a week or 2 at a time & his work load is light (a little paperwork & the rest of the days are filled with long lunches & surfing the net *yep, they let him do that when he isn't busy*), I am always concerned with his needs. He knows this. Being a Stepford wife only goes so far, though. By nature, I am very laid back & non bitchy about big or little things (dirty dishes, socks on the floor, etc...you know how some people are about that) & have spent the better part of the last 3 months helping him restore a car he bought in September during his off time & on the weekends. I care about him. Foot massages, back rubs, dinner on the table, clean clothes...all that. I try to approach him for sex when I know he has caught up on his rest. (I just recently went back to work full time, I've been working out of the house for years & decided to take a break from that.) I just get so damn tired of getting turned down when I take the time to dress up for bed & be in a good mood when he gets home, only to be turned down with "I'm just not in the mood...". He has a thing for internet porn, pics only...I have checked his laptop for chatrooms (he never deletes his history) but I refuse to look in his email even though he has given me his password. He doesn't look at it when he is home, just out on the road when he goes out of town. Believe me, I know there are a helluva lot worse things he could be doing when he is on the road...drinking & cheating, titty bars...all of it. My brother travels with him most of the time (they work together) & has told me that I have nothing to worry about.

I really want to stick it out with him but I just don't get it. He spends time away from me looking at porn (I do too, Lit is my favorite site) which is fine by me, but when he gets home...nothing. The fact that he still looks at porn means he still has a little bit of a sex drive (THANK GOD!!!) but I can't figure out what the problem is. We have been discussing him going to the doctor for 3 months now & he refuses to. I told him I was lonely, sad, depressed & having thoughts about an affair. I think he realizes just how serious this is now, but I'm going to give him until the end of the year to see if he takes any serious action about it (making a dr's appt or us going to therapy) or blows it off like he has done in the past.

The potential affair has been a casual friend for a while. I knew he was planning on divorcing his wife after the first of the year (he had already filed the papers, ran into him at the lawyers office as he was leaving, I was having lunch with my sis-in-law) but she got pregnant in September to keep him with her. He is a caring man & has excellent benefits & wants to make sure his baby is going to be well taken care of medically. The wife is about 3 months pregnant. I have heard her talk about him like he is the worst piece of shit on the face of the earth & she is staying for the insurance. He said he knew all abouther attitude. (She was at a Christmas party I went to recently & I heard her as I walked into the ladie's room.) They don't have any other kids.

Other than that...*sigh. Thanks for all the advice so far & not completely crucifying me for my feelings.

 

[sze27]

Dear Guest (God that sounds lame!),

I can't really comment on your predicament as I am partnerless - but I am going to anyway - because of all of the replies have stirred up these various emotions in me and I feel moved to write.

Hummm, you all seem to be grappling with a dilemma about being human - and that is the transcience of sexual attraction to one person - and the attraction of strangers! I have solved it for myself by remaining single. I would like to think I would be faithful if I married (not get married until I am completely ready), but the truth is I do not know if I would be or not. I have never been in a relationship for more than 8 months, so I can not imagine the intensity of your predicament. I haven't had a steady for 3 years and 3 months now - a deliberate choice, so I can pursue sexual gratification. I think I have been the other woman on occasions, and I always hope someone like Killer Muffin doesn't catch me one day and give me a close up and personal demo of her armoury.

OK, thats a little background. Here is my opinion. There are risks with it - grave, serious risks - but there is a risk in not doing it also. Whenever people bring up the issue of what you risk it is always in a negative way that says "DON'T!". Thats OK, but not pursuing this will leave you high and dry and wondering. People always say they regret what they did not do in life more than what they did. Look, this may sound really glib, but fulfilling yourself sexually is important. Isn't it? I may just be sex-crazed, but the replies in here sound like people who live life and wait for sex to come along. If it does it is good and that is brilliant - but what if it doesn't? What if you end up in a situation like yours, or Killer Muffin's? Should you go after it? I think you should seriously decide how much you want it, and then only you can decide. Now maybe you should ignore me completely and listen to those sensible folk - because there is no doubt that I have some "issues" in life that cloud my judgment in this area.

Oh and if you do it- expect to feel HORRIBLY guilty! I say this, because when you buck against conventional wisdom with regard to sex - all these gremlins come out to get you! I did some pretty wild stuff a few years back and then cried my eyes for a day afterward because I felt so completely dirty. After I calmed down a bit I thought about how much I liked this new me, and how much more of it I wanted! The old brain can do crazy things. The right thing is not always the best thing. Its not always right even - its just what you have been convinced to believe.

Love Sze

Wow, that is hard to talk about!

 

[KillerMuffin]

My situation just took a downward turn for the worse, of course doesn't it always seem to do that? My StudMuffin has to take medication that in essence, destroys the sexdrive. I call it the Anti-Viagra. His libido is beaten to the point that I could give him a nekkid lapdance and he would just get the sad look and say "I'm sorry, hun." He isn't exactly the model of studly sensitivity so him using fingers, tongues, and other things to help me out is pretty much, well, out. He was never too into that sort of thing anyway. Not to mention it's totally unfun to have sex with a man who is completely disinterested. It's a real ego killer. It makes me wonder, since it has only been 3 months and therefore not that bad yet, if I will go out and do something marriage destroying when the months and years go by. He'll probably have to take this medication for the rest of his life, some demons cannot be exorcised, ever. Yes, it was that bad, and yes you would be enraged to hear it, and no, he can't talk about it.

I don't want to cheat, I love my StudMuffin and I've stuck by him through about 9 years of hell, now that we're finally getting help, I'm not about to abandon ship. Can I live without sex? Should I have to? Will it drive me and, vicariously, those around me crazy? *sigh*