Hoping for some help/advice! Please read!

[Harry sach]

Hello all,

I am currently experiencing a bit of an issue with my wife, and our sex life, or lack of it. It has never been particularly great anyway, even though we are approaching our 21st anniversary - there's a few factors which have contributed to that I think, but I digress. For some time now, she has literally been unable to let me penetrate her at all. She says that it hurts so much, she physically shuts me out, pushes against me because she can't take it. We wondered whether this might be a menopause problem perhaps? She is in her early 50's. I've Googled bits and bobs, and vaginal dryness was suggested. She doesn't have an issue with taking a finger, just my cock, and I've always tried to make sure that she was ready for it, but it has always ended the same way. We tried with lube today, and made a little bit of progress, but it still reached a point where she couldn't let me any further in.

She is wondering whether it might be worth trying toys, to try and stretch her out a little. I guess having no sex for a good while doesn't help with that much anyway, but does anybody think this would help? Has anyone else experienced these problems with their wife/partner. I hope someone can give us some advice or help - we're desperate!

Thanks in advance

 

[barefootgirl69]

The first thing she should do is schedule an appt with her primary physician to make sure she is healthy.

 

[Harry sach]

It's very hard to get appointments in the UK, sadly, and she has other health problems too, not that they would affect this, at least I wouldn't have thought so. Thanks for your response though Will see if I can persuade her.

 

[cocokittysurprise]

The first thing she should do is schedule an appt with her primary physician to make sure she is healthy.

Ditto this. Something like endometriosis or vaginismus can make penetration painful and downright difficult.

 

[LMWM321]

It's very hard to get appointments in the UK, sadly, and she has other health problems too,

I'd call a halt to penetrative sex until she see's her primary care physician. Yes, her symptoms could be part of the menopause process but it's important to rule out other, possibly more serious, causes.

For my wife, these symptoms were entirely related to menopause and the solution to resuming enjoyable sex was lots of lube, estradiol (estrogen) cream once weekly, AND an entirely different approach to sex. Gone are the days of her passionately asking me to simply climb on, slide in and go! We now proceed much more slowly and sometime PIV is just not in the cards - so we do other things. Making matters worse I have a very large penis (no, it's not a good thing) which has meant there are times where she prefers a much less girthy dildo. And, we no longer prioritize orgasms - hers or mine. Instead, we prioritize making it as pleasurable as possible but stopping the moment it ceases being so. One or both of us has an orgasm about 20% of the time, but we enjoyed we had sex 100% of the time.

 

[LoneMilf]

If a finger works, why not just try to add more? It's more flexible than toys and you can add them gradually

 

[bouldghirl]

I think she needs to get her GP to refer her to a Gynaecologist. There could be a number of reasons for this but it is complete guesswork on here. All I will say that virtually all of the reasons have solutions. The sooner she sees a specialist the sooner she will get the help she needs.

 

[ElvieG]

Has she gone through menopause? That can lead to the vaginal tissues losing tone and becoming thinner. Sometimes HRT can help with this

 

[TomnDiane]

Mine said that 15 years ago and it ended our physical relationship. Only you know how important this is to you. If you can live without it, that's what will happen. Otherwise, ultimatum time. The vow was monogamy, not celibacy.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

Hello all,

I am currently experiencing a bit of an issue with my wife, and our sex life, or lack of it. It has never been particularly great anyway, even though we are approaching our 21st anniversary - there's a few factors which have contributed to that I think, but I digress. For some time now, she has literally been unable to let me penetrate her at all. She says that it hurts so much, she physically shuts me out, pushes against me because she can't take it. We wondered whether this might be a menopause problem perhaps? She is in her early 50's. I've Googled bits and bobs, and vaginal dryness was suggested. She doesn't have an issue with taking a finger, just my cock, and I've always tried to make sure that she was ready for it, but it has always ended the same way. We tried with lube today, and made a little bit of progress, but it still reached a point where she couldn't let me any further in.

She is wondering whether it might be worth trying toys, to try and stretch her out a little. I guess having no sex for a good while doesn't help with that much anyway, but does anybody think this would help? Has anyone else experienced these problems with their wife/partner. I hope someone can give us some advice or help - we're desperate!

Thanks in advance

At least she’s willing to explore options !

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I think she needs to get her GP to refer her to a Gynaecologist. There could be a number of reasons for this but it is complete guesswork on here. All I will say that virtually all of the reasons have solutions. The sooner she sees a specialist the sooner she will get the help she needs.

I’d avoid the doctors. They usually fuck things up.

 

[Harry sach]

Ditto this. Something like endometriosis or vaginismus can make penetration painful and downright difficult.

I'll have to look those up, haven't heard of either! Thanks

 

[Harry sach]

I'd call a halt to penetrative sex until she see's her primary care physician. Yes, her symptoms could be part of the menopause process but it's important to rule out other, possibly more serious, causes.

For my wife, these symptoms were entirely related to menopause and the solution to resuming enjoyable sex was lots of lube, estradiol (estrogen) cream once weekly, AND an entirely different approach to sex. Gone are the days of her passionately asking me to simply climb on, slide in and go! We now proceed much more slowly and sometime PIV is just not in the cards - so we do other things. Making matters worse I have a very large penis (no, it's not a good thing) which has meant there are times where she prefers a much less girthy dildo. And, we no longer prioritize orgasms - hers or mine. Instead, we prioritize making it as pleasurable as possible but stopping the moment it ceases being so. One or both of us has an orgasm about 20% of the time, but we enjoyed we had sex 100% of the time.

I am trying to get her to make an appointment. will keep on at her until she does!

 

[Harry sach]

If a finger works, why not just try to add more? It's more flexible than toys and you can add them gradually

I have done, but I guess you tighten up a little when you haven't had intercourse in a while? She said it's not the going in bit that's the problem - it's further up where it starts to hurt her.

 

[Harry sach]

Has she gone through menopause? That can lead to the vaginal tissues losing tone and becoming thinner. Sometimes HRT can help with this

Think she might be in the midst of it at the moment..

 

[Harry sach]

Mine said that 15 years ago and it ended our physical relationship. Only you know how important this is to you. If you can live without it, that's what will happen. Otherwise, ultimatum time. The vow was monogamy, not celibacy.

She doesn't want that to happen, that's the thing, and neither do I.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I have done, but I guess you tighten up a little when you haven't had intercourse in a while? She said it's not the going in bit that's the problem - it's further up where it starts to hurt her.

Yes, after a period of no intercourse, things change. What's concerning me is the "further up" part. That should  not be happening.

 

[Harry sach]

At least she’s willing to explore options !

She informed me earlier on that she's invested in some toys, so we'll see how we get on with those!

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

She informed me earlier on that she's invested in some toys, so we'll see how we get on with those!

Good luck brother.

 

[LMWM321]

She doesn't want that to happen, that's the thing, and neither do I.

Your wife seeing her primary care physician, then together seeing a sex therapist who will help you to approach sex differently - eg., more patiently and with less emphasis on always achieving orgasm - should ensure that you both continue to enjoy sex long after her menopause begins.

I really believe that when women call a complete halt to sex after menopause, it's because they didn't really enjoy it all that much before menopause, which is often because they had an impatient and selfish partner.

 

[Bi4Older84]

Along with vaginisimus, vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy can be common side effects of menopause. She may want to see her gynecologist for further testing. There are also pelvic floor therapists that can help with the situation, if it's a muscle issue. There are also medical dilators that can help a woman gradually increase the girth of what can be penetrated.

Be aware that it may a gradual process, and your patience and encouragement are going to be needed if you both hope to get back to normal penetrative sex. It's likely a combination of factors-if she's lost interest in sex and it's painful for her, it just may be a physiological issue, not necessarily a relationship issue.

 

[LMWM321]

if she's lost interest in sex and it's painful for her, it just may be a physiological issue, not necessarily a relationship issue.

True, and if you persist in trying to have sex when it's painful for her, you will then introduce anxiety into your intimacy which is a total libido killer

 

[Harry sach]

Yes, after a period of no intercourse, things change. What's concerning me is the "further up" part. That should  not be happening.

It's very strange. She literally just freezes up.

 

[Harry sach]

True, and if you persist in trying to have sex when it's painful for her, you will then introduce anxiety into your intimacy which is a total libido killer

We've always stopped to be honest. If it's painful, I'm not going to force it.

 

[Harry sach]

Along with vaginisimus, vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy can be common side effects of menopause. She may want to see her gynecologist for further testing. There are also pelvic floor therapists that can help with the situation, if it's a muscle issue. There are also medical dilators that can help a woman gradually increase the girth of what can be penetrated.

Be aware that it may a gradual process, and your patience and encouragement are going to be needed if you both hope to get back to normal penetrative sex. It's likely a combination of factors-if she's lost interest in sex and it's painful for her, it just may be a physiological issue, not necessarily a relationship issue.

She hasn't lost interest - we were never that regular anyway, but it's realising that it's part of a loving relationship, and not being able to do it is frustrating. Hopefully we can get it sorted out.