Hoping for feedback on my 1st story

HrnyMN20

Virgin
Joined
Jul 26, 2004
Posts
7
I already submitted this story to lit. But, I haven't gotten any comments yet. So, I was just hoping I could get some opinions. I really enjoy writing and this was my first time writing an erotic story. So, let me know what you think!


First Time: A Night to Remeber

It started out as a really boring day for me. There was nothing to do, so I headed to the local Wal-Mart to walk around. That really didn't help things for me as I was still bored as I walked out of the store.

I was half way to my car when I heard it. "Josh, is that you?", asked the voice of a woman.

I turned around to see her. It was Jane, a friend of my Mom's form years back. I had known her and her family for years. For being in her very early 40's, she still looked damn good. She was tall at a little over 6 feet even with medium length blonde hair. She was nice and skinny with a great tan. To tell the truth, I had always had somewhat of a crush on her.

I stared at her for a few seconds before answering her. She was really hot. She had a nice pink tank-top and some really tight jean shorts, exposing her long sexy legs and beautiful ass. After staring at her perfect body for a few seconds, I responded to her, "Jane? How are you? I haven't seen you in a while."

She smiled and said, "I'm okay. I haven't seen you in a while either. Listen, my girlfriend was supposed to pick me up and bring me back to my place, but she just called my cell phone and said she's having car trouble. Do you think you could give me a ride?"

I was planning on going right home and just relaxing, but she was impossible to turn down. She looked at me with little puppy-dog eyes and said, "Please." She looked so sexy as she said it.

Being the nice guy that I was I said, "Ok, sure come on". She just smiled at me as she caught up to me and started walking along with me to my car. I let her get a little bit ahead of me as I checked her out from behind. She may have been 40 years old, but she had a body like a 20-year old.

As we got to the car, I went to the driver side to open my door. Suddenly, I heard a clearing of the throat and turned to Jane. She looked at me and said, "Are you forgetting something?"

I smiled as I walked over to the passenger's side of the car and opened the door. She looked at me and stared into my eyes. She smiled so sexily as she said, "Thank you very much." She then winked at me and licked her lips ever so softly as she bent down and got in the car. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was flirting with me.

I got in the car and after a couple of seconds, we were out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and on the way to Jane's house. I sat in the car, driving in silence. I really didn't know what to say or how to react to the way Jane looked at me. Was she coming on to me? Was I overreacting? I wasn't sure.

As I continued to drive, I kept one eye on the road and the other on Jane's sexy, tan legs. They looked so gorgeous. It took everything I had to not take the eye on the road and put it on her legs. Jane suddenly broke my trance. "Umm...So Josh, are you seeing anyone these days?"

"No, not now.", I said, sounding a little rattled. I wasn't sure if Jane had noticed me staring at her legs or not. I just tried to down-play the whole thing.

"Oh, so you must be pretty lonely some nights. Not having a woman to satisfy your wants and needs. I bet you get so horny every night, wishing you had someone to make you cum whenever you wanted it. Am I right?"

I was totally shocked. I was now totally sure that she was coming on to me. If I played my cards right, I could be a very happy man at the end of the night. I though carefully on how to respond, not knowing what to say without sounding like a complete dumbass.

What I ended up saying wasn't exactly the smoothest thing however. "Umm..I...Uhh."

I looked at Jane quickly then back on the road. I started to tense up as Jane slid a little closer and put her hand on my knee. She leaned in and blew gently in my ear. My dick instantly started to stir in my pants.

Jane leaned in even closer and whipered in my ear, "Listen, I saw you looking at me. I know you'd like to have a little fun wiht me, wouldn't you?"

I swallowed hard and nervously replied, "Yes, yes I would."

Jane moaned very softly. So softly that I barely heard it. She whispered in my ear again. "I knew you did. And guess what? You can have all the fun with me that you want. I mean ALL THE FUN you want. Tell me something: Have you ever had sex before?"

My face got a little red. I was somewhat embarrassed as I replied, "No."

"Mmmm...Well, I would be very honored to be your first. Have you ever had your cock sucked?"

My dick got even harder in my jeans as I struggled to keep my car on the road. I cleared my throat and said, "No I havent'."

Jane moaned again and said, "It would be an honor for me to suck your cock. Would you like that?"

I started getting butterflys in my stomach and my dick started twitching like crazy. "Yes, I would", I said, trying my hardest to keep my cool.

Jane chuckled a little bit as she moved away from me and sat back in her seat. I instantly felt my dick start to go limp. I was worried that she was just teasing me. That she made me look like a fool. Her next words proved me wrong. "Mmmmm, I'm so horny. I haven't been fucked in weeks. My pussy is aching. Is there anything you want to do about that? Don't be shy, sweetie.", she said sounding very sexy and caring and at the same time.

The way she said this and the way she sounded calmed me down greatly. I started feeling a little bold as I answered her question. "Well, I'd like to eat your pussy over and over and then fuck the hell out of it. What do you think of that?"

The instant I said that, I felt totally stupid. I had those thoughts about several women, but I always kept them in my head. I never said them out loud to a woman before. I wasn't sure how she'd react. I sounded alot bolder than I actually was. I was scared to death. I wasn't that bold. I was nervous as hell, but I was more than ready to "have some fun" with Jane.

"Oh yea, that's what I wanted to hear. I'm going to make your first time one that you'll never forget. I promise you that, Joshie.", she said as she started petting my knee and my dick started to grow yet again.

About this time, Jane's house came into my vision. I slowed the car down and parked into the driveway. I shut the car off and stepped outside as Jane did the same. We both walked up to her front door. She topped to open the door, then stood in the doorway, blocking me from getting in. She grabbed me, pulled me in, and planted a soft kiss on my lips. She slipped her tongue gently in my mouth and ran it over my tongue and teeth. My dick grew even more in my pants as I started to run my tongue along hers and her lips. Her mouth tasted very good and my dick was feeling all sorts of things.

Jane then drew her mouth from mine and said, "There will be plenty of time for that later. Now, I want you to take a shower and get that cock all nice and fresh for me. Then, I'll take a shower and get this pussy of mine all nice and fresh for you. I want us to have the best of eachother. What do you say?"

It took me all of one second to answer, "Definitely." She pointed the way as I headed into the bathroom, took off my clothes, and jumped into the shower.

I shouldn't neglect to say that Jane was known as the "town slut". She'd been with a lot of men. She seemed to be proud of that fact. But, I also shouldn't neglect to say that that fact didn't bother me one bit.

While I was in the whoer, my head was spinning. I was sure that this was a dream and I'd be waking up shortly. I mean, I wasn't really going to fuck this hot woman that I'd like for years, was I? She wasn't really coming on to me, was she?

As I finished washing myself, including my rock hard dick. I heard a noise. I opened the sohwer curtain to see Jane walking in the bathroom with a devilish smile on her face. She walked right up to me and ran her hand across my cheek. She then leaned forward into the shower a little bit and turned the water off. As she leaned back out, Jane stopped and wrapped her hand around my hard dick and gave it a quick pull. It took everything I had not to cum right there. Her hand, her touch, was so soft and gentle. It made me want her even more.

I guess Jane could sense how I was feeling because she leanded in and whispered into my ear, "Not yet, big boy. Why don't you come on out and dry off. Wait in my room while I get cleaned up. Then, when I'm done, I'm gonna fuck you like crazy!"

Her dirty talk turned me on even further. I did as I was told and went to pen the bathroom door. Suddenly, I was stopped by Jane's voice. "Josh, here take these", she said as she tossed me her little pink panties. As I caught them, Jane spoke agian, "Here's a little present from me to you. Now, go and enjoy these while I take a quick shower. Then, I'll be out before you know it and we'll have a great time."

I opened the door to Jane's room and saw a nice, clean room. The main part of the room was her king-sized bed. I jumped up on it and slid up on one of the pillows, laid back and relaxes. I took the panties that Jane gave me and brought them up directly to my nose. I inhaled a large scent of pussy and instantly my dick started aching. I wanted that pussy so bad I could taste it. It smelt so sweet. I then took her panties and shoved them directly in my face. The aroma of her pussy drove me wild. As I pressed her panties to my face, I felt something strange. Something wet. It hit me instantly: Jane was wet. She was horny! For me!

That thought drove me wild as my dick grew even larger. It was twitching all over. I tried to calm myself down. I kept telling myself to relax and don't cum right away like an idiot. Take it all in and enoy the night. This was the chance of a lifetime, grab hold of it. I was definitely prepared to do just that.

For the next couple of minutes, I layed back on the bed and just relaxed myself. My dick started to go down a little bit and I was feeling more in control of the situation. That feeling quickly went away in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, the bedroom door opened and in walked Jane. She took my breath away as she stood directly in front of me, totally naked. My dick instantly sprung back to life and grew at record pace. Jane had a huge smile on her face as she came towards me and kneeled down on the bed.

She leaned into me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips, then took her tongue and ran it over my lips. I took my tongue and met hers with several strokes. Her tongue felt so good and I couldn't wait to feel it on other parts of my body. She then moved away from my face and moved over to my dick. She grabbed it in her hand and stroked it a couple of times. My eyes rolled back in my head at the feel of her touch.

Jane smiled at me and said, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a hard cock in my mouth? Mmmm."

I laid back and moaned softly. I started to buck my hips up and down, wanting Jane to stroke my dick faster.

She must have senses what I wanted because almost instantly, she stroked my dick up and down very fast in her right hand. While she did that, she took her middle and index fingers on her left hand and rubbed underneath my balls.

The sensation was incredible. I started breathing heavy. I knew I was going to cum. I was going to screw the whole thing up.

Suddenly, Jane took her hand off my dick. She looked up at me and said, "Relax, Joshie. Just lay back and enjoy this. If you cum now, don't worry about it. I don't mind taking all the cum you got tonight."

Her words of assurance seemed to calm me down greatly. I wasn't that worried about cumming now. But, was determined not to cum until the last possible second. I wasn't going to blow my load several times. I only wanted to do it once. I wanted to take everything Jane had to offer and then shoot my cum all over her.

Jane looked back up at me and asked, "Are you ready for this?" I nodded, assuring her that I was more than ready. "Mmmm, this the best part", Jane purred.

My dick grew another inch as Jane lowered her open mouth closer to my dick. Her hot breath on my dick felt magnificient. But, not as good as it was going to feel in a couple of seconds.

Jane looked directly into my eyes and winked at me. God, that was so sexy! I wanted to fuck her so bad at that moment, but I more than happy to settle for what she did next. She stuck her tongue out and flicked it gently back-and-forth over my piss-hole. It felt incredible!

Jane kept licking over my hole several times. I moaned softly and it was very hard not to cum. The tip of my dick was itchign due to Jane's soft licks. I yearned to stop the itch, but trused that Jane would take care of it soon enough.

And, take care of it she did. She opened her mouth wide and brought it down the entire 6 1/2 inches of my rock-hard cock. Then, she wrapped her lips around it and slowly came up. My eyes were shut tight as Jane's tongue made contact with the underside of my dick. She then sucked the rest of the way and let go of my dick, making an audible "pop" noise.

Jane had a small string of saliva on her chin, but she quickly took care of that with one stroke of the tongue. I looked and realized that Jane was only partially on the bed. So, I decided to scoot up all the way to the headboard, allowing her to get up fully on the bed.

Jane did just that as she got up on her knees and in between my legs. She smiled at me once again as she grabbed my dick. Jane lowered her head, stuck out her tongue and licked from right underneath my balls. She brought her tongue up over the middle of my sack to the bottom of my dick and up the shaft ever so softly and slowly. She was using just the tip of her tongue, tickling every last inch of my balls and cock. She then brought her tongue up to my head and licked across the bottom back and forth.

Jane then took her mouth off my cock and looked up at me. "How does that feel, baby?"

I moaned loudly, "Mmmmm, god baby that feels so good. Suck it some more!"

Jane chuckled at that comment and said, "Yes sir."

She then wrapped her lips around my cock head and started bobbing up and down the length of my pole. The feeling was undescribable. I was trying to keep my mind off of cumming. I tried to think about anything except what was going on at the moment. That was very hard to do as Jane kept bobbing up and down on my cock. But now, she also took her right and and massaged my balls over and over.

I think she was almost willing me to cum, but I wasn't going to oblige her. I wanted to hold out for as long as I oculd. She took her mouth off of my dick once again. But, this time she wrapped her mouth around my left nut. I instantly shot forward as the sensasion was incredible. I honestly thought that I had cummed, but I didn't. I was very proud of myself.

Jane kept my nut in her mouth as she ran her tongue over it repeatedly. I started feelign more comfortable and bold. I decided to talk and open up a bit more.

"Yea, baby. God, suck me. Suck my cock. God it feels so fuckin' good!"

Jane did as she was told. She took her mouth off my nut and placed it back over my cock. Jane bobbed up and down on my dick some more. She already had her tongue running up and down my dick. I got even bolder as I placed my hand on the back of Jane's head, encouraging her to suck faster and ahrder.

She didn't disappoint. She wrapped her lips ever so tightly around my dick and bobbed up and down very fast. I didn't even need to fuide her. She knew exactly what I wanted and she had no problem at all giving it to me.

Jane kept thi up for at least 3 or 4 minutes. It seemed like forever and that was ok with me. Every last second felt like heaven. I was totally shocked that I hadn't cummed yet. However, I did make that pact with myself not to cum. I am convinced that a "higher power" was with me, helping me not to cum.

Finally, she took her mouth off my dick. There was a little bit of precum starting to ooze out from the tip of my dick. Jane saw this and got the biggest smile of all on her face as she darted her tongue out and licked up all of the precum.

Jane wiped her mouth off a little bit and then straddled my chest. She bent down and again gave me a kiss on the lips. Our tongues explored eachother's mouth as I allowed my hands to run all over her naked back. Her skin felt so smooth and silky.

Jane broke off the kiss and said, "My my, you are one stubborn man. You know that? I want your cuma nd you won't give it to me. Why not, baby?"

I replied honestly, "I wanna save the best for last baby. So far, you've made me feel excellent. But now, if you don't mind, I'd give anything to taste that pussy."

Jane almost purred as she rubbed her hands all over my chest. "You want this pussy? You want this wet Pussy?", she asked in the sexiest of ways. I just nodded and said, ''Damn right."

"You want it? You got it, baby!", Jane said as she got off my chest. I got up and got off the bed as I allowed Jane to take over my spot at the head of the bed. I got on the bed in her old spot and straddled he rchest. I bent down and licked her sweet lips once over. I then went down a little further and grabbed her small A-cup tits in my hand. I squeezed them gently, bent down and licked over her nipples on both tits. I heard Jane take a deep breath and start to relax.

I decided to go straight to the main course. I moved down her body and stopped at her stomach. I kissed and licked her stomach over and over as I felt it up. Her body was fantastic. She had a great stomach, but what I wanted was down a little bit farther.

I slid my body down the bed a little way and then opened her long, tan legs. I lowered my head and came face to face with with Jane's beautiful pussy. I hadn't ver had sex or eaten a pussy in my life at this point, but I'd seen plenty of them on the internet and in videos. I've seen pussies of some of the hottest women I've ever seen, but they didn't compare at all to what was in front of my face.

Jane was in her early 40's, but she was in fantastic shape. Her pussy was an absolute thing of beauty. She had a little strip of hair right above her pussy lips, which I loved. Her cunt itself looked so delicious. I could also see a little bit of dampness on her lips, which turned me on even further. I never imagined I could make someone like Jane wet. It runed me on even more than I already was.

I put my face ven closer into her pussy and inhaled the sweetest scent. Her pussy smelled so sweet and moist. I stuck out my tongue and licked from the top of her slit down to the bottom and back up to the top quickly, getting the taste of it. I took the index and middle fingers on my right hand to open up her lips and to reveal some nice pink pussy.

I used my whole tongue to get a big taste of her pussy. I licked her insides in long, large strokes as I reached up and gently rubbed her clit with my left thumb. Jane started to squirm on the bed and moan softly. it was music to my ears. I then took the tip of my tongue and licked the sides of her pussy lips gently. I then brought my tongue to her clit and licked the very tip of it ver so gently.

With the touch of my tongue on her clit, Jane isntantly moaned out, "Ohhh fuck yes!" She then took her great hands and rubbed them in my hair, uriging me to keep going.

I was more than happy to oblige her. I took my tongue and ran it up and down her clit very fast, flicking it over and over again as Jane was moving in all directions. I grabbged her waist and held it still as I wrapped my mouth around her little clit. I sucked in and my mouth was tightly wrapped around her hard clit. As soon as I did that, Jane gasped and moaned loudly, "Oh shit! Mmmmm yea! Suck my clit! Eat my pussy!"

I kept my lips wrapped around her clit as I stuck out my tongue and brushed it hard against her clit and licked it over and over, keeping my vice grip on her clit with my lips. Jane was moaning very loud as she started grinding her pussy into my face, giving me more of her clit and her wet cunt brushing against my chin.

I took my lips off her clit, as hard as that was. I then wiped her wetness of my chin with my right middle and idex fingers and sucked them dry. It tasted so sweet and sexy. Jane moaned and chuckled a bit when I did this.

She asked, How's it taste?" as she moved her fingers down and rubbed her pussy a little bit. I sat and watched her play with herself a little bit before I answered her.

"Mmmmm, it tastes delicious. Your pussy tastes so sweet. I think I want some more," I said. Jane smiled, spread her legs apart even further, and laid her head back down.

I spread her lips open again as I attacked her pretty pink cunt with my tongue over and over as I diddled her clit with my thumb. She started moaning even louder and it felt fantastic to think that I could make someone as beautiful and as hot as Jane moan to make her horny.

I continued to lick her pussy and switch off sucking on her clit for the next couple of minutes as Jane continued to moan and scream for more. "Oh God! Eat my pussy, Joshie. God yea. Eat it. Eat my little pussy!"

Jane ran her fingers through my hair and pushed my head further into her pussy. My tongue pushed further and further into her insides as I lapped up plenty of Jane's tasty pussy juices. I had always wanted to eat pussy. I always imagined it tasting great. And it did, but I had no idea it tasted this good.

As much as I loved hearing her moan and scream, I wanted to hear Jane cum. So, took my middle and index fingers on my right hand and slid them slowly into her pussy. At first contact with her pussy, Jane gasped and arched her back, allowing my fingers to slide deeper in her pussy.

I slid my fingers in her pussy and shoved them in and out at a fairly slow pace, just wanting to feel her insides more. I bent down and started to lick her clit over and over as I continued to showve my fingers in her pussy. Jane continued to grind her pussy into my fingers, allowing me to go deeper and deeper into her cunt.

I decided to "go for the kill", so to speak. I started ramming my fingers faster and deeper into her pussy as I licked her clit very fast back and forth. her pussy was so wet, that my fingers squeeked as I slid them in and out of her pussy. Jane started squeeling, "Oh god, it feels so good! Dont' stop. Don't stop!" Her moaning and begging was driving me crazy. It just made me more determined to make her cum.

I decided to slide a third finger into Jane's pussy. As soon as I did that, Jane let out a very loud moan and a "Fuck yea!" I sucked on her clit even harder as I continued finger-fucking her pussy very fast. Not only did I keep my fingers at a fast pace, I used more force, finger-fucking her harder. I kept shovign my fingers in her pussy as I licked her clit over and over.

I could feel or I thought that Jane was getting closer to her orgasm. She continued to grind her pussy into my mouth and fingers. Her moaning became more frequent as did her encouraging.

"Oh, Joshie. Dont' stop. God, it fels so good. I'm gonna cum any second. Don't stop. Fuck, God Don't Stop!!!"

True to her word, acouple of minutes later, Jane let out her loudest moan of the night and started shaking. I held her waist still with my left hand as I kept my right hand in her pussy. Suddenly, my fingers became drenched with Jane's warm cum. It wasn't a lot, but my fingers were fairly covered in it. I looked up at Jane and she had a satisfied smile on her face.

I got up off the bed and moved up by her head. I sat down next to her and stuck my three cum-covered fingers in my mouth and tasted her sweet cum mixed with her pussy juice. It tasted so great. The taste alone brough my dick back ina frenzy.

I bent down and gave Jane a big kiss, probing my tongue in her mouth, making sure she could taste her own juices. She returned my kiss and attacked my tongue with her own. I broked off the kiss and said, "God, Jane you tasted so fucking good!"

She moaned and then smiled up at me. "Well, your cock didn't taste all that bad either.", she said with a wink. I smiled, kind of embarrassed. She then said, "Josh, I think it's time for both of us to get what we want at the same time. I'm ready to fuck you. Are you ready to fuck me?"

I definitely wanted to fuck her, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. The "moment of truth" was at hand. This is what I'd been waiting 18 years for. I had waited that long for someone I could fuck. I never imagined that person would be Jane, but she was all I could ever want or hope for in my first.

I responded, to her question by saying, "I've never been more ready for anything in my life." She responed to me by getting up off the bed, coming to me and pushing me back on the bed in my original spot.

Jane then said, "Ok Josh, just sit back and enjoy every last minute of this. I'm gonna fuck you like you've never been fucked before and like you'll never be fucked again. I promise you that."

With that, she climbed up on the bed and was directly over me. She lined her pussy up with my hard dick and slowly brought herself down onto it. As soon as her pussy made contact with my dick, I let out a loud gasp. I knew it would feel good, but I wasn't prepared for the sensation to be that strong.

Jane stopped for a second, making sure I was ok to continue. I caught my breath and braced myself. I grabbed Jane's waist and brought her down slowly onto my dick. Every inch she slid down felt fantastic. I knew I said I wouldn't cum unitl the very last second. This was what I wanted to do before I came: Fuck Jane. I was about ready to do that. I knew I wouldn't last long, but that I would hold on as long as I could. The fact I made it as far as I did was a surprise to me in the first place.

Her pussy was covering every last inch of my dick. If she would have stayed in that position the rest of the time, it would have been great, but she didn't and it was still great! Jane slowly brought herself up and slowly brought herself down again on my cock. I was able to feel every inch of her wet pussy. My eyes were rolling back in my head. I couldn't believe how great it really felt.

I wrapped my hands around Jane's tight, skinny waist as she rode my dick up and down very slowly, allowing me to feel every inch of her insides. I was moaning like crazy as I was rubbing her stomach up and down. I desperately wanted her to go faster, but I was sure that I'd cum right way if she did. I told myself that I was going to hold out for a couple more minutes, no matter what. I wanted her to ride me like a bull and I wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could.

I opened my eyes and said, "Jane, baby. Mmmm it feels so good. Ride my cock please. Ride it so fast. I wanna cum all over you!"

Jane didn't say anything, but she did as she was told. She started to slide up and down my cock a little faster. She had a steady pace going as I was holding onto her waist. She was going at a good speed, but I wanted it just a little faster. I started to buck my hips, meeting her pussy with my cock thrusting upwards into her as she came down on me. I grabbed her waist and shoved it down harder on my dock as I thrusted up into her with all of my might.

Jane knew what I wanted and she obliged me. She put her hand on my chest and shoved me back on the bed gently, meaning for me to be still. I did as she wanted as I continued to hold and caress her sides. Jane started bouncing up and down on my cock very fast. She must have went up and down on it at least 20 times every 10 seconds. It felt incredible. I couldn't help but meet her with more hard thrusts. That made my cock feel even better.

I could hear Jane moaning, but barely as mine was a little louder. My eyes were closed almost the whole time, savoring every minute of it. I opened my eyes to see Jane riding my cock every which way as she ran her hands through her beautiful blonde hair. She looked so fucking sexy and I was in complete heaven. My cock felt so terrific. I nver knew it as capable of feeling the way it was.

It was at the moment I saw her riding me, that I realized I was on the verge of exploding. I decided to thrust up into ther a couple more times. I held her waist even tighter, allowing myself more leverage to thrust up into her harder. Jane was moaning and rubbing her hands over my chest. I absolutely was enjoying every second of this, but realized that I wasn't going to last much longer.

I decided to give Jane a warning. "Oh shit! God, I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna Cum! Yea baby!"

Jane immediately pulled herself off my dick and got on her knees directly in front of my cock. She wrapped her right hand around my dick and started pumping it in her hand up and down as fast as it could possibly go.

I lasted as long as I could, I was going to explode right now. "Oh fucking shit! Here it comes, baby! Here it comes! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"

With that, I shot a huge wad of cum that landed directly on Jane's face and slid down onto her tongue. I shot a couple of more good wads that Jane directed onto her sexy tongue. Once I stopped spurting my cum, after about 4 shots, Jane looked up at me. She opened her mouth and revealed a huge wad of my cum on her tongue. With one move, she closed her mouth and swallowed hard. It was so sexy.

Jane stroked my dick a little more, getting every last drop out of it that she could.

I had the biggest smile of all on my face. Nothing in the world could wipe it off of me. I jsut laid back and watched as Jane reached up and scooped the wad of cum off her chin and sucked it off her fingers.

When she was done with her snack, Jane slid up onto me completely and gave me the deepest kiss of all. Our tongues explored eachother's mouths for a minute or so. I ran my hands all over her body, wanting to feel her sexy body as long as I could. Jane broke free from our kiss, but started sucking on my neck for a few seconds. She wanted to give me something to remember this night for a couple days.

After she was through with my neck, she came face to face with me and spoke, "I hope that was everything I said it would be. Are you satisfied, Joshie?"

The smile was still on my face as I replied, "Oh fuck yea. You're everything I could ever imagine. You're so fucking beautfiul!"

Jane smiled and chuckled a bit. Then, she gave me a quick peck on the lips. She then got up and said "Good, I'm so glad you enjoyed it because I sure as hell did. I needed a cock so bad! Thank you so much!" It took me one second to say "No problem, baby."

The next couple of minutes were uneventful as I went into the bathroom and washed my hands.

As I walked out, Jane was still naked. I walked up to her and said, "Thank you so much, Jane! I'll never forget this."

Jane stood up and said, "Thank you, Joshie. You were really great too. Not bad at all for a first-timer. Dont' stay a stranger okay?"

I smiled and gave her another small kiss. As I backed away, Jane gave me her pink panties and said, "Enjoy." I took a big wiff of her panties and inhaled her scent once more. I then looked at Jane and smiled at her as I said "Goodbye" and walked away.

As I got in my car and drove away, the events of the night raced through my mind. Just an hour and a half ago, I was wandering around at Wal-Mart and now here I was, having lost my virginity to a very beautiful woman. It was definitely a night to remember!
 
I had trouble with this one, but please remember that this is just me and I may not be the audience you had in mind. I like stories with a great deal of plot and characterization - my favorite thus far is 12 web pages long and has only one really "complete" or lengthy sex scene in it. I offer this by way of context so that you can better weigh my comments. If we're looking for quite different things in an erotic story, we can expect to disagree without your work being any the worse for its intended purpose.

With that introduction, personally I found that this moved too quickly and that I didn't get enough understanding of character motive. It was hard for me to connect with the sex and be excited by it when it seemed essentially rootless as far as human motivation and real desire went. The male lead's desire seems to be totally internal - that is, he wants to lose his virginity and it doesn't seem to much matter who with. Similarly, the female lead seems interested in some younger game without much selectivity as to who it might be. There's a place in the world, of course, for random sexual encounters, but it's hard to get a real zing out of the sex when the partners know little about each other and are essentially using the encounter as a substitute for masturbation.

Again, just me. I tend to find the context and character development what makes the sex interesting rather than the other way around. Don't let a cranky old literary eroticist discourage you - this is a fine piece of work for people who prefer to get to the point. (Never a primary characteristic of my own.)

Shanglan
 
Don't worry about it man. I appreciate your input and will definitely keep it in mind when I write another story!
 
The style reminds me of a Penthouse forum letter - straight to the point. I understand the previous comment in that it does not develop characters, but appreciated his candor that that is simply his preference. As far as complex literature goes, this is not. As far as a good hot sexy story that gets me warm, this is! Good going for your first. I posted my first one recently also, and didnt spend much effort on characters. I was focusing on a erotic story as you were. Hell, I didnt even name my people! My intent, as yours may have been also, was to simply relay an erotic fantasy or experience. If that was your intent, mission accomplished!
 
When I used to edit for folks, I'd always ask them up front if they wanted me to read for content, style or errors. I still think in those terms, but here I can't ask before I read a piece what the author most wants help with. I wind up with comments in all three categories, and worry that the onslaught will be overwhelming. I do think there are ways you can improve all three categories, but I don't want you to feel I'm trashing your piece.

As far as content goes, I think you've got the framework worked out pretty well. You obviously wanted a stroke piece, so you didn't want deep characters having meaningful sex. I think the hardest part of writing erotica can be coming to terms with the sheer physicality of your topic, just successfully choreographing a story is a big deal. You've done that. I'd recommend that if you want to improve your stories, you stretch yourself a little more next time and tell more of a story, but that's just me. I'm still looking for the perfect balance myself.

Getting back to THIS story, though, I'll start by getting some of my pet peeves out of the way, if you don't mind ;). I love that your girl doesn't have standard issue beach-ball breasts. But there is a wealth of ways to tell us they're small without using jargon. You can use your description as an additional chance to turn on your reader, saying they, I dunno, fit in the palm of your hand, or just filled your mouth, or barely peeked out from behind her nipple. A-cup is a short cut, it's a wasted opportunity, and it feels cheep somehow. Ditto "6 and a ½ inch dick". You totally get credit with me for not having a male star walking around with a foot long salami in his pants. But you lose the realistic points when you take me away from the realism, and start giving me sports stats. Honest to God, unless the exact length of his dick is going to be a point in the story you can leave it out. Men won't be impressed, and women really don't go wet over digits.

I think you made your job harder by choosing to write in first person, in some ways. I do it all the time, I feel more comfortable there, but I hit this wall too. The point of a stroke story is, no shock, to turn the reader on. It's not enough to simply recount the internal monologue of the narrator. Some sorts of stories are improved by that sort of journalistic approach, but not these. If we write from this point of view, we have to find ways to draw the reader into our world. The descriptive burden is actually greater. Telling the reader that something felt "incredible" isn't enough, and I write that knowing I'm guilty of it too. We have to describe it in such a way that they can imagine themselves feeling it. If you write in third person, you're pushed away from those sorts of "evaluating" descriptions because you haven't got a point of view to evaluate from. We have to be careful not to fall into the trap. When you described the path her tongue took, I thought you were at your most effective. When you said you liked it, you were at your least, if you follow me. I try to get there by not only focusing on tactile sensations, but on my narrator's physical reactions. You have to say more than just that you wanted to cum, though…but that takes me on to my next point.

You get two points for trying to put a twist in the sex, having the boy desperate not to cum until the end was a good idea. But you blunted the edge by having it be pretty much the only thing that was going on outside the changing of positions. At times the variations on "I needed to. I didn't want to. I managed not to." got a little dry. I think you just didn't need to go to that well so often to make your point. Another obsession in this piece that started to drive me bonkers was what I started to think of as the erection weather report. It got biggers, then smaller, then slightly larger again. There was a small droop early in the afternoon, but recovery after a hot breeze blew in from the west. Maybe it's a girl thing, but it started to seem comic (follow the bouncing penis) and I don't think you meant it to. I'm sure you just didn't realize it came up as often as it did (pun intended, sorry, sent demands for beer vouchers to my pm box). That's what us critics are here to point out. Defiantely another place where less would've been more.

I'm going to leave content there, but if you want more, do please give me a shout.

Style. It all went wrong in the first few paragraphs for me ;). If I can, I'll just point out some things to watch out for by going through them.

It started out as a really boring day for me.

Me too. Why? Cause "really" is always really boring. "Really" is a cheat. Its near-beer. All the fizz, but no punch. If something is "really boring" I know it's not just boring. Yippee. But I don't know how much more. I don't know how it's boring. English is a big, complicated language. LOADS of adjectives are available, and one of them must be right for the atmosphere you're creating. If something's huge, gigantic or enormous…don't call it "very big" (a close cousin of "really big").

ESPECIALLY don't cheat your description in the first sentence. You're setting the scene here. This is where you want to use the one word that's going to make the rest of the story make sense.

There was nothing to do, so I headed to the local Wal-Mart to walk around. That really didn't help things for me as I was still bored as I walked out of the store.

You repeat yourself a lot. "There was nothing to do," is something I feel you just said in the previous sentence. Repetition can be a great tool. You can build up layers the way a painter builds up colour. But it should be intentional, and it should be progressive. This just didn't feel that way to me. There was nothing additional or new. And it's not just here. I'd go through the story, find the places where you describe things twice, or repeat the same observation within a sentence or paragraph, and see if that's not a red flag that you could combine the sentences. Alternatively, they may be places where adding detail could differentiate the statements and really push the story.

Next up, prepositional phrases. Useful things, in moderation. I'd suggest you try to use them as little as possible for a while, or even go through this story and weed out as many as possible, just to see how it works. They help define actions, but they also add LOADS of potentially unnecessary words, and remove the object from the action. Quick example: "as I left the store," is always going to flow better than "as I walked out of the store." I really think it's a regional thing, and correct me if you're an import to the Midwest, but pay particular attention to "for". MN and WI seem to use it a LOT more than the rest of the country. I remember from when I lived in WI, did most of my editing there.

I was half way to my car when I heard it. "Josh, is that you?", asked the voice of a woman.

Halfway, not two words. The comma isn't needed there, the ? does the job. If it were needed, it'd be inside the quotes. And "the voice of a woman" is another example of a prepositional phrase getting in the way. Sometimes it works to emphasize a point, but not here.

I turned around to see her. It was Jane, a friend of my Mom's form years back. I had known her and her family for years. For being in her very early 40's, she still looked damn good. She was tall at a little over 6 feet even with medium length blonde hair. She was nice and skinny with a great tan. To tell the truth, I had always had somewhat of a crush on her.

Mom, as a name, is capitalized. My mom isn't, because it's now a general noun, not a proper one. I think you're missing a comma in the middle, or I don't get how medium length blonde hair should have ordinarily impacted her height. Nice gets the same treatment as really, empty calories. And it should've been something rather than somewhat. All little, petty points. No one of them is fatal, but there are so many in this story that they start to wear on you. I think a good proofread would've done wonders for the story. Actually, I think all stories benefit from a having a proofreader go over them.

I stared at her for a few seconds before answering her. She was really hot. She had a nice pink tank-top and some really tight jean shorts, exposing her long sexy legs and beautiful ass. After staring at her perfect body for a few seconds, I responded to her, "Jane? How are you? I haven't seen you in a while."

Here's what I mean about repetition. "I stared at her for a few seconds," then later "After staring at her [snip] for a few seconds." Or: "she was really hot" followed immediately by a description of why she was really hot. If the description successfully conveys hotness, you don't need the first sentence at all. If the second sentence fails, the first isn't enough to convince us she was hot.

"For a few seconds" and "to her" are all prepositional phrases that could be lost without a problem, I think.

And I'm going to leave it there….I've rattled on a lot. It's just that I think you've got a really great start here, and I'd hate to see you leave it where it is.

G
 
Drop

"It started out as a really boring day for me. There was nothing to do, so I headed to the local Wal-Mart to walk around. That really didn't help things for me as I was still bored as I walked out of the store."

There are other ways to let us know that she is the "town slut" without saying so.
 
Thanks for the response and the pointers, especially GingerV. I will definitely take them all into account when writing again. Like I said, this was my first erotic story. I look forward to writing more. Again, thanks for the pointers and the honesty!
 
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