Hopeless Story??

[sweetnpetite]

My story 'Ex Sex' has probably the lowest of all scores for me (3.42) Now admitedly, I wrote it quickly and the subject matter is a little played out (Britney and Justin), but I'm wondering if there is anything I could do to it to make it better? Or is it just a lost cause?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=117394

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The problem I usually have with most celebrity stories is that the author often thinks it’s enough to just bring these two gorgeous people together and imagine them fucking and that his or her work is done. It seems that just thinking about two famously sexy people getting it on is so hot that a story can’t miss, and so they tend to neglect the other things a story needs in order to be hot.

I think that’s the problem here. Aside from some of the very un-Britneylike things she says (and which seem very out-of-character to me) , this is basically a story of two average people having warm but routine sex. You’re counting on the fact that it’s Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake to supply all the heat, and I just don’t think it does.

If you really wanted to save this one, I think you’d have to get into Britney and Justin’s heads and characters, and add a lot of sexual heat. You’d have to come up with some outrageous things they might do that wouldn’t just depend on who they are, but things that we could still imagine them doing. Otherwise, it’s really kind of a ho-hum piece.

---dr.M.

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Sweet~

Wow Doc...like the way that was put...

Sweet...I gotta agree with the doc!
Its got the potential...but a few twist, turns
or suprises is needed. Like what ya got but a
lead up to this would of been great.
Understand the call and being lonely and...

("He pealed out of the driveway in record time,
and made it to Britney’s rented townhouse
with two minutes to spare.")

Speared right to the point~~~>...hehehe

Its got the Erotica...just a little more Lit-...grin. ^

Bottom line...I liked it, just greedy and want more.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I agree with Dr M., the only real heat here comes because of the names of the characters - that's the reliance. To boost the heat, you need to get into the characters heads more. But how do you do that?

I think, you need more of a build up. So, we who don't know too much about the point in these characters' lives need to know where these guys are. I mean, to be honest right now I'm pretty drunk (long story. Well, not that long. Went out, got drunk.) and I'm no real expert on Ms Spears or Mr Justin Trousersnake.

So I might want to know something about them. For example: They split up, right? Why did they do that? Especially if they're still in love with each other. So why would they go against that to come together again?

One good tip for making a story erotic (I always think, but I'm pissed) is to emphasis some aspect of the story that makes the rendezvous of the two characters forbidden. Readers seem to respond well to that, it makes for a good suspenseful build-up to the "action", which then strengthens the effect of the lurve scene when it happens.

In this case, Britney's got this whole reputation for being a virgin (whether you believe that or not) and as a celebrity of a certain kind has an interest in keeping any real sexual activity away from the dreaded media. So there's an aspect of the forbidden you might be able to work with: these two characters have to satisfy their overwhelming sexual urges in the face of possible media intrusion. They have to sneak around, it's illicit sex. Might help heat things up.

Hope that helps.

I'm off to collapse somewhere.


Max.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Thanks doc,

I appreciate your input. And I agree. To be honest, I didn't try very hard on this one, so I'm not overly attached to it or sensitive about it. So anybody else with suggestions, don't be afraid to jump in

With this and the other input, I may be able to do something with this story.

The problem I usually have with most celebrity stories is that the author often thinks it’s enough to just bring these two gorgeous people together and imagine them fucking and that his or her work is done. It seems that just thinking about two famously sexy people getting it on is so hot that a story can’t miss, and so they tend to neglect the other things a story needs in order to be hot.

I think that’s the problem here. Aside from some of the very un-Britneylike things she says (and which seem very out-of-character to me) , this is basically a story of two average people having warm but routine sex. You’re counting on the fact that it’s Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake to supply all the heat, and I just don’t think it does.

If you really wanted to save this one, I think you’d have to get into Britney and Justin’s heads and characters, and add a lot of sexual heat. You’d have to come up with some outrageous things they might do that wouldn’t just depend on who they are, but things that we could still imagine them doing. Otherwise, it’s really kind of a ho-hum piece.

---dr.M.

 

[sweetnpetite]

More good suggestions- thank you.

And thanks to My Erotic Tail as well.

Anyone else?

I agree with Dr M., the only real heat here comes because of the names of the characters - that's the reliance. To boost the heat, you need to get into the characters heads more. But how do you do that?

I think, you need more of a build up. So, we who don't know too much about the point in these characters' lives need to know where these guys are. I mean, to be honest right now I'm pretty drunk (long story. Well, not that long. Went out, got drunk.) and I'm no real expert on Ms Spears or Mr Justin Trousersnake.

So I might want to know something about them. For example: They split up, right? Why did they do that? Especially if they're still in love with each other. So why would they go against that to come together again?

One good tip for making a story erotic (I always think, but I'm pissed) is to emphasis some aspect of the story that makes the rendezvous of the two characters forbidden. Readers seem to respond well to that, it makes for a good suspenseful build-up to the "action", which then strengthens the effect of the lurve scene when it happens.

In this case, Britney's got this whole reputation for being a virgin (whether you believe that or not) and as a celebrity of a certain kind has an interest in keeping any real sexual activity away from the dreaded media. So there's an aspect of the forbidden you might be able to work with: these two characters have to satisfy their overwhelming sexual urges in the face of possible media intrusion. They have to sneak around, it's illicit sex. Might help heat things up.

Hope that helps.

I'm off to collapse somewhere.


Max.