Honest Feedback

[YoursSINSerely]

I really would like to know what you think about the this story and about my writing. Public comments to the story are great--one way or the other. Feedback here will work for me, too, or, you can do a PM. Thanks for reading it and giving your feedback. It's filed under Fetish-Black Satin Stilettos--FYI--I just took them off!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=430300

 

[_Lynn_]

I'm not sure if this is a personal preference or not, but narratives bore me. Dialogue keeps things going and makes a piece feel real.

Your focus is the shoes, I get that. However, 'black satin stiletto high heels' four times in two paragraphs is a bit repetitive. There are other words repeated to the point of making me cringe. 'He doesn't know', for example.

There isn't enough for me to get any idea what these characters are like. I didn't catch names until the story was half done. You mentioned how tall they were, but they seem to have no personality to me.

The fetish of shoes is there, just not much else for me.

Just my opinion.

 

[YoursSINSerely]

I'm not sure if this is a personal preference or not, but narratives bore me. Dialogue keeps things going and makes a piece feel real.

Your focus is the shoes, I get that. However, 'black satin stiletto high heels' four times in two paragraphs is a bit repetitive. There are other words repeated to the point of making me cringe. 'He doesn't know', for example.

There isn't enough for me to get any idea what these characters are like. I didn't catch names until the story was half done. You mentioned how tall they were, but they seem to have no personality to me.

The fetish of shoes is there, just not much else for me.

Just my opinion.

Lynn,

Thanks for reading it. Thanks for your feedback. I had a tough time writing it, cuz "he wanted to know" and I didn't want to tell him. Not everything came out because I really didn't want to hurt his feelings. He's the one with the shoe fetish. I just happen to "like" them. ha. ha. It was a kind of farewell, shut up, and go away story anyway. One of the other aurthors (male) told me to keep repeating the black satin stilleto phrase throughout the story. Hey, maybe it's a "guy thing", or maybe you need to read it more slowly while stroking something (lol). I really do appreciate your comments. Babs

 

[_Lynn_]

Lynn,

Thanks for reading it. Thanks for your feedback. I had a tough time writing it, cuz "he wanted to know" and I didn't want to tell him. Not everything came out because I really didn't want to hurt his feelings. He's the one with the shoe fetish. I just happen to "like" them. ha. ha. It was a kind of farewell, shut up, and go away story anyway. One of the other aurthors (male) told me to keep repeating the black satin stilleto phrase throughout the story. Hey, maybe it's a "guy thing", or maybe you need to read it more slowly while stroking something (lol). I really do appreciate your comments. Babs

It's very rare I find a story I'd stroke something to.

 

[penandpaper]

I like the thought of your story, as well as the characters. She is easily pictured, even though there's little description of her. The way you spring their relationship on us is wonderful. I like how you waited till the middle of the story. It made for a good impact.

As far as the fetish goes, it's never done it for me, but I found myself being aroused during certain parts. The area in which you could most improve upon is word choice. Here's an example:

"She knows it's the black satin stiletto high heel that makes his cock throb and grow and want her so much. What he doesn't know about that five inch high heel is how much it turns her on to know that he likes it. He doesn't know how much it turns her on to slowly pull that stocking up, straighten the seam, and latch the garter on to it. He doesn't know how much it turns her on to know that he will be turned on just by seeing her legs standing upon those five inch black satin stiletto high heels.

He doesn't know that she can be turned on just by the thought of his hand upon her silken knee and the thought of his hand exploring the inside of her bare thigh. He doesn't know how wet her pussy will be when his fingers lightly stroke her, for it was just an hour ago as she showered when she had those very thoughts. He doesn't know that she touched herself where she imagined he would touch her and the sensations rose from her thighs to her breasts to her nipples.

He doesn't know how much she anticipates the very sight of his long and lean, naked body standing in her bedroom. He doesn't realize if she touches his growing manhood that it sends a hot sensation throughout her body. She can only think about how wonderful it feels to have him inside of her. She can't wait to have his member between her legs as he guides it gently inside her and that's what takes her breath away, every time, every single time they make love."

There's a lot, and I mean a lot of repetition in there. I realize you're doing it as a style, and you're trying to build their affections by doing it - but it's overboard. At the end, you do it, and I think it comes out nicely. But, to have the whole story like that - it doesn't work for me. My suggestion would be to find your own voice, and try to write from that.

Lastly, I would like to leave you with two really great lines from your story:

She wonders if she really caused it to become stiff, or did he make it happen?

"She smiles within herself to think that it might be all of her doing and nothing he can control." I like how this line seems to summarize her wishing she had control in the relationship.

And

"She can't figure out how he gets the earring removed." A line that made me smile. It adds a bit of playfulness and mystery to the man.

Overall good job and keep writing.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Sin,

I buy Lynn's comments but will add my two cents.

Narrative puts us, the readers, out of the loop. We are not there in the bedroom, voyeurs to the action, and are just passive. Why should we care?

Your story premise is super - fetish story that seems to be between two twenty-something singles and transpires into middle-aged infidelity. You lose the shock impact by not using dialogue, jumping between POVs - and not making us care.

Morgan Hawke has just written a brilliant 'How To' on writing fetish. The main point is to concentrate on the minutest details, which you don't here.

Fetish requires concentration on the act. Here you move between the two PoVs and split your attention between the characters and the fetish.

 

[sr71plt]

Haven't read the story, BUT . . . narrative when it is in the first person does not "put us, the readers, out of the loop"; it gives us the most intimate perspective of what's going on to and inside the narrator that you could possibly have.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Haven't read the story, BUT . . . narrative when it is in the first person does not "put us, the readers, out of the loop"; it gives us the most intimate perspective of what's going on to and inside the narrator that you could possibly have.

Before you come in, denigrating all that came before you, could you give us the respect of at least glancing at the story.

This is narrative in the third person, and definitely puts 'us' readers 'out of the loop'.

Try reading before commenting, it helps.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't have to glance at the story. Your comment was a general comment that I don't agree with--and my response was to your sweeping generalization. You should have said your comment was to the specific way the narration of this story went, if you are limiting it to that. But you didn't. You made a sweeping generalization that I find quite the wrong thing to be telling writers trying to develop their writing. If you didn't mean it as a sweeping generalization, you needed to be clearer in your postings.

That's a major problem in the blind leading the blind giving of writing advice.

"Narrative puts us, the readers, out of the loop."

This is what you posted. It's a sweeping generalization. It didn't say "The narrative in this story . . ."

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Thank You!

Thanks to all for your help. I can understand what you are telling me. I just know that this was a very difficult thing for me to write about. I had started in May, stopped in the middle, just because I didn't want to write it and spelling everything out for him. I think I didn't want him to know, let alone thousands of other people to know. But, he really wanted to know, so I wrapped it up and posted it.

It's difficult to write about a fetish when it's not your own. I feel no compassion toward the shoes. I wear them to please him. That's probably why I wear lipstick, because I can't see that, either. Maybe I should have written that in there, but again, I was not out to hurt someone's feelings.

I also realize there was no story in there at all. I knew the whole thing was going to be more like a statement of facts, just simply, because he wanted to know. I really am a black and white person, hence, my avatar suits me well. So, I think I did accomplish what I set out to do and you have read it exactly as I had planned it to be read.

And, now, he is gone and I'm left with better things on my mind with better stories to come. Stay tuned.....

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm not sure if this is a personal preference or not, but narratives bore me. Dialogue keeps things going and makes a piece feel real.

Your focus is the shoes, I get that. However, 'black satin stiletto high heels' four times in two paragraphs is a bit repetitive. There are other words repeated to the point of making me cringe. 'He doesn't know', for example.

There isn't enough for me to get any idea what these characters are like. I didn't catch names until the story was half done. You mentioned how tall they were, but they seem to have no personality to me.

The fetish of shoes is there, just not much else for me.

Just my opinion.

True. Narrative is boring unless the report is so consequential its importance grabs your full attention.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks to all for your help. I can understand what you are telling me. I just know that this was a very difficult thing for me to write about. I had started in May, stopped in the middle, just because I didn't want to write it and spelling everything out for him. I think I didn't want him to know, let alone thousands of other people to know. But, he really wanted to know, so I wrapped it up and posted it.

It's difficult to write about a fetish when it's not your own. I feel no compassion toward the shoes. I wear them to please him. That's probably why I wear lipstick, because I can't see that, either. Maybe I should have written that in there, but again, I was not out to hurt someone's feelings.

I also realize there was no story in there at all. I knew the whole thing was going to be more like a statement of facts, just simply, because he wanted to know. I really am a black and white person, hence, my avatar suits me well. So, I think I did accomplish what I set out to do and you have read it exactly as I had planned it to be read.

And, now, he is gone and I'm left with better things on my mind with better stories to come. Stay tuned.....

Thanks for explaining. Going back with the understanding and re-reading, the pain comes through sharply.

There is a powerful story to be told but, being a nice person, you leave the hurtful things unsaid. It will not win you any lit awards but it is a theme I understand from girlfriends with married lovers. The test of a true friend is a guy who loves you without shoes and lipstick.

Write some more.

Elle