Homophobic Homosexuals

[Chicklet]

My friend "John" is out. He's been out for a long time. He's in his thirties, a big guy, talks with a somewhat sarcastic voice that probably lables him as gay before he lets anyone in on it. And he's extremely homophobic.

In the privacy of his or my home he'll talk about guys, talk about cute guys, talk about what he wants to do with them to a point I think he's just trying to freak me out. Yesterday he got very, very exciting about going out to a gay bar, so we went. And we sat in a booth and huddled away from the people while he made disgusting, bigoted remarks about each one.

I'm a little frustrated. I went out with him, I was ready to check out the guys with him, and he kept saying how much he hates "faggots" and "Fairies" and he sneered at everyone we saw. When someone friendly came over and talked to us, he acted nice, and then acted very disgusted when the friendly man had left.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can help my friend? I feel like he hates himself so much he can't let loose. He wanted to go out, and then he flipped out when we were out.

I don't know if I'm just bitching about his behavior, but I guess I'd like to hear from anyone who knows a little about what I'm talking about.

Chicklet

 

[Never]

Not knowing your friend, I can only look at my own feelings and reactions toward other gays. Yes, queers can be homophobic and most are to some extent though it is typically not as strong as in the general population.

What you haven’t told us is what remarks he made. Okay, he called them fags and fairies, but what did he specifically point out as being ‘bad’ about them? Where the men too loud? Too swishy?

In addition, have you spoken with him about his behavior? Pointed out his inconsistencies? Did you make remarks about any good looking men?

 

[glamorilla]

All men are pigs.

 

[Rhys]

*oink*

 

[Cigan]

I don't know how well this would go over with your friend, but smack him a good one. Not physically necesserily, but let him know you don't appreciate him convincing you to go out with him and then being so violently unpleasent. I'll be the first one to admit I'm not entire comfortable around people who are really flaming, but there are lots of people I'm not necesserily comfortable around. I figure most of them wouldn't jive with me either, so I leave them to their lives, and everyone's happy. I have a hard time not getting pretty upset at any gay man who isn't willing to do that after the crap we have to deal with from homophobic straight people. If he doesn't go for the queen type, then he should find another place to cruise, he shouldn't put down the queens in one of the only places they can go to truly let out their inner diva without worrying about the guy two cubicles down making their life miserable in the office. If you're friend is going to listen to anyone on this topic it's going to be you, seeing as you were important enough to take with him on this exciting first night out on the gay old town, so I'd let him know how you feel.

 

[Pookie]

I'd be very curious to know in what context he meant with his comments. Were the statements directed at them specifically because they were gay? Does he say the same about straight guys that present themselves the same way, but not inferring that they are "acting" gay? Does he direct comments at all gay men, regardless of their outward appearance or behavior?

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether he is just showing his dislike for their behavior (that any sexual orientation could display) OR specifically their sexual orientation.

 

[glamorilla]

sillies.

perhaps he's having a hard time getting laid and is bitter about it.

i suggest five hours a week at the gym for two months.

and i resent being called a pig!

 

[glamorilla]

oh wait i said that!

 

[ithaqua]

sillies.

perhaps he's having a hard time getting laid and is bitter about it.

While I hate to be trite about anything, I do believe that Glam has hit on the problem here. John's feelings of insecurity and inadequacy can best be addressed by, well, you know.

 

[Etoile]

My friend "John" is out. He's been out for a long time. He's in his thirties, a big guy, talks with a somewhat sarcastic voice that probably lables him as gay before he lets anyone in on it. And he's extremely homophobic.

Interesting. I've heard plenty of voices that might be easily tagged as gay, but never because they sounded sarcastic.