Republican Party:
Timeline
* 1854 - The party is founded. Times are very different from today, and people look to the Republican Party for positive policies concerning slavery and trade as opposed to the Democratic Party, which, at the time, favored the interests of planter-slaveholders and the South.
* 1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. Unfortunately he was not bipartisan enough to escape the ire of a certain Confederate sympathizer, who assassinated him on April 14, 1865.
* 1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president following the assassination of William McKinley (George W. Bush in a previous life). He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment, and if he had his way in the next decade America would have had universal health care a century ago.
* 1912 - The Republicans are split between the conservative William H. Taft and the progressive Roosevelt. When the convention moves for Taft, TR leads an exodus, fracturing the Republican electorate. Roosevelt comes in second and the Democrats take the White House. From this point onwards, the Republicans were no longer the unequivocally "liberal" party.
* 1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican Party applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Contrary to what most people think, Herbert Hoover moves immediately into action, attempting a bailout and donating massive amounts of his own funds to charity to keep people out of poverty. To this day, Hoover is remembered as the man who started the Great Depression and is lumped in with the rest of the GOP.
* 1933 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (not a Republican), another candidate for greatest president ever, takes over. He greatly helps relieve unemployment during the Depression, and has the luck of being in office when the U.S. is drawn into, and helps win, World War II. He brought many years of prosperity to America, along with hitherto unknown levels of national debt.
* 1948-1968 - The segregationist Southern Democrats are abandoned by their increasingly tolerant party and gradually move to the increasingly conservative Republican Party. In 1964, the Deep South is the only region captured by Republican Barry Goldwater (aside from his home state). By the end of the decade, the once-solidly Democratic South has turned red (although Southerners Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton temporarily reverse the trend).
* 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower finishes his two-term presidency. While infamous for introducing the "Under God" part of the Pledge of Allegiance, as well as creating the "In God We Trust" motto, he is incredibly pragmatic, creating NASA, expanding Social Security, starting the desegregation process, and warning against a "military-industrial complex." Also one of the last Republican presidents to balance the federal budget.
* 1969-1974 - Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon is elected on a promise that he has a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really, really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Jimmy Carter in 1976. Despite this, he is the last progressive Republican, establishing the EPA as well as affirmative action.
* 1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. At this point the Republicans change from a center-right party to neoconservatism with the introduction of trickle down economics. Gets credit for delayed effects of crappy Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by present-day extremists. Spends 1/4 of all military defense money allotted during the Cold War when there was no point in doing so, and starts the 30-year trend of borrowing like a sailor without any regard for the consequences. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Vetoes the 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.
* 1994 - The Republican Party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really screw things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.
* Timber! 2000 - The Republican Party elects a monkey, chiefly due to Al "Doom and Gloom" Gore stealing votes that should rightfully have gone to Buchanan and Nader, and voter fraud and suppression in Florida. Republicans ditch saner paleoconservative principals, and give way to big gub'ment ideas like defense spending, border control, and the exacerbation of the War on Drugs. Fiscal conservatism is put on the backburner.
* 2005 - Bush signs a $286.4 billion dollar highway bill passed by a GOP-controlled Congress, earmarking $24 billion for 6,376 pet projects. What line? What sand?
* 2007 - Bush presses for passage of John McCain's bill granting a path to citizenship for 20 million illegal immigrants. Only a grassroots effort by abandoned conservatives (who demand the border be locked down) dials back the GOP drive for amnesty.
* 2008 - As his presidency was winding down, Bush issued a series of executive orders with nasty environmental consequences.
* 2009 - People are counting down the days. 4... 3... 2... 1...
* 2010 - The Republicans begin their massive campaign of smears, fear-mongering and misinformation against the Democrats. The Teabaggers are spawned. The Republicans become the "Party of No" as they try everything they can to block important or useful legislation proposed by the [Democrats] socialists. Dispirited and disinterested liberals stay home as angry conservatives turn out to elect enough scary people to Congress to take control of the House.
* 2011 - Control of the House achieved, congressional Republicans relax and enjoy being able to prevent Obama from making any progress, simply by not passing anything for him to sign. Nation largely ignores this as attention is drawn to the train wreck that is the presidential campaign.
Timeline
* 1854 - The party is founded. Times are very different from today, and people look to the Republican Party for positive policies concerning slavery and trade as opposed to the Democratic Party, which, at the time, favored the interests of planter-slaveholders and the South.
* 1860 - Abraham Lincoln, possibly the greatest president ever, is elected. He is remarkably bipartisan and agreeable, acting on what he feels is best for America rather than what is best for his party. Unfortunately he was not bipartisan enough to escape the ire of a certain Confederate sympathizer, who assassinated him on April 14, 1865.
* 1901 - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt becomes president following the assassination of William McKinley (George W. Bush in a previous life). He goes on to do many things that would be anathema to modern Republicans, including fighting big business and protecting the environment, and if he had his way in the next decade America would have had universal health care a century ago.
* 1912 - The Republicans are split between the conservative William H. Taft and the progressive Roosevelt. When the convention moves for Taft, TR leads an exodus, fracturing the Republican electorate. Roosevelt comes in second and the Democrats take the White House. From this point onwards, the Republicans were no longer the unequivocally "liberal" party.
* 1929 - The Great Depression starts. The Republican Party applies the "just watch the country go down the crapper" strategy. Contrary to what most people think, Herbert Hoover moves immediately into action, attempting a bailout and donating massive amounts of his own funds to charity to keep people out of poverty. To this day, Hoover is remembered as the man who started the Great Depression and is lumped in with the rest of the GOP.
* 1933 - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (not a Republican), another candidate for greatest president ever, takes over. He greatly helps relieve unemployment during the Depression, and has the luck of being in office when the U.S. is drawn into, and helps win, World War II. He brought many years of prosperity to America, along with hitherto unknown levels of national debt.
* 1948-1968 - The segregationist Southern Democrats are abandoned by their increasingly tolerant party and gradually move to the increasingly conservative Republican Party. In 1964, the Deep South is the only region captured by Republican Barry Goldwater (aside from his home state). By the end of the decade, the once-solidly Democratic South has turned red (although Southerners Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton temporarily reverse the trend).
* 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower finishes his two-term presidency. While infamous for introducing the "Under God" part of the Pledge of Allegiance, as well as creating the "In God We Trust" motto, he is incredibly pragmatic, creating NASA, expanding Social Security, starting the desegregation process, and warning against a "military-industrial complex." Also one of the last Republican presidents to balance the federal budget.
* 1969-1974 - Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon is elected on a promise that he has a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. The plan is so secret, another 20,000 GIs die before Nixon runs for re-election on a promise to really, really end the war for sure this time. By that time, his "plumbers" have been arrested for trying to wire the DNC offices in the Watergate complex, resulting in a cover-up so disgusting, and abuses of power so scary, the country actually elects Jimmy Carter in 1976. Despite this, he is the last progressive Republican, establishing the EPA as well as affirmative action.
* 1981-1989 - Ronald Reagan gets into office. At this point the Republicans change from a center-right party to neoconservatism with the introduction of trickle down economics. Gets credit for delayed effects of crappy Soviet economy, delayed effects of previous presidents, and for being rude to other world leaders. Illegally sells weapons to Iran, which are used several years later by present-day extremists. Spends 1/4 of all military defense money allotted during the Cold War when there was no point in doing so, and starts the 30-year trend of borrowing like a sailor without any regard for the consequences. Becomes principal deity to a new, cultish religion. Vetoes the 1987 highway bill because it included 121 earmarks and was $10 billion over the line he had drawn in the sand.
* 1994 - The Republican Party takes control of Congress as a result of complacency and corruption in the Democratic Party. Begins a fourteen-year era where the Republicans really screw things up and destroy any chance of power for dozens of years after a Democratic president and a new Democratic majority is elected in 2008. It took the Democratic Party 61 years to become fat and lazy, and it only took the Republicans 14.
* Timber! 2000 - The Republican Party elects a monkey, chiefly due to Al "Doom and Gloom" Gore stealing votes that should rightfully have gone to Buchanan and Nader, and voter fraud and suppression in Florida. Republicans ditch saner paleoconservative principals, and give way to big gub'ment ideas like defense spending, border control, and the exacerbation of the War on Drugs. Fiscal conservatism is put on the backburner.
* 2005 - Bush signs a $286.4 billion dollar highway bill passed by a GOP-controlled Congress, earmarking $24 billion for 6,376 pet projects. What line? What sand?
* 2007 - Bush presses for passage of John McCain's bill granting a path to citizenship for 20 million illegal immigrants. Only a grassroots effort by abandoned conservatives (who demand the border be locked down) dials back the GOP drive for amnesty.
* 2008 - As his presidency was winding down, Bush issued a series of executive orders with nasty environmental consequences.
* 2009 - People are counting down the days. 4... 3... 2... 1...
* 2010 - The Republicans begin their massive campaign of smears, fear-mongering and misinformation against the Democrats. The Teabaggers are spawned. The Republicans become the "Party of No" as they try everything they can to block important or useful legislation proposed by the [Democrats] socialists. Dispirited and disinterested liberals stay home as angry conservatives turn out to elect enough scary people to Congress to take control of the House.
* 2011 - Control of the House achieved, congressional Republicans relax and enjoy being able to prevent Obama from making any progress, simply by not passing anything for him to sign. Nation largely ignores this as attention is drawn to the train wreck that is the presidential campaign.
