"His", my first erotic poem

[EducatedOwl]

I'm not new to poetry, but I am new to erotic poetry, and I think what I'm the least confident about going into this is my capacity to turn people on. I've been writing songs and poetry for most of my life, so I feel pretty confident stringing rhyming words together, but I genuinely have no idea what anyone except anyone but I or my wife finds sexy.

Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/p/his-28

 

[bogusagain]

I'm not new to poetry, but I am new to erotic poetry, and I think what I'm the least confident about going into this is my capacity to turn people on. I've been writing songs and poetry for most of my life, so I feel pretty confident stringing rhyming words together, but I genuinely have no idea what anyone except anyone but I or my wife finds sexy.

Thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/p/his-28

First thing that struck me about reading your poem was you keep telling us what 'she feels' not what 'you feel'. What i would ask, how do you know she feels the way you claim she does? It would be a lot sexier illustrating (with metaphor) her reaction to what you are doing to her.

 

[twelveoone]

...so be honest
so be it...
it's perfect
...in so many ways
subject matter, a perfect turn off (personal taste, NBD)
physiological depth - we are dealing with a very tightly defined role, so that would seem not to apply, except, it is a role, it is a surface, I probably know the ending before I read it.
Technically, rather high order, extended horse metaphor gives away the surprise ending, viewed another way it is a perfect resolution
Some of the word choices are just a little too stock.
And totally disagree with bog on perspective. the title is "his"
If you are doing anything tricky with the metre, would love to see it illustrated as I don't trust any of the beat boys here.

So you just rode into town?

two things I like, it's not rhymin coups
and it's not another fucking bloody sonnet.

I am impressed, but with a question, are we breaking any new ground or riding over the same terrain?

Hi-ho, will trot over and give it a 5 (because for what it is, it is worth it), and note that it has been commented on.

But I am serious if you are doing anything tricky with the metre, would love to see it illustrated

 

[EducatedOwl]

...so be honest
so be it...
it's perfect
...in so many ways
subject matter, a perfect turn off (personal taste, NBD)
physiological depth - we are dealing with a very tightly defined role, so that would seem not to apply, except, it is a role, it is a surface, I probably know the ending before I read it.
Technically, rather high order, extended horse metaphor gives away the surprise ending, viewed another way it is a perfect resolution
Some of the word choices are just a little too stock.
And totally disagree with bog on perspective. the title is "his"
If you are doing anything tricky with the metre, would love to see it illustrated as I don't trust any of the beat boys here.

So you just rode into town?

two things I like, it's not rhymin coups
and it's not another fucking bloody sonnet.

I am impressed, but with a question, are we breaking any new ground or riding over the same terrain?

Hi-ho, will trot over and give it a 5 (because for what it is, it is worth it), and note that it has been commented on.

But I am serious if you are doing anything tricky with the metre, would love to see it illustrated

I did just ride into town. My wife encouraged me to try my hand at erotic subject matter in writing; we are both people who find words sexy, and I like to write.

This is a meter and a rhyme scheme I've messed with before. It's AAABCCCB: three lines of iambic pentameter followed by one line of iambic triameter, then repeat. I don't know of any other poets who write this way, but it seems unlikely that no one has ever used this setup before.

I'll try and illustrate, since you asked:


(1) She feels / (2) his gaze / (3) traverse / (4) her nak / (5) ed skin, (5 feet -- pentameter) A
Possessive, hungry as it drinks her in. A
It seems so right, and yet so like a sin, A
(1) To pose / (2) and feel / (3) him staring. (3 feet -- triameter) B
It’s this subordination she prefers, C
And when, at last, that first, soft touch occurs, C
It’s for his own enjoyment, not for hers, C
So beautifully uncaring. B

I hope this answers your question.

 

[twelveoone]

well welcome, it is an effective form (already 5ed it, can[t raise it)

next question all iambs? any subs? if so why? forgive me if I'm coming off as an inquisitor, but this interests me.

 

[EducatedOwl]

First thing that struck me about reading your poem was you keep telling us what 'she feels' not what 'you feel'. What i would ask, how do you know she feels the way you claim she does? It would be a lot sexier illustrating (with metaphor) her reaction to what you are doing to her.

I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how I, the writer, know her feelings, or how you, the reader, are supposed know her feelings?

The voice of the poem is limited third person, that is, it uses third person language ("he" and "she") but only sees from the female character's point of view. I tried to use lines like the ones quoted below to communicate her conflicting feelings of submission/helplessness and pleasure:

It seems so right, and yet so like a sin,

So beautifully uncaring.

She yields, resolved to slake him.

She’s strangely happy, bowed before him so

 

[EducatedOwl]

well welcome, it is an effective form (already 5ed it, can[t raise it)

next question all iambs? any subs? if so why? forgive me if I'm coming off as an inquisitor, but this interests me.

I'm not familiar with the jargon around here; what do you mean by "subs"?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'd have to go into the Thread of Forms and search to see if it is an actual form but if it's not you could always name your own ........ I did
Everyone knows I like to write in forms and I like yours although I question 'She writhes and bucks, lost in a reverie
Of punishment and pleasure' ........... when you're being ridden that hard reverie is the last place you're in

 

[EducatedOwl]

I confess that was a rather liberal use of the word reverie.

 

[twelveoone]

I'm not familiar with the jargon around here; what do you mean by "subs"?

my, mistake "subs" more often around here means submissives. In the context of your poem, I mean substitutions. Is this straight iambs, or are there any variations?

Now, I will be quite upfront with you, this is a genre that often is worked by a person known as "Sweet Oblivion" , your materiel looks like a software upgrade but with a different POV. That means nothing more that what I said. It is not "Stealing" or any other form of the word.

A few years ago, a person showed up, who seemed to want to show us how it was done, but was more interested in the show part. that person was probably someone who as been here awhile. Your name "EducatedOwl" has the same connotative feel to it - the epitome of knowledge and wisdom, so you are running into a very skeptical me.

Your form is nice, it fits the material.



Two further questions?
How do you feel about Kenneth Koch?

What is the difference between a piece of quartz and a marble?

 

[EducatedOwl]

my, mistake "subs" more often around here means submissives. In the context of your poem, I mean substitutions. Is this straight iambs, or are there any variations?

I'm sure I cheat a bit here and there, but my goal was to keep the iambic rhythm going throughout.

Now, I will be quite upfront with you, this is a genre that often is worked by a person known as "Sweet Oblivion" , your materiel looks like a software upgrade but with a different POV. That means nothing more that what I said. It is not "Stealing" or any other form of the word.

A few years ago, a person showed up, who seemed to want to show us how it was done, but was more interested in the show part. that person was probably someone who as been here awhile. Your name "EducatedOwl" has the same connotative feel to it - the epitome of knowledge and wisdom, so you are running into a very skeptical me.

I'm not familiar with Sweet Oblivion's work, but I hope that once I get some more work submitted I'll establish enough of my own style to put any skepticism to rest.

In reference specifically to the screen name, I like owls, so all of my online names are somehow related to owls (if you look at the blog linked to in my sig, you'll see the Google account that runs that blog also has an owl name); this particular screen name is a reference to the Disney movie The Sword in the Stone, and my avatar will reflect that once it is approved.

Your form is nice, it fits the material.

Thank you.

Two further questions?
How do you feel about Kenneth Koch?

I'm no expert, but I've read a few of his poems. I like that he is able to be positive/comical and lyrically deep at the same time; that's not easy. Also, he, like me, is from Cincinnati, so that gets him bonus points in my book.

What is the difference between a piece of quartz and a marble?

A marble is made of glass, right? I'm no geologist.

 

[twelveoone]

I'm sure I cheat a bit here and there, but my goal was to keep the iambic rhythm going throughout.



I'm no expert,

A marble is made of glass, right? I'm no geologist.

Why?
Iambic rhythm is not quite the same as strict iambs.
If that is so, why post here, this is not exactly a neo-formalist stronghold.

The quartz and the marble? Consider the first Why? One misses what the other has?

There was a bit of confusion in the past regarding the difference between expert and expertise. I see the expertise, I recognize no expert.

We'll get along fine, I hope.
"Socrates tells us that the only true wisdom is the recognition of one's own ignorance."
I'm sure we will.

That was a neat form, consider this an invite, a question even, if you want to expand upon it, why did you develop it, what do you think it is doing?

 

[EducatedOwl]

Why?
Iambic rhythm is not quite the same as strict iambs.
If that is so, why post here, this is not exactly a neo-formalist stronghold.

I think the closer I stick to form, the easier it is for the reader (who can't hear what is in my head) to follow the rhythm. When I'm writing music, I play a lot more fast-and-loose with the rhythm, because I have a guitar keeping time for everyone to hear.

The quartz and the marble? Consider the first Why? One misses what the other has?

Is this a reference to something? I feel like I'm missing something here.

There was a bit of confusion in the past regarding the difference between expert and expertise. I see the expertise, I recognize no expert.

We'll get along fine, I hope.
"Socrates tells us that the only true wisdom is the recognition of one's own ignorance."
I'm sure we will.

Glad you think so. I think so too.

That was a neat form, consider this an invite, a question even, if you want to expand upon it, why did you develop it, what do you think it is doing?

Honestly, that form is little more than a response to boredom with tried forms and an attempt not to sound like everyone else.

 

[Angeline]

I think the closer I stick to form, the easier it is for the reader (who can't hear what is in my head) to follow the rhythm. When I'm writing music, I play a lot more fast-and-loose with the rhythm, because I have a guitar keeping time for everyone to hear.


Is this a reference to something? I feel like I'm missing something here.


Glad you think so. I think so too.


Honestly, that form is little more than a response to boredom with tried forms and an attempt not to sound like everyone else.

We have an interview starting soon here on the forum with a poet who writes a lot of traditional forms. I hope you stick around as I think it will generate a lot of questions and conversation about the value of form poetry. As you may have noticed there's a range of opinion here.

 

[twelveoone]

Honestly, that form is little more than a response to boredom with tried forms and an attempt not to sound like everyone else.

like this answer, if I wasn't me, and he wasn't he, we would be the same
the quartz and the marble, many answers, one rough, one smooth; one natural, one manufactured
almost like T.S. Eliot's
"Reflections on Vers Libre"
reduced to a two rock koan
I don't advocate you should follow, only consider what is missing.

 

[EducatedOwl]

We have an interview starting soon here on the forum with a poet who writes a lot of traditional forms. I hope you stick around as I think it will generate a lot of questions and conversation about the value of form poetry. As you may have noticed there's a range of opinion here.

Ooh, sounds neat. Is there an announcement thread somewhere about this with date/time?