Hi

[VanillaXtasy]

Since I dont really get much feedback from many readers. I would like to know what people think of my stories. PLease be open and honest. Positive or negative comments appreciated. Thank you for your time and hope something popped up and maybe exploded while reading them

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Please add a link to your stories for the lazy people like me who don't want to go hunting.

Wicked

 

[Chicklet]

for the lazy people (i'm such a sweet-heart)

 

[Chicklet]

My Submissive Summer

Okay, 1st off I'm not an interracial fan - I have no problems with interracial, I just usually don't go looking for that category. So, I opened up "Submissive Summer" since I *am* into D/s. Whatever floats your boat, right?

Throughout your story I noticed a few things. For one, you seem to be writing the wrong words in places - probably your fingers are too excited and you miss a letter, but the word is still a real word so spell-check doesn't say anything to you. Also, one of my pet peeves, you don't write the dialogue as dialogue. I'll show you what I mean later down.

Starting in the first paragraph:

I knew the say once you go black, you never go back was true.

"the say"?? This doesn't work. You're looking for "The Saying" or else "They Say" - since later you say "was true" as in singular, I assumed you meant "The Saying" since "Was true" needed to work.

It should read as:

I knew the saying 'once you go black, you never go back' was true.

I also added quotation marks (well, apostrophes actually) since it's a quote of sorts.

I attempted to have relationships with white guys at my school but never lived up to the expectations that I had while fucking black men.

What never lived up? There's a word missing - this paragraph doesn't make any sense as is. You need to add "they." Also, I didn't feel that this paragraph made sense even like that...I would say something more like:

I attempted to have relationships with white guys at my school, but they never lived up to the expectations I had gained from fucking black men.

See what I changed? I added how she got those expectations. I think that that makes it read better.

Second paragraph.

The owner told me that a few of the schools athletes lived in the building and they tend to get a little wild and crazy. I told him I did not mind. Therefore, I signed the lease and wrote a check out for the summer rent. He tossed me the keys and told me that you can move in anytime and if you need some help moving call me.

This paragraph should be dialogue. It has three things said back and forth between two people, along with other mistakes...

later on...

I stumbled out the word, But….

Ron asked, what do u want?

I said, I want you to fuck me.

Okay, this is dialogue between two people. Why isn't it written as such? Also, the u is very, very bad.

The above quote should look more like this:

I stumbled out the word, "But…"

"What do you want?" Ron asked.

"I want you to fuck me," I said.

Okay, here's what I suggest. The same types of mistakes are made all through your story. Go back and try to read it aloud to yourself - you would be amazed at the things you'll be able to fix just by trying to say it to yourself. If you stumble, or if you wonder, change it until it is good english. You'll know it's good cause you'll be able to understand it. If your score and feedback are suffering, there's your reason.

Good luck!

-Chicklet