Hi, I'm new here...

[anonamouse]

wonderin' if you can give me suggestions on this

dedicated to those that don’t leave names

Standing with my hands in my pocket
outside of Hooper's luncheonette
fumbling for the matches
for my remaining cigarette

Ole man Hooper's got bone cancer
I feel sorry for him
his brother owes the funeral home
Well at least he knows he'll get
nice burial, nice tombstone

and where the fuck's the Penguin been
haven't seen him around
he owes me money, man
hope, I don't have to hunt him down

Oh, yeah
and it starts rainin', a sputtering sort of rain
don't know why it even bothers round here
nothin ever washes away
air never becomes clear

Well,
here comes the Penguin now, water rolls off of him
a smile with tales of sorrow
great, at least I will get, half of what he owes me
and promises, tomorrow

Shit,
I’ll see his greasy ass
curled up in the gutter someday
the rain won’t wash him away

Oh, happy day!
the sun comes out with angled shadows
of nothing at all, and silence
and echoes of emptiness

And
I feel like the last man alive
staring off into the sunset
with a handful of memories
all of which, I'd rather forget

I can take criticism

 

[Angeline]

wonderin' if you can give me suggestions on this

dedicated to those that don’t leave names

Standing with my hands in my pocket
outside of Hooper's luncheonette
fumbling for the matches
for my remaining cigarette

Ole man Hooper's got bone cancer
I feel sorry for him
his brother owes the funeral home
Well at least he knows he'll get
nice burial, nice tombstone

and where the fuck's the Penguin been
haven't seen him around
he owes me money, man
hope, I don't have to hunt him down

Oh, yeah
and it starts rainin', a sputtering sort of rain
don't know why it even bothers round here
nothin ever washes away
air never becomes clear

Well,
here comes the Penguin now, water rolls off of him
a smile with tales of sorrow
great, at least I will get, half of what he owes me
and promises, tomorrow

Shit,
I’ll see his greasy ass
curled up in the gutter someday
the rain won’t wash him away

Oh, happy day!
the sun comes out with angled shadows
of nothing at all, and silence
and echoes of emptiness

And
I feel like the last man alive
staring off into the sunset
with a handful of memories
all of which, I'd rather forget

I can take criticism

Hello and welcome to the poetry forum. I'm still kind of sleepy, so I can't comment much on your poem yet other than to say that I like it, it sounds almost like a lyric to me. I'll be more cogent later when I'm more awake, but I did want to say hello.


Ange

 

[WickedEve]

Hi
Great story in this poem. It's nice to read something interesting.

 

[Maria2394]

hi and welcome to Lit forum

I liked your story poem..a question? when you said his brother "owes" the funeral home, did you mean "own"? that would seem more accurate, lol..

my cousin owns a funeral home but when my momand dad died he was like a vulture waiting with the bill before the caskets were closed, they arent big on giving..

anyway, youre off to a good start with your poem, tweak it a bit, maybe weed out a tiny bit of the sarcasm, but some sarcasm is always good, read it out loud, that always helps and when you're ready, submit it for everyone to read that might not see it on this thread

good luck, and have fun
maria

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Howdy

Cute poem

and cuter name...<grin>

welcome and look forward to more poems by the
anonamouse...

Art~

 

[anonamouse]

Re: Re: Hi, I'm new here...

Hello and welcome to the poetry forum. I'm still kind of sleepy, so I can't comment much on your poem yet other than to say that I like it, it sounds almost like a lyric to me. I'll be more cogent later when I'm more awake, but I did want to say hello.


Ange

Thank you Ma'am, thank you very much, I guess it is becoming a lyric, soon as I put music to it.

 

[anonamouse]

Hi
Great story in this poem. It's nice to read something interesting.

Thank you Ma'am, thank you very much, glad it held your interest.

 

[anonamouse]

hi and welcome to Lit forum

I liked your story poem..a question? when you said his brother "owes" the funeral home, did you mean "own"? that would seem more accurate, lol..

my cousin owns a funeral home but when my momand dad died he was like a vulture waiting with the bill before the caskets were closed, they arent big on giving..

anyway, youre off to a good start with your poem, tweak it a bit, maybe weed out a tiny bit of the sarcasm, but some sarcasm is always good, read it out loud, that always helps and when you're ready, submit it for everyone to read that might not see it on this thread

good luck, and have fun
maria

Thank you Ma'am, thank you very much
Sorry, 'bout the owes, sorry to hear your about your cousin
I did do a mite of weeding of the sarcasm, and cynicism, but I was afraid of makin' it too cute.

 

[anonamouse]

Re: Howdy

Cute poem

and cuter name...<grin>

welcome and look forward to more poems by the
anonamouse...

Art~

Thank you, thank you very much
Well, I guess Penguins can be cute in a greasy sort of way.

 

[LilDarlin]

Hello..Think I saw this poem already posted. So I know I am way late with giving you any advice.~lol
I did post a comment when I read it..I remeber it is differ from
what you have posted here. I liked it, and aslo can see the differ. So I think your work is done on this one. (sorrry about bein late to read it.)

So I guess all that is left is to say:

WELCOME~from one newbie to another, you will find (I think) that there are a lotta great people here. Always willing to help..So have fun and keep them poems/stories comin'


LilDarlin~

 

[anonamouse]

Ah, my first post, memories...

 

[annaswirls]

damn! sorry I did not give you any suggestions on the poem! I feel horrible. I am glad you stuck around anyway

you are so cute
bone cancer is not cute.

is this the same Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street?

 

[TheRainMan]

Ah, my first post, memories...

feeling a bit nostagiac today, mouse?


ahhh . . . the good ol' days.

 

[anonamouse]

damn! sorry I did not give you any suggestions on the poem! I feel horrible. I am glad you stuck around anyway

you are so cute
bone cancer is not cute.

is this the same Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street?

Edward Hooper, different street

 

[flyguy69]

I'm having a hard time reconciling

Hi, I'm new here...

from November 2004, with

twelveoone
Geht für das Gold

[image]


twelveoone is Offline
Join Date: Mar 2004

Did you deceive the community, here?