I am happily married, and he is a great lover, but I do like some 'play' that he does not. I like playing the part of a sub and I want him to play the Dom part, but he just doesn't get into it. He will tie me up occasionally---I love that part, and I've talked him into spanking me, BUT he will only give me a few swats and he stops, he is afraid he will hurt me. I told him that we have a 'safe word' and if the pain gets to be too much I'll use it. But he always stops after a few swats, he says that my butt was getting too red. This drives me crazy because I'm dying for a good hard spanking. Is there anyway I can get him into being more of a Dom with me?
Hi I'm new and I have a question
- Thread starter tinybear
- Start date
Hi, Tinybear. I sympathize with you; I am in a similar situation at present, and I've been closer to where you are in the past. My hunny is not naturally dominant, and so when I get in sub space, he is sometimes unprepared to deal with it.
The best advice I can give you is to communicate as often and as thoroughly as possible. Describe your fantasies in-depth, as well as WHY these things arouse you. Tell him how much you trust him, how much you trust that he won't hurt you beyond what you enjoy. About a year ago, I wanted to do a staged rape with hunny. He couldn't bring himself to do it for several months because he didn't want to associate himself with that sort of character. Eventually he saw that it was an act, performed mostly for my pleasure, and he relaxed enough to do it.
Emphasize that this is essentially focused around you and your arousal. If he enjoys it, that's terrific. But let him know how much you want this. Role-play is also good; it kind of conceals whatever inhibitions either of you may have because it isn't really you. A good spanking fantasy is "naughty schoolgirl, strict tutor." If he gets into it, hopefully he'll give you as many swats as you crave.
This obviously takes time, as well as talking, but it is possible. If you need any more help, PM me and I'll be there. Best of luck.
The best advice I can give you is to communicate as often and as thoroughly as possible. Describe your fantasies in-depth, as well as WHY these things arouse you. Tell him how much you trust him, how much you trust that he won't hurt you beyond what you enjoy. About a year ago, I wanted to do a staged rape with hunny. He couldn't bring himself to do it for several months because he didn't want to associate himself with that sort of character. Eventually he saw that it was an act, performed mostly for my pleasure, and he relaxed enough to do it.
Emphasize that this is essentially focused around you and your arousal. If he enjoys it, that's terrific. But let him know how much you want this. Role-play is also good; it kind of conceals whatever inhibitions either of you may have because it isn't really you. A good spanking fantasy is "naughty schoolgirl, strict tutor." If he gets into it, hopefully he'll give you as many swats as you crave.
This obviously takes time, as well as talking, but it is possible. If you need any more help, PM me and I'll be there. Best of luck.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Gods, i feel like i've written fifty million words on this over the last almost-year. It's sad, really, that so many of us are so terribly mismatched with respect to our sexuality within what should be our primary love relationships. It's uplifting, too, how many are trying hard to work toward a common ground, a place where both partners can have their needs met.
Here are some older BDSM Forum threads wherein we've discussed this. Please read these. They may not all contain info that will be of help to you, but they all contain good info. After you've read them, please ask more questions. Asking is good.
And welcome, tinybear, to Lit's BDSM Forum.
cym
Sexually Incapatibility, or What can I do if he bores me?
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69638&highlight=submissive
i need advice
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?
s=&threadid=73991&highlight=submissive
Pitfalls to avoid
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=75586&highlight=submissive
Advice for a developing Dom
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81087&highlight=submissive
Here are some older BDSM Forum threads wherein we've discussed this. Please read these. They may not all contain info that will be of help to you, but they all contain good info. After you've read them, please ask more questions. Asking is good.
And welcome, tinybear, to Lit's BDSM Forum.
cym
Sexually Incapatibility, or What can I do if he bores me?
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69638&highlight=submissive
i need advice
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?
s=&threadid=73991&highlight=submissive
Pitfalls to avoid
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=75586&highlight=submissive
Advice for a developing Dom
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81087&highlight=submissive
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
cym probably can write a book on this.
A person is either a sub or not, a Dom or not. There are a lot of us out here who are dominant in personality. We take the lead or try to, we're in charge. That does not make us BDSM Doms. It takes a very special kind of person to do that.
To some of us the thought of hurting someone we love-- even if they love it and says it's not "hurt"-- is revolting. Abhorrent. If you've got them, do you enjoy spanking or disciplining your children or pets? You know they need the discipline, but you hate giving it. He knows you want the discipline, but I bet he hates giving it.
There's a difference between "uninterested" and "abhorrent."
You should, rather than start here, start with him. Talk to him about who you are and what you need. Find out if there's a way for him to provide it or if he's even willing to try. You will have to explain in ways that he can understand what the entire sub/Dom relationship is about and what it's like.
It takes a lot of mental balance to hit someone you love. Hitting is how you show someone that you don't like them, don't want them, perhaps hate them. Hitting a loved one is something the average man cannot do. Some are good Doms and some are evil abusers. The rest are Nilla.
Think of it in these terms as well, for you to ask him to become a Dom is like him asking you to become completely nilla, only more difficult because Nilla is mainstream and BDSM is counterculture and carries a negative connotation with it.
In the long run, the only thing you can do is have long and honest discussions about yourself with him. Trust is the most intrinsic thing in a sub/Dom relationship. Start there.
A person is either a sub or not, a Dom or not. There are a lot of us out here who are dominant in personality. We take the lead or try to, we're in charge. That does not make us BDSM Doms. It takes a very special kind of person to do that.
To some of us the thought of hurting someone we love-- even if they love it and says it's not "hurt"-- is revolting. Abhorrent. If you've got them, do you enjoy spanking or disciplining your children or pets? You know they need the discipline, but you hate giving it. He knows you want the discipline, but I bet he hates giving it.
There's a difference between "uninterested" and "abhorrent."
You should, rather than start here, start with him. Talk to him about who you are and what you need. Find out if there's a way for him to provide it or if he's even willing to try. You will have to explain in ways that he can understand what the entire sub/Dom relationship is about and what it's like.
It takes a lot of mental balance to hit someone you love. Hitting is how you show someone that you don't like them, don't want them, perhaps hate them. Hitting a loved one is something the average man cannot do. Some are good Doms and some are evil abusers. The rest are Nilla.
Think of it in these terms as well, for you to ask him to become a Dom is like him asking you to become completely nilla, only more difficult because Nilla is mainstream and BDSM is counterculture and carries a negative connotation with it.
In the long run, the only thing you can do is have long and honest discussions about yourself with him. Trust is the most intrinsic thing in a sub/Dom relationship. Start there.
morninggirl5
Secret Dream Machine
- Joined
- May 6, 2001
- Posts
- 10,647
Here are links to two articles that i found recently looking for some similar type info. Good luck.
http://www.fetishclub.com/exchange/spouse.shtml
http://www.fetishclub.com/exchange/dontwant.shtml
http://www.fetishclub.com/exchange/spouse.shtml
http://www.fetishclub.com/exchange/dontwant.shtml
Rooster
Morally Compromised
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Posts
- 3,098
My wife/sub asked and hinted for a long time for us to start in the lifesyle ... It took me a while to warm up to the idea ... after a lot of reading and us talkin' about it .... our marriage has never been better ... I fell SOOOO much better about myself and our relationship ... No doubt .. we are still VERY new at it .. and slowly trying new things.
BlondGirl
Aim for the Bullseye ; )
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2000
- Posts
- 2,092
Have you considered other variations of play?
Nipple clamps, for example. You can pick the ones you like and he can put them on. You are capable of removing them and he knows that he is not "hurting you" this way.
Tried a blindfold?
Search out some of the scenarios-the coin trick is a old time fave.
(Sorry, my sleepy head won't let me think of any more examples currently.)
Nipple clamps, for example. You can pick the ones you like and he can put them on. You are capable of removing them and he knows that he is not "hurting you" this way.
Tried a blindfold?
Search out some of the scenarios-the coin trick is a old time fave.
(Sorry, my sleepy head won't let me think of any more examples currently.)
Richard49
The Gentleman Dom
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2002
- Posts
- 14,176
I do not know if what I am about to post will help. So why the hell am I posting it? I don't know.
I am a Dom and have always been. So I have never been where you are. I have been on the other side.
In my life as a Dom I have sepnt most of it finding women that not only have no experence but would deny that they are a sub.
I saw something else....I saw a sub....I have teasingly been told I have sub radar.........
I started with small things....before I go further I have to warn that this approach elimates certain behavor as ounishment because the sub learns them as pleasure......
I start with small swats on the ass...sometimes well have sex......
getting a little rough with nipples....etc.
I also use verbal tones and words........explore there fantasies with them and make them come true......
The process slowly pushes the envelope.......
Well here is the post for what it is worth
I am a Dom and have always been. So I have never been where you are. I have been on the other side.
In my life as a Dom I have sepnt most of it finding women that not only have no experence but would deny that they are a sub.
I saw something else....I saw a sub....I have teasingly been told I have sub radar.........
I started with small things....before I go further I have to warn that this approach elimates certain behavor as ounishment because the sub learns them as pleasure......
I start with small swats on the ass...sometimes well have sex......
getting a little rough with nipples....etc.
I also use verbal tones and words........explore there fantasies with them and make them come true......
The process slowly pushes the envelope.......
Well here is the post for what it is worth
PRIME-Patrick
Virgin
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 3
Time to Live
Talk is cheap... You've shown what you need... Response should be automatic, after your cards are on the table... We all must try to grow together as couples, but if basic chemestry is lacking we need ro move on. If you're madly in love, or have children... Perhaps find out if he wants to share your subjectation... It's all good baby! Sometimes both need a boss.
Talk is cheap... You've shown what you need... Response should be automatic, after your cards are on the table... We all must try to grow together as couples, but if basic chemestry is lacking we need ro move on. If you're madly in love, or have children... Perhaps find out if he wants to share your subjectation... It's all good baby! Sometimes both need a boss.
RisiaSkye
Artistic
- Joined
- May 1, 2000
- Posts
- 4,387
Re: Time to Live
Talk isn't cheap; talk is how we communicate what we want and need. If we didn't value talk, why would we bother to come to a forum like this? This PRIME person speaks for a minority opinion, I think.
Response is almost never immediate, even if it's something we really want. The unexamined life is a very dangerous thing. It's not wrong to take time. Life isn't instant gratification; in fact, isn't that the point of what we do: delayed gratification for more satisfying and spiritually fulfilling results?
You've said you're happily married, and he's a great lover. Now is when you decide how important these unmet desires are to you, and then you tell him, clearly, honestly, and completely all about it. Then you go from there. But, no matter how it works out, it won't happen immediately.
Please, don't take this to heart.PRIME-Patrick said:
Talk isn't cheap; talk is how we communicate what we want and need. If we didn't value talk, why would we bother to come to a forum like this? This PRIME person speaks for a minority opinion, I think.
Response is almost never immediate, even if it's something we really want. The unexamined life is a very dangerous thing. It's not wrong to take time. Life isn't instant gratification; in fact, isn't that the point of what we do: delayed gratification for more satisfying and spiritually fulfilling results?
You've said you're happily married, and he's a great lover. Now is when you decide how important these unmet desires are to you, and then you tell him, clearly, honestly, and completely all about it. Then you go from there. But, no matter how it works out, it won't happen immediately.
PRIME-Patrick
Virgin
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 3
"Minority Opinion"
It has been stated that I speak from a "minority opinion"... This is true... Mine is an opinion of one... Who among us claims to speak for others?... Is there some "majority opinion" here? I feel the important thing about our words or opinions is that keep in mind that ALL have the right to their own opinions and that we use our words to respect the opinions of others... We may not agree everytime, but I'll be the first to stand up for your right to disagree with me or ANYONE, whether your opinion is in the majority or minority!
It has been stated that I speak from a "minority opinion"... This is true... Mine is an opinion of one... Who among us claims to speak for others?... Is there some "majority opinion" here? I feel the important thing about our words or opinions is that keep in mind that ALL have the right to their own opinions and that we use our words to respect the opinions of others... We may not agree everytime, but I'll be the first to stand up for your right to disagree with me or ANYONE, whether your opinion is in the majority or minority!
Trainerman
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2002
- Posts
- 196
Talk cheap??
Well, sometimes. It is certainly cheap when used by armchair generals who like the sound of their own voice, care not for the fact that they are ignorant of the subject, nor of the effects of those words on those who hear them !!!!!
COMMUNICATION, on the other hand is vital. It is the first stepping stone to progress. If we cannot/do not communicate we can never start the processess of knowing and/or meeting another person and their tastes, point of view etc. Of course communication includes listening...something that armchair generals never do !!
So, tinybear...communicate. Help him to be comfortable. Might i suggest that a key part of that is to convince him that it is not that you want "this"....but that you want this WITH HIM. An important distinction, I think.
I hope it works out for you
Well, sometimes. It is certainly cheap when used by armchair generals who like the sound of their own voice, care not for the fact that they are ignorant of the subject, nor of the effects of those words on those who hear them !!!!!
COMMUNICATION, on the other hand is vital. It is the first stepping stone to progress. If we cannot/do not communicate we can never start the processess of knowing and/or meeting another person and their tastes, point of view etc. Of course communication includes listening...something that armchair generals never do !!
So, tinybear...communicate. Help him to be comfortable. Might i suggest that a key part of that is to convince him that it is not that you want "this"....but that you want this WITH HIM. An important distinction, I think.
I hope it works out for you
PRIME-Patrick
Virgin
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 3
Communication also can include READING... The orriginal posting states clearly that a good deal of talk had already occured... "I've talked him into spanking me, BUT he will only give me a few swats and he stops, he is afraid he will hurt me. I told him that we have a 'safe word' and if the pain gets to be too much I'll use it." So before some hippocrite accusses another of failing to "hear" and starts calling names, they should take care that they read before writing... I too hope it all works out well, but trying to change another individual can be frustrating for all involved.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
I can only echo Risia's commonsense statements regarding talk being the most important tool we have in our toolbox with which to connect with our partners. We have to talk, we have to listen, we have to give and be open and be flexible in our thinking for a common reality to be forged between us and anyone, particularly between us and the one who holds our heart.PRIME-Patrick said:
At the same time, it's true that sometimes we cannot change our partners just because we want them to change. As Muff pointed out, asking "him to become Dom is like him asking you to become completely nilla, only more difficult".
We have no more right to ask our partners to be that which they cannot be then they do to ask us to deny a part of what we need to be fully realized sexual people. We have the right and the obligation to lay our hopes and dreams in thier hands and ask them to take part but we don't ever have the right to try to force them to be who they are not.
It's sad.
I'm currently leaving a 21 year marriage, mostly over sexual incompatibility. If anyone could have changed thier spouse just because they wanted to so badly, it would have been me. But he will never want to be what i need, i cannot give up being who i am, and so we are divorcing.
One needs what they need -and- one bends and changes and accepts to meet the needs of those they love. One does all this contortion to the extent they can do it and still remain true to themselves. At some point, though, you have to decide for yourself, regardless of the needs of anyone else in the world, if you can continue along as you are.
If the answer is yes, then you stay.
If the answer is no, then you go.
In all cases, though, you have no right to expect someone else to change to suit you unless you're doing the same amount of changing to suit them.
Sorry.
Richard49
The Gentleman Dom
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2002
- Posts
- 14,176
cymbidia said:
I'm currently leaving a 21 year marriage, mostly over sexual incompatibility. If anyone could have changed thier spouse just because they wanted to so badly, it would have been me. But he will never want to be what i need, i cannot give up being who i am, and so we are divorcing.
Since I have joined this online thing I have talked to so many females that have the sub desire but give it up cause "he" will not change or whatever. I know one exoerenced sub from this community that has recently moved into a nilla relationship.
They are so unfullfilled and unhappy ..... yet they think they must !!! Must what? Hell I am not sure.
I know in the ladt 8 months I tried nilla...forgetable.
We often in many ways edit out who we are to try and keep someone....only to loss ourselves.
BlondGirl
Aim for the Bullseye ; )
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2000
- Posts
- 2,092
Vanilla can still be good. And I know that for the right person, I would give up my kinks, if that person was truly a match in other ways. There is much, much more to my life than just my sexuality.
I don't make it a point to date vanilla guys and do try to avoid that altogether, but I am honestly interrested in the entire package, not just sexual inclinations. (As I hope my prospective partner would be with me.)
My current lover has difficulties with impotence. Whether this is related to a lack of attraction to me, physical difficulties, a side effect of his meds, or a combination of the above; it does not matter--the outcome is the same. Now I am on some meds that have killed my sex drive. I feel arousal, but barely and am not really interrested in participating in sexual activity at all. I will see my lover in 2 weeks, we will see how things go. I am guessing we will spend the weekend together platonically. (I am nervous about my sexual non-responsiveness. I would really hope to avoid even discussing that right now. With only a short 3 day weekend to enjoy each other's company, I want a minivacation with happiness and enjoying each other's company.)
I don't make it a point to date vanilla guys and do try to avoid that altogether, but I am honestly interrested in the entire package, not just sexual inclinations. (As I hope my prospective partner would be with me.)
My current lover has difficulties with impotence. Whether this is related to a lack of attraction to me, physical difficulties, a side effect of his meds, or a combination of the above; it does not matter--the outcome is the same. Now I am on some meds that have killed my sex drive. I feel arousal, but barely and am not really interrested in participating in sexual activity at all. I will see my lover in 2 weeks, we will see how things go. I am guessing we will spend the weekend together platonically. (I am nervous about my sexual non-responsiveness. I would really hope to avoid even discussing that right now. With only a short 3 day weekend to enjoy each other's company, I want a minivacation with happiness and enjoying each other's company.)
NemoAlia
Voracious
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2001
- Posts
- 1,434
Speaking of 'changing' someone...
I'm not certain that dom/sub sexuality is inherent in all kinky people. I believe that, to a certain extent, it can be learned -- or, with varying results, even assumed. I also believe that it can be so successfully repressed that 'natural' kinksters might end up being more 'nilla than the naturally 'nilla crowd.
Not to digress from the thread at large, but: I know a person who admits to having dom inclinations, but his head will never let him act on them. He has strong moral objections even to consensual violence. I admit that I respect him for that, in the same way I would respect someone whose will was strong enough to overcome a natural 'nilla-ness in favor of acting according to a strong belief (like a desire to fulfill his/her partner).
May it's unreasonable to hope to change someone else. But in some cases (not all) I think it's possible --even honorable-- to change oneself in a way that blurs the distinction between one's 'natural' sexuality and the sexuality one creates.
Relevance? Perhaps none... I'm really just rambling here... I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes. I know how frustrating it can be to hope that someone will change and to be disappointed. For most people, their 'natural' sexuality is firmly ensconced in their psyches. However, the exceptions to these rule are... well... quite exceptional, and worth mentioning. Congratulations, tinybear, on finding one!
I'm not certain that dom/sub sexuality is inherent in all kinky people. I believe that, to a certain extent, it can be learned -- or, with varying results, even assumed. I also believe that it can be so successfully repressed that 'natural' kinksters might end up being more 'nilla than the naturally 'nilla crowd.
Not to digress from the thread at large, but: I know a person who admits to having dom inclinations, but his head will never let him act on them. He has strong moral objections even to consensual violence. I admit that I respect him for that, in the same way I would respect someone whose will was strong enough to overcome a natural 'nilla-ness in favor of acting according to a strong belief (like a desire to fulfill his/her partner).
May it's unreasonable to hope to change someone else. But in some cases (not all) I think it's possible --even honorable-- to change oneself in a way that blurs the distinction between one's 'natural' sexuality and the sexuality one creates.
Relevance? Perhaps none... I'm really just rambling here... I hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes. I know how frustrating it can be to hope that someone will change and to be disappointed. For most people, their 'natural' sexuality is firmly ensconced in their psyches. However, the exceptions to these rule are... well... quite exceptional, and worth mentioning. Congratulations, tinybear, on finding one!
DVS
A ghost from your dreams
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2002
- Posts
- 11,416
2 cents?
Talking is great. What other information would you expect from a writer's web site? But, talking isn't everything, for sure. The feeling has to be there. I am a Dom and have been all of my life. There is also a very small (very small) part of me that could switch, if the right woman was to come along. But, she hasn't done so, in nearly 50 years, so it is unlikely to happen.
Anyway, like I said, talk is great. But, the feelings must be there, and if they aren't, they aren't. Sure, they could be hidden deep inside, like my submissive self, and only with time will these feelings come out.
A man is brought up to not hit a woman, and any that do hit women are frowned upon by other men, as a rule. Although I am a Dom, I would never hit a woman with my fist, and never hit her in any way, above the neck. To do so, would make me sick to my stomach. If this is how your husband is feeling when he spanks you, you D/s life is going to be short.
But, talking it out, and letting him read stories you like, etc. would be a good start. Maybe viewing spanking movies together would give him more insite to the situation. Maybe it is inside him, but so far repressed, he doesn't even know it is there. If it is that far down inside him, it will take quite a while to bring to the surface.
Some sub women I know didn't even know of their submissive feelings until shown, after years of unhappy vanilla life.
It is all in your mind. It holds all sexual urges. If it is there, it will come out with time. If it isn't, no amount of talk or action will be of any benefit. That is, unless you are willing to do something for your lover just because she likes it. But, that can be an empty love.
But then, there could be a kink exchange, if you both have any secret desires.
Talking is great. What other information would you expect from a writer's web site? But, talking isn't everything, for sure. The feeling has to be there. I am a Dom and have been all of my life. There is also a very small (very small) part of me that could switch, if the right woman was to come along. But, she hasn't done so, in nearly 50 years, so it is unlikely to happen.
Anyway, like I said, talk is great. But, the feelings must be there, and if they aren't, they aren't. Sure, they could be hidden deep inside, like my submissive self, and only with time will these feelings come out.
A man is brought up to not hit a woman, and any that do hit women are frowned upon by other men, as a rule. Although I am a Dom, I would never hit a woman with my fist, and never hit her in any way, above the neck. To do so, would make me sick to my stomach. If this is how your husband is feeling when he spanks you, you D/s life is going to be short.
But, talking it out, and letting him read stories you like, etc. would be a good start. Maybe viewing spanking movies together would give him more insite to the situation. Maybe it is inside him, but so far repressed, he doesn't even know it is there. If it is that far down inside him, it will take quite a while to bring to the surface.
Some sub women I know didn't even know of their submissive feelings until shown, after years of unhappy vanilla life.
It is all in your mind. It holds all sexual urges. If it is there, it will come out with time. If it isn't, no amount of talk or action will be of any benefit. That is, unless you are willing to do something for your lover just because she likes it. But, that can be an empty love.
But then, there could be a kink exchange, if you both have any secret desires.
