Hi! I'm a new author who wants to have my Gay Male stories critiqued, please post!

[Cruel2BKind]

Hi, I'm Cruel2Bkind and I'm a new writer. I dont care if you have horrible things to say, but I want to get better at writing, so here are links to my five story arcs. The last three are halfway done.
http://www.literotica.com/s/poor-simon-ch-01
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-bottom-tier
http://www.literotica.com/s/shy-jared-ch-01
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-boy-from-the-sea-ch-01
http://www.literotica.com/s/the-new-world
Thank you!!

 

[Pure]

Please post to the queue thread so that we may organize responses.

Thanks

 

[Pure]

note

hi cruel,

not usually my genre, but it does have a psychological dimension, which i like. that could however be more illustrated.

it has a 'story of O' -ish plot and setting so far, complete with the rape by the attendant.

as another commenter noted, the 'kidnapped by man posing as great uncle' sounds a little contrived; and i can picture the fellow as a kind of comic book thug. i wonder if it's worth trying for a little plausibility. e.g. a nice great uncle who's comforting, it appears, but once in his car, igor subdues the boy.

within its genre, i think you're doing fine. watch the apostrophes
[twist it's way] . as far as psychological goes, a little more time on the effects of being taken by the doc, wouldn't hurt. also you don't really bring in that he's gay, and presumably has at least heard of these acts. so it might be worth mentioning the contrast experienced: maybe he had a vision of being taken anally, but this wasn't it. and yet it *was* hot.

perhaps too, if the dr. 'introduced' the lad to his cock, the contrast with the next guy's would be stronger. knit things together a bit. again, when the second fellow shows off the "ugly" thing, wouldn't the fellow compare to his past imaginings or even porn encounters?

anyway, seems like a good effort in the kidnapping-potboiler-stroke category. keep writing!

 

[Grimfalcon]

Hi,
Not my normal kind of thing either, but I figured I give what help I could in the form of an honest critique like you asked for. Just to let you know, I'm not knitpicking, just pointing some things out I noticed while reading it.

Overall a decent story with history and build up. I can see the psychological side of it as well, like Pure mentioned.

I noticed some issues with tense and punctuation right of the top, common mistakes for any new writer. I'm not perfect either, so that that with a grain of salt.

My mother had been killed instantly as a drunk driver careened into them.

This sentence stuck out to me at the beginning. Not sure if this is correct or not, but I would have written it like this:
"My mother had been killed instantly, when a drunk driver careened into them."
I had a bad habit of using 'as' a lot when it really didn't fit, so that's why I noticed it.

You also use the 'passive voice' instead of the 'active voice' on numerous occassions. i.e "As I sat up I moaned softly in humiliation."
How about this? "I sat up, moaning softely in humilation." Or something along those lines.

Make every word count and cut out the fluff. I had the same problem as well when i first started, and am still working on it. It just takes a lot of practice. You don't have to write in active voice all the time, sometimes it works better not to, but it's a bad ahabit to fall into when it isn't necessary.

"Water." I mewed. "Please."

Another example of a common punctuation habit you have in the above. Some one correct me on this if I'm wronge, but when describing the way that someone says something, you should have a comma before the tag.

i.e "Water," I mewed. "Please."

Hope all this helpes you to some degree, and remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Later,
Grim