Hi all

[LillyRoses]

Please give me feedback on my Novella Part One of Sabrina's Education . She is orphaned at 14 and graduates from her group home--taken in by a mysterious wealthy ward.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sabrinas-education-ch-01

 

[sydneysauer]

Excellent. Welll done!

 

[PacoFear]

Just a heads-up: Lit is pretty sticky about underage characters in erotic stories posted here.

Sooooooo, if Sabrina is eighteen as you took pains to point out at the second sentence, why is she living in a group home? And why was she assigned a child care worker?

 

[LillyRoses]

Sabrina's Education

I go into more detail re: her "adoption" in the text of the Second Chapter of the Story (not posted yet). She is 18 and in NYC (and other cities) 18 year olds are officially free to leave foster/group home care. However, as it is very hard for anyone to make it out on their own at 18 yrs in NYC (expensive town) and in other cities...group homes/foster care will allow certain teens to extend their care to 21 yrs particularly if they are enrolled in a school or job training programs==especially if they have no job or way to be independent. She is not officially adopted by this man. He takes her in as his voluntary ward. As the story unfolds will come to see why he is fascinated with Sabrina.

Please note: She is 18 when all sexual events happen. So no underage sex of any kind occurs in the book. Her erotic coupling is with another 18 yr old... No adult engages in sex with her in her teens.

Thanks for the heads up with literotica though. Literotica should realize that teens do have sex (it's all over television and film) and there really is not anything taboo about it. If they are going to have sex, we might as well show responsible sex in our writing and just be truthful about it. Really, there is a bit of hypocrisy there.

 

[_Lynn_]

I go into more detail re: her "adoption" in the text of the Second Chapter of the Story (not posted yet). She is 18 and in NYC (and other cities) 18 year olds are officially free to leave foster/group home care. However, as it is very hard for anyone to make it out on their own at 18 yrs in NYC (expensive town) and in other cities...group homes/foster care will allow certain teens to extend their care to 21 yrs particularly if they are enrolled in a school or job training programs==especially if they have no job or way to be independent. She is not officially adopted by this man. He takes her in as his voluntary ward. As the story unfolds will come to see why he is fascinated with Sabrina.

Please note: She is 18 when all sexual events happen. So no underage sex of any kind occurs in the book. Her erotic coupling is with another 18 yr old... No adult engages in sex with her in her teens.

Thanks for the heads up with literotica though. Literotica should realize that teens do have sex (it's all over television and film) and there really is not anything taboo about it. If they are going to have sex, we might as well show responsible sex in our writing and just be truthful about it. Really, there is a bit of hypocrisy there.

Lit has rules. If anyone has a problem with them, they can choose to post their stories elsewhere. What happens in the real world isn't the point. Following the parameters set by the site owners is the point. Really, it's that simple.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks for the heads up with literotica though. Literotica should realize that teens do have sex (it's all over television and film) and there really is not anything taboo about it. If they are going to have sex, we might as well show responsible sex in our writing and just be truthful about it. Really, there is a bit of hypocrisy there.

MistressLynn is right. This is not about the real world and has nothing to do with hypocrisy. Lit has very few rules on content, and one just happens to be no underage -- that is, under 18 years old -- sex.

 

[Brandie69]

Yes, there are still some prosecutors around the country who still think that writing about any kind of under-age sex is a crime. I'm not for a minute saying I agree with that in every possible situation, but that's the way it is right now. (If you don't believe me, Google it. I think I saw a news headline about one of those prosecutions just the other day.)

Defending against even baseless federal criminal prosecutions is a hassle I don't need, and you probably don't either. And answering federal grand jury subpoenas is a hassle that Laurel and Manu can do without, I'm sure.

So we all learn to live in the wonderful world of 18-year-old virgins. (Actually, it's not quite that bad. Somewhere on the site, Laurel admits that they would accept brief, non-erotic passing mentions of the sort "I lost my virginity at age 16.")

Still, if anyone needs a handy plot device to, let's say, have an 18-year-old under the supervision of a guardian, here's one: where I live, if you are adjudicated a juvenile delinquent for any reason (shoplifting, running away from home, hell, losing virginity) before turning 18, you could still be subject to guardianship until you turn 21.

B

 

[fit2betied]

i DIDNT SEE ANY ISSUES WITH THE AGE. She established early on that Sabrina is 18 and that she was leaving the group home. She never talks about her at any other age or stage of her time in the group home.
Hate to feel that I have to come to the aid of another writer for something so clearly stated.
Now for the story, I enjoyed it very much, but You started with her in front of a mansion and jumped into a memory phase that took way to long to build and I forgot where she was. See my other post foir further feedback. Would enjoy more from Sabrina's world.

 

[LillyRoses]

Thanks

@fittobetied

Second chapter is coming up and should prove to be interesting! More on the mansion and her ward in Chapter 2.

 

[LillyRoses]

YEAH. I don't see what the problem is.

My Story SABRINA'S EDUCATION-WAS APPROVED.

THERE IS NO UNDERAGE SEX IN MY STORY..

PLEASE LEARN TO READ MY POSTS BEFORE YOU JUDGE THEM.

THAT IS POLITE AND ALL I ASK. AND I STAND BY WHAT I SAY ABOUT GUARDIANSHIP WHICH DOES BEGIN AT 18 IN CERTAIN STATES.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING LUMPED INTO A DISCUSSION RE: UNDERAGE SEX THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STORY.

 

[LillyRoses]

Please Read My Reply.

There Is No Underage Sex In My Story.

My Story "sabrina's Education" Was Approved By This Site.

Guardianship Can Begin At 18 In Certain Cities And Continues Until 21 Years Of Age Or When A Child Feels They Can Begin To Be On Their Own (without Criminal Charges). Guardianship Can Be Extended For A Work Or School Type Program Until The Child Completes The Program If He Or She Wants. I Worked In Social Services And Know That For A Fact.

Please Read Or Do Your Research Before You Jump On Immediate Judgments. Don't Lump Me In With Underage Sex Comments.

And I Stand By What I Say. It Is On Tv And It Is In Movies...whatever The Reasons For Lit Not Allowing It... So Be It.

 

[LillyRoses]

Really? My story Sabrina's Education was published on here.

There is no underage sex in my story.

You are not an owner of the site.

Read before you write and shut up and listen for a change. That would be nice--especially when you are slandering my words.

Thanks.

 

[LillyRoses]

Brandie:

If you friggin bothered to read my story: you would see that my character is under guardianship at 18 and my post says that children can extend state guardianship until 21 for a job/vocational/educational program.

I thought people were here to actually READ THE STORIES not judge them before they bother to focus and take the time to read.

But thanks anyway for nothing.

Enough already.

 

[sr71plt]

Thanks for the heads up with literotica though. Literotica should realize that teens do have sex (it's all over television and film) and there really is not anything taboo about it. If they are going to have sex, we might as well show responsible sex in our writing and just be truthful about it. Really, there is a bit of hypocrisy there.

You launched into the discussion of posting stories here with sex under 18 yourself, LR. If you had just explained to PacoFear how she could do what he was questioning at 18, there likely would not have been a discussion of underage posting here. What I quoted above is what set that off.

So, the "enough already" probably should be a note to yourself.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So we all learn to live in the wonderful world of 18-year-old virgins. (Actually, it's not quite that bad. Somewhere on the site, Laurel admits that they would accept brief, non-erotic passing mentions of the sort "I lost my virginity at age 16.")

They do, although "admits" seems unnecessarily loaded to me.

One of my characters mentions that her grandmother sat her down on her fourteenth birthday and had The Talk about safe sex, because grandma had been an adventurous young lady, got pregnant at 15 or 16, and didn't want her grand-daughter repeating that mistake. Went through without a peep from the mods.

 

[LillyRoses]

You launched into the discussion of posting stories here with sex under 18 yourself, LR. If you had just explained to PacoFear how she could do what he was questioning at 18, there likely would not have been a discussion of underage posting here. What I quoted above is what set that off.

So, the "enough already" probably should be a note to yourself.

Pacofear was asking if Sabrina was under 18 and how she was in a group home at 18 without reading my story. Maybe you should read better.

I explained how cities extend service age to 21 for some foster children who may need it.

Sabrina is in the Group Home for only part of the story. If any of you had taken the time out to read the actual story you would have seen that.

The comment about underage sex was just an aside...not the crux of the conversation. Literotica has their rules and I perfectly understand that.

AGAIN: It would be nice if people actually READ the stories here that is what this thread is supposed to be about. The aside was not what my story is about.

 

[PacoFear]

Lilly,

Sooooooo, if Sabrina is eighteen as you took pains to point out at the second sentence, why is she living in a group home? And why was she assigned a child care worker?

The peril of deploying the Socratic method is that everyone assumes the guy asking questions was doing it to be a jerk; I wasn't.

@LillyRoses: I'll be more direct. If your honest intent is to present Sabrina as an adult ward of the state, I think you might want to consider tweaking a couple of things early on.

I knew that I was 18 and lucky to be out of the group home at my age, since I was no longer cute or young enough to be considered adoptable to most people.

I don't believe Sabrina would think she's "lucky" to be out of the group home at the age of majority. More importantly, Sabrina is neither "adoptable" nor--per your outline of the impending chapter 2--technically being adopted. For these reasons, I think it would be a good idea to retool this sentence because, as it stands now, it only makes sense if I replace "18" with some number less than eighteen.

"You are very lucky to be placed with Mr. Smith," the prim and proper child worker told me.

Likewise, "child worker" can easily become "social worker."

Hope this is more helpful,

-PF

@fit2betied: Thanks for the giggle. "Another writer." Hilarious.

 

[lovecraft68]

Pacofear was asking if Sabrina was under 18 and how she was in a group home at 18 without reading my story. Maybe you should read better.

I explained how cities extend service age to 21 for some foster children who may need it.

Sabrina is in the Group Home for only part of the story. If any of you had taken the time out to read the actual story you would have seen that.

The comment about underage sex was just an aside...not the crux of the conversation. Literotica has their rules and I perfectly understand that.

AGAIN: It would be nice if people actually READ the stories here that is what this thread is supposed to be about. The aside was not what my story is about.

Do yourself a favor and stop while you're behind.

Yes the site is full of hypocrisy as is evidenced by the plethora of under age stories that get through here because owner ship is too lazy to enforce their rules.

What they have instead are boot licking ass hats like Pilot who act as if he gets something from sticking up for someone who could care less if he posted here or not.

If your story contained no underage then good for you, keep doing what your doing and don;t get caught up in the fake rules this site claims they have.

They also claim not to accept full out rape stories, go search through the NON-CONSENT section and do report what you find.

Their lax with their rules which is fine they won;t bother you, but the ass kissers will, best to avoid them.

 

[LillyRoses]

Hey Pacofear:

I will be sure to check out your Pulitzer Prize stories on here and have a good laugh.

The solution to your having trouble with my story?

DON'T READ IT. (Oh wait! You didn't take much time to read it anyway.)

The rate of homeless teens in inner cities is astronomical. A young girl would be happy to be taken in by a wealthy ward on a voluntary basis.

That is the end of my commenting on this thread.

 

[PacoFear]

Pacofear was asking if Sabrina was under 18 and how she was in a group home at 18 without reading my story.

On my first read, I made it half of the way through, and clicked out because I got squicky over Sabrina's age. Yes, that is cleared up, kinda, later on, but I think it's better to settle those issues quickly in a story. It didn't help the dubious age assignment in the beginning that it was promptly followed by an erotic scene where Sabrina, the eighteen-year-old heroine, was taught how to masturbate.

 

[PacoFear]

Eh boy. Lilly, take a deep breath. I was actually trying to help.

The solution to your having trouble with my story?

DON'T READ IT. (Oh wait! You didn't take much time to read it anyway.)

I read your story because you asked us to. In fairness, I should have been up front in my initial post that I'd only read the first half of your story. My bad. As I said, I got squicky over her age and bailed out. I came to you with feedback directed to that issue.

The rate of homeless teens in inner cities is astronomical. A young girl would be happy to be taken in by a wealthy ward on a voluntary basis.

I don't think you're following what I'm saying. Let's try again. I pointed you to this sentence:

I knew that I was 18 and lucky to be out of the group home at my age, since I was no longer cute or young enough to be considered adoptable to most people.

What I don't get is how she would consider herself "lucky" to be out of the group home "at her age." Perhaps you were trying to say that she's grateful that she isn't stuck there for another three years until she's twenty-one? There's any number of clearer ways to say that and nothing more is said about it for another two Lit pages.

I'm harping on this sentence because it makes a ton more sense contextually if someone read it in a way that would run afoul of Lit's rules (BTW: I don't love this rule either). It might also turn off a few readers (and turn on others ).

"I knew that I was 14 and lucky to be out of the group home at my age, since I was no longer cute or young enough to be considered adoptable to most people."

See what I mean?

I will be sure to check out your Pulitzer Prize stories on here and have a good laugh.

Link is in my sig when you're ready. My stories definitely aren't Pulitzer. I do try to make 'em funny sometimes. I like 'em for the most part. Last I checked a few people here did too.

 

[sr71plt]

What they have instead are boot licking ass hats like Pilot who act as if he gets something from sticking up for someone who could care less if he posted here or not.

Knock it off, asshole. LR was both starting a yammer about underage being accepted at Literotica and knocking others for then discussing it. What you have posted is just your typical swiftboating of me.

 

[Brandie69]

Brandie:

If you friggin bothered to read my story: you would see that my character is under guardianship at 18 and my post says that children can extend state guardianship until 21 for a job/vocational/educational program.

I thought people were here to actually READ THE STORIES not judge them before they bother to focus and take the time to read.

But thanks anyway for nothing.

Enough already.

Well, then. Someone is having trouble recognizing their allies.

Chalk this up in the "no good deed goes unpunished" category.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Is one allowed to make a couple of comments on the actual story?

Lilly, I think there are some serious structual problems in ch. 1.

The opening with action in front of the mansion is good but you suddenly drop us, without explanation, to go into screeds of detailed backstory which would have made me click out normally.

The sex - given the intro for the sex scene with Jenna is neatly detailed but the emotion (love? embarrassment?) of Sabrina is a bit downplayed. The shift from the first paragraph to the detailed lesbian scene leaves us thinking Uh!. Would it be better to have Sabrina thinking back to the friend she's left behind as she stands before the mansion and describe the memories?

There is no tension as you give a series of unrelated cameos that don't really build a plot or create interreaction between characters. Saying you will do it in Ch.2 is a bit of a cop-out. The first chapter must draw us in and want to know what happens next.

I suspect you write from inside your head without thinking how we poor readers, in only 2 dimensions, understand the nuances.

You do need a copy-editor.

Just to repeat a few points that have been repeated ad nauseam on this forum;

- Your paragraphs are too long. On a backlit rolling screen it is difficult to read a paragraph more than 8 lines long.

- Dialogue. You must start a new paragraph every time there is a new speaker. You are bad at this.

- Your punctuaion of dialogue needs attention and your love of exotic dialogue tags is, for me, an irritant.

Please, only introduce backstory when essential and keep it terse.

On the 'Big Issue', you were clumsy, but correct, in the way you handled the underage issue. From the reaction of the graybeards here it might be advisable to put a disclaimer before your next post that, 'All characters are over 18'.

Yes! Romeo and Juliet were 14 when they had it off. Lolita was a juvenile. I know, strictly, that fiction about underage sex is not illegal but I understand both the caution and morals of the site in banning sexual interreactions below 18.

Just live with it. If you want to play in the sandpit, stick by the rules.