HEY Y'all!

[Bizkit_Writer]

Hey y'all I just submitted a poem that got approved! Please go read it!

 

[champagne1982]

Hey y'all I just submitted a poem that got approved! Please go read it!

Hi there! Congrats. I read your poem, and sent an email feedback as well.

There's some interesting phrasing that would be more powerful in your poem if you'd avoided some absolutes. In the very first line you tell us that:

"All my life I think of one thing".

Now if this were true, why, in the 3rd strophe, do you tell us:

"Then I think of all the things ..."?

It's a questioning series which leaves me wondering why you disdain the punctuation. I feel juvenile when I'm reading it, purely as a result of tumbling through all your thoughts without having a chance to answer each question, or even a chance to think about it. It's not very organized or lyrical or profound really. Although, you can be proud. You have a poem! Which means you've taken one of the hardest steps there is, you wrote it and SHARED it. Thankyou.

 

[champagne1982]

I said "strophe"

 

[Guest]

I said "strophe"

Uh-oh

*looks for Ange*


edited to add - Bizkit, I left you a PC. You did good.