Hey Everyone

[Caitlin Anise]

Hey everyone, I'm Caitlin. I've been writing for a while but I've just recently started writing erotica. Any feedback you could give me would be so appreciated. I'll post my stories here, starting with the newest one. there are two. Thanks.


Caitlin

Shimmer
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146315

Road Trip chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=135254

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jeez, darling. I tried to read "Shimmer" but it made my head hurt.

What's happeneing here? We're in a car with a girl named Jayna who has to pee but can't say so, someone named Kerry and someone named Paul and someone's dad. Or is Kerry Paul's Dad? Or is Paul Kerry's dad? And who was the alcoholic? Paul or Kerry or dad?

Wait a minute! Kerry's a woman and Paul's dad stopped drinking because of her. Now Gabe comes along. Who's Gabe? What the hell is going on?

Really, my head was swimming by the end of the second paragraph and I couldn't tell what was what.

Part of the problem is that you don't paragraph very well. New subject or new speaker: new paragraph. That's the rule, and the rule is there to make things readable. There are numerous paragraphs where there are two people speaking in the same paragraph, and you've got at least 4 people doing something or thinking something in that second paragraph, and that's where I got totally lost.

It's tough to start a story with a bunch of people all present in the first scene, and you've got to establish their separate identitiies some way before you can start dealing with the complications of their relationship with each other. It doesn't help that you're in the habit of talking about two males in one paragraph and then going on talking about 'him". We don't know which "him" you're referring to.

Okay. I just went back and forced myself to read through that second paragraph. I'm still not sure what's going on, and unfortunately it doesn't seem to get any clearer as we go along. I take it that there are flashbacks mixed with the present? That's not always clear.

Sorry, love. It's just too bewildering for me.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read "Road Trip" too, and that one was very good, though I got worried at first when I saw four different people mentioned in the first couple of paragraphs. Maybe I'm just dense with names, but throw too many names at me and I get confused.

I don't know if the motivation behind the first kiss was entirely believable. (Why now? Why here? Because Taylor saw two girls kissing on the TV?) But once the negotiation started it seemed pretty realistic. The touch of curious humor was perfect.

You do dialog very well, but I think you really need to throw in an attributive every six lines or so so we can keep our bearings about who's saying what. There was this statrement in the middle of a conversation:

"You want to." Piper didn't have to look at Taylor to know that she was grinning.

Following Taylor's words with a description of what Piper was thinking in the same paragrpah really makes it look as though it was Piper who said that. It wasn't though; it was Taylor. It took me some effort to figure that out. If you'd prefaced Piper's next line with that sentence, it would have been clearer.

And I still think your paragraphs are too long once the sex starts. That seems to be common on Literotica: once the action starts, paragraphing goes out the window. It shouldn't. The same rules apply.

But really, it's a very nice story with sweet and sensual sex, and the girl's friendship and mutual regard really comes through. I hope you finish it.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I'm entirely in agreement with the Doctor here. In Road Trip the dialogue is very realistic, fragmentary as it would be with real friends, and sounds just like what they'd say. There are some lovely touches of description that enable you to see them moving around, and it never feels staged like a porn video. A bit more attribution of dialogue needed at some points. This one shows you can really write, and should keep going.

I had read Shimmer first, and I'm afraid just gave up on it. Which was a pity, since from this I also got the same impression of good writing, realistic dialogue and people, and a real exploration of storytelling. It just proved impossible to work out what was going on.

Don't think I'm saying you need to start by explaining. I'm all in favour of throwing the reader into the middle and making them work to pick up the scene as you go along. But you have to present it so they eventually can, and as after half the page or so I still had no clue whether Jayna was a teenage sister, baby sister, golden labrador, girlfriend, ghost, or what; and by the time she had spoken (ruling out the baby and dog theories), we seemed to be in unannounced flashbacks, reveries, or jumps forward...

 

[Caitlin Anise]

Thanks. i know shimmer is confusing. i'm still working on making it easier for everyone to understand.

the thing about the story is that paul, while recreating his horrifying trip to keep from going crazy seems to be doing just that. i just have to show that without losing the reader. it's tough. if anyone would like to help me edit it, it would be greatly appreciated.

its funny though, because some people get it completely the first time and other people are lost right from the start. my boyfriend couldn't understand it and he's incredibly smart but it got printed in a magazine anyway. who knows, right?

 

[Caitlin Anise]

oh my god, my profile says virgin? lol i so have to fix that!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Partly it's that I'm not interested in horror, so first I don't know the conventions, while readers who enjoy it might pick up on clues I didn't; and second, I'm not willing to put myself into a horror/flashback mood once I realize the sort of thing that's going on and that I would need to re-read it carefully with that in mind.

 

[sexyspiders]

Quote: "but it got printed in a magazine anyway"
quoted from caitlin.


perhaps i am being dense here, but it was my understanding that all submissions on literotica had to be original "not previously published" works???? i think its ther in the submission conditions. i mite b wrong so im gonna go check it out

see ya soon, spiders >( ' . ' )<

 

[sexyspiders]

seems i am dense after all, sorry.

just went thru whole submission thing and it just says it has to be ur own, obviously.

apologies,
spiders >( ' . ' )<

 

[sexyspiders]

seems i am dense after all, sorry.

just went thru whole submission thing and it just says it has to be ur own, obviously.

apologies,
spiders >( ' . ' )<