Here is a story I wrote a wile back and was rejected called shopping

[kurgen]

Any help to correct errors would be a great help.

here is the link http://www.chyoo.com/index.php/main.story.cover/5756

Thanks for past and future help and hope you enjoy shopping

Kurgen

 

[airwreck]

You may want to put a space between the paragraphs.

 

[mememe621]

Nice, Chyoo could definitely use more stories written from a woman’s perspective, especially when the woman is enjoying things. I’m trying to get better at writing from other perspectives, especially in the threads I’m trying to add to Hard Exercise (http://www.chyoo.com/index.php/main.story.cover/1616) .

Anyway, this definitely looks like the kind of story that could get itself into approval shape. Comments below, numbers correspond to which paragraph I’m talking about. Obviously ignore anything you don’t like--it’s your writing.

Sorry this is so insanely long. I actually find this kind of editing a lot of fun. I hope it’s helpful.

In general, like Zingiber’s comment on your other story, cleaning up the jagged right margin would help make the story look much more appealing--there’s no need to hit ENTER after your sentences unless you want a new paragraph. Also, don’t forget to stick a space after periods so the sentences aren’t jammed together.

1. Punctuation is the most important improvement, especially commas. (e.g., “if they are revealing, really turns me on”; “I definitely did not want it to stop, that was for sure.”). Missing period after “counter” in line 3. Whose hand is stroking her? The salesman’s? Another customer? I didn’t think this was clear.

2. I assume you don’t mean “licking” because she’s getting fingered. What do you mean by “as if to keep me at the counter, the mystery fingers crept higher”--was she planning on leaving? She hasn’t spoken with the salesman yet.

3. Comma after “Smiling” on the first line of this para. That sentence starting with “Smiling” is a run-on. I’d rephrase that sentence in the actual words of the salesmen instead of just summarizing it for us--he’s an important character and it’s nice to hear how he speaks. Comma after “rooms” on line 2. Should be ”turned to attend TO another customer.” Is her orgasm noisy? How does the salesman know how turned on she is? What signs/sounds turn him on? You’re floating a little between past and present tense here--that’s ok because she’s telling this story after it happened, but I’d be careful (“the salesperson has turned my way again and he was looking”--maybe get rid of “has” and make it “looked”?)

4. Quotation marks when the salesman speaks, and it should be “asked” instead of “asks.” Why is he helping her now, when in the previous paragraph he tried to send her off on her own? (I assume because of her orgasm and his erection, but I’d make that more explicit if it were my story.) Now it sounds like there was some tongue action involved earlier--if so, that should probably be more explicit when it happens in the story. You’ve got “I thought” and “I wonder” in the same sentence, which is redundant; you can write the sentence with just one of these. That last sentence should probably read: “He offers to carry the dress and indicates the nearby changing rooms, while I follow him as if in a daze.”

5. You’ve got “I asked him” and “he is more” in the same sentence--you could make this either present or past tense, but it can’t be both. I assume she also took off her top? You don’t mention it.

6. Why is her mind racing? What’s she thinking about? Or is it really her pulse that’s racing?