Helping someone who is depressed...

[sheath]

I have yet another question I hope you can help me with. Most of my questions are rather personal, and this one is no exception. I really do hope that this wonderful board can help me.

Here's the story:

My boyfriend is sinking deeper and deeper into depression. He has a history of it, even though he says that 'this time' is not as bad as the 'other times'. He has been on medication in the past, yet he doesn't want to take it again, saying that it makes him feel like a zombie and completely destroys his sex drive. I have suggested other medications, and I'm working on getting him to a doctor again. I guess my question is about 'in the meantime'.

I'm beginning to feel scared for him. He writes a journal of sorts, and he has shared some of those entries with me. His thoughts are incredibly angry and dark. He and I have been through quite a bit in the last year, and it seems that everything that he held inside is just now exploding within him. He's not going to do anything to harm himself...yet, at least. I'm watching for that, and he doesn't seem on that 'edge' yet. But I can see the potential for him getting there.

I can't remember the last time he truly laughed or smiled. I think it was three months ago, but I'm not sure. I know it has been far too long. It brings me down sometimes, because I have a tendency to blame myself. You know, those moments of self-evaluation in the middle of the night, when you think things that you never let anyone else know you think about? I'm becoming an expert at those moments. *sigh*

So...I'm gently talking with him about getting help, and making it clear that I am behind him, always. I'm careful to give him enough space yet to stay close enough that he can turn to me...which he does take advantage of, thank God. At least, he does talk and tries not to shut me out of the things he feels. I think that is an asset for him getting better. But I know that no matter how supportive I am, he has to see a doctor. This problem is bigger than me or him, and we both know that.

In the meantime, what can I do? What is the best thing to say to him? I am not looking for a quick fix here. I live in the real world, and I have no illusions about being the one single thing that can pull him out of this downward spiral. But I do know that as his girlfriend, I can provide some influence. I want that influence to be as positive as possible. How can I be the best support system I can possibly be?

Any suggestions are welcome.

And thanks!

S.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[rockin500]

basically, i found talking about the problems helped. and just knowing that i had that support (or was the supporter for others). unfortunately, i find that its kinda hard to really help. a person has to want to get better and stuff.

I've gone through it (and still am to an extent) and it aint easy. no real good answer.

 

[Amfig]

Sheath, this is probably not quite you, but it builds on something I posted to woodcarver's thread. The last time I was depressed (clinically and on meds) the best thing that anyone did for me was when a male friend asked me to help him build a boat. I agreed, reluctantly at first, to do so. It proved to be wonderful. I had some place to go every weekend. He and his wife gave me unconditional love and support. It was a physical activity. I had a buddy to hang with. I enjoyed doing it. I'd hang out pretty much all day Saturday and usually stay for dinner or part of the evening. I learned new stuff-like the engineering decisions involved in building a boat. Handling epoxy & fibreglass.

Also, once you start building a boat in the backyard, a bunch of other folks stop by to hang out and you meet new people, whether you had planned to or not.

Did a lot of other stuff, but building that boat helped me rejoin the human race.

 

[Cakegirl]

When I suffered from depression, my mum asked me if I wanted to learn to pistol shoot. (This was not a crazy idea of "giving guns to the depressed" - my mum and dad used to pistol shoot, in fact they met at a pistol club, but I had only ever shot rifles, and I'd let my license expire.) I wasn't really motivated (of course - I was depressed!), but I said yes anyway, so my mum paid all my fees and stuff to join the club and get my license, and then nearly every Sunday for about a year, we went up to the club and first learnt how to shoot, and then practiced. (I still shoot, three years later, but not every Sunday any more.)

Like the previous message, shooting didn't cure depression, but it gave me something other than depression to focus on. And new people to meet, and a place to go.

I'm now a karate teacher, and we have quite a large number of people who come in because of depression or similar problems. It's been proven in medical studies that keeing physically active helps with depression (exercise endorphins, etc), which is why many depressed people (or carers for them) seek out a sport to join. My karate school is good for it as well because we are very goal-focused - for each thing you learn, you are rewarded with a stripe on your belt, when you have enough stripes, you are rewarded with a new belt, etc.

I'm not saying that everyone with depression should start karate, but what I'm trying to say is that physical activity is good, and, more imporantly, something that has small, measurable, achievable, realistic goals will give the participant a feeling of success as each goal is met.

~Cakegirl

 

[sheath]

Thank you for the wonderful responses!

I have noticed that my boyfriend is not getting into hobbies like he used to, or not at all. Things that he enjoyed before, for YEARS, he has now stopped...beginning with playing his guitar. He says he has no interest in getting involved with anything now. I wonder how I can give him a gentle push in the direction of trying something new?

And hey...woodcarver...your link doesn't work! But that's cool, because I'm going to go search for it now. Thank you for posting it!

I appreciate all your responses.



S.

 

[Noor]

It depends by what kind of depression or if he really is depressed. A web site that might help is http://www.treatments-for-depression.com


Things I have seen work with clinical depression (lasts more than two weeks and is usually not precipitated by anything external.)
Drugs- anti depressants
Exercise- such as 45 minute a day walking
Rest cure-being in a different environment, doing something where the mind can just rest
Electroshock therapy

Things that work that seem to work after a person is no longer depressed or before they fall into it
Talk therapy-change thought patterns that might lead to depression
Going through the motions of life as it would be if the person were not depressed

Some things are not depression but seem like it.
sadness, grief, frustration, malnutrition, lack of sleep

In my own life I get stuck sometimes, not really happy or unhappy, doing what I needed to survive but not much else, not really caring about anything or looking forward to the future. Once I stopped being social entirely. At one point during a rare period of introspection, this doesn't feel like me, I wonder if I am getting depressed? So I dragged myself to a therapist I had gone to years before when my company was folding and I was having a hard time laying people off and letting go of my dreams even though I knew nothing I had done lead to it (stock market crash 1987).
After going over the events of my life, the therapist pointed out that I was numb because I had repeated major losses over the past ten years, that I hadn't had time to deal with before the next one. It was grief, unprocessed grief, so we made a plan to start dealing with each loss. Now when I have a loss I try and deal with it as much as I can early on. If I have to, I stop everything and just deal with it. I also walk everyday, eat well, get lots of sleep, try and maintain some rituals, take art breaks, watch things that make me laugh and surround myself with positive caring people.

I hope this helps.

 

[Ramoana]

If you BF does not want to talk to someone, you might see if he would be willing to read the book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terence Real. It deals with the man's view of depression. Our therapist recommended it to my husband and he found it helpful.