Helping Catherine (closed for Sidney_1)

[BurningMonkey]

Paul Crawford, Ph.D., sat behind his desk, looking over his notes on his next appointment. Catherine Davis, 31, married 6 years; husband Michael; one daughter, Elizabeth, 3. Referred for sexual dysfunction.

He leaned back and steepled his fingers. She was a new patient, a transfer from Richard Parker, with whom she was evidently dissatisfied. I wonder what went wrong, there? Well, no matter. A short discussion should establish whether he could help her.

He pushed the button on his intercom—a throwback to an older day, but he liked it—and said, “Beverly? Please have Mrs. Davis come in.” He rose and rounded the desk to greet her as the door opened.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Davis, and welcome to my office. Please, have a seat,“ he said, indicating one of the comfortable leather armchairs set at angles to each other. First impressions: blonde, blue-eyed, curvy (nice, large, rounded breasts, he noted), pretty, nervous.

“How can I help you today?” he asked solicitously as he took a seat in the other chair, leaning his elbow on the arm and propping his chin in his hand. It wasn’t the usual formal pose most in his profession adopted, but he’d discovered that informality, if kept within limits, helped to set his patients at ease.

He gazed at her calmly out of sea-blue eyes and waited patiently for what he would hear.

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine sighed, embarrassed to have to tell her story once again. There was no desk between herself and Dr. Crawford. She had expected he’d be sitting behind a desk as Dr. Parker had.

“Well, I seem to be having an intimacy issue with my husband. Ever since my daughter was born, I just don’t have the sexual desire that I once had prior to her birth. I feel guilty and I don’t want to deprive my husband, but I am not inspired by our sex life. We’ve just gotten into a rut or something. I’m also finding it much more challenging to achieve an orgasm, which also never used to be an issue. I know sex is a huge issue in marriages, so I’m just trying to be pro-active and see if – well- I hope you can help me. My nurse practitioner said that nothing was wrong with me physically, but I’m still not convinced.”

Dr. Crawford kept his eyes on her as she spoke. They were a beautiful sea blue, perhaps a little lighter than her own. So far, so good. Nothing weird about him.

 

[BurningMonkey]

He watched her as she spoke, not giving any sign that he found her story unusual in any way. In fact, it was not. He'd heard it before, many times.

"Well, Mrs. Davis," he said mildly, shifting to rest his elbows on his knees. "It's not uncommon for one or the other partner in a marriage to experience a lessening or even extinguishing of the libido after the birth of a child. There are several causes for this, acting either separately or in various combinations.

"Sometimes it's physical, yes; a change in the hormonal levels, a lessening of sensitivity in certain tissues during childbirt, perhaps a bit of prolapse in the vaginal canal, that sort of thing. Sometimes it's purely emotional or psychological; additional stress, or the juxtaposition between interacting with a child versus interacting with another adult, or resentments against the spouse because of some perceived inequity of duty in taking care of the child, or anxiety over the future, or body-image issues. Many women feel that the physical changes required by child-bearing or childbirth render them less desirable in the eyes of their mate: extra weight, or stretch marks, or the like.

"Tell me, if you would: Did you breast-feed your daughter? Elizabeth, isn't it?" he said, enquiringly. "Age three, if my information is correct?" She nodded. "So then...did you breast-feed Elizabeth? And for how long?"

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine nodded.

“Yes, I breast-fed Elizabeth for a year.”

 

[BurningMonkey]

"And did you find that experience pleasant? Many women report feelings of mild sexual arousal when breast-feeding. And also, did your nipples change during that time? And were those changes, if any, permanent?"

 

[Sidney_1]

“Well, it was exhausting, but something felt so natural and simple about it. It was a time when I could relax my mind and take in this beautiful creature that my husband and I created. I just felt an intense love for my daughter. It also made me feel connected to all mothers. This is a feeling that is unique to mothers and now I’m in that tribe.”

Catherine shook her head. That year had gone by in a dreamy haze.

“Oh sorry- I got a little carried away, there. Um, I didn’t find breast-feeding arousing. But, I did find it arousing when my husband would nuzzle my breasts and occasionally they would leak when I was engorged and he would. . . well, that’s probably not necessary for you to know.”

Catherine could feel herself going scarlet. Her palms were sweaty and she felt warm. Oh God, now she had to talk about her nipples?

“My nipples have always been very sensitive and they remain that way. Perhaps even moreso since the baby. They were bigger when I was nursing, but I think they are back to baseline now. I’m- probably a lot curvier all-around since having Elizabeth.”

Catherine wondered why Dr. Crawford was asking so many questions about her breasts. Oddly, she found it arousing to talk about them. He had a calm, practical manner and it put her at ease. She had told herself -- after the experience with Dr. Parker to not be surprised or disappointed if Dr. Crawford couldn't help her. But, still, she hoped their therapy would help her marriage. She honestly didn't know if she had the energy to seek out another counselor.

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul nodded, noncommittally, and leaned back in his chair. "Catherine, I can see that you're embarrassed by our conversation, but really, if I'm going to help you, we'll have to speak of many intimate matters. I understand if it feels difficult to open up to someone you've just met, but I am a professional; what you've just told me is not the first time I've heard that information. Please remember, I'm only here to help."

"Let's leave that for the moment," he said, crossing his legs and steepling his fingers in front of his tie. "Tell me about your lack of arousal and difficulty in achieving orgasm. When did you first notice this happening? It probably began before that, but I want to hear how you came to realize that things weren't as they had been."

 

[Sidney_1]

“Well, it is the second time that I’m having to speak to a ‘professional’ about this, and I wasn’t impressed with the first therapist at all. His ‘therapy’ consisted of me giving Michael a blowjob whether I wanted to or not. Of course, that was after hearing all the prurient details about my personal life. He was a total quack and I may still report him so no other woman has to go through such a heart wrenching experience. I will give you a chance, but you will have to earn my respect and trust.”

Catherine knew those were strong words, but she had to get out her anger and resentment for therapists. Who else was she going to talk to about such a weird, personal thing between she and Michael?

Catherine sighed, trying to recall Dr. Crawford’s last question.

“What did you ask of me, again? Oh, arousal. I don’t know. When I stopped breast-feeding, I assumed my hormones and sex drive would come back, but it didn’t. But, I didn’t think it was fair to Michael, so I would be intimate with him, but I wouldn’t enjoy it, and I didn’t orgasm. I would just tell him that I just wasn’t feeling in a sexy mood. It’s an elephant that we don’t discuss seriously. I first have to figure out my own reasons for not feeling sexual… I wouldn’t even know how to explain anything to him. And part of me thinks we just need a few months to ourselves. . . to just have some fun and get out of the routine of our lives. I don’t know.”

Catherine’s eyes welled up and she looked away and then down at her lap and away from Dr. Crawford’s eyes. No one was going to get this. She was alone in it. Her grief, her stuckness, the feeling of being lost and confused. She was alone in it. It was ridiculous to think anyone could help her find her way back to herself. She knew that was something that people had to do for themselves. You find your way to love. To a career. To a town. To every decision that makes up a life. Somehow she had gotten so lost.

Her tears rolled, and rolled, and she found herself overcome with grief and sadness and a sense of hopelessness about it all.

 

[BurningMonkey]

He watched her for a moment, then silently rose from his chair, fetched the box of tissue that sat on the corner of his desk, and mutely handed it to her before reseating himself. "Catherine--I hope you don't mind me calling you Catherine? And you may call me Paul, if you like. Or Dr. Crawford, whichever makes you feel more comfortable."

"As I stated before, many, many women go through just what you're going through. The birth of a child with all of its attendant responsibilities can be overwhelming. Suddenly you are responsible for every aspect of another human beings' very life, and you stop feeling like a person and assume the role of caregiver and life-support system. You're busy all the time taking care of another's needs, focusing on them and losing touch with yourself."

"Sex under those circumstances can be the last thing you think about, because you don't feel sexy;--nurturing, loving, yes, but not sexy. Sex, done properly, is a celebration of self and wonder and life. In fact, it is the very definition of a life-affirming act. And how could it not be? It is the very mechanism by which life perpetuates itself."

He leaned forward, concern creasing his brow slightly. "Catherine, how did you feel about sex before Elizabeth? Did you enjoy it? Truly enjoy it? Was it something to look forward to, to be sought after, or was it simply something you did, or perhaps even an obligation you felt you owed to your husband?"

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine dabbed at her eyes and silently nodded. Dr. Crawford’s statements rang true. She had just gone into auto-pilot. Maybe she had breastfed for too long.

Sex, done properly, is a celebration of self and wonder and life.

She liked the sound of it. She knew Michael was craving that kind of sex, too. Authentic. Passionate. If only she could be that primal.

Catherine rubbed her forehead. She liked Dr. Crawford, but it still felt painful to admit certain things aloud to herself.

“This is so embarrassing to talk about. But, I really do love my husband, so I’m going to risk sounding ridiculous with you.”

Catherine paused, and momentarily wondered if Dr. Crawford was married.

“To be honest, I like the foreplay and affection, and I get aroused easily, but it’s always been a challenge for me to orgasm. It didn’t happen often. But, I like feeling close to Michael and I know he enjoys the feeling of connection that sex brings for men. So, I always try to relax and hope I have one. I love him because he’s gentle and patient with me, and he doesn’t take it personally. He accepts and loves me as I am. But, I know he wants a richer sexual life and I would like to find a way to give that to him. Men who are bored will stray or leave. I hope I’m making sense.”

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul listened quietly, then gave a little smile. "None of that sounds ridiculous to me at all, Catherine. It's a common occurrence, really, for women to like foreplay but not experience orgasm.

"Actually, orgasm is just one part of sex, and all the other parts can be enjoyed independently. But for many, and especially for men, it is the whole point of sex, which is unfortunate; they're so busy rushing to the 'destination' that they don't really take the time to enjoy the trip. But since this is what gives you concern, we should see what we can do about helping you achieve orgasm more frequently and easily."

He leaned back again. "I'm going to ask you some very personal questions, now, which I want you to know you are free not to answer if they make you uncomfortable. But the information elicited will help me in planning a course of action to accomplish that which you came to me to do.

"Catherine...do you masturbate, or have you ever masturbated, and if so, do you achieve orgasm during masturbation?"

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine felt a release in her abdomen when Dr. Crawford explained that sex wasn’t just about orgasms. Somehow, she had believed or felt pressure to have to orgasm whenever they had sex. While it would have been great to reach the mountain and soar- Dr. Crawford was right- she did enjoy the trip, although she wished she enjoyed it more. And…she barely heard him as he said “we” and “helping you achieve orgasm frequently and easily”. What? Was that really possible???

Yes, he was going to help her come up with a plan. She began to feel an ounce of hope. But, it still felt too embarrassing to call him “Paul”. She needed some emotional distance or professional distance. . . so, although he referred to her as “Catherine”, and she didn’t mind it, she wasn’t ready to call him “Paul”.

Catherine shifted in her chair, rubbing her legs together in her dark, snug, fitted jeans.

“Wow, can you believe that I never thought about sex as an entire trip? Somehow I bought into the idea that if you’re not having wild, screaming orgasms then you’re not having an amazing sex life. But, you’re right. I do love the foreplay and afterplay and intimacy. I’m just not the type to be wild. If you really think you can help me, then I’m going to do my best to answer your questions. Okay, masturbation. . .” Catherine swung her hands up in the air and flopped them onto her lap.

“Yes, I’ve masturbated and I can orgasm in that way. I almost always orgasm that way. But even those orgasms are not intense and wild. I think I always hold back. To be honest, it’s a very scary feeling for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m having a seizure and I feel like I will die! I know that sounds so silly. Although I’d love to be able to orgasm more easily and frequently, I’m also concerned that I don’t have the same desire for sex as I used to for probably a variety of reasons that you mentioned earlier.”

 

[BurningMonkey]

He nodded when she said she masturbated, and almost always reached orgasm when she did. Then when she went on to relate that she found orgasm scary, he nodded again. A picture was forming in his mind.

He leaned forward again. "The nature of everyone's orgasm is different; don't be concerned that yours are not," and he used his fingers to make air quotes, "'wild and screaming'. What you read in erotica--you did say you read erotica?--or see in porn is not reality. They are entertainment. They are often overly exaggerated for the benefit of the audience. Reality is what each of us actually experiences during sex, and shouldn't be compared to some mythical standard that even adult movie actresses will tell you doesn't happen to them very often. Enjoy what you have, when you have it, and don't worry that it's not 'enough'. It's enough for you."

"There's a joke I heard once that I think fits the situation: A man with a very small penis visits a prostitute, and when she sees his member she laughs and asks, 'Who do you think you can please with that?', and he replies simply, 'Myself'. That is the way one should approach sex, at least from an internal perspective: You are participating to please yourself, and if you like the result, then that's all that matters.

"Something else you said I found very interesting, though, and I'd like to explore it more. But first I have a few more questions, if you wouldn't mind. When you masturbate, do you use any sort of outside aid? A dildo or vibrator, for example? And do you stimulate yourself internally or only the clitoris?"

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine had smiled at Dr. Crawford’s small penis story. She had always mentally compared herself to what she imagined other people’s sex lives were. . .and to what she saw in movies. She had never been a "screamer".

She wondered what she had said previously that had captured Dr. Crawford’s curiosity. He was making her feel better about her situation already. She found herself drawn to him and his kind wisdom. It all rang true deep within her. And he was right—the more honest and forthright she was with him, the more he seemed to be able to help her to see things with a different attitude and viewpoint.

Catherine tried to keep a neutral face, as if they were talking about what type of household good she preferred. She wasn’t even sure what a dildo did.

“When I masturbate, I just use my hands. I’m a little bit curious about a vibrator although I think that would be too intense and I don’t want to ever feel like I need an outside aid. I don’t have a dildo and I don’t really understand what their purpose is in pleasuring me. And. . .I just touch the outside of myself. . .rubbing the labia at the base of my clitoris so there is indirect stimulation. Very rarely, I’ll place a finger inside of my vagina, too, and when I orgasm, I’ll feel myself clench against against it. Something about that sort of scares me though, and I usually remove my finger once I start orgasming.”

Catherine paused wondering if she should answer the question that she knew Dr. Crawford would ask.

“And no, I know where my g-spot is, but it just feels too intense and I can’t stimulate it in a way that feels pleasurable to me. So, basically, just my hands and clitoral stimulation.”

Catherine sighed. She wondered who else came to Dr. Crawford and what type of issues they had. She had never answered questions like this before, or even thought about sex in depth before, and she found it freeing to be so honest and blunt with Dr. Crawford. He had beautiful, knowing eyes, and she found herself opening and trusting herself to him.

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul smiled a little smile. "Every woman's body is different, Catherine, despite what you may have heard. Some women find that certain parts of their body are very sensitive and it's uncomfortable to stimulate them, while other women don't have a problem with those areas. That's perfectly normal.

"The fact that you almost always orgasm through masturbation is also very common. After all, who knows your body as well as you do? You know exactly what to touch, and when, and how hard or soft, and in what direction--exactly what will get you to the peak and over. Who else could know that as well? Even the most attentive lover can't."

"But let me ask you this, as it's important: Have you ever shared any of this information with your husband, Michael?"

 

[Sidney_1]

“Well, no. I mean, those are just my masturbatory preferences.”

Catherine almost laughed just from saying the word ‘masturbatory’. How on earth did Dr. Crawford talk to people about sex all day with a straight face?

“When Michael and I are intimate. . . I need to – or we both have to -just find a way to bring each other pleasure.”

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul sighed inwardly and nodded as if this was something he had been expecting to hear, which it in fact was.

"Communication--frank, honest, open, nonjudgmental communication—between sex partners is essential to good sexual experiences and a healthy sex life, at least between people who intend to stay together for some extended period. You should share these things with your husband; I think he would appreciate knowing them. I know that, speaking as a man, I get a much fuller, much richer, much more pleasurable and satisfactory result from any sexual encounter if I’m doing what my lover wants me to do, what feels good to her. Giving pleasure can be as fulfilling as getting pleasure, and it’s so much easier if one doesn’t have to guess whether what one is doing is pleasurable or ho-hum or, God forbid, even annoying to the other.

"Let's return for a moment, however, to something you said earlier, namely that orgasm is 'scary' for you. And please don’t take this poorly when I ask, but do you have trouble trusting people? Situations? Do you often feel that things are somehow going to go wrong? Even terribly wrong? That you're going to get hurt in some way, irrespective of any rational basis for that feeling?"

 

[Sidney_1]

“My husband and I do communicate our desires and likes and dislikes when we’re together. We just don’t have long discourse about it. We know by each other’s reactions and we’ve been together for a while. He knows what I like and vice versa.”

Catherine found herself irritated that she needed to defend herself and the way she and Michael communicated with each other.

“I’ll be honest. While I am kind on the outside, I don’t have a lot of patience or tolerance for most people. They are noisy and 99% of what they say is of no use to me! I have no idea why people talk so much or complain so much. I definitely don’t automatically trust anyone. No one is consistent. It would be ridiculous to trust anyone except yourself. What on earth does trusting others or thinking that things could go wrong have to do with my ability to orgasm?”

Catherine was beginning to get exhausted and frustrated and she hoped the session was almost over.

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul just nodded noncommittally. He didn't bother to point out the obvious inconsistency between the vague "we find ways to pleasure each other" and the statement "we do communicate". And the trust thing--he felt he was striking a nerve, there, by the way she was getting defensive and agitated. Best to leave it for now.

He glanced at his watch. "It looks as though we're out of time for the moment." He rose and went behind his desk, consulting his calendar. "I would like to schedule you for another session next Tuesday, if you'd be willing." He named a time. "I am nearly certain I can help you, but it will take a little time." He wrote the time and date on a notepad and tore off the top sheet.

Rounding the desk, he said as he held the slip of paper out to her, "There is something I'd like you to do before our next session. It may sound frivolous, but I'd like you to try it anyway."

"I'd like you to block out an hour or so of time, and take a nice warm bath. Put on some nice music, light a scent burner if you like, but take some time to just sit and soak in a bath and clear your mind of everything except how the water feels, the temperature, how it moves when you move your hands, just feel, and tell me what you thought of it when next we meet."

"It was very pleasant meeting you, Catherine, and I hope you'll see fit to come again."

 

[Sidney_1]

“It was nice meeting you as well, Dr. Crawford, but I did come here for help. You’ve asked your questions and I’ve answered them to the best of my ability. But, for some sense of closure, and a feeling that I am actually gaining something from this interaction, I’d appreciate an answer to my last question. What does trust or mistrust of people and situations have to do with my ability to orgasm? All healthy men can orgasm easily. I don’t see what your point was with that question and you avoided answering me.”

Catherine could already feel her annoyance at having to ask the same question twice.

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul waited for a moment, then answered.

"Because trust is the very heart and soul of orgasm. One must be willing to let go, to surrender, to what's happening. And people who don't or can't trust, who are afraid to lose control, defeat the mechanism.

"I'm sure you've been to an amusement park, and seen the people in the front seat of the roller-coaster, with their hands in the air as they plummet towards the earth. They have voluntarily let go, voluntarily surrendered to the feelings coursing through their body--the fear, the excitement, the verge of panic. And they've let go because they trust. They trust that the fear and adrenalin will only last for a moment, and that a few seconds from now the world will be back to normal and all will be well. And they can repeat the experience over and over, feel the thrill again and again, whenever they like, because they believe, in their heart of hearts, that all will be well, that they'll come through it safely.

"Orgasm can be an overwhelming experience, and the loss of control can be very frightening to persons who cannot or will not trust that they'll be fine on the other side of it. It's, to use your words, 'scary'. So they shy away from it. And then they are depressed because they can't experience the full thrill of it, if at all.

"That is what trust has to do with orgasm. Trust in your partner, yes, but most of all trust in yourself, in your ability to experience without fear, trust in the world at large that God is in His heaven and all will be fine with the world, and with yourself, and the sun will still be shining on the other side."

He felt he had lost her, but he had to give an honest answer to her question. "In our continuing sessions, should you choose to continue with me, we will work on that trust, building it, reinforcing it, making it a bulwark and a bastion against the 'scary' aspects of sex, and when that trust is well-established, firm in its foundation, you will find that orgasm comes more easily and more often."

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine let Dr. Crawford’s explanation sink in. Sure enough, she had never understood why people enjoyed rollercoasters and needed to feel the thrill or fear of being out of control and having their stomach contents slosh all over the place. She preferred more peaceful means of feeling alive.

“Well, I think you have something there, although even I don’t have words to explain my feelings about trust and orgasm and letting go. But, somehow I think you’re right.” Catherine sighed.

“I’d like to grow and change. To trust and feel more. For my sake and my husband’s.”

Catherine could barely imagine herself being able to orgasm more often and more easily. That would be amazing. Maybe Dr. Crawford could unlock something within her. He certainly felt hopeful.

“Ok, well, it is certainly easy enough to take a relaxing bath, so I’ll do my homework. I’ll see you next Tuesday.”

Catherine stood up, smiled, and shook Dr. Crawford’s hand.

It was a start.

 

[BurningMonkey]

Paul got up and came around his desk to greet Catherine at their next appointment. She was dressed very casually this time: black yoga pants that clung to her form, and a red zippered hoodie close-fitted. He couldn't help but notice that the sweatshirt outlined her bust magnificently, and wondered if the effect was deliberate.

"Welcome back, Catherine," he said warmly, and waved to the second chair. "Please, have a seat."

When they were both situated in their customary stations, he asked, "So, did you complete your 'homework' assignment? And if so, how did it feel? Describe your experience."

 

[Sidney_1]

Catherine took in a deep breath and then exhaled at the memory.

“Well, it felt very nice, of course. Forty minutes of just pure relaxation- no noise, no demands, and I could just relax my brain. I think I have a good life, but this quiet time for myself was also nice.”

 

[BurningMonkey]

"Good, very good," Paul said, nodding. "It's important for your health, and your sexual health, to practice some "me" time every day. I know as a parent of a young child it isn't easy, but you'll be surprised what a difference it makes, not only in your health but also in your general outlook."

"Relaxation and being 'in the moment' are key to sexual arousal. When you're harried or stressed, you don't feel like switching gears and being sexy. And if when those times happen you feel some sort of 'obligation' or 'duty' to perform sexually, sex becomes just another chore you have to deal with, something you have to do rather than something you want to do, a drudgery to be gotten through rather than a treat to be savored and enjoyed.

"I encourage you to continue with setting aside some 'me time' every day. It doesn't have to be a bath, although immersion in warm water is one of the most effective ways to relax and stimulate the skin, which is after all the largest sensory organ in the body. It can be something like relaxing in an easy chair and listening to some nice music, or stilling your mind and thinking of something pleasant, or simply drifting. Take care against using it to plan your day or wrestling with a problem, however: the tasks you need to handle and the problems you need to solve will still be there when you emerge, and you can handle them then. And they won't have deteriorated much in 30-45 minutes.

"Now, then," he said leaning back and eyeing her speculatively, "I've been thinking about your situation since last we met, and I have something of a proposal for you. I've been playing for several years not with the idea of an 'alternative', if you will, kind of therapy. And I think you would be an ideal candidate for testing my theories, if you're game. However, I'll warn you up front that it will involve my touching you, and I would like to ask your permission to do so."