Help with this story!

[RyanC]

Removed

I'l post again later

 

[Fantasymaster]

suggestions

Hello friend,

Please let me make one basic suggestion first. Split this big block of text up into paragraphs. It will make it so much easier to read and therefore you are more likely to get more constructive ideas.

Let me know when you've done that if you'd like me to take a look. I like Tequila!

Cheers!

FantasyMaster

 

[RyanC]

I was hoping you could do that!

I'm not a writer, and I was hoping for someone to help me with breaking it up. There are several more pages, and it is a true story. I just wish I had the skills to represent it well.

 

[janiexx]

Hi Ryan

I read your story, and like FantasyMaster, found the big block of text off-putting.

I do think it needs a lot of work. Also, I'm not sure about this, but it sounds as if English is not your first language. Am I right?

I say this because of these sentences:

On our arrival in Cancun, we took part in the parties that were on our path.

We made ourselves to the condo, and called it a night.

The first thing to put me off was the misspelling of clothes in your title - I assume you meant clothes when you typed "cloths"?

I think it has the makings of a fine little story, but the sentences need to be longer, some irrelevant information can be cut out - "Sleeping in late made breakfast at 11.45am" and some background to the characters would help the reader build up a picture of why they are there and the relationship between the sisters and brothers-in-law.

Keep at it!
janiexx

 

[kbate]

Go to the volunteer editor's list and look for an editor whose profile suits your needs. If you believe the story is ready for publication (on Lit) you should be able to present it to an editor for suggestions/revisions.