Help with the story

[ESQUIRED]

Interested in feedback for story. Please let me know how you feel.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=21422

 

[MercyMia]

Hi, I get the 404 error when I click on the story link. If it's appeared in Literotica already, congratulations on your publication.

Mia

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

When is a story not a story. . .

You're probably not going to get much feedback concerning your submission because there is simply too much missing - a major overhaul is needed vice minor tweaking.

I'm sure you have read at least a few of the stories here and it would be helpful if you analyzed some your favorites and compared them to what you write. I particular, note how the author develops plot, characterization, setting, theme, and point of view.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The problem here is the old one of telling a story rather than showing it. The story reads like something you would tell a buddy in a bar: so then she did this, and I did that, and then this happened… You never get to the point where you bring us into the story in real time so that we can be there with you, seeing what you see and feeling what you feel. I think that’s what Huckleberry’s responding to: we feel very remote from what’s going on.

---dr.M.

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

That's funny Doc, that was my exact thought - two guys in a bar and one says, "hey, I've got a 'no-shitter' for you."