help with the husband

[sexieyoungone]

okay my man and i have been together for a while, just recently married though.


Our sex life is okay for the most part. The one thing I would like to change is, he doesnt like to touch me....He likes to rub my body, grab my ass a bit and thats it. He won't go down on me, he bearly fingers me and thats when i begg for it. and its driving me nuts

is this just something I need to get use to? I knew when I first met him (4 years ago) that he wasn't much experienced but I'd figure by now he'd be comfortable enough to do these things with me.

or is it me? am I asking for to much? Should i be okay with the fact that this is the way its going to be a just learn to be okay with the sex we do have?

I'm confused and a hit hurt. I feel like i'm not what he really wanted and its driving me nuts

 

[thesponge]

Sounds like you have asked him to do stuff but, it doesn't sound like you two have sat down and talked about this?

 

[CWatson]

is this just something I need to get use to? I knew when I first met him (4 years ago) that he wasn't much experienced but I'd figure by now he'd be comfortable enough to do these things with me.

or is it me? am I asking for to much? Should i be okay with the fact that this is the way its going to be a just learn to be okay with the sex we do have?

This is NOT something you should just 'need to get used to.' In theory, you and your husband can work these things out, have a mutual discussion of your needs (what you want to get) and desires (what you're willing to give), and reach a compromise.

Realistically, it doesn't always work out that way. You're in double trouble too at this point since you've married him, and (I assume) were planning to stay with him for the rest of your life. This means that, whatever you wanted out of your sex life, you have to get from him... And the simple and unfortunate fact, as you're finding out, is that just because you want that from him doesn't mean he has to give it. (Obviously there's always divorce and/or infidelity, but let's table those for the moment, né? )

So, essentially, it's down to realism vs. practicality. Are you ready to go through the hassle of pushing for more, or would it be simpler to "settle"?

Our sex life is okay for the most part. The one thing I would like to change is, he doesnt like to touch me....He likes to rub my body, grab my ass a bit and thats it. He won't go down on me, he bearly fingers me and thats when i begg for it. and its driving me nuts

It seems slightly contradictory, by the way, for him to want sex that doesn't involve touching. What, does he put you under a bedsheet and then cut a hole in it for his etc?

Long story short, you need to sit down with him and have a very comprehensive talk about your sex life. Tell him what you want from it, and ask him what he wants. See if you can get him excited about it. You can have an argument about this, obviously, and turn it into something he resents you for; or it can be something he's happy to do because he knows it pleases you. Anything that a couple argues about can also become something that strengthens their relationship instead.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

okay my man and i have been together for a while, just recently married though.


Our sex life is okay for the most part. The one thing I would like to change is, he doesnt like to touch me....He likes to rub my body, grab my ass a bit and thats it. He won't go down on me, he bearly fingers me and thats when i begg for it. and its driving me nuts

is this just something I need to get use to? I knew when I first met him (4 years ago) that he wasn't much experienced but I'd figure by now he'd be comfortable enough to do these things with me.

or is it me? am I asking for to much? Should i be okay with the fact that this is the way its going to be a just learn to be okay with the sex we do have?

I'm confused and a hit hurt. I feel like i'm not what he really wanted and its driving me nuts

I agree with thesponge: sit down and talk about this outside of the bedroom in a nonconfrontational way. Find out what he's thinking (i.e. why he doesn't touch you), address any specific issues (e.g. 'I don't know what to do and I'm afraid of hurting you') and tell him how you feel.

You are NOT asking too much, although you may be asking too much from him specifically if this is something he's unwilling to do.

Only you can determine whether or not you can live with not being touched and receiving oral. We can't tell you whether you can be happy with that or not. I can tell you that most women wouldn't be okay with it; IOW, it's not unreasonable for you to feel upset, that it's something you can't live with, or a dealbreaker for your relationship. I can also tell you that I wouldn't be alright with a partner refusing to please me, and I wouldn't sentence myself to that situation long-term because it'd have a serious impact on my self-esteem, no matter how hard I tried to keep it from doing so.

Hopefully this can be solved through positive communication and perhaps counseling with a good therapist (even if he won't go, you can go to work things out for yourself and learn valuable techniques). And if not, it seems like there are some very good lessons here that could help you find what you're seeking in the future. Relationship problems are so painful, but I find solace in the knowledge that I come out better off, either way: they either lead to more communication and a stronger relationship, or the demise of a relationship that's not right for me and valuable knowledge that helps me in the future.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes (it's also easier for us to advise you if we have an idea of the issues from his side).

 

[infinity706]

Ok, first question. So, what do you do for him? Do you spend time touching him and sucking his cock? If the answer is no, then you probably are asking too much since you're not giving what you're asking for. If the answer is yes, then you might have more of a point. Talking to him and making it perfectly clear that eating you out and fingering you turns you on is important. It's not like women come with a built in instructions manual for how to please them. A little quid pro quo might help, too. Yes, that is a sexual harassment term, but we're not at work here. "If you eat my pussy, you can fuck me in the ass/cum in my mouth/ [insert thing that he wants to do]/etc." might work very well for you.

 

[leanne1111]

okay my man and i have been together for a while, just recently married though.


Our sex life is okay for the most part. The one thing I would like to change is, he doesnt like to touch me....He likes to rub my body, grab my ass a bit and thats it. He won't go down on me, he bearly fingers me and thats when i begg for it. and its driving me nuts

is this just something I need to get use to? I knew when I first met him (4 years ago) that he wasn't much experienced but I'd figure by now he'd be comfortable enough to do these things with me.

or is it me? am I asking for to much? Should i be okay with the fact that this is the way its going to be a just learn to be okay with the sex we do have?

I'm confused and a hit hurt. I feel like i'm not what he really wanted and its driving me nuts

I recomend not giving him to him, when he decides he wants something, Maybe you should tease him more often and see what his reaction is. x

 

[JMac20]

Does he watch a lot of porn. Sometimes that leads to a guy feeling sex is just for getting off and he ignores the passionate part.

 

[LFO]

I recomend not giving him to him, when he decides he wants something, Maybe you should tease him more often and see what his reaction is. x

That's very passive/aggressive and may exasperate the issue.

Communication is the only way that this is going to get better, and the sooner the better before resentment starts to build. There could be several reasons why this is occurring. Unfortunately, without knowing more about the two of you I could only speculate.

Since you said that he was inexperienced, I would venture to guess a bit of what you're dealing with is a combination of stubborn male pride and nerves. He may simply not know how to please you and communicate this, and he may be embarrassed about this fact and withdrawing. if this is the case, take his hand and use it as you would use yours and show him you how like to be touched.

Communication is key to making everything work for you. Good luck!


-LFO

 

[nicole_quinn26]

I recomend not giving him to him, when he decides he wants something, Maybe you should tease him more often and see what his reaction is. x

That just leads to more problems. There is absolutely no way that gets a positive result and will just make things worse. Girls get this idea in their head and oh man is it not true....

Maybe your man is unsure of his technique, I'm not going to repeat some sound advice already given but the best way is to talk it out... calmly. Over coffee or something neutral and just be firm but not demanding, let him know how you feel. Ask him if there's anything you're not doing that he might like too just to keep things on a neutral playing field. Good luck

 

[Shwenn]

That just leads to more problems. There is absolutely no way that gets a positive result and will just make things worse. Girls get this idea in their head and oh man is it not true....

After I've blown a guy a few times, he doesn't get another blow job until he goes down on me.

It may end up that we just never do oral or he may start giving me head and start getting head again but I have never, ever been in a relationship where I was the only one doing it.

I don't understand why a woman would keep blowing a guy who never takes care of her in return. You'll end up very angry if you do that. How could you not?

 

[nicole_quinn26]

The way I viewed it was just doing it without talking about it. Like lets say I just cut my boyfriend off BJ's or what have you without so much as an explanation, he would be very 'wtf?' Because frankly in my experiences a lot of the time boys don't realize they're forgetting something with us they get all 'oh wait really? crap I'm sorry!'. If you don't talk about it and just stop giving then you don't get the 'oh wait really crap I'm sorry!' and it doesn't get fixed, then he just will probably cheat... blah blah.

Also I know plenty of people who have one sided oral deals. One party doesn't feel comfortable giving and/or even receiving and it's alright with them. It's not that uncommon *shrug*

 

[LFO]

After I've blown a guy a few times, he doesn't get another blow job until he goes down on me.

It may end up that we just never do oral or he may start giving me head and start getting head again but I have never, ever been in a relationship where I was the only one doing it.

I don't understand why a woman would keep blowing a guy who never takes care of her in return. You'll end up very angry if you do that. How could you not?

That's passive/aggressive too, have you ever tried just saying "hey, it's your turn now!"? Honestly, we guys can be a little dumb sometimes and don't always realize when we aren't doing something quite right.

 

[CWatson]

That's passive/aggressive too, have you ever tried just saying "hey, it's your turn now!"? Honestly, we guys can be a little dumb sometimes and don't always realize when we aren't doing something quite right.

...Which takes us straight back round to our Original Poster and her issue. Because, seriously, that one five-word sentence might solve all her problems. Ideally, her man is just dumb and can be straightened out with a little talk. (Worst-case scenario, he's actually an asshat. But let's not go there until OP takes us there.)

 

[LFO]

...Which takes us straight back round to our Original Poster and her issue. Because, seriously, that one five-word sentence might solve all her problems. Ideally, her man is just dumb and can be straightened out with a little talk. (Worst-case scenario, he's actually an asshat. But let's not go there until OP takes us there.)

I agree, I just hate seeing people try and give bad "catty" passive/aggressive advice that would probably just make the situation way worse.

 

[jcallny]

This is said from a mans prespective and a husbands prespective. I have to say to you that you should never feel as if your asking for too much. Never. Do you know how many men are looking for a woman like you. A woman who is not inhibited. So allow yourself to sexually curius and want to be plesured. That is perfecitly normal. You will never be asking for too much.

Now what the other readers have said is correct, you have to be willing to have a heart to hear with him and ask him. There are so many reasons why he could be negleting you. Also what the other reader said is correct to. You have to be willing to go down on him and please him as well. It works both ways.

If he does not understand you or does not want to understand and does not want to please you, well then you have a problem.

 

[Shwenn]

That's passive/aggressive too, have you ever tried just saying "hey, it's your turn now!"? Honestly, we guys can be a little dumb sometimes and don't always realize when we aren't doing something quite right.

It isn't passive/aggressive. That isn't what that term means.

Everybody can be a little dumb sometimes. Not reciprocating when your lover gives you oral sex is incredibly inconsiderate. Being male doesn't excuse that level of inconsideration. I do not believe that men are dumb like that.

 

[sexyskibunnysub]

It sounds like you have some quite large communication problems. In any fulfilling relationship, you need to express your needs and talk about everything...and not just sexually. I wish you the best of luck, hun.

Also......I would make sure you let him know that you are not mad and that you love him. People tend to get defensive when it comes to topics about sex.

 

[sunandshadow]

Yeah I agree with the above - assuming you are 'doing unto others as you would like to have done unto you', tell him it's his turn, and explain what you want and why it's important to you. Find out if he actually doesn't want to give it, and if so, why not.

Every once in a while it's something really simple - too hot in the bedroom to want to get close, too long since one or both people last showered and now they're greasy or sticky, bad time of day meaning he's in a hurry to get back to a task or go to sleep, sometimes one person dislikes the other's moisturizer or stubble.

One other random though - try initiating sex with your underwear still on but your bra off, or ask for a massage and then take your top off. I don't think this is passive aggressive at all because the sex will end up as usual, the idea is just to create a suggestion/opportunity for foreplay before getting to the main event.

 

[LFO]

It isn't passive/aggressive. That isn't what that term means.

Everybody can be a little dumb sometimes. Not reciprocating when your lover gives you oral sex is incredibly inconsiderate. Being male doesn't excuse that level of inconsideration. I do not believe that men are dumb like that.

Main Entry:
passive–aggressive
Function:
adjective
Date:
1946

: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)



Yes, it is, if you're avoiding confrontation but getting back getting back at him by "cutting him off" would be passive-aggressive.

 

[bulldoggy]

sex life is okay

okay my man and i have been together for a while, just recently married though.


Our sex life is okay for the most part. The one thing I would like to change is, he doesnt like to touch me....He likes to rub my body, grab my ass a bit and thats it. He won't go down on me, he bearly fingers me and thats when i begg for it. and its driving me nuts

is this just something I need to get use to? I knew when I first met him (4 years ago) that he wasn't much experienced but I'd figure by now he'd be comfortable enough to do these things with me.

or is it me? am I asking for to much? Should i be okay with the fact that this is the way its going to be a just learn to be okay with the sex we do have?

I'm confused and a hit hurt. I feel like i'm not what he really wanted and its driving me nuts

OK, as a guy, I didn't get really into going down on my wife until the past 2-3 years. I think it was that I just didn't know if/how I was any good at it or could make her cum Although, I've always LOVED the taste, smell, and having my face smack dab in the middle between a woman's legs. And bottom line is, that my wife NEVER aked for it either! So, It wasn't until I REALLY wanted and desired to give her the absolute BEST mind blowing orgasms of her life that I really spent time learning how to. I read, read, and read, mostly sites that women had written on technique to get better, and now she thinks I hung the moon! BUT, if she wouldn have asked me 7 years ago, what she wanted me to do, I WOULD have. The best thing to do is when you start making out, and getting into foreplay, the HOTTEST thing a girl can do is let her inhibitions go and TALK to her guy and direct the traffic you know? When you're hot and breathing heavy, and he's taking your panties off, keep in the groove and say, "I SOOOOOO want you to go down tonight, and make me cum all over your face...." that will get his attention, and if not, or if it's awkward at frst, don't get embarrased and just keep up the direction. Another thing to do, is turn him over, get on top of him, making him think you're going to ride him. Then before he can enter you, sneak up to the top and sit on his face. Use your fingers, spead your lips for him, and then you can move your clit when his tounge is and then YOU can control your own blowjob. After you cum, work back down to his cock, slide on top of him and then you can both cum again simultaneously. I guarantee you that once he see how much it excites you to the brink of sheer explosion, he'll get into it slowly but surely. Guide him, it's your body, teach him, and show him how much you love him for it. Personally I don't nearly enjoy a BJ as much as I like going down on her. If you really want him to see how, watch this lesson with him (best I've ever seen) http://www.youporn.com/watch/200577 Good luck!

 

[sexieyoungone]

you guys are great!

Thanks for all the great advice.....


UPDATE:

we fought for about 4 days because he did become defensive when he thought that I was attacking him instead of trying to find out the problem!!

so we fought, i cried, i reexplained the problem and why it made me feel so bad and he finally came down and told me that he just didn't know why he didn't, because he doesn't "get anything out of it" OMG!! I told him it wasn't about him, it was about the pleausre it gave me and all the wild things i would do to him if i was more turned on.

we're working on it. Its going to take sometime but he said he would work his way up to doing more to me, so that i'll start doing it to him again.

Thanks again for all your advice guys. I don't post much, but lurk alot and know you guys are a great bunch!

 

[DustyBT]

help??

I know this may not be helpful but, Have tried asking him to give you a massage with oil? Or help in the shower. These are both nice no pressure ways for contact that can (and have) lead to more intimate touching.

 

[bulldoggy]

Thanks for all the great advice.....


UPDATE:

we fought for about 4 days because he did become defensive when he thought that I was attacking him instead of trying to find out the problem!!

so we fought, i cried, i reexplained the problem and why it made me feel so bad and he finally came down and told me that he just didn't know why he didn't, because he doesn't "get anything out of it" OMG!! I told him it wasn't about him, it was about the pleausre it gave me and all the wild things i would do to him if i was more turned on.

we're working on it. Its going to take sometime but he said he would work his way up to doing more to me, so that i'll start doing it to him again.

Thanks again for all your advice guys. I don't post much, but lurk alot and know you guys are a great bunch!

Glad you're making progress. If he agreed to work on it, then you're well on your way! Dialogue and discussion is what's most important. Good luck!

 

[LFO]

Thanks for all the great advice.....


UPDATE:

we fought for about 4 days because he did become defensive when he thought that I was attacking him instead of trying to find out the problem!!

so we fought, i cried, i reexplained the problem and why it made me feel so bad and he finally came down and told me that he just didn't know why he didn't, because he doesn't "get anything out of it" OMG!! I told him it wasn't about him, it was about the pleausre it gave me and all the wild things i would do to him if i was more turned on.

we're working on it. Its going to take sometime but he said he would work his way up to doing more to me, so that i'll start doing it to him again.

Thanks again for all your advice guys. I don't post much, but lurk alot and know you guys are a great bunch!

Good to hear that! Once he sees what effect he has on you, he'll figure it out

 

[infinity706]

Ok, then the quid pro quo thing should work very well. "I'll suck your dick if you lick my cunt." sounds like it should take care of the not getting anything out of it issue. Also, 69 might be helpful. Some people have trouble concentrating with it, but it certainly does have the immediate reward factor.