As from the signature line you can see, I'm in a deeply committed relationship. I love him. He loves me.
I love pain. Period. I have yet to be pushed to my limits in past relationships and there's not much left on my list that's not checked off... A pain slave at heart.
He does not understand how pain can be pleasurable. He 'says' torture is torture and cannot be pleasurable.
I've tried talking. I've tried explaining. I've directly said that if you do this, than I will do this. I'm now at a loss as I've been trying these things for years now.
Meanwhile, while he says those things, there are time, though few and far between, that a very dominant side of him slips out. Even though I've encouraged those times, they remain few and far between. The ability and desire is there. I've seen and felt it.
The mind is not. How does one go about changing anothers point of view on something that they are so stubborn about?
Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to change him. I do not believe in changing peoples nature.
I've seen this in him. He has actively participated. Problem being he's always been a tad into his cups when this side of him has come out. When he is sober, he refuses to even acknowledge that is occurred. Considering how careful and gentle of a lover he is, there is no fear (or chance or hope) of things getting out of control.
I was once as stubborn about my denial to my inner desires, but overcame them myself when I realized that I needed to in order to be happiest. How does one 'help' another in this way? I have tools and toys that I've purchased or made myself (my favorite toy store is Home Depot). He's poked through my box of goodies but has yet to try all but 2 of the 'typical' toys.
I'm just so at a loss. There are so very many things I enjoy, that even though I am a slave deep down within the depths of my soul, the issue of not being his slave is not as big of a problem. As long as some of the things I enjoy are taken care of that is...
There's a fuckton of threads here with the same common theme. " I love him,but he doesn't know how to fuck me'' The opposite and inverse is true with male posters as well. In no way are you alone in this situation.
Of course there's frustration when one is invested into a committed relationship, only to discover their sexual tastes have either washed up on shore after they've unsuccessfully tried to drown them in a river of denial.........or they discover BDSM for the first time, then realize that kink is where they belong sexually.
In a sense of breaking it down and keeping it real........there's the following principle to consider.
Based on the premise that for every disappontment in life regarding those one has a longstanding, insightful backstory on in regards to what they can expect from another in action or thought.........the disappointed party is responsible for a large part of the disappointment, by having unrealistic expectations of the other party.
That's what you're doing.........expecting the largely unrealistic expectations to come true on the part of Dom acts/actions that you've had a small taste of thus far. The exception to the above is when he has his drink on and ''brought it'' like you wanted it. Bare in mind that those occurances were an alcohol-induced state of mind, something that doesn't really count as his normal M.O. one should expect outside the sober norm you've experienced before.
Looked at in a contextual sense........it's possible that you partner requires the alcohol in order to drop his inhibitions,thereby allowing himself to Dom up within scene,as he's not comfortable letting himself go just yet. If he is indeed ''Domly''..........he might could be educated to the fact that it's ok to ''hurt'' his partner in previously agreed upon ways via mutual desires expressed though a checklist. Then the comfort level will be hopefully be available sans the alcohol currently required to ''go there'' within sex or scene.
OTOH........could the alcohol be pinging his ''need to please'', along with dropping the inhibitions........then he's merely topping you to a higher intensity, with said acts and/or actions being based solely in truly pleasing the woman he feels guilty for most times disappointing sexually?
In any event........It's a tough spot you're in currently. As well as one that requires patience,communication,hard work and some hard decisions on your part if you finally decide the sexual relationship is never going to be as fulfilling as what you truly desire.
