help with not-yet-posted poem please?

[DarlingNikki]

I don't write much poetry and I wonder if someone can help me with the following poem in any way, particularly if you can let me know how it comes across to you. It's still VERY much in progress so don't hold back. I don't even have a title yet. Thanks for any help.

...

big bright black eyes and dirty skin
she eats an ice cream cone oblivious
while small hands reach out
onerupee onerupee
hello, onerupee

step out of plastic sandals
to worship with marigold petals
at the foot of Krishna Shiva Rama
this is your Karma
accept it

hot air and sweat
rattle over grimy tracks
chai chai chai at every station
old Auntie reaches out
smiles me a mango

milk for my baby
coins from your country
very best guide
you like henna tattoo
Psst. Fucking… fucking?

no mother no father no husband
trailing sadly through the market
yeah, me neither
that’s why I’m here
have another bhang lassi

white girl with dreads
where’s the sitar and the tabla
where’s Ravi Shankar
Where’s the real India

Psst. You’re soaking in it

 

[Angeline]

I love your poem!

What a wonderful revelation for the reader as for the somewhat detached narrator who discovers India is not a "concept," but what's all around her.

You poem "feels" right to me, by which I mean you conveyed the sights, sounds, and smells of the narrator's milieu. I think in poetry the impact is so much about well-placed details that do precisely what you've done here--put the reader into the world the poet created.

Now what I think your poem needs to really show you've done this is punctuation and different formatting. For example in your first stanza, you need to clarify that "she" (the one eating the ice cream, the outsider) is surrounded by the begging children. How? Maybe something like:

She eats an ice cream cone

oblivious

to the big bright black eyes
and the dirty skin
to small hands
reaching out

onerupee! onerupee!
hello? onerupee!

Unfortunately it's tough to show spacing here (also I suck at it, lol)

But see what I mean? I think those changes show the gulf between the visitor and the "real" India. Now Rybka--our resident fish--really understands this concept better than anyone else here. Look at this poem:

Copacetic Persuasion by Rybka

See how the format and punctuation bring the words to life? Hope you find this helpful. Let's see if we can get Rybka to add anything.

Hey R Y B K AAAAAAAAAAAAA. Come in here fishie and help!

 

[Rybka]

Word spacing in poems

Darling, PM me an e-mail address and I will e-mail you my spacing version of your poem in Word. (If you like it I will tell you how to make it look almost the same in HTML. It is very time consuming to adjust spacing to display properly on this website)

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Send it to me and I'll find a way of it showing up properly here. Everyone should see this.

 

[Angeline]

Gosh Rybka

all this time we've known each other and you never call me darling....

 

[Rybka]

Re: Gosh Rybka

all this time we've known each other and you never call me darling....

I would call you "Angel", but I fear you like the dreaded double L.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

How nice to come into a thread and find such a GOOD poem. I thoroughly enjoyed this one, DN. Now I'm looking forward to your next one. I really am. Is there next one? There'd better be.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

DarlingNikki's poem, as seen by Rybka (preliminary version):


http://www.boomspeed.com/laurenhynde/DarlingNikki.gif

 

[Rybka]

How did you do it so fast!!!

It took me all day to do my poem for posting, and it still wasn't perfect!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Screen capture. That's only an image.

 

[Rybka]

Screen capture. That's only an image.

How do you do that? Will it work for posting on the submission board?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Well, if you're using a PC with a Windows OS, you can simply hit shift+Print Screen (one of those keys between the numeric pad and the alphanumeric keyboard itself) and the content of your screen will be stored in the transfer area. Using an image editor (I use Photoshop), you can paste it into a new image and crop the excess. Convert to monochrome, save as .gif.

Should work for Lit, although it would have to be under Illustrated Poetry and, I imagine, something would have to be in regular text format...

 

[Rybka]

Word spacing in poems

Screen capture. That's only an image.

So O.K., What do you think of my spacing arrangement (as a starting point). The final spacing must depend upon how the author views the work.

Regards,                       Rybka