help with a story :)

[lucy9261]

hey, i have only written a little bit of this story, i know i need to expand on things such as the location e.t.c. this is purely the sex scene, it is between two people who love each other, and as an amature i was wondering if anyone would mind sparing a few mins to read my short entry and tell me what they think and how i can improve thank you so much for your help in advance! xx

<B>Entry</B>

I would sit you on my bed and gently begin to kiss your lips, running my hands through your hair as you run yours up my back, as we got more passionate I would push you back so you’re lying on my bed with me on top of you.
Slowly I would begin to pull your top of over your head, letting my lips leave yours only for a second before returning.
I would let my fingers run over your chest as you pulled my top of over my head and threw it to the side. Then I would begin to kiss your chest and neck moving upwards until I reach your ear, I would whisper to you that I loved you and gently nibble and lick your ear before moving back down your body and kissing your lips whilst un doing your trousers and pulling them of.

Then I would pull of my own so that I am only in my bra and thong and it would be obvious just how wet I am as I move my body over yours gently licking and kissing you all over, slowly moving towards your boxers and pulling them of but then moving away and back up to your lips kissing you as my nails run across your back gently digging in.

Then I would move my mouth up to your ear and whisper to you that I’m going suck your cock then move slowly down towards it and just gently begin to flick my tongue over your balls and kiss the head. Then I would slowly begin to run my tongue up and down your cock, just flicking it underneath across your most sensitive parts making you moan. Then I would take you into my mouth, making your cock really wet, looking into your eyes as my tongue circles around and around your cock, my head making a circular motion so that your cock slides around my mouth, as I begin to taste pre cum I would let your cock out of my mouth and undo my bra and throw it to the side,

I would lower one of my nipples to your mouth and tell you to lick and suck it, making it erect then do the same to the other, once satisfied I would move back down to your cock and take you back into my mouth sliding my tongue over the head of your cock twisting my head from side to side whist running my hand up your cock. Then I would once again start kissing and licking your balls then start licking the bit between your cock and your arse and then running my tongue over your arsehole. Then I would move back to your cock my tongue would flick to the underside of your cock, as I feel you trying to thrust into my mouth I’d move away and sit up, looking into your eyes and smiling, by this time I would be really horny, as I allow my hand to keep on stroking your cock, I would gently move my fingers down towards my pussy and start fingering myself with 2 of them as you watch, then I would take them out and make you lick them clean.

Slowly I would begin to move my slit across your cock, letting it rub my clit and push ever so slightly into my hole but then moving away, after a while of teasing you I would gently push just the head of your cock into my pussy, holding it there for a second I would pull of and do it again, each time allowing more and more of your cock into my pussy until finally I can feel all of your huge cock filling me up, then I would slowly begin to push up and down until I can feel you about to burst and I would start pushing your cock harder into my pussy then with all of your cock inside me I would start grinding my body leaning slightly forward and rubbing my pussy against your crotch then making circular motions until I feel you burst inside me, your hot cum filling up my pussy making me scream in pleasure as I tell you that I love you.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok, Lucy...

1. Your tense is always in the future. That's not a good place to begin. I find future tense, tedious when done correctly and difficult to write. This would read better in past tense. Instead of "I would..." (which your use repeticiouly, btw) you would say, "He did...

2. Your point of view is confusing. I'm not sure what it is but my impression is it changes, although it doesn't. It's just confused.

3. You are "telling the action, not showing it." When you show the action, you draw the reader in. How do you do that? Dialogue (which you don't use at all) is a good starting point. (Dialogue also lets to describe without using discriptions.) The problem is, the entire piece is a discription. There is no mental imagry at all.

4. From a technical standpoint, you have punctuation errors, run-on sentences and a few other things that a decent editor would help you with.

But those are the basic problems you have in this short piece. Don't be discouraged. Every writer here started out exactly where you are, luv.

If you want more, IM me.

JJ

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

IMO, There's nothing terribly wrong with the writing itself- but I'm not sure a few of the major artistic choices were for the best. From one amateur to another, here are my major suggestions:

(1) Stick to first or third person. Second person perspective is difficult enough for a seasoned author to use. And we aren't seasoned authors.

(2) Stick to past tense. This is the natural tense in which to tell a story, although present can also work.

There might be a few minor issues, but I think if you change the tense and perspective then the little things will fix themselves.

 

[Guest]

Jenny has it nailed. Exactly what I would say.

Keep at it, it's just fine, and ask someone to edit for you until you have more practice.

 

[Ike16948]

A dream or reality?

Jenny has it pinned, past tense is the most managemable. If it is reality, then we would assume that you are writting after the event not during.

If this is a dream then the actions will be futrure based but the dream again will be past tense. You started out on the bed. How did you get there? What are your thoughts as you seduce this person? Why did you decide to seduce this person? What is the relationship and where and when did it start? Not necessarily in that order.

Start in the middle, the bed, and fill in the history as you go along. Use thoughts, wishes and dialogue. The story will move more quickly and the reader will be drawn along. This could be the openning to an emtire novel, depending on how you address it.

Lastly, this is your story! Love it, grow with it and remember you are the last editor.

Luck,
Dwight

 

[SonOfEvil]

indeed, all the important points are mentioned already....I really like it nevertheless...although I would recommend to you to elaborate a lot more on setting, characters and a kind of a prologue maybe, so that everyone knows the beforegone actions and events....(or whatsoever: Englisch is kinda difficult to write )

which genre is that going to be? if you choose ROMANCE I would try to give the story something that makes it unique because I think a lot of the ROMANCE stories (too many as far as I'm concerned) take place in that way..just a bedroom scene..you have the potential to make it better than the majority, so try it


good luck from evil's son

 

[HappilyM]

Good start

If you are like me there is no polish on your story. Watch the "of" really suppose to be 'off'? Why polish when the delete button is so much of a possibility. I know the submitted piece will be grammatically superior.

Where is the taste and smell. More description on the taste of things. 'The roses on the nightstand filled the room. I tasted his masculine Old Spice Cologne'

'The feeling of his mouth on my tit made me (what) with (what). You need to add more feelings, not just he licked my tit I sucked his cock.

I am really trying not to be too critical. Just for me to be able to submerse myself into this very well started sex scene, I need to touch it, see it, smell it, hear it. Use all of your senses when writing and your readers will thank you for it. Just one writer's opinion. I am still trying to learn how to do this myself. Like I tell myself, keep writing it will get better.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Here's some help for you Lucy. try it something like this

I sat with you on my bed and gently kissed your lips. My hands moved through your hair as yours ran up and down my back. We became more passionate, and I pushed you back to lie on your back. I climbed on top of you.

I pulled your top over your head, letting my lips leave yours only for a second before returning.

My fingers ran over your chest. Your hands pulled my top off over my head and threw it to one side. I moved to kiss your chest and neck, then moved upwards until I reached your ear. I whispered to you, telling you how much I loved you. I gently nibbled and licked your ear before I moved back down your body and kissed your lips (how do you do that?). I unbuckled your belt and unzipped the fly. Then, I rose and pulled your trousers off.

I pulled of my own pants and was left only with my bra and thong. It was obvious just how wet I was. I moved my body over yours gently licking and kissing you all over. I slowly moved towards your boxers and pulled them off, then went back to your lips, kissing you as I ran my nails across your back, gently digging in.

Try something like that, Lucy. It's lots easier to write. Make the sentences short and concise. Put this in past tense and maintain the tense throughout. Weird thing about past tense, it shows action. Present tense promises action, but then you don't deliver. That loses you readers.

Good luck, luv