Help with 1st story - for V Day contest

[SweetMerry]

I'm submitting my first story to literotica for the V-Day contest and would really appreciate and editor's eye on it before it goes in.

I'm looking for advice on sentence structure (run ons?), and to make sure I'm keeping my tense consistent through out. I would also love to hear any feed back on the "flow" of the story, and if my characters are properly developed. I know that it's not going to be perfect, and that's not what I'm looking to achieve here. I'm just looking to hear what a more experienced writer thinks of it in general, and to hear any specific ideas about improving my work.

The story is MF, with a non-human fantasy theme (elven.) It's fairly romantic and told mainly from the woman's point of view. There are overtones of the discomfort of first time, though the main character isn't a virgin. It's about 6,000 words, and I'm hoping to be able to submit it for the contest, which stops accepting submissions on February 5th.

EDIT: Oh, and I wrote it in Open Office, so it should be compatible with Word.

Thanks for your time.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi SweetMerry,

I can have a look over your V-Day story if you like. I confess I had a quick peek at one of your posted poems just now. I really liked The Kiss. You have a good ear for rhythm and for word choice. If you can do that in your prose you're going to do well in the contest.

FYI - I'm a fella, but a goodly portion of my Lit stories are written from a woman's POV. Some say they're my better ones. Not sure what that means about my mental health. I'm also a fantasy/non-human fan, so seems you and I have a tidy overlap.

Shoot me a private message if you'd like me to help.

Best,

-Paco

 

[SweetMerry]

Thanks, Paco, I'll PM you.

 

[PacoFear]

Good timing, Merry. I'm a captive audience at the 'mo. Doing laundry. The last thing I remember was my wife twitching her nose, then she kissed my neck, then everything went fuzzy. When the fog cleared, I was pre-treating something. Damned her feminine wiles.

She's working upstairs and daytime TV stinks.

Bring on your naughty!

-Paco

 

[SweetMerry]

Okeedokee, message sent.

 

[PacoFear]

Story returned to author with edits and comments.

 

[sillypanda]

Good luck SweetMerry! I recently submitted my first story as well - I look forward to reading yours!