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Hello, fellow poets!

I'm looking for any advice regarding the poem below. I don't have a title for it yet, and like the similar sounding rhymes thrown in, but it needs a lot of chopping in my opinion. It may sound a little odd to most, and kind of story-like. I can deal with story-like if it's cut down, but I'm really having a hard time with this one. So, um, help!! If it's that horrible, and not worth it, simple say "Don't submit, saldne!!!"

Thank you ahead of time :rose:


It didn’t take her long
To open up,
Communicate
About the pain
She endured
Since the day
She was born
To a man
That came across
As the boy next door.

Her inner pain
Was immense,
But she’d smile
And pretend
All was well,
But quickly change,
And want to rip
His loving heart
From his chest.

Insecure
For many years,
Hating her appearance,
Breaking mirrors
From the rage
Didn’t make things better.

His love ran deep
So it seemed
With complimenting words
She hadn’t heard
Or ever dreamt
In her sleep.

She started to believe
Someday
He may get down
On one knee,
Having no inhibitions
The first time in her life,
And making love
Felt like
She already was his wife.

He’d make her high
With his words,
“I’m so complete
And satisfied”
Which made her smile
And feel secure
Until she found
His stack of porn,
Then said goodbye
To all his lies;
Back to feeling
Insecure.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
saldne said:
Hello, fellow poets!

I'm looking for any advice regarding the poem below. I don't have a title for it yet, and like the similar sounding rhymes thrown in, but it needs a lot of chopping in my opinion. It may sound a little odd to most, and kind of story-like. I can deal with story-like if it's cut down, but I'm really having a hard time with this one. So, um, help!! If it's that horrible, and not worth it, simple say "Don't submit, saldne!!!"

Thank you ahead of time :rose:


It didn’t take her long
To open up,
Communicate
About the pain
She endured
Since the day
She was born
To a man
That came across
As the boy next door.

Her inner pain
Was immense,
But she’d smile
And pretend
All was well,
But quickly change,
And want to rip
His loving heart
From his chest.

Insecure
For many years,
Hating her appearance,
Breaking mirrors
From the rage
Didn’t make things better.

His love ran deep
So it seemed
With complimenting words
She hadn’t heard
Or ever dreamt
In her sleep.

She started to believe
Someday
He may get down
On one knee,
Having no inhibitions
The first time in her life,
And making love
Felt like
She already was his wife.

He’d make her high
With his words,
“I’m so complete
And satisfied”
Which made her smile
And feel secure
Until she found
His stack of porn,
Then said goodbye
To all his lies;
Back to feeling
Insecure.

S...

try not to chop these into too small of a line..blend them..

It didn’t take her long
Opening up, communicating
easily to a man posed
as the boy next door.
Relating pain endured,
Its first breath at birth.

just a fast thought.. do with it what you want.. good luck.. I have a few I am doing the same with as we speak. I do really like the theme of the work.. hope, then slamming doors because of her lack of doing what he did for her.. listening.....
Du Lac~
 
Du Lac said:
S...

try not to chop these into too small of a line..blend them..

It didn’t take her long
Opening up, communicating
easily to a man posed
as the boy next door.
Relating pain endured,
Its first breath at birth.

just a fast thought.. do with it what you want.. good luck.. I have a few I am doing the same with as we speak. I do really like the theme of the work.. hope, then slamming doors because of her lack of doing what he did for her.. listening.....
Du Lac~

Thanks, Du Lac. I'm trying to keep the "ing" out of this. I do like how you played around with the words though. Love the last 3 lines. Thank you for your time, which is greatly appreciated :)
 
Du Lac said:
S...

try not to chop these into too small of a line..blend them..

It didn’t take her long
Opening up, communicating
easily to a man posed
as the boy next door.
Relating pain endured,
Its first breath at birth.

just a fast thought.. do with it what you want.. good luck.. I have a few I am doing the same with as we speak. I do really like the theme of the work.. hope, then slamming doors because of her lack of doing what he did for her.. listening.....
Du Lac~


I haven't really had time to read too far into the poem (I have no free time these days).... But another fast thought... I actually disagree with Du-Lac. With the short lines throughout the first and second stanzas(from 'to open up' to 'And want to rip') have a very good flow... the 2-3-4 syllable lines seem like little mouthfuls and they go down very easily... they also provide a very clear and constant tempo... and the slightly longer opening and closing lines stand out, as openings and closings. Its only my opinion, but I would actually recommend cutting down some of the lines in 3rd, 4th and 5th standards to keep the constant pace.
 
Trent_Dutch said:
I haven't really had time to read too far into the poem (I have no free time these days).... But another fast thought... I actually disagree with Du-Lac. With the short lines throughout the first and second stanzas(from 'to open up' to 'And want to rip') have a very good flow... the 2-3-4 syllable lines seem like little mouthfuls and they go down very easily... they also provide a very clear and constant tempo... and the slightly longer opening and closing lines stand out, as openings and closings. Its only my opinion, but I would actually recommend cutting down some of the lines in 3rd, 4th and 5th standards to keep the constant pace.

I agree with it helping out with the flow. Just want to chop, chop, chop. :)

I will look into the 3rd, 4th and 5th. Thank you kindly, sal
 
Trent_Dutch said:
I haven't really had time to read too far into the poem (I have no free time these days).... But another fast thought... I actually disagree with Du-Lac. With the short lines throughout the first and second stanzas(from 'to open up' to 'And want to rip') have a very good flow... the 2-3-4 syllable lines seem like little mouthfuls and they go down very easily... they also provide a very clear and constant tempo... and the slightly longer opening and closing lines stand out, as openings and closings. Its only my opinion, but I would actually recommend cutting down some of the lines in 3rd, 4th and 5th standards to keep the constant pace.
And I disagree with TD-- I think DuLac's suggestions regarding the flow work better. I like the short, simple thoughts, but the bites are currently too staccato for my taste. I would let the images drive the line length rather than syllable count.
 
saldne said:
Hello, fellow poets!

I'm looking for any advice regarding the poem below. I don't have a title for it yet, and like the similar sounding rhymes thrown in, but it needs a lot of chopping in my opinion. It may sound a little odd to most, and kind of story-like. I can deal with story-like if it's cut down, but I'm really having a hard time with this one. So, um, help!! If it's that horrible, and not worth it, simple say "Don't submit, saldne!!!"

Thank you ahead of time :rose:

I don't always jump in on these threads, but something struck me about this one...so, here I am. <g> Anyways...I tried to shorten up while keeping the thread of the story (as I saw/read it) and your phrasing of things. Hope it helps...
*****

Insecure,
she hated her appearance,
she'd smile and pretend all was well,
but her inner pain was immense.

broken-mirror rage didn't help

But then he was there...
a man who came across
as the boy next door...
and she opened up,
communicated,
about the pain.

It didn't take long.
His love ran deep, so it seemed,
full of complimenting words
she hadn't heard or
dreamt of.

"I'm so complete and satisfied."

Such a high,
she believed that someday
he may
get down on one knee,
With no inhibitions
for the first time in her life,
she made love like
she was already his wife.

Which made her smile
until she found his stack of porn.
Then she said goodbye
to all of his lies;
and found she was still
Insecure.




(edited for tense)
 
Last edited:
saldne said:
Thanks, Du Lac. I'm trying to keep the "ing" out of this. I do like how you played around with the words though. Love the last 3 lines. Thank you for your time, which is greatly appreciated :)


Ahhh...no "ing"...gotcha...

*heading off to revise something*
 
That was great, Remec. I like how you moved around my stanzas.

Thanks for taking the time :rose:
 
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