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Guest
Guest
Hello, fellow poets!
I'm looking for any advice regarding the poem below. I don't have a title for it yet, and like the similar sounding rhymes thrown in, but it needs a lot of chopping in my opinion. It may sound a little odd to most, and kind of story-like. I can deal with story-like if it's cut down, but I'm really having a hard time with this one. So, um, help!! If it's that horrible, and not worth it, simple say "Don't submit, saldne!!!"
Thank you ahead of time
It didn’t take her long
To open up,
Communicate
About the pain
She endured
Since the day
She was born
To a man
That came across
As the boy next door.
Her inner pain
Was immense,
But she’d smile
And pretend
All was well,
But quickly change,
And want to rip
His loving heart
From his chest.
Insecure
For many years,
Hating her appearance,
Breaking mirrors
From the rage
Didn’t make things better.
His love ran deep
So it seemed
With complimenting words
She hadn’t heard
Or ever dreamt
In her sleep.
She started to believe
Someday
He may get down
On one knee,
Having no inhibitions
The first time in her life,
And making love
Felt like
She already was his wife.
He’d make her high
With his words,
“I’m so complete
And satisfied”
Which made her smile
And feel secure
Until she found
His stack of porn,
Then said goodbye
To all his lies;
Back to feeling
Insecure.
I'm looking for any advice regarding the poem below. I don't have a title for it yet, and like the similar sounding rhymes thrown in, but it needs a lot of chopping in my opinion. It may sound a little odd to most, and kind of story-like. I can deal with story-like if it's cut down, but I'm really having a hard time with this one. So, um, help!! If it's that horrible, and not worth it, simple say "Don't submit, saldne!!!"
Thank you ahead of time

It didn’t take her long
To open up,
Communicate
About the pain
She endured
Since the day
She was born
To a man
That came across
As the boy next door.
Her inner pain
Was immense,
But she’d smile
And pretend
All was well,
But quickly change,
And want to rip
His loving heart
From his chest.
Insecure
For many years,
Hating her appearance,
Breaking mirrors
From the rage
Didn’t make things better.
His love ran deep
So it seemed
With complimenting words
She hadn’t heard
Or ever dreamt
In her sleep.
She started to believe
Someday
He may get down
On one knee,
Having no inhibitions
The first time in her life,
And making love
Felt like
She already was his wife.
He’d make her high
With his words,
“I’m so complete
And satisfied”
Which made her smile
And feel secure
Until she found
His stack of porn,
Then said goodbye
To all his lies;
Back to feeling
Insecure.
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