Help w/ my bukkake story

[Horny_Little_Cumslut]

well, this is what i have so far...
It is a Saturday night during my senior year of high school. I’m dressing myself up for a party Greg is having – it’s not suppose to be big, only 20 or so people, but it will be fun. I put on a tight little black tank top and black spandexy pants. Underneath I have a black bra, a little small for my 34B chest and some pink panties. I wear my hair back in a tight ponytail, it is brown and shoulder length. I wear a deep green lipstick with some glitter to complement my green eyes. Finally I leave for Greg’s house but when I get there it does not look like a party is going on. I go into the house and find Greg and seven other guys, most of whom I already know. “Party’s canceled – neighbor found out and called my parents” stated Greg sullenly. Apparently everyone left for another party across town – I was the only girl staying. So I settled down next to Greg and was introduced to the guys I didn’t know. In all there was Tom, two Alex’s, Andrew, Dave, Charlie, Paul and Greg and myself. It was then I noticed on the TV screen a girl was being pounded from behind while she sucked a cock with a lot of men standing around jerking off. “Can we turn this off” I ask. A resounding chorus of ‘No’ and ‘boo’ quickly followed. ‘Whatever’ I think, I can watch porn tonight, it’s not like I find it disgusting. Truthfully I have my own at home and sometimes watch it when I get tired of using the showerhead for masturbating. After about ten minutes the guys notice that I’m actually watching the porn, and not turning away. Of course this led to some jests being aimed at me.
“Man, she must really love cock”
“I knew she was a slut”
“She can’t take her eyes of the screen!”
Guys who were all beating off, cumming all over her now surrounded the girl in the porn. Little did any of the guys know that I had something like this on my tape and secretly wished I could be the center girl. After the girl was literally drenched in jism, the scene switched to two girl licking a cock. I guess my focus on the bukkake was noticed because now the guys really laid it on me.
“Hey, want to come over here and get some of that babe?”
“Feel like getting yourself some of that Mel?”
“Come to my place later, I help you out with that staring problem you have”
Thinking to myself that I was the only girl and had 8 guys with me, it could be my chance to live out my fantasy. So I called the guys bluffs.
“Actually, I think I need all you guys to help me out with this”
“Uh, yeah okay”
“Fuck you, tease”
“Sure sweetcakes, sure”
“No, I’m serious- it’s obvious you all have raging hard-ons, and you seem to want to do it”
The room grew silent as they began to think I was serious. Obviously they needed some more evidence before they would commit so I got up and kneeled in the center of the room.
“I’m serious, come on!”
By now the guys were looking at each other with wide eyes.
“You’re shitting us” said Tom. Looking right at him I peel off my tank top, showing the guys a lot of cleavage from my tiny bra. They obviously picked up right then how serious I was. Tom and the two Alex’s were first up, quickly followed by the rest.


This is based on an actual bukkake I was in, so I don't need help writing the rest..i would like some help with making it sexier and more grasping...if anyone can help that'd be great thx =)

(btw, this is my 1st story)

 

[hardcock30m]

I like what you have so far

I would like to help you complete this story.

e-mail me hardcock30m@yahoo.com and tell me what you think should be in the story.

gary

 

[margo_x_x]

It appears that everything that turns you on would have me heading for the door. That makes it hard for me to judge the erotic value of your story.

I can give you my opinion of the story, however.

First, it doesn't ring true. I'm not saying it didn't happen, I'm saying whether it happened or not, is irrelevant. It is supposed to be a story, not a police report.

I'll call the girl in the story “Sweetcakes,” since she was identified as such once, and was “I” the rest of the time.

Okay, we have eight guys and sweetcakes. Imagine the possibilities.

There are only two possibilities:
1. We aim for pure smut and describe all the gory details. Every splattering glob is described in loving detail; we are shown every bulging vein, and every tightening scrotum. It's intent is to arouse the reader and nothing else. There's nothing wrong with pure smut, it's a solid part of Literotica. Writing pure smut isn't as easy as it sounds.
2. Aim for a story that's a story. Have real people, with personalities, thoughts, apprehensions, reasons for what they're doing, and reactions to what happens.

I couldn't identify with anyone in the story. The guys were just props, and sweetcakes seemed like an automaton.

What was she thinking? Was she afraid to be surrounded by eight horny men? Did she feel like a queen bee, the center of attention? Did she get off? How?

If you tell a story from a first person perspective, you can't tell the reader what the other people are thinking. You have to use their dialog to give us an idea what's going on in their heads. Conversely, you can tell everything about the narrator. Her thoughts, feelings, and even visual clues she might pick up of what the guys are feeling and thinking.

Telling stories from first person can be a bitch. You wind up with huge blocks of unbroken explanation and it's daunting to read. You need to break it up with dialog, but make sure the dialog either tells us something about the speaker or moves the story along.

It may sound funny, but I think you should rewrite an expanded version of this story from the boy's perspective. Let them describe how she looks, how she shocks them by watching the porn with interest, how she call's them on their bravado and challenges them to “come and get it.” You might not want to leave it like that, but you'd have a lot more ammo for the girl's POV revision.