help to initiate foursome

[curiouser22]

so i'm a young gal in her twenties and i'm in a committed relationship with a very lovely man. we've been serious for about five months and dating for eight, and i couldn't be happier. we're very open and communicative, have built a lot of trust and understanding, and we have really great sex.

however, recently, i was propositioned by a friend of mine to have my bf and myself join her and her husband for some play time.

i've never really done anything sexual with a woman, and i've never been involved in a group sex situation, and i find them both very attractive, so i'm all for it. i at least want to try it once and see how it goes. i've made out with a lot of my friends over the years and i've always found girls attractive, so i'm certainly curious to see what this situation would be like.

my boyfriend isn't as enthusiastic about it. the dear said he'd think about it, but i discussed this with him several days ago, and he hasn't brought it up since. i was honest with him in saying that it was something i was eager to try, but that if he adamantly opposed the idea, i would absolutely respect his wishes.

with him not prompting further discussion, though, i'm wondering if i should talk to him about it again, or just wait for him to come around and tell me what he thinks of it on his own? could i have gone about it another way to make him more comfortable or open to the idea?

he's told me once before that he's made out with a few of his good male friends, as well, but that it was a phase that "wasn't for him", so i wonder also if maybe i caught him too late past his experimental phase...

anyone have any experience with this that would like to give a few pointers? the idea of trying something this new is very fun and exciting to me, and i want to explore a new part of my sexuality, but i really want to make sure my boy is on the same page. i don't think sex should ever be emotionally uncomfortable for someone.

anyway, any help is appreciated. thank you!

-curiouser

 

[Hypoxia]

My first: My partner and I were in our early 20s and we had high school friends, an 18-year-old couple. We all just wanted to fuck, and we did. No hesitations.

My second: My partner and I and another couple were in our early 20s (a couple years later). Three of us had been friends in high school in California. The fourth was from England, and she initiated the sharing. Again, no hesitations.

My third: I was in my mid-20s, attending a music festival. I found a temporary partner, and we found another ad-hoc couple, and we shared. None of us had histories together.

Those were some of my foursomes that worked. Other proposed groupings didn't happen, because we all just didn't click. If any of the possible participants aren't willing, aren't readily persuadable, then the grouping won't happen.

My take on your situation: You get to choose between your BF and a 4-some. If you want to keep the BF, you'll skip the fuckfest. If you want the 4-some, you may need a new BF.

 

[littlecordelera]

My husband and I have an open marriage and I have met many couples in this lifestyle. So with that said, please understand that if you are on here asking, then your relationship with your BF is not deep enough for you two to be playing around with others. I don't mean to come across as presumptuous, but a relationship strong enough for this sort of thing would already have all the communication in place for each partner to know exactly how the other feels about something like this.

My recommendation is that you stay away from the 4-some, since your BF has not expressed an interest. Also, let me warn you that if you keep talking about it he may do it in an effort to please you. That could turn out very badly.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[amofiga]

My husband and I have an open marriage and I have met many couples in this lifestyle. So with that said, please understand that if you are on here asking, then your relationship with your BF is not deep enough for you two to be playing around with others. I don't mean to come across as presumptuous, but a relationship strong enough for this sort of thing would already have all the communication in place for each partner to know exactly how the other feels about something like this.

My recommendation is that you stay away from the 4-some, since your BF has not expressed an interest. Also, let me warn you that if you keep talking about it he may do it in an effort to please you. That could turn out very badly.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

What an exellent response that went right to the heart of the matter. Bravo!

 

[curiouser22]

I don't think I communicated myself properly the first time. This is not the kind of thing that could break our relationship. It's about my wanting to try something new and different with my partner. We are and always have been very open with each other. I guess I just find it hard to believe that all of the responses I've received thus far have been so negative. Have you all really never been prompted with an opportunity that you had to think about and reflect on before making a decision?

He wasn't AS enthusiastic as I was at our initial conversation, but he didn't outright say "no", either, even making a joke after having a few minutes to digest the concept about having sent my friend who initiated the whole thing a friend request. I imagine that of the roles were reversed and a friend of his had prompted him into initiating a foursome, I would have been rather taken aback, as well.

We aren't necessarily a "vanilla" couple, participating in our own kinks and sometimes discovering new ones together. So this really isn't out of the realm of possibility. I was merely looking for guidance as to how to proceed because this is a much greater sexual endeavor than I've ever participated in first hand and I know it's a first for him as well. This is not about choosing a foursome over my relationship or whether or not my relationship is strong enough to handle this and it's not about our communication skills or lack thereof. It's about an opportunity knocking at a door I didn't even really know I had. It's about wanting to try new things for myself and to make my partner happy. Which is why I want to handle it all with respect and understanding while still being able to express what I want as well.

I feel as though I should also mention that because of my work schedule, we often only get to see each other on the weekends, which usually limits us to digital communication until we are able to speak face to face. So, once again, just because he hasn't leapt on the bandwagon doesn't mean he feels offended or pressured so much that he'd leave me if I asked again. He is an incredible man and he would give me the moon if I asked for it which is why, I stress, I want to make sure he's taken care of. I don't think in a thousand years either of us would have fathomed this proposition coming our way, and I had a lot more time to think about it on my own before I asked him, so I can't blame him for wanting time to imagine the scenario.

But if the general consensus is that I should just give up and never mention it again or just get a new boyfriend, then I may have to seek advice elsewhere.

I don't need relationship counseling, I just need a way to initiate conversation about something intimate, unexpected, and far fetched with someone I love dearly and want to accommodate for while also expressing my own curiosities and desires without pressing so hard as to elicit a placating response.

I don't believe the fact that my bf would bite the bullet for me and go for it just because I asked in earnest is a bad thing, because he cares a lot about me and my happiness. Just as I would sacrifice for him if he asked it of me. But I'd rather we explore the boundaries together. To try just once. And clearly if either of is were made uncomfortable, it would end immediately. We really do care for one another. This one just came out of nowhere and I think it's a lot to chew on for us both. But if I have up on everything that was difficult or daunting, if have killed myself years ago. I don't know, maybe I just needed a place to rant it out.

 

[bailadora]

But if the general consensus is that I should just give up and never mention it again or just get a new boyfriend, then I may have to seek advice elsewhere.

This is the place to ask advice if you want honest answers, not validation of an agenda. People here try to be as helpful as possible, but if they see pitfalls an OP may not be aware of, they're going to point them out. Or, if they think an idea is a bad one altogether, they'll voice that as well.

For what it's worth, I do think you are trying to be respectful of your BF. But I also think the fact that you've twice mentioned his enthusiasm was significantly less than yours is a bit of a red flag, and may be the reason you're being advised to tread with caution by people who have been in a similar situation.

That's my take, anyway.

 

[Que]

This exchange reminds of the adage: "Beware of giving advice, the wise don't need it, the foolish won't heed it."

Since the you DID actually ASK for advice, the responses seemed to me to be fairly thoughtful in expressing possible concerns.

It is true you aren't asking IF you should do this, just HOW to make it happen, perhaps the advice given wasn't tailored to the positive reinforcement of your apparent mindset.

We all like to be told that our flights of fancy are all destined for success.

I wasn't planning on responding myself as I don't have any first hand knowledge of going through with threesomes or more-somes. I was married a long time and we TALKED about the what-ifs often. We always came back to, not worth the risks outlined by others above. Would it have hurt anything? Can't say. We weren't exactly prudes. We were, at the peak of our marriage, semi-prolific bloggers specifically sharing intimate details of our actual play as well as out musings as you have here.

There's a radio shrink I used to listen to, Dr. Jenn Berman. She seemed to field a version of this question often. Her advice seemed to be consistently opposed to opening up a committed relationship because it is so hard to close that door later if need be. Maybe the first couple goes GREAT. Maybe he suggests a less compatible couple next time, and so on.

This advice seems to go out to those couples that HAD an exciting relationship that is now lagging and they are looking to "spice it up."

She also suggests that the time for such wild couplings and combinations are when one is free and young and still looking to find out what is a good fit.

Your relationship is fairly new. The fact that you CAN even bring it up, sounds pretty positive. Lots of LONG term partners come here and elsewhere with questions that beg the advice TALK to you partner.

I don't think anyone here will be gleeful if you try it and it all ends in tears. I and I am sure everyone wishes you the best. If you have the "balls" to persist with him, most likely you will find him in a horny and agreeable move at some point. I think this early on, you don't yet have those "violate the sanctity of our relationship" sort of concerns. It does set a pretty high bar for kink. Obviously be a memorable adventure for you as a couple if it comes to pass, or individually if for other reasons you look back fondly at this as a stepping stone relationship. I doubt you try it, and break up the next day sort of peril, but it is an unconventional step in any relationship, and hardcore kinks ters KNOW what they are talking about regarding unexpected complications.

To your original question: HOW to get him on board. I had a roommate that always said "An erection has no conscience." I wouldn't wheedle...I doubt you would. I would bring it up during sexy play as a "fantasy" ONLY. Do NOT get his agreement and make specific plans EXCEPT in the cold light of day.

It SOUNDED like your expectation is that everyone plays with everyone. If that IS right...that means you and your friend HAD to have discussed the "what-ifs" about man-man stuff. True or not, HE surely wonders, and even IF he has some leanings that way, he has said "not for me" meaning he at minimum wouldn't be comfortable having that as an expectation, may be uncomfortable about your friends.

I'd start in fantasy mode about fictional couples...what sort of pairings and combinations is he comfortable with. Like that.

Once you feel you KNOW his boundaries don't encroach on them. Then discuss the 'what-ifs" in the sense of how does he see it progressing from drinks with a couple to what? Full play probably not. Maybe a little same room stay with your own partner stuff...dip a toe in the water...

I doubt this is a limited time offer with your friends. If they are YOUR friends, arrange safe, public get-togethers to make him feel included in the non-sexy part of the friendship.

Anyway, that's my 4 and 1/2 cents.

My limited experience with the downside: I had a very compatible FWB. I was in her town a couple times a month. Clearly OK that she can (and should) find her own fun when I am not around. She's young, fun, adventurous...I liked all that about her. She developed a fascination with threesomes. She mentioned a friend that she wanted to include with us. It took a while to realize I already knew the friend as well. The girl is every man's dream 3rd wheel, but regularly takes pretty extreme risks in her day to day life. I don't want my kids to read about their dad being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was young and single and childless, I would have been in.

At one point I was in town, she saw me engaged in a pretty intense conversation with an unrelated friend of ours and to her eye, she assumed I had a pick-up sold. I knew that that was more a long-term maybe, not a let's go tonight. Meanwhile she made arrangements for her, the friend, and a near stranger, just to fill out the trio. I WAS scheduled to nap on her couch before heading home. It wasn't certain or expected we would have time or energy to play. She assured me that I was still welcome to bed down at her place and her trio were going elsewhere to play.

Even in such a casual relationship, the whole thing smarted. I said so. (smart move was just play it cool). It essentially ended a pretty good thing we had going. Even when I realized that the butt-hurt on my part was unwarranted, and said so, it still wasn't recoverable.

My point is: It doesn't take much at all when feelings are involved.....and they always are.

Best of luck however this plays out. I'd love to hear how this plays out even if it is you explore concerns with him and determine it isn't for this relationship.

I DON'T think you just suppress. Keep talking, don't press.

 

[curiouser22]

Query: thank you for your advice. That really was all I was asking for. Leaning into fantasy first is just absolutely perfect. I hadn't really thought about that as a tactic. I know that if I had been prompted in such a way, I probably would have loved to get a bit of fantasy time in to think about it.

I would never ever cross a boundary he set. But I want to make sure of the boundaries are, rather than assuming what they are. That's all I was trying to accomplish in asking for advice. So thank you for taking that into consideration.

Bailadora: if I had been given the opportunity to move us both to China, all expenses paid, and when prompted he didn't jump on the ball right away, I wouldn't drop the subject all together, I would want to know his hesitations and concerns so we could talk them out without him feeling pressured simply because I was eager. That's all.

 

[amofiga]

OK, back again after reading a few more responses. Some extra thoughts for curiousor22.

At first I was going to say that if it took as much soul searching to arrive at a decision about the little adventure you seek, it's probably not a good idea. In general, I think those who are up for threesomes or foursomes will be ready to jump at the opportunity. That's not to say that it will all work out and everything will be as you want it to be in your fantasy.

I've only had one threesome in my life. When the opportunity was presented by a lady friend I had at the time, I jumped on it like a hungry dog. Sad to say, it did not "orchestrate" the way I would have liked it to. It was hot and erotic in its own way, but not the porno movie thing I hoped it would be. In the weeks that followed, it created some strange feelings and tension between my lady friend and I and eventually we just called it quits. It was NOT because of "jealousy" or anything like that, but just because the original dynamic we had changed, and not necessarily for the better. We saw some things in each other that neither of us particularly liked.

Be careful messing around with such adventures unless you are ready for it to cause permanent changes you might not expect. Group sex can reveal things about yourself and your participants that you might not like.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Based on experience in a sharing relationship, here is how I would approach it. Some evening, when you and partner are both comfortable and together, bring the subject up again and talk about it. Tell him you're interested in it, but only if he is comfortable with it, and then walk through the possible scenarios of a foursome and see if any of them appeal to him.

1. Is he attracted to and compatible with him and her? (It is quite possible that, despite being civil, he does not like one of them, but just hasn't told you that. Open it up to let him do so safely.)

2. Is he bisexual or willing to engage in bisexual acts? Incidental touching, deliberate touching, hand sex, oral sex, intercourse. It my experience, it is the bisexual element of threesomes or foursomes that hang up most men. However, moving through it is pretty simple - just no male-to-male sexual contact. This also holds for females as well - contrary to the modern media bisexual bombardment, there are plenty of women who just have no interest in having sex with another woman.

3. Discuss other limits that might be causing hesitation.

4. Then, talk about who scenario you'll both find pleasurable. A foursome doesn't necessarily mean "all parties fucking all parties", it can be as simple as two couples sharing a bed, each making love to their partner, while the other couple watches.

Then, if you are able to settle on a scenario that works, you will want to sit down with the other couple and have the same conversation. (One of the best foursomes I was involved with was myself, my girlfriend at the time, my best friend and his girlfriend - and there were definitely lines we didn't cross.)

You may find, in the course of the conversation, that this particular foursome won't work. Or, you may find that once the hesitation is discussed, you can work out a constellation of lovers that does.

Spontaneous group sex does happen, usually involving couples who are already very comfortable with the practices who meet. But, for the most part, in my experience, planned group sex is best for those first key experiences. My introduction to group sex, many years ago, was through a gradual process - one on one, then threesome (MFF), and then the gradual introduction of the other male as I became comfortable with it. So, go easy, take your time, and have fun.

 

[curiouser22]

Thanks to those of you who offered viable advice for the situation. It helped put my mind at ease and made the discussion a lot smoother.

I went into it asking him if he wanted to talk about it again, fully willing to dismiss it if he wasn't prone to discussing the idea a second time, and he responded without even so much as a breath's hesitation, "There's a reason I didn't flat-out say 'no'."

He was incredibly open about what his boundaries would be and what he hoped the experience would add to our relationship, and then went on to try to soothe my own hesitations. The next time we see my friends, we'll be having a group discussion to line it all out and just put everything on the table. If everyone jives with everyone else, we'll go for it, and if it doesn't meet what we're comfortable with, then we are content in the thought that we tried.

So, for anyone else who may read this looking for their own advice in the future: a partner's initial hesitation towards a new sexual experience does not mean "No, how dare you ask me once, much less ask me again" and just because you want to try something different and your partner has inhibitions, it doesn't mean that you're an awful person for trying to initiate communication, nor that you'll just have to resort to finding yourself a new partner simply because they didn't react with "ooh yeah, honey baby, that's the sexiest thing i've ever heard, let's just start right now!"

the open communication was actually really easy and comfortable, so to the person who told me that my relationship was not solid enough for something like this, i just have to ha-ha.

we may not be the old married couple who's spent so much time with one another that we can tell what every sigh and eyeroll means, but we are mature adults with a lot of respect and care for one another, and we've put a lot of emphasis on honesty within our relationship.

i'm excited to see where this goes, if anywhere, but i'll be sure to write an update if we do move forward with this endeavor.

once again, big thanks to the couple of you who looked at this objectively and actually offered usable advice. discussing the fantasy end of it all initiated some fantastic sex last night-- so if nothing else, we now have that.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Having a fantasy that feels reasonable but is not shared by your partner is challenging. I read the as much as "He should want this . . . and if he tries it, I'll bet he'll like it . . ."

Sounds as if same room sex is the way to start. And, in this age of the internet, that could include cam-to-cam sex with the other couple. Might be a good way to introduce your bf to the idea without crossing any lines.

 

[curiouser22]

It's all right, y'all can stop putting words in my mouth and actions in my bones, now. As previously mentioned, we've discussed this idea at length a second time and he is, yes let me repeat, he IS willing AND eager to get started with the next step. I'm not forcing him to try something he doesn't want, I didn't guilt him into trying something he doesn't want, and I'm not sacrificing his needs for something I want. I have never said that he should want this or that I think he'll like it when he tries it. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WILL LIKE IT IF/WHEN WE TRY IT. It's just something to talk out and possibly take action with. I don't feel inclined to leave my boyfriend if he doesn't like it or if he changes his mind, I'm not going to cheat on him because the sexual aspect of a foursome is not as appealing to me as my relationship being taken care of is.

Have I finally put you all to rest yet it should I reiterate another handful of times?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

It's all right, y'all can stop putting words in my mouth and actions in my bones, now. As previously mentioned, we've discussed this idea at length a second time and he is, yes let me repeat, he IS willing AND eager to get started with the next step. I'm not forcing him to try something he doesn't want, I didn't guilt him into trying something he doesn't want, and I'm not sacrificing his needs for something I want. I have never said that he should want this or that I think he'll like it when he tries it. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WILL LIKE IT IF/WHEN WE TRY IT. It's just something to talk out and possibly take action with. I don't feel inclined to leave my boyfriend if he doesn't like it or if he changes his mind, I'm not going to cheat on him because the sexual aspect of a foursome is not as appealing to me as my relationship being taken care of is.

Have I finally put you all to rest yet it should I reiterate another handful of times?

LOL - duly noted, by me, anyway.

As for suggestions concerning your OP -

Alcohol
Drinking games
Stripping games
Truth or Dare
Strip Poker
Sexy movie on TV
One couple starts on one couch and the other couple joins in on their couch