help to drop hints/have no expectations?

[Libitina]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 1/2 months. Currently we live about an hour and a half's drive apart because I'm in school. I'm 19 and he's 22, if that makes a difference. But basically I have the problem of:

1-Having high expectations for anytime I see him. I'm always expecting there to be some sexual activities going on. Probably based on the fact that that's how our relationship has always been. The second time I met him I was half-naked in his bed within hours, and then we started dating that night, and slept together about a week later. I just have always build up what it's going to be like, I meet him with an idea of exactly what's going to happen and 99% of the time it doesn't happen. I mean the sex is usually great, but never lasts that long and I usually end up kind of disappointed. Either that or we don't do anything and then I feel badly for expecting something to happen. Is there any way to make it so I go into a "date" without expectations? We've talked about this before and what affect it has on our time together and we both realize that it's a problem. I just don't know what to do. The one time I can think of that I went down to visit him and genuinely had NO expectations, I went to his room and took a nap while he showered and he surprised me by waking me up wearing just a towel and kissing me, it was the highlight of my weekend. Why can't every time be like that?

2-Because I'm so far away, we don't get to see each other very often, especially since he just lost his job. When we do see each other it's usually not even for 24 hours. I have a handful of ideas of things that I want to try/want him to do to me, but I feel weird suggesting them. I really like being pinned down and rough play, but he's not into it and the most he'll do is occasionally back me against a wall. I wish that there was a subtle way that I could ask him to be rougher. There are other things that I'd like too, but most of our communication is through a few text messages throughout the day and then a phone call at night before bed. Most of the time they're not sexual so it would be weird to just say something like "oh by the way, next time we're together you should tease me until I beg you to fuck me". This would be awkward for a couple of reasons. First because he refuses to call it "fucking". To him, what we do is either have sex or make love. Second, because I am very bad at confrontation and am uncomfortable saying something like that.

Suggestions? Please?

 

[SweetErika]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 1/2 months. Currently we live about an hour and a half's drive apart because I'm in school. I'm 19 and he's 22, if that makes a difference.

1) Count your blessings that you're only an hour an a half apart. It might seem like a trek if you started off living really close, but it's really not a great distance unless walking, biking or catching a ride with someone are your only transportation options. A lot of couples would do anything to be 3 hours and under $20 in gas away, round trip, instead of many hundreds or thousands of miles and dollars apart.

I'm not minimizing your challenge, but sometimes it helps to put it in perspective and use your perceptions of challenges to make decisions (e.g. if a relatively short distance seems very great/difficult, perhaps the relationship's not working out all that well and/or you'd be happier with someone a stone's throw away).

2) The number of years you have may be irrelevant, but perspectives and maturity levels are very relevant. Is it possible you two are at different stages of life and/or maturity, and that's causing some of your problems?

1-Having high expectations for anytime I see him. <snip> The one time I can think of that I went down to visit him and genuinely had NO expectations, I went to his room and took a nap while he showered and he surprised me by waking me up wearing just a towel and kissing me, it was the highlight of my weekend. Why can't every time be like that?

Simply put, you can expect the worst and hope for the best. Go into dates expecting nothing to happen, and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised when something goes very well. That doesn't mean you should put your needs on hold long-term, be negative, or similar; it does mean you shouldn't set yourself up for disappointment by planning things that may or may not happen in your head or over-romanticizing your thoughts of your time together.

This approach has worked well for me in a lot of areas, including dating, sex and marriage. I have high expectations for myself that are easy to impose on others, so to avoid a great deal of heartache, I've learned to focus my energy on expecting very little (mostly the basics, like respect, some effort, generally being treated well), planning for the worst and being happy when things go well.

2-Because I'm so far away, we don't get to see each other very often, especially since he just lost his job. When we do see each other it's usually not even for 24 hours. I have a handful of ideas of things that I want to try/want him to do to me, but I feel weird suggesting them. I really like being pinned down and rough play, but he's not into it and the most he'll do is occasionally back me against a wall. I wish that there was a subtle way that I could ask him to be rougher.

Have you tried asking him why he hasn't enjoyed rougher play in the past, or if he's concerned about anything, like hurting you?

If you can get to the bottom of his distaste for it, perhaps there are some things you can do to help him enjoy it. For example, if he worries about harming you, you could agree on a safe word and signal, specify (and even ask if you can show him) exactly what you have in mind and find a level of roughness that he is comfortable with.

When he is a little rough or does things you really like, do you encourage him to keep it up with plenty of positive reinforcement during and after?

That said, maybe he just doesn't like being rougher or taking a more dominant role. Perhaps he'd really like you to take charge. Sometimes there are fundamental differences like that that we either need to learn to live with happily or find better matches.

There are other things that I'd like too, but most of our communication is through a few text messages throughout the day and then a phone call at night before bed. Most of the time they're not sexual so it would be weird to just say something like "oh by the way, next time we're together you should tease me until I beg you to fuck me". This would be awkward for a couple of reasons. First because he refuses to call it "fucking". To him, what we do is either have sex or make love. Second, because I am very bad at confrontation and am uncomfortable saying something like that.

Suggestions? Please?

How about writing him a hot story featuring the two of you or a letter detailing your fantasies?

You don't need to use language he doesn't like to do that or communicate your desires verbally. In fact, I'd suggest using the words he does enjoy, like, "Sometime when we're intimate/making love, I'd love it if you'd tease me with X, Y and Z until I beg you to let me feel you inside of me," or, "Do you think it'd be fun to try tying each other up, slipping on a blindfold and teasing each other until we're both dying to make love?"

He's not a mindreader, and a lot of people don't get subtle hints. Communication and sexual (and other types of) compatibility are key to making a relationship work. It can be very difficult to communicate and find good solutions, but in my experience, when these things are a struggle most of the time, it's because we're simply not that great of a match and/or the relationship has run its course.

 

[Libitina]

Have you tried asking him why he hasn't enjoyed rougher play in the past, or if he's concerned about anything, like hurting you?

If you can get to the bottom of his distaste for it, perhaps there are some things you can do to help him enjoy it. For example, if he worries about harming you, you could agree on a safe word and signal, specify (and even ask if you can show him) exactly what you have in mind and find a level of roughness that he is comfortable with.

When he is a little rough or does things you really like, do you encourage him to keep it up with plenty of positive reinforcement during and after?

That said, maybe he just doesn't like being rougher or taking a more dominant role. Perhaps he'd really like you to take charge. Sometimes there are fundamental differences like that that we either need to learn to live with happily or find better matches.


How about writing him a hot story featuring the two of you or a letter detailing your fantasies?

You don't need to use language he doesn't like to do that or communicate your desires verbally. In fact, I'd suggest using the words he does enjoy, like, "Sometime when we're intimate/making love, I'd love it if you'd tease me with X, Y and Z until I beg you to let me feel you inside of me," or, "Do you think it'd be fun to try tying each other up, slipping on a blindfold and teasing each other until we're both dying to make love?"

Thank you for your kind input and lengthy suggestions. I did just write him an e-mail [letters are too long, and I am short on stamps] about what I would like to happen. In detail. I gave a situation and described it and so we'll see what he says.

As far as being rough, he knows that I have a bad past with regards to sexual abuse and that I have a hard time trusting men. From what we've talked about, he feels like he's not one of those guys and wants to prove it to me by not making me like they did. The difference between those guys and him, is that I love him and I trust him. I haven't really pushed the being rough in the past because things have been fun and good. I did suggest in the email that he could maybe be a little more rough, just by lightly holding my arms above my head or some such thing. I also told him that if he wasn't comfortable with it than it was fine, but it was something that I want to try.

In the beginning, when we were just getting to know what each other liked, and we had a lot fewer distractions in our lives, we spent a lot more time on foreplay. And that's also what I miss. I told him that also. What's great about now, is that he leaves it up to me to tell him when I'm ready to have sex. If we're in bed and things are getting heated up, even if he's ready and wants it, he'll wait until I tell him that I want him. I just wish that he'd do more to build me up. And also, he doesn't last very long, and I have a very hard time orgasming, so I'm always worried that if I wait too long to say that I'm ready that it will be over within a few minutes, so I often end up saying that I'm ready before I get to the point where I'm begging.

 

[KokopelliRises]

Are you my roommate? Because, yeah, you sound a lot like her.

 

[SweetErika]

The email sounds like a great start!

Have you tried focusing on orgasming before you have sex, so any orgasm(s) from intercourse are just gravy? That's what we do the vast majority of the time because it ensures I come if I want to, really helps me get ready for sex both physically and mentally, and helps my husband relax because he never has to worry about coming too quickly, me being ready or my satisfaction. And, well, it just seems to work out better that way most of the time because we can both relax completely after he comes!

Perhaps you could also talk about limits and have a safe word/signal. If he knows where your boundaries are and you'll tell him very clearly if something doesn't feel right to you, he might be more comfortable with rougher sex. Likewise, you might suggest starting out easy and gradually working up to a level of roughness you're both comfortable with to build his confidence in your enjoyment and prevent him from feeling overwhelmed.

 

[Libitina]

Kokopelli, as far as I know you're not my roommate, that would be a little weird because my roommate and I don't talk, there is 0 communication.

Erika- Thank you. I'm still waiting for a response because he checks his emails at night, and he's taking care of his dad who had surgery this morning. As far as working on orgasming before sex, it takes a lot of stimulation in any way to get me to orgasm. It always has. He has gotten me off *ONCE* by fingering me, and never with oral, which he seems to have given up on. With sex, I've only orgasmed a few times, and it has always been in one particular position, so we tend to try that one a lot. By the time I've orgasmed I usually just want to cuddle, but I guess it would be something to try to get me off first and then have sex. Usually what we do is a small amount of foreplay, I'll give him oral or a handjob to get him off, and then we'll take it down a notch, and then when he's recharged, we'll start again, but this time focusing on me. Granted, the ony difference between the first and second time, is that I don't actively try and get him off so it lasts a little while longer.

Thank you for all your great help =] I've been lurking on the site for a while and you seem to always have the best advice.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm very similar. THIS is my best, orgasm producing friend (incidentally, that's where I bought mine like four years ago and the price is still pretty good). It's a fantastic investment!

 

[Libitina]

My ex-boyfriend bought me a cheap vibrator from Spencer's Novelty Gift shop, it does the job, but I had the experience of using it too often [every night], and it diminishing my ability to orgasm any other way. Since then [this was about a year ago] I have been very hesitant about using it for fear of becoming too dependent. Also, my boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me using it because he's afraid that it will mean that he's not good enough, and I just feel awkward suggesting that we use it together.

 

[SweetErika]

My ex-boyfriend bought me a cheap vibrator from Spencer's Novelty Gift shop, it does the job, but I had the experience of using it too often [every night], and it diminishing my ability to orgasm any other way. Since then [this was about a year ago] I have been very hesitant about using it for fear of becoming too dependent. Also, my boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me using it because he's afraid that it will mean that he's not good enough, and I just feel awkward suggesting that we use it together.

I've been using vibes for years and haven't had a loss of sensitivity. The fact is, good vibes in conjunction with stimulation from my partner give me the best orgasms--WAY stronger and longer lasting than those from oral, manual or penetration alone--so I have absolutely no incentive to put my toys away.

I'm willing to communicate with and reassure my partner that the vibe has nothing to do with their skills, but in the end, it comes down to whether or not they want me to have the most and best pleasure possible, and I'm unwilling to put my pleasure aside just because they're selfish, immature, insecure, etc. My husband has had moments of insecurity, but that went away when he realized how beneficial toys are to both of us (when we're together, they mean far more pleasure and less work, and we both enjoy using toys on our own) and that they're just a nice addition to, rather than a substitute for, sex with a giving partner.

If your guy is faced with like an hour of oral and manual stimulation vs. 20 minutes of foreplay that includes a toy and give you at least one really incredible orgasm and perhaps more during intercourse, he might just see the vibe as a very positive addition to your sex life! Especially if you show him how something like the Hitachi can stimulate him.

 

[Libitina]

I'll definitely try and mention it to him. In the past, I have been able to incorporate a vibe into sexual play with a guy and it's always been way more intense of an orgasm than if it were acheived any other way.

Hopefully my boyfriend will be up for it, and realize how excited I am about it. And with any luck we'll be living together this summer and we can really explore. But not if he moves to Michigan for 6 months, which looks like a plausible possibility.

 

[Libitina]

So last night he called me around 3am and we talked for a good 2 hours. We had a really intense, lovely conversation about family traditions and holidays and stuff, where he invited me to his family's christmas celebration, and told me that in the 3 years he was with his ex he'd never once asked her, and that it would mean a lot if I came. =] It made me happy. Then there was a lull in conversation and he simply said "So I got your email..." we talked about it, and what he's comfortable and everything seems to be worked out. And supposedly the reason he can't wait too long before we have sex is because I'm just "that hott" and he wants me that bad. Good I suppose?

 

[SweetErika]

And supposedly the reason he can't wait too long before we have sex is because I'm just "that hott" and he wants me that bad. Good I suppose?

It's a compliment, but there's a difference between not being able to wait and not wanting to wait. He could certainly hold off until you'd done (even a lot) more foreplay, but the question is, is he willing to do that?

Most guys his age have a <30 minute refractory period, too, so perhaps you could suggest a little foreplay leading to him getting off (via sex, oral, handjob, or whatever) then working on your pleasure until he's ready to go again. That, or maybe he could masturbate the night or morning before you see each other, just to take the edge off.

My guy has never been a marathon man, and I do take it as a compliment that I can still get him so hot with simple things after so many years. I encourage him to relax and go with the flow when he feels the need to come because I know he has a much better orgasm that way, prefer that he's mentally present rather than distracted, AND I don't want to get into a situation where he's trying so hard to hold back that he has trouble coming. I figure we can always do something before or after if the sex isn't enough, so there's no reason to mess with it.