Help please.

[christcat69]

The latest poem. I'm drowning here.

Lying before her,
Bare and beaten,
Dripping from the outcome of the chase,
Body limp and exhausted,
Succombing...

Radiant lioness,
Strutting away from her prize,
Mane soaked red,
Too proud to feel.

I'm really starting to get into the metaphors of sex and the hunt. Both about conquering.

Come on boy, obey me. Lick my boots to please me. Maybe I will loosen your chains. The power is mine.- Lords of Acid

 

[Debbie]

'scuse me, sleep deprived here.
What did you want help with?
Feedback? What???

 

[The Huntsman]

rather one-sided

I have to second the first question:
what form would you like this 'help' to take?

My initial response is that I dislike this kind of objectification.
You present the aftermath of disaster, like a pile of cantoulope rinds and two children with greedy distended bellies.

"bare and beaten" - yes, it bumps in the mouth, but it communicates nothing, it conjures no fresh image. We've all been bare and we've all been beaten.
As your audience, I want to feel the raised whip-weal, taste the drippings of the "roast" .

"Lioness" - used quite often, sometimes to great effect.
"mane soaked red" - what is your intended image? Sweat-soaked red hair, or blood? I have two images in mind, but I doubt you want me to imagine the encounter as an animal's face red as it emerges from the carcass.
To maintain the balance, you need more structure.
Guide us, we'll follow.

Ihmara

 

[christcat69]

Thanks guys

I want the reader to feel as if they have just bared witness to this beautiful chase.

Mane soaked red is supposed to bring the image of blood because of how the prey feels due to the predators lack of emotion.
No emotion, no chitchat, just raw pleasure (the lioness) and pain(its prey)

Its perfect balance, like yin and yang, so pure. That's what I want the reader to feel. If anyone could help me express that I would greatly appreciate it.

the empty bodies stand at rest, casualties of their own flesh, afflicted by their disposession, but no bodies ever knew, nobodys, no bodies felt like you, nobodys, love is suicide-The Smashing Pumpkins

 

[JUDO]

If you want the reader to feel the chase, then how about images of the chase?

Other than that, I typically like each stanza to complete a thought or image.

Your first stanza describes something, but we don't find out what until the second stanza. The first couple of times I read this, I thought the first stanza was referring to what had been chased, rather than the lioness.

Also, since you really want to put the reader there, how about more sensory descriptions? Like what the location looks like (wild wheat fields?), feels like (hot?), the smell of the smoldering serengetti?, the taste of the blood?, the numbness of her brain? Her mental thoughts? The next thing she must do that drives her from the kill?

Some thoughts.
- Judo

 

[christcat69]

Thanks Judo

Thank you for your feedback. I beleive I will write another poem with a similar topic and make it longer, more graphic. For now though, I shall submit this version (with few changes) because I decided that that is how I felt at the time, so why not?

 

[dark stranger]

humble observation

a poem is a photo you took
with minds eye camera
you can edit it to have new color
or leave it as it was

and take others to capture the change

there is no bad poem
or wrong poem
there are only poems
that don't fit what you want
at the moment

dark

 

[Guest]

waiting breatlessly,anxiously for your touch
missing your response so much as i hunger
I lift up my head,lay on my side..
I just want to look at you
and drink this all in..



longing to take a walk on the "dark" side

 

[dark stranger]

hunger

hunger sips the wine of thought
grows drunk on the pleasure
of anticipation
then sighs warm milk
down the chin
with kitten waiting with smiles

hello dreams

 

[Guest]

no limits to the pleasure
that i choose to feel with you
kisses on your forehead
your eyebrows and lids
the tip of your nose..
your lips invite me in..
i drink in the darkness that you give to me
never have i known such ecstacy..

 

[sexyles69]

It's a good start

For just getting into writing about the hunt I like it. You could be more descriptive on the upcoming poems, but it's a good start. You're on the right track. What ever happened to your new story? Still waiting.

 

[karmadog]

I disagree with some, I don't think it's that bad, although I think the female/feline comparisoon is as dead as dead can be.

I also don't think you tried that hard before looking for feed back.

"succumbing"

 

[christcat69]

Hey sexyles!

I promise the new story is coming (it's under construction). I'm making it the start of my novel so it will take time but when I am done, it will be exquisite (with some help from my friends). Thanks for all your support. I want everyone to know that I appreciate their feedback and do take it into account when I expand on new ideas. Thank you all. Especially No.69 and the Master Judo.

Oh yeah, Judo was correct in thinking that the 1st stanza was about the prey and the 2nd was referring to the lioness. I realized when I read it again that it expressed what I wanted it to. So I opted to make few changes to it.

Leo Moon