Help please

[raniny]

I don't know what to do. The last couple of times my husband and I have played around I have had some problems. I seem to have a mind blowing orgasim while he is fingering me and it bothers me a lot. It feels like I am going to lose my mind. Any suggestions on how to get over my fear? I would appricate any advice.

 

[MisterDevils]

Why does the fact that you seem to have a mind blowing orgasm when he fingers you bother you?

 

[raniny]

I have no idea. I have had a pretty bad past and I think that is why I get scared.

 

[SweetErika]

I have no idea. I have had a pretty bad past and I think that is why I get scared.

Perhaps it triggers the feeling of not being in control or being very vulnerable? Or maybe you're connecting it with something in your past?

For me at least, a very intense orgasm can be an emotional release. When I'm not dealing with issues in a healthy way (for me that usually means stuffing them down), all of the negative emotions can come out in the rush of orgasm. From what I can tell, this isn't unusual, so maybe you have a bit of that going on (as well)?

This might be a sign that you have unhealed wounds that you need to tend to, or new issues have come up for you. I'd encourage you to seek counseling geared towards your past (assault, abuse, etc.) with a sex-positive therapist, if that could be the case. S/he can likely help you figure out what's going on and address it before it gets worse.

 

[tonightsthenigh]

I seem to have a mind blowing orgasim while he is fingering me and it bothers me a lot. It feels like I am going to lose my mind. Any suggestions on how to get over my fear? I would appricate any advice.

He is probably hitting your G-spot with his finger. You may not be used to the sensation because of the angle or curve of his cock - thereby not hitting your G-spot during intercourse. Relax and enjoy - it's a whole new world - different than a clit stimulated orgasm.

Jani
http://g-gasm.com/temp

 

[raniny]

I have tried the therapist thing and it made things even worse. But I have not delt with things and I do have a tendency to bottle things up. I have talked to my husband about my past and he tries to understand but unless you have been through what I have been through it is hard to understand. If anyone has any more suggestions please let me know I appricate all the help.

 

[FurryFury]

Instead of thinking of sex, think of something unpleasant if you don't want to come. You know something like anchovies, hairy ass holes, sports, dead puppies, your ex.

Or make a list of things you haven't done but should be doing. Also you could try listing all the shit you have to do the next day.

If that doesn't work, try seeing shapes in the plaster, dry wall or whatever you ceiling is made of. (It's sort of like seeing the shapes in clouds.)

Think of all HIS ex'es or his mother.

That should do it.

Good luck.

Of course your lover might be frustrated if you don't come . . .

 

[raniny]

One problem I love getting off with him I just am scared of how intense it is. I feel like I will completly lose all control and thought. The other thing is that it only happens every once in a while and only when he is fingering me.

 

[SweetErika]

I have tried the therapist thing and it made things even worse. But I have not delt with things and I do have a tendency to bottle things up. I have talked to my husband about my past and he tries to understand but unless you have been through what I have been through it is hard to understand. If anyone has any more suggestions please let me know I appricate all the help.

I can understand that.

In my experience, healing is highly dependent on the therapist and type of therapy. I haven't clicked with everyone, or every type of therapy, I've tried. I have been to really fantastic therapists who helped me learn tools to effectively deal with my issues and get on the road to recovery, though.

In addition, I've found therapy can give me the impression things are getting worse, when it's actually just the natural process of delving into pain, learning and healing. My last therapist was really good about warning me when something had the potential to make it feel like I was moving backwards, and provided explanations of why it was necessary and how it was likely to help in the long-run. So, that's a trait I'll look for if/when I go to therapy in the future.

What I've learned from all of this is to not give up when I don't click with someone, thoroughly interview the therapist beforehand, find types of therapy that have proven to be helpful for many with similar issues and to persevere through the painful stretches.

I'm not trying to convince you to try therapy, I'm just sharing my own experiences with the idea that you might find something useful. The bottom line for me was I didn't have any other options; I couldn't live with my past interfering with my sex life, marriage and future so much and nothing else I had done had really worked, so I decided to find and try something that worked for a lot of other people with similar issues.

 

[Bandit58]

When I first started having G spot orgasms I often felt overwhelmed by the feeing of being out of control of myself.

As we are in a D/s relationship anyway, I began using my safe words whenever I started feeling fearful and out of control. We use "yellow" for "please ease off I am starting to feel scared" and "red" for "stop now I can't take anymore". This has worked well and I now am much more at ease with my feelings.

 

[FurryFury]

One problem I love getting off with him I just am scared of how intense it is. I feel like I will completly lose all control and thought. The other thing is that it only happens every once in a while and only when he is fingering me.

Dear Honey,

You are so sexy! I love you and getting the sack with you is fantastic. Everything we do is wonderful.

It's kind of embarrassing to say this but once in a while it's a little too wonderful. Sometimes I get scared when you finger me because it's so intense. Until I'm more comfortable with that, could we do other things in bed?

Thanks,

Your sweetie.

 

[Mansa Musa]

I have tried the therapist thing and it made things even worse. But I have not delt with things and I do have a tendency to bottle things up. I have talked to my husband about my past and he tries to understand but unless you have been through what I have been through it is hard to understand. If anyone has any more suggestions please let me know I appricate all the help.

Tell him everything. He´s your husband, not a guy that pays the bills and gets between your legs on the weekends. I´m far more jaded than the next guy, but I do understand the idea of "For better and for worse." As a man who´s dated incest victims, former lesbians and one child porn star, I can tell you that you´d be amazed at the things that an understanding man is able to accept.

P.S. If you´re into watching little girls, do not give me that piece of information.

 

[SweetErika]

Tell him everything. He´s your husband, not a guy that pays the bills and gets between your legs on the weekends. I´m far more jaded than the next guy, but I do understand the idea of "For better and for worse." As a man who´s dated incest victims, former lesbians and one child porn star, I can tell you that you´d be amazed at the things that an understanding man is able to accept.

Not to put words in Raniny's mouth, but I read the post you quoted as she has told her husband, but it's still hard for him to understand the ramifications of her past.

One can be understanding about abuse/assault, but they'll never truly understand what it's like to live in a survivor's skin if they haven't had a similar experience. Perhaps you took your girlfriends' pasts in stride, tried to understand and support them--which is wonderful--but unless you were assaulted or exploited as a child, you're going to have trouble understanding how they think, feel and act when it comes to some things. Do you know what it's like to fear you'll be violated every time you're alone with a man? Or get physically and emotionally sick during sex with your spouse because there's just *something* that your brain connects with being raped?

Your use of 'victims' and glib comments tell me you're most likely pretty damn clueless.

P.S. If you´re into watching little girls, do not give me that piece of information.

I rest my case.

I'm not sure why you decided to post this, because I haven't seen anyone say anything about pedophilia, but I find it to be somewhere on the insensitive-mean spirited continuum.

I'm not saying you're a bad guy, but I do think you should be more careful when dealing with tumultuous subjects.

 

[FurryFury]

There are child porn stars?

 

[Mansa Musa]

Not to put words in Raniny's mouth, but I read the post you quoted as she has told her husband, but it's still hard for him to understand the ramifications of her past.

One can be understanding about abuse/assault, but they'll never truly understand what it's like to live in a survivor's skin if they haven't had a similar experience. Perhaps you took your girlfriends' pasts in stride, tried to understand and support them--which is wonderful--but unless you were assaulted or exploited as a child, you're going to have trouble understanding how they think, feel and act when it comes to some things. Do you know what it's like to fear you'll be violated every time you're alone with a man? Or get physically and emotionally sick during sex with your spouse because there's just *something* that your brain connects with being raped?

Your use of 'victims' and glib comments tell me you're most likely pretty damn clueless.

My former fiancé was used in child porn films. For the first 15 months of dating, our sex life was limited to oral and manual techniques. For the first 9 months, she couldn´t even bring herself to internalize my pinky. She was one of the sweetest persons ever, but I would have walked away from her if I hadn´t known about her past. In this case, I see that I projected some of my experiences upon the current situation, and I apologize.

However, in my case, my fiancé was determined to face her past. She wasn´t the type of person to limit herself, her pre-American life was limiting enough. She wanated to experience as much as possible, and I was there when she needed me. I´m going to stop now.

 

[raniny]

Mr. Essex I have discussed with my husband about my past as I have stated but Sweeterika is right he is very understanding but he does not always understand that there are still things that he wants to do that I am not able to do because they are triggers to remembering the past. He does not realize he is doing them until I remind him. And no I was not a child when it happened I was in my teens. If you have any other questions let me know but understand I will not go into details because it is still hard to talk about what happened.

 

[Mansa Musa]

Mr. Essex I have discussed with my husband about my past as I have stated but Sweeterika is right he is very understanding but he does not always understand that there are still things that he wants to do that I am not able to do because they are triggers to remembering the past. He does not realize he is doing them until I remind him. And no I was not a child when it happened I was in my teens. If you have any other questions let me know but understand I will not go into details because it is still hard to talk about what happened.

For my fiancé, barrelling through was the most effective strategy. However, I understand that YMMV. Again, I apologize for projecting my personal experiences on this thread.

 

[raniny]

Forgiven Mr. Essex. Sorry if I went overboard. Just having a hard time dealing with things right now.

 

[lindahotstuff]

You are lucky. Many women complain that their partners don't finger them effectively and few can make a woman cum without rubbing your clit off in the process. It takes guys practice, and we all know they aren't the most sensitive things on the planet. I bet your guy likes you to give him a hand job!!! What's the difference? We all like being brought to climax, whether its fingers, a tongue, a cock or a toy. Lie back and enjoy it. Engage in mutual masturbation. It will only serve to heighten your sex life.

 

[mjl2010]

You are lucky. Many women complain... and we all know they aren't the most sensitive things on the planet...

Some of us try. You might try not lumping ALL of us under your idea of men.

MJL

 

[SmilesByMiles]

mmmm, doesn't sound like TOO much of a problem to me

 

[raniny]

Thanks for the advice. Still working on it though.

 

[emptynester]

I have no idea. I have had a pretty bad past and I think that is why I get scared.

Rainy, I admire your courage in trying to deal with this given your past. Some people try to avoid any and all situations that make them uncomfortable and scared. You at least are making an attempt to recognize how it makes you feel and looking for a way to work through it.

I can only give you encouragement and offer my advice to give it time. Tell hubby to take it slow. Whatever makes you uncomfortable should wait until you are ready. It takes complete trust in your spouse to let go and let your body respond as it will. That, in my opinion, is without a bad past.

Without being able to relate to what you have been through, I would agree with SweetErika. Find someone you are more comfortable with and continue with therapy. Working thorugh something like that on your own may be possible, but I think much more difficult and take more time.

I also think hubby should be included at some point when you are comfortable with talking about your present fears and concerns. He is going to be a big factor in your healing and needs to be a part of the process in getting you there. Best wishes.

 

[CHELLELYNN]

Time heals ......

I have no idea. I have had a pretty bad past and I think that is why I get scared.

The time you spend with your husband and dealing with this issue, the past will become just that the past. I had a hard time dealing with my sexual desires due to my past and past abuse. Orgasms were not the easiest thing to handle at one time for me either. But if your husband and you take the time to work through and develope safe stopping words, actions so forth you will make it through it. IT is all about letting someone or something having the control over you at the time. Once you let go of that, and realize that it is the man that loves you and not the abuser, attacker, you will find it less scary and more enjoyable.