Help please advice needed

[Guest]

Have you ever become so wretched in your marriage that you have seriously thought of walking away from someone you consider to be your soulmate? I cry as I type this. I love my husband so much. We have been together for years but I am desperately unhappy.
We used to laugh and be happy. We were friends and lovers now we fight like cruel mean horrible enemies.
I have tried to be understanding but he is grumpy all the time. Whether it be over the kids or a stupid computer game.
I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour, to others and to myself.
I almost feel like he hates me but I don't know why.
If we have a fight or I tell him how miserable I am he says nothing or pretends it never happened.
I can't seem to get through to him.
I think he thinks I won't leave but I will if this carries on. Not just for me but I don't want my kids growing up thinking that 'normal' people scream, shout or leave the table.
I could never, nor would I be unfaithful but for the first time in ever we are only having sex once a month. I miss him but I cannot keep making the first move and doing all the hard work. It takes two to keep a relationship going.
I have tried not to fight but when I get ignored or I ask for his help and he still does nothing I think why is this supposed to be all my problem?
I don't know what to do anymore

 

[Starfish]

I'd give you a hug if I could.

This is always a hard thing to deal with, and I've never had the experiance this deeply to give advice, but even if no one replies right away with advice, I'll help you keep this thread up so that others who've been in your shoes can help you.


*Big Hugs*
I am sorry for you troubles.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I don't want my kids growing up thinking that 'normal' people scream, shout or leave the table.

Sounds pretty familiar. Obviously, you are the only one who can make the decision. Care for your children first, they're more important than anything. If you can't support them on your own, don't leave until you can. You can't count on him to pay support. Get them in counseling before you leave, and keep them in it after. Get them in counseling (and yourself too) even if you don't leave. Talk to your husband about marriage counseling.

BUT... the piece I dug out of your post bothers me. 'Normal' people DO shout, scream, and occasionally leave the table. Sometimes, even in the best relationships in the world, communication breaks down and people get mean. Don't fool yourself into thinking that a relationship in the future is perfect because there's no fighting.

 

[Guest]

thank you both so much for responding. I feel really bad as my kids are my first concern yet I am dragging them through another bad marriage. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me. I try too hard.
I know I am the only one who can make the decision and I haven't left so far because of responsibility not love anymore. Yes I know I still love him but it isn't enough anymore.
I don't care about being on my own, I have done that before and coped. I am no longer co dependent.
So often I feel that I can fix everything. And I get very down when I can't. My expectations are high.
Even now we sit in the same room, in silence. he takes no notice of what I am doing and seems to care less.
I feel hurt and am trying not to cry. I want to say again and again I love you but I am so unhappy and want things to work out. But there is no point. I have said it all before.
Frequently I try to accept we have differences saying it takes two to fight. Accepting that I too am responsible if we don't get on. Nothing I do seems to work.
I don't think our fighting is normal. It happens too often and my son comes to me asking if I am alright and hugging me. I feel sick when I think of this. What sort of message am I sending him?
Your mother thinks she is a life saver and can fix everybody, we are living a lie and we shouldn't be together.
I used to think of us as being a great couple now I just think we are self destructive

 

[cinnamon1686]

I used to be like you. The first thing is no matter how hard you try you can't fix everything, you can't make everyone happy, been there tried that. The only person who wasn't happy was me. Don't take responsibility for your husbands actions or words, don't make excuses for him, it's not your fault.People can tell what he is like no matter what you do.I have learned, though it was hard, not to have to have everything just so. Let the family clean up after themselves. I'm not saying I don't do anything for them, I just don't take everything into my own hands anymore.I feel more relaxed and I believe I smile more. I wish you luck

 

[Guest]

I feel I have only two choices left, stay and make the best of it, being blatant ahd saying I am not your maid you want it go get it or ask your father (waste of time that is he will just grunt)
or say bugger my marriage vows, I tried my best and I am out of here.

But in my heart I feel, no in my being I feel that I am a quitter, and it feels wrong. BUT again when do you say I have talked, cried, begged, shouted and I give up. No more, move on your bags are packed and the kids are a honking.

 

[SweetCherry]

Unregistered, I'm just getting out of something a little bit similar myself. Its not easy, but you can get thru it. If you know deep down that you love him, I would suggest that you try counselling. In my case, the love left a long time ago, so there was no marriage counsellor that could save it.

I do, however, agree that it's perfectly normal to fight. A little bit of fighting over things now and again can spice up a marriage. There's going to be confrontation from time to time with 2 people living in close quarters. I understand you not wanting the kids to see/hear. I never fought with my hub iun front of the kids, and they seldom heard, except a few nites when he came in drunk at 4am and picked a fight.

If you need to talk more about it, pm me. I'll try and help where I can. If nothing else, it helps to vent.

Hugs!

 

[Guest]

The thing that upsets me the most is that I am beginning not to feel what is going on. Yeah I know I love him but I have developed a thick skin, a part of me that says I don't so I won't feel this pain.
Thank you sweet cheery. THe fighting is now all the time. Over what we eat, how it is cooked, the kids, everything including how we speak and respond to each other.
Counselling? No way he will go I have asked and begged and threatened to leave. Sadly it has gone way beyond that.
As I type, after a bitter arguement where we have not spoken since, he sleeps soundly, his dreams seemingly undisturbed by nightmares.
Me? I do not want to sleep.

 

[SweetCherry]

Then it looks as if it's time for you to make a descision. You might try a trial seperation, if your financial situation allows it. Just make sure tho, that you are the one leaving that you get all of your things right away. A friend of mine had left his spouse and after he left, she pretty much told him that he walked out,so whatever was left behind of his was now hers. Not everyone is like that, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Good luck.

 

[MissTaken]

I, too, would like to give you hugs and have been in a very similar situation myself. My thoughts are based souly upon my experience, but as usual, am happy to share.

No. We can't fix everything and I learned that the hard way. I stayed far longer than I should have and now realize what an impact the situation had on the children. My husb runs towards clinical depression and would never consider treatment. So, the barking, shouting and unreasonable demands continued.

What I learned from all of it though were a few little things. First of all, I didn't tell him when I was angry and never talked about the explosions afterwards. To find time to say in a reasonable voice, "These things hurt, or I'm sorry if I upset you ...can we talk about it?"

Secondly, a huge factor in my situation was the children. We stopped spending time together alone. We stopped "dating". Then, we both stopped feeling special. So, I wonder, if this something that is lacking in your marraige. Sometimes we get so consumed by daily affairs, we forget about each other. Of course, suggesting that you do spend more time together, will only help if he is willing.

Thirdly, you have a right to be happy and expect respect. In the event that that can't happen, separation may be in order. And then, you may find that you both get along better in the end. Perhaps even, dating all over again after a brief respite. Who knows?

Being on your own with children isn't easy. But for me, I have been happier since I left that at any other time in my life...in spite of all the challenges of living on my own.

Take care and if you care to talk, please pm me.

hugs
Miss T

 

[Debbie]

I hope things get better for you

 

[Guest]

Thanks again to all the kind words
Thank you Miss Taken for your kind words. I have always tried to talk to him and have made special time. It doesn't seem to make a difference. His attitude seems to be me, me, me and if the kids want something it is grumble moan bitch,
I tell him whenever I am upset and what about. Damn sometimes I think why do I bother. I am talking and listening to myself anyway.
I know I am not perfect. I used to be happy. ( the talking doesn't work I now give what I get. )I warned him first though, saying I am going to talk and treat you the same way you treat me.
He doesn't talk to the kids he talks at them and they take no notice. I have told him this too.
They have no respect for him and say so to me. I tell them off but they are right. If someone won't listen to you and just sounds off but they are guilty ogf the criime then you are a hypocrite and it is hard to be respectful.

Thank you for your kind wishes debbiexxx

 

[YogiBare]

Unreg

Tough situation. Sounds to me that the crux of it is that something is going on with your husband, that he refuses to get help, and that his withdrawl and nasty behavior have become intolerable to the family.

Some questions:

- Are drugs or alcohol involved?

- What led up to this change in his behavior?

- Has this happened to him previously?

- Are there other family members or friends whom you can involve in convincing him to get help?

- Have you told him that you are on the brink of leaving the marriage and will do so if he doesn't get professional help?

I strongly suggest that you begin counseling for yourself, and right away. Do it before making a decision to leave. Involve the counselor in stratregizing and planning.

Good luck!