Help! need your best SEX jokes!

[Rolly]

Hi Everyone,
Need some help here on the fun side!
Was out with the other nurses yesterday, (yes, I actually had a bit of time to relax!) and we where all swapping dirty jokes. Maybe I have been spending to much time working, studying, & swimming, but I didn't know or remember any. Ohh, Ohh, social outcast! Please help by posting your best sex jokes so next time I'm armed and ready. Note, I did check past postings and found a few. (Also, the shorter the better - I can never remember the long ones.)

... Ready to be armed!!
Jane

 

[Irontoto]

what name begins with "j" and has sex with her uncle? JANE. ha ha!

 

[Weird Harold]

Originally posted by Rolly:
(Also, the shorter the better - I can never remember the long ones.)

Q: What's pink and has seven dimples.

A: Snow White's Hymen.

 

[Rolly]

Very funny, irontutu.
If I get hold of your ear dear it is going to be so red! And if you turn out to be a 16 year imp, I will arrange for the head nurse to give you your first prostate check. Then we will see who is laughing.

 

[Nobody Special]

Thought you didn't know any jokes Rolly. HEHE Besides I think irontoto likes nurses giving him exams.

here is one that I thought you would enjoy, it's not too long.

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside. with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.


E

 

[Lasher]

Here's one of my all time favorites.

A woman with no arms and no legs is lying naked on the beach, just horny as hell..cause she's got no arms and no legs, ya know? Can't get laid or nothing.

So sume dude comes walking by, and she figures this is her chance and she starts screaming at him, "Fuck me!! Fuck me!! Please Fuck me!!" Dude just looks at her like, "WTF?" and keeps going...

Another dude comes by and she goes thru the same deal. She starts screaming at him, and he just keeps going.

Third Dude comes by, and she starts screaming at him, "Fuck me, Fuck me!! For the love of god please Fuck me!!"

Dude just looks at her, lying on the beach with no arms and no legs, ya know? So he comes over and gently lifts her off her towel, then turns and carries her toward the water. He gets to the waters edge and he heaves her armless, legless body into the ocean, looks at her bobbing in the surf and screams, "There ya go, bitch, now yer FUCKED!!"

 

[Kip Carson]

Ok, here's one for you....
This little boy catches his parents having sex. It really upsets him, and he is crying loudly. His father talks to him, telling him that they were working on the little brother that he always wanted. This satisfied the youngster. The following evening, the father comes home from work and sees his son sitting on the steps, crying his eyes out. "What's the matter?" the father asks. "you know that little brother, you and mom were making?" the boy says. "Yes" his father replies. "Well, the mailman ate him today.

 

[Weird Harold]

Courtesy of RiskyMail:

JOKE OF THE DAY (for the ladies): MEN

MENtal illness
MENopause
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown

Ever noticed how all our problems begin with MEN?

 

[HSWriter]

Here is one:

What has 100 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row at a Backstreet Boys Concert.

And some more for your viewing pleasure...

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What is the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.


Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.

How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down?
You marry her.

What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbians living room?
Potpourri.

What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
well hung.

What is the difference between a fridge and a virgin?
You will never hear the fridge scream when you put the meat in it.

How do you know you have a great sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.

Why should you never drink diet soda during oral sex?
Then you will have two aftertastes to get rid of.

What is good on a pizza but bad on a pussy? Crust.

Thats all I have for now... I will be back for the 6 o'clock and 8 o'clock shows... Please, no autographs....

 

[Gil]

Hi Jane,

Have you heard about Glaxo Pharmaceuticals new product, Ginko Viagra?

Its function is: to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

 

[Alyssa]

There was a an ordinary family, sitting in traffic and on their way to a great vacation. Well in front of them, there was a couple fighting and they were screaming really loud. The wife pulled out a really big knife and cut her husband's dick off. She threw it out the window and it landed on the windshield of the ordinary family. The parents were freaking out, so the dad thought quickly and turned on the windshield wipers. Their son asked what was that thing that landed on their window. The dad replied "Oh nothing son, just a butterfly." The son replied back, "Man, that butterfly sure had a big dick!"

 

[Gil]

LMAO, Allysa,

Excellent, truly excellent.

 

[Weird Harold]

Another easy to remember one from Riskymail:


JOKE OF THE DAY: Got Milk?

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache.
Below the picture is titled "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a
white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a
white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk."