help! my wife is a sub

[kermit1977]

As the title suggests,

My wife explained to me a few days ago she would be more happy, content and satisfied if she could be a submissive, not just the bedroom.

While she really can be strong willed and feisty, deep down she loves to be taken control of. I am expected to take the reigns in everyday affairs while i retain my sweet devotion to my wife. Is that even possible??

You guessed it... i deeply truly love my wife and i would never hurt her in any way or take advantage of her and she knows this. I guess that means i am going to be a dominant by consent.

I get all that i think... Im no wuss but up til now i have always put my wife on a pedestal i think she truly deserves but now she is telling me that even though she really likes it like that i could be more in control in everyday affairs.

It is the bedroom that puzzles me the most at the moment... She told me that even though she enjoys the sex we have she really wants to be dominated enen to a point of being rough with her...bondage...gagging.. that sort of thing. She draws the line at pain. So no hitting or leather or flogging or clamping or anything of that stuff. She wants to be manhandled so to speak.

Now heres the thing.... hearing my wife come up with this i kinda get turned on.... imagine your wife saying she wants to be really used for her hubby's pleasure and she will love me for it! It is a mans wet dream! Yet i am overwhelmed by the whole responsibility of it. I think theres a rather thin line between that which i am describing she wants and actual abuse. We both also really want to keep our sweet and loving side where i race out the door at ten pm to get her lava cakes just to name an example. She views that as reward for her submissiveness and really wants me to keep doing that. No prob!

Trying to look up advice on how i am to act and how to alter myself into that role i found it is very frustrating going as a staggering lot of them emphasise me disciplining my wife when she does something i do not enjoy and physically smack it out of my sub. I already explained thats not how we roll. There must be advice outthere tailored for our needs?? Tying up my sub and having my way with her makes me horny. Having to hit her makes my weener go limp just thinking of it. And she feels it that way too. Not to say that sometimes its kinky to smack her butt during the heat of battle but thats where we really draw the line.

Now, long story there and i apologise but i am a noob dom in serious need of experienced people in the same situation. Surely there are d/s relations outthere that do NOT wear leather and spiky collars?

Help!
Kermit

 

[midwestyankee]

Do what makes both of you happy. If that means restraining her to the bed and tickling her within an inch of an orgasm for hours on end, so be it. If that means restraining her wrists and "forcing" her to give you head while she's kneeling on a piece of rough-sawn lumber, so be it. Since the idea of topping your wife is turning you on, then I sense that you won't really have to change yourself much at all to ratchet up your sexual practices in the ways that she is suggesting.

The thing is, there's an immense variety of practices that get bundled under the umbrella term of bdsm. About the only truly common factor is that there is some degree of imbalance of power in the relationship, either just in the moment in the bedroom, or much of the time outside the bedroom as well.

I can't say it enough - just do what makes both of you happy and you'll be fine. As long as you also take care to play safely. You can find out about safety from some of the very good books on the subject (see SM101, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, and others, for example) or by taking classes at bdsm venues if they're available near you.

Enjoy!

 

[CutieMouse]

Welcome to Lit BDSM forums!

Wanna hear a secret? You get to create whatever D/s relationship you want. Which means if neither of you are into the "punishment" thing... rock on with yo' bad selves [without a spanking, flogger, nipple clamp in sight]. It also means you can have as loving a D/s relationship as you want.

There are just as many people out there who enjoy the rush of power dynamics within a loving relationship, without any of the paraphernalia, titles, etc, as people who spend time in BDSM clubs, are active in the local kink community, and wear a collar 24/7.

Yes, the control can feel overwhelming to the dominant. It is a lot of responsibility... but only as much as you want it to be. (After all, you're the dominant/decision maker here, right?) It is perfectly dominant to delegate. It is perfectly dominant to do so while saying "please" and "thank you". It is perfectly dominant to take what you want in bed, then make a midnight run for lava cakes so y'all can snuggle up and talk about your day. It is also perfectly dominant to have your own boundaries and hard limits (those aren't just for submissives).

It sounds like y'all have a strong foundation already, and from what you wrote are already on the communication train... if you are a researcher sort, I'd suggest picking up copies of the following -

The Loving Dominant
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book

Aside from that, talk. Talk about fantasies, and life. Ask questions here. Play. in the end, a D/s relationship is still a relationship.

 

[Netzach]

She's been reading smut and looking at sites or photos or something and has probably built up YEARS of fantasies about this stuff.

You need to make sure those fantasies are not driving you crazy. You need to police your own boundaries and not become submissive to her expectations. You can start by explaining that if you're going to do this, you're going to do it YOUR way. Get into the driver's seat now. That's not so bad. You don't even have to do anything, it's time to figure out where you want to go. She can sit tight in the back seat till you do. You like the idea of her as your compliant bedroom sex toy? Start there, dirty talk the hell out of that idea with her. Assimilate it into your brain as you interrogate her for a while while you hold her wrists over her head and make her wait for deep dicking.

Sounds like you're already turned on by a few compatible fantasies of your own, so this road trip doesn't seem doomed or anything, but you've got to figure out what YOU want and don't want.

 

[Him15]

Pretty much what everyone else said, there is no one particular type of BDSM relationship or a correct baseline way to do it. My advice is to take your time and experiment with it, as it sounds like your both new to it. Find out what each other likes the the D/s dynamic and what works for you, doesn't need to be rushed or perfect from the start. Experiment sexually with how rough your both comfortable with to what degree of bondage etc, and in figuring out the D/s dynamic as a full relationship best advice I can give is try things out and then talk openly and honestly to each other about it. If something doesnt work for either of you say why and move on or approach it from another angel.

Deffinitly discuss your fantasies and ideas about how it will work, take your time and be honest with each other.

 

[kermit1977]

All of you thank you so much for replying!

Yes, we are extensively talking about it. We always had lines of communication going pretty strong as i feel it is vitally important in marriage to be open to anything that might bother the other.

Ok, we established me going to be (more) of a dom. Great.... Now i dont know how the f*ck to behave... I lower my voice? Point out my breast acting like superman...? I dont think that will work as i really am not that "alpha". Theres a golden middle road im sure and im trying to find a way to behave myself with all this.

Thats also why particularly Cutiemouse (tytyty) had some good pointers imo. The main one being :"you are not less of a dom if you ask things or still feel a desire to please your wife like you have".

I have seen that book The loving dominant mentioned elsewhere too and me and the wife already wanted to get some reading material to study, not just for me as trainee dom but also for her to know how to behave herself and stimulate me or coax me in her ideal dom shape

In my mind i am already forming ideas on how i want things to go in and outside of our bedroom. Isnt it incredibly sexy to have a green light from your own wife with that? I am sure i will surprise her with a thing or two....

All your replies were helpful and even heartwarming! And nobody mentioned spikey collars...yayyy

 

[Netzach]

Ok, we established me going to be (more) of a dom. Great.... Now i dont know how the f*ck to behave... I lower my voice? Point out my breast acting like superman...? I dont think that will work as i really am not that "alpha". Theres a golden middle road im sure and im trying to find a way to behave myself with all this.

Do you. Alpha is overstated - it's less about hierarchies (I'm uncomfortable with them myself) and more about your personal sense of your personal power.

This is all very intimidating, and when I was a noob I would get all kinds of answers about how to be a Dominant woman, most of which were fashion advice. Blerg. Do you, in charge. If you're not sure how to be in charge, the best tip I had was "look in the mirror for about five minutes and mentally go over every decision you can think of in your past in which you were right."

 

[Him15]

Dom isn't really about being Alpha (besides I think the whole shouting and over compensating isn't really alpha anyway but that's a whole other discussion).

You can be a great dom and give your wife what she needs without changing your behavior or who you are. Saying an order quietly or calmly, for example, can be a lot more effective than yelling it or putting on a fake deep voice. It sounds like you already have ideas so just be who you are.

 

[njlauren]

You don't have to be an alpha to be a dom to your wife's sub, you can simply be you and be dom, that is the cool part. The image of the dom, demeaning his sub, talking down to her, commanding her like I wouldn't talk to a dog, may be the way some swing, but it doesn't have to be. Dominance in my opinion is more about the dynamic, energy, between the two people, and the thing is, you can dom someone, take control, and do it in a nice way, and that is fine. You don't have to say "slave, get your ass over that bench so I can tie you up", you can say "sweetie, please show me that incredible ass by draping yourself over that bench". You can tell her what to do, and she follows, but do it nicely, commands are done by body language, voice and desire to serve......now maybe she would like you to be more rough, call her names, or something, but I think what she really may want is to let you drive the agenda, instead of asking her "dear, can I tie you up", you simple say "dear, go lie on the bed, face down, and wait for me"......still loving and nice, but commanding, too.

I have a friend of mine, a pro domme who is lifestyle, who has a female partner she loves and adores and they are in a 24/7 TPE, yet they look simply like two people in love, but they are very, very real of who is in control. If the domme says "could you get me a cup of coffee, please" it is no different in the control there then "Get me a cup of coffee, slave", just the form is a bit different.

Personally, I think you are already doing the right thing, you are communicating and negotiating and more importantly, learning..and taking it where you want to. The books are great (I recommend the ones listed), and it is really cool to meet other people, to share ideas, get advice, but you can be a D/s couple and to the outside world look like jane and joe vanilla, you don't need leather, whips, floggers and such to have a D/s, D/s is in the heart and the head (though you may find somewhere down the line you both find excitement in more then you do now; one of the nice parts about this, there is no timeline, and ya never know which way it will go.

 

[vgrey]

Sounds like you are both going to have a great time learning and building an entirely new aspect of your life together! Best of luck!

 

[kermit1977]

Thank you! My initial state of total and absolute confusion and terror to some extent has dies down somewhat and im ok now

Your replies really help in giving this a proper place and context in my mind. I started out with visions of me having to start being all over her and demanding and things but thats just nonsense. I get to be myself.

Its actually what she wants i guess... for me to be me and to act confident and being the captain of our love boat, not our battleship.

 

[AaronAardvark]

Roleplay

If you are role playing good acting isn't about volume or timbre, you can fill a big auditorium full of people in fur coats with a stage whisper. Nor is necessarily about costumes, though don't rule them out they can be lot's of fun (see below). It's all about annunciation and timing. So, take your time, speak clearly and pause to allow things sink in. Tie her up then describe slowly and clearly just what you are about to do to her, taking your time; after all she's not going anywhere. In many situations the anticipation of events is as, or more, intense than the deed. Write her little notes telling her what she's going to have to do later on. Once had a girlfriend who drove me mad, she'd phone me at the end of my morning tea break to tell me what position she wanted us to use than night.

That lady also summed up the real difficulty, creativity. The hard part is to keep thinking of something new to try and keeping what she likes best in reserve. Same girlfriend, if I had been a grump, used to husk the single word 'doggy' and ring off.

That's why I visit Literotica. Occasionally someone suggests something novel.