Help? Memorial poem for a soldier

[MagicaPractica]

I'm working on a memorial poem to honor a soldier I knew. A couple of the rhymes feel forced but it started out rhyming and I'd like to keep it that way. Any suggestions or things you notice would be very helpful. I'm particularly looking at lines two and four of stanza three. Are they alright? Thanks for your help.

He Came Home Today

He came home today
But not to a ticker-tape parade.
Instead, a horse drawn wagon
processed to where he'll be laid.

An improvised explosive
Near his armored car
Took the life we held so dear
And left us where we are,

Standing at graveside,
With his flag draped coffin
Twenty-one guns salute
Waiting for Taps to begin.

On every Sunday morning
We watch the names scroll past
With pictures of their young faces.
How long will this war last?

 

[wildsweetone]

I'm working on a memorial poem to honor a soldier I knew. A couple of the rhymes feel forced but it started out rhyming and I'd like to keep it that way. Any suggestions or things you notice would be very helpful. I'm particularly looking at lines two and four of stanza three. Are they alright? Thanks for your help.

He Came Home Today

He came home today
But not to a ticker-tape parade.
Instead, a horse drawn wagon
processed to where he'll be laid.

An improvised explosive
Near his armored car
Took the life we held so dear
And left us where we are.

Standing at graveside,
With his flag draped coffin
After the twenty one gun salute
Waiting for Taps to begin.

On every Sunday morning
We watch the names scroll past
With pictures of their young faces.
How long will this war last?

the word 'processed' doesn't seem to feel right to me. i guess you mean a procession (i have seen and know about the Patriot Guard Riders and how they have processions for returned servicemen). 'processed' sounds a little too harsh.

i suggest a comma after stanza 2, line 4.

i think stanza 3, line 3 might be the possible problem. the syllable count is two more than previous line 3s.

hope some of this helps.

i am sorry for your loss.

 

[MagicaPractica]

the word 'processed' doesn't seem to feel right to me. i guess you mean a procession (i have seen and know about the Patriot Guard Riders and how they have processions for returned servicemen). 'processed' sounds a little too harsh.

i suggest a comma after stanza 2, line 4.

i think stanza 3, line 3 might be the possible problem. the syllable count is two more than previous line 3s.

hope some of this helps.

i am sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your help. I agree about the comma. Thanks for the idea about the syllable count. I'll look at that and see what I can do. I agree, I just don't know how to fix it.

I actually had the last line of stanza one saying "processed to where he was laid" originally and I think it sounds better but it doesn't work with the tense of stanza three. I think it depends too on how you pronounce the word. Hard to discuss online as I'm not skilled at writing phonetics but I think it sounds okay as long as you are reading it the way procession sounds, as in a parade, instead of process, like processed cheese. Pro sound rather than Prah and emphasis on the second syllable. i.e. Pro - cessed

 

[bogusbrig]

I don't want to get into the politics here but you need to decide if you are writing a poem for the soldier as a man in his own right or the fallen soldier as a patriotic icon or even the soldier's death as a poem of protest.

A difficult problem you have set yourself and one you need to resolve in your own mind to write a satisfying poem. I get the feeling you are trying to pay homage while showing desent against the war, though I'm not certain.

 

[MagicaPractica]

I don't want to get into the politics here but you need to decide if you are writing a poem for the soldier as a man in his own right or the fallen soldier as a patriotic icon or even the soldier's death as a poem of protest.

A difficult problem you have set yourself and one you need to resolve in your own mind to write a satisfying poem. I get the feeling you are trying to pay homage while showing desent against the war, though I'm not certain.

I'm trying to avoid showing dissent against the war while paying homage to a soldier who died and yet express the grief we feel at losing our men and women during this time. I would say I am combining the "poem for the soldier as a man in his own right" with the "fallen soldier as a patriotic icon."

 

[bogusbrig]

It might be worth taking a quick read as to how some war poets approached the subject. Though the war poets actually fought and would have a different perspective of war than someone wanting to pay homage to a soldier that is being brought home in a coffin.

I think you have given yourself a difficult problem because to write a good poem (in my view) on this subject, you need to somehow avoid being jingoistic and emptying the soldier of his humanity and turning him into a political pawn.

good luck, I'd be interested to read your finished poem.

 

[MagicaPractica]

It might be worth taking a quick read as to how some war poets approached the subject. Though the war poets actually fought and would have a different perspective of war than someone wanting to pay homage to a soldier that is being brought home in a coffin.

I think you have given yourself a difficult problem because to write a good poem (in my view) on this subject, you need to somehow avoid being jingoistic and emptying the soldier of his humanity and turning him into a political pawn.

good luck, I'd be interested to read your finished poem.

Thank you for your suggestions. I think I will try to put a little more of him as a person into it.