Help me

[christcat69]

Nocturnal Emission

I know I switch to and froe with past and present tense but I've been working on that. I think I may need an editor.

 

[Guest]

Okey. I'll give it a go. I'm still learning too, so I request that someone corrects what I've done.
Ray
LadyP
jon
WisperS
Anyone?
*******
Raven lies in bed tossing and turning. She looks very uneasy and restless in her sleep. In the depth of her mind she is somewhere else entirely. She is running through an immense garden labyrinth, running hard and fast like someone or something is chasing her.

She feels such a strong pull each way. She feels herself wanting to give in but some force urges her on. Some divine force needs her to keep moving. Raven is thinking," I can't give in, I can't give in," and at that very moment she stumbles over her own feet. Snakes slither over her and wrap around her, binding her to the ground where she lies.

The divine force urging her on is now gone. As she falls submissive to the serpents, she can feel the divine force suffocating until it is no more. Now she is beginning to be overcome by new feelings of extreme desire and passion. This passion burns deep and pure, so pure the fire is blinding.

Suddenly, floating mysteriously above her, appears an enchanting being, too beautiful to be deemed either male or female. The being is pure ionic, androgynous energy. It doesn't seem so threatening, now. Its eyes seem to tell the story of the world, and possibly beyond.

Raven gives in to the shadows; they are grabbing at her. She doesn't even notice that her temptress has taken the form of a ravishing woman and silently ordering the snakes away.

Now only this being's eyes are cradling Raven into comfortable submission. Its eyes are pure blue like tropical waters, but there is no solidity to them. They contain endless knowledge and wisdom. The depth of this being is infinite; mortals have lost their lives trying to find its core.

Being held in this moment with animalistic lust and pure desire, Raven gives in to her subconscious. This delectable form stands before her, gazing into her eyes, holding her there so tight, in that look.

This wonderful incubus runs its slender, alabaster hands over the nape of Raven's neck, imprisoning her to submission. Raven can no longer control her deep-seeded emotions, grabbing at her, pulling at the crotch of her pants.

At this moment, this nameless beauty grows its fangs, ripping the crotch out of Raven's pants, aggressively twisting her body sideways and teasing her with its fangs. It feels so erotic and real that Raven moans sweetly in the depths of her sleep.

As Raven's back arches in euphoric bliss, her captor swirles its tongue gently over Ravens clit and abruptly spanks her. This makes Raven even more wet and she begins to quiver silently.

Her captor draws away from Raven and seductively wets its long, slender fingers. Raven's mind reels as she straddles the first finger and this gorgeous form resumes suckling and flicking her clit with its brilliant tongue. The captor penetrates Raven with a soft rocking motion at first, and then begins slowly removing its finger, making Raven want it.

Just before Raven thinks she can take no more, her siren crams two fingers inside her, hard and deep. Raven's thighs start to convulse and she feels her heart stop.

This moment is pure and simple; the most free Raven has felt in a long time. She can no longer see anything. She only feels, these fingers fucking her harder and deeper and this tongue manipulating her so smoothly. Everything is black and suddenly she explodes, submitting to these hands and this tongue. She realizes she is in the blackness of her own bedroom.

 

[Guest]

Past tense
*****************

Raven lay in bed tossing and turning. She looked very uneasy and restless in her sleep. In the depths of her mind she was somewhere else entirely. She was running through an immense garden labyrinth, running hard and fast like someone or something was chasing her.

She could feel such a strong pull each way. She felt herself wanting to give in but some force urged her on. Some divine force needed her to keep moving. She was thinking," I can't give in, I can't give in," and at that very moment she stumbled over her own feet. Snakes slithered over her and wrapped around her, binding her to the ground where she lay.

The divine force urging her on was now gone. As she fell submissive to the serpents, she could feel the divine force suffocating until it was no more. Now she was beginning to be overcome by new feelings of extreme desire and passion. This passion burned deep and pure, so pure the fire was almost blinding.

Suddenly, floating mysteriously above her, appeared an enchanting being, too beautiful to be deemed either male or female. This being was pure ionic, androgynous energy and now it didn't seem so threatening. Its eyes seemed to tell the story of the world, and possibly beyond.

Raven gave in to the shadows, which were grabbing at her. She hadn't even noticed that her temptress had taken the form of a ravishing woman and had silently ordered the snakes away.

Now only this beings eyes were cradling Raven into comfortable submission. Its eyes were pure blue like tropical waters, but there was no solidity to them. They contained endless knowledge and wisdom. The depth of this being was infinite and mortals had lost their lives trying to find its core.

Held in this moment with animalistic lust and pure desire, Raven gave in to her subconscious. This delectable form stood before her, gazing into her eyes, holding her there so tight, in that look.

This wonderful incubus ran her slender, alabaster hands over the nape of Ravens neck, imprisoning her to submission. Raven could no longer control her deep-seeded emotions, grabbing at her, pulling at the crotch of her pants.

At this moment, this nameless beauty grew its fangs, ripped the crotch out of her pants, aggressively twisted her body sideways and teased her with its fangs. It felt so erotic and real that Raven moaned sweetly in the depths of her sleep.

As her back arched in euphoric bliss, her capture swirled her tongue gently over Ravens clit and abruptly spanked her. This made Raven even more wet and she began to quiver silently.

Her capture drew away from Raven and seductively wet its long, slender fingers. Raven's mind reeled as she straddled the first finger and this gorgeous form resumed suckling and flicking her clit with its brilliant tongue. She penetrated her with a soft rocking motion at first, and then began slowly removing her finger, making Raven want it.

Just before Raven thought she could take no more, her siren crammed two fingers inside her, hard and deep. Ravens thighs started to convulse and she could feel her heart stop.

This moment was pure and simple; the most free Raven had felt in a long time. She could no longer see anything. She could only feel, these fingers fucking her harder and deeper and this tongue manipulating her so smoothly. Everything was black and suddenly she exploded, submitting to these hands and this tongue. She realized she was in the blackness of her own bedroom.

 

[NoJo]

I think:

running hard and fast like someone or something were chasing her.
...
Now she begins to be overcome
...
Held in this moment with animal lust...
(I don't like changing other peoples adjectives, but omitting "Being" at the beginning I'm pretty sure about)


Nice story christcat69!

 

[NoJo]

My post was referring to present tense.
I preferred it.

Chilled, will you do future tense next?

 

[Guest]

Can anyone check on my use of semi-colon in my first post(present tense)?
*****************

Raven would be lying in bed tossing and turning. She'll look very uneasy and restless in her sleep. In the depths of her mind she'll be somewhere else entirely. She'd be running through an immense garden labyrinth, running hard and fast as if someone or something are chasing her.

She'll be feeling such a strong pull each way. She'll be feeling herself wanting to give in but some force would be urging her on. Some divine force need her to keep moving. She'll be thinking," I can't give in, I can't give in," and at that very moment she will stumble over her own feet. Snakes will slither over her and wrap around her, binding her to the ground where she'd be lying.

The divine force urgeing her on will be gone. As she would be falling submissive to the serpents, she'd feel the divine force suffocating until it is no more. She'll be beginning to be overcome by new feelings of extreme desire and passion. This passion burns deep and pure, so pure the fire will almost be blinding.

Suddenly, floating mysteriously above her, an enchanting being would appear, too beautiful too be deemed either male or female. This being are pure ionic, androgynous energy and now it won't seem so threatening. Its eyes would seem to tell the story of the world, and possibly beyond.

Raven would've already given in to the shadows, which will be grabbing at her. She wouldn't even notice that her temptress is taking the form of a ravishing woman and ordering the snakes away.

Now only this beings eyes would be cradling Raven into comfortable submission. Its eyes will be pure blue like tropical waters, but there won't be no solidity to them. They would contain endless knowledge and wisdom. The depth of this being is infinite and mortals have lost their lives trying to find its core.

Held in this moment with animalistic lust and pure desire, Raven would give in to her subconscious. This delectable form will be standing before her, gazing into her eyes, holding her there so tight, in that look.

This wonderful incubus will run its slender, alabaster hands over the nape of Ravens neck, imprisoning her to submission. Raven will no longer be able to control her deep-seeded emotions, grabbing at her, pulling at the crotch of her pants.

At this moment, this nameless beauty would grow its fangs, ripping the crotch out of her pants, aggressively twisting her body sideways and teasing her with its fangs. It would feel so erotic and real that Raven will moan sweetly in the depths of her sleep.

As her back arches in euphoric bliss, her capture would swirle her tongue gently over Ravens clit and abruptly spank her. This will make Raven even more wet and she'd begin to quiver silently.

Her captor will draw away from Raven and seductively wet its long, slender fingers. Raven's mind would reel as she straddles the first finger and this gorgeous form will resume suckling and flicking her clit with its brilliant tongue. It would penetrate Raven with a soft rocking motion at first, and then begin slowly removing its finger, making Raven want it.

Just before Raven would think she can'ttake no more, her siren will cram two fingers inside her, hard and deep. Ravens thighs will start to convulse and she'd feel her heart stop.

This moment is pure and simple; the most free Raven will be feeling in a long time. She will no longer see anything. She will only feel, these fingers fucking her harder and deeper and this tongue manipulating her so smoothly. Everything would be black and suddenly she'd explode, submitting to these hands and this tongue. She would realize she is in the blackness of her own bedroom.

 

[NoJo]

The future is tense

'Would' is subjunctive of 'be' -- I would if...
'Will' is future. (Actually 'shall', not 'will').
Basically, search and replace 'would' with 'shall'.

I think you get a weird effect with future tense. It's the tense of Dramatic Irony, where some omniscient narrator introduces the story showing how all the characters are slaves of destiny, like the Chorus do in Oedipus.

 

[christcat69]

You guys are awesome

Thank you both so much for your help. I think I will go with the present tense just because it gives you the feel of it, like you're watching it happen. I'm glad you liked the peice and I hope to write more like it if I can just get past this damn block. Once again, I am very appreciative of your help guys. Thank you.

 

[NoJo]

Keep writing!

christcat, I just wanted to say something I really believe strongly. Grammar is great to get perfect, but it's really nothing to do with the story, not important, I mean. And I really liked the story!
I think it's like music -- you can be great a singer technically, but if the song sucks -- no one cares. And if the the song's great, no one really cares how technically "good" the singer is!
But tenses are kind of important, I guess, because of time being important in stories

Joe

 

[80niner]

christcat69

Your tenses are all screwed up. You begin in present tense and wind up in past tense.

I do not like writing in present tense because it is very difficut to maintain throughout a piece of writing.

You you too much passive voice. Try eliminating as much use of forms of the verb “to be” as possible.

It is not her Capture, it is her Captor

I line edited this piece it because it is short. If I were you I would download this version and compare it with the original and try to figure out why I eliminated a lot of words and phrases. Doesn’t it read easier and lose nothing?

80niner

Nocturnal Emissions
by christcat69 ©


Raven is in bed, tossing and turning, restless in her sleep. In the depths of her mind she is somewhere else, running through an immense garden labyrinth as though someone or something were chasing her.

She feels a strong pull each way. She wants to give in but some internal, divine force urges her to keep moving. Her thought become a mantra, "I can't give in, I can't give in." At that moment she stumbles. Snakes slither over her and coil around her, binding her to the ground.

The force urging her on is gone. She falls submissive to the serpents and the divine force suffocates until it is no more. She is overcome by desire. The passion burns deep and pure and the fire is blinding.

Floating mysteriously overhead, appears an enchanting figure, too beautiful too be deemed male or female. This being, pure ionic, androgynous energy does not. seem so threatening. Its eyes tell the story of the world, and possibly beyond.

Raven gives in to the shadows clutching at her. She hasn’t noticed her temptress has taken the form of a ravishing woman and silently ordered the snakes away.

This beings eyes cradles Raven into comfortable submission. Its eyes were pure blue like tropical waters, but there is no solidity to them. They contain endless knowledge and wisdom. The depth of this being is infinite. Mortals have lost their lives trying to find its core.

Held in the moment by its animalistic lust, Raven surrenders to her subconscious. That delectable form stands before her, gazing into her eyes, holding her in that look.

The incubus runs her slender, alabaster hands along Ravens neck, imprisoning her to submission. Raven no longer controls her deep-seated emotions. It grabs at her, pulling at the crotch of her pants.

This nameless beauty grew fangs. It ripped the crotch from her pants, twisted her body and teased her with its fangs. It felt erotic and real. Raven moaned in the depths of her sleep.

Her back arched in euphoric bliss. Her captor swirled tongue over Ravens clit and abruptly spanked her. This made Raven wet and she quivered silently.

Her captor drew away from Raven and seductively wet its long, slender fingers. Raven straddled the first finger and that gorgeous form resumed sucking and flicking her clit with its tongue. She penetrated her with a soft rocking motion at first, and then began slowly removing her finger, making Raven crave it.

When Raven thought she could take no more, her siren crammed another fingers inside her, hard and deep. Ravens thighs convulsed and she felt her heart stop.

The moment is pure and simple; the freest Raven has felt in a long time. She longer sees anything. She only fees, those fingers fucking her harder and deeper and this tongue manipulating her so smoothly. Everything is black. Suddenly she explodes. Submitting to those fingers and that tongue. Raven awakes in the blackness of her own bedroom.

Ravens Vampress

You step out from the shadows,
And the darkness stays with you.
You suck my life from me and I am reborn,
Sink your teeth in and I feel anew.

There is light beyond the black,
I never knew I’d see the world this way.
Or find a reason for us to meet this night,
And show me the world would crumble in dismay.

The world rocks violently beneath me,
I still believe it infinite, as I had before.
Now you are here to open my eyes,
And show me there is so much more.

A thousand of years of knowledge and wisdom,
You beckon me to hold within my being.
I take you in and become infinite as well,
I awaken and it’s all been a dream.