Help me to improve my stories........

[Dolma Kalem]

I currently have two stories on this excellent site, and I wonder if anyone who has read them, would like to give me some feedback.

The stories are:

Contract End, and Office Games.

I would value your comments immensely. The most important element to any writer, is what did the story mean to the reader.

If anyone would like to submit ideas, that they think I could work with, again I'd appreciate them.

Thanks in anticipation of your help.

 

[MaxSebastian]

The best way to solicit a response on these feedback boards is to provide an easy link to your stories via that nice little button marked 'http://' - above and to the left of where you are writing the request.

So we can then go to:

Contract End

or Office Games

without all the bother of searching for your member page.





As for the stories...


Contract End - well, first of all you need to sort out your paragraphs. They're just far too long - especially for online reading, but even offline, just too long. You need new paragraphs for new thoughts, new subjects. Too many lines all heaped together is a strain on the eyes and you want to make it as easy as possible for readers here. Perhaps try and get a volunteer editor to help you if you find it difficult.

You write very, very good sex - there's no doubting that. Imaginative, pacy, steamy. That's obviously the most important part, but you fall down in actually getting there, I think. The build-up is very swift, and you ruin the possibility of suspense in getting to the sex. We all know there's going to be sex - it's a given - so you have a prime opportunity in teasing the reader - giving them a glimpse here or a glimpse there, perhaps during the meal - and making them desperate to get to the actual sex. When they do get there, the suspense will make it all the more memorable.

The characters need looking at, too. If you do go through a bit more of a build up, there's time to show a bit more of the characters - so far up until the sex, there's been no actual interaction between the characters at all. You need more dialogue, more flirting. We get to the stage where the girls thank him for a wonderful evening just before the sex starts, and we're wondering 'what wonderful evening?' For example, from the sounds of it, I thought these two girls were call girls - otherwise, why would they suddenly get in a room with him so quick?

When you do write dialogue, you should try and get away from using a single quote from someone and then no reply. Get some interaction going - it's not difficult, and it really helps with character.



Office Games - similar points to those outlined above. Particularly - those mammoth paragraphs! It gets especially bad when there's two people talking within the mass of a single paragraph. Try and start each new person's speech on a new line.

Good sex, though, undeniably - you have a lot of talent in that direction. With a little work here and there, who knows what you could accomplish?

 

[Kiall]

Dolma,

Reall loved the stories the Sex was vivid and fast paced and described beautifly. You definatly show talent there.

I do agree with Max about the Paragraphs but things like that are just fine tuning Well done Great Stories.

Kiall

 

[Dolma Kalem]

Thanks guys for taking the trouble to reply, Max and Kiall, I appreciate it

I'm still finding my way around the site, so I understand and agree with Max's point around asking for feedback!

Paragraphs, ok! I'll look at this. I must admit, that I find it quite difficult to read stories on line, I tend to print them and then read. So I appreciate the tip.

Characters, fair enough. It's tempting to get to the action, and some people want that. But I guess erotica requires more depth, so again I'll work on it.

Thanks for the kind comments about the sex. That was very encouraging. See you guys around!
Dolma

 

[MissVirgin]

Good job, Dolma Kalem

Hello Dolma Kalem:

I just read Contract End. The paragraphs are wordy, but the images you conquer up in the reader's mind is brilliant.

Just some editing work and your stories will be perfect, Dolma. That'll come in time. Don't rush. I like a man who takes his time. Good luck and keep writing!

MissVirgin

 

[Dolma Kalem]

Thanks MissVirgin.

I do appreciate your comments. I'm especially encouraged by the good feedback about the content. I will work hard on the technical aspects. My next story will reflect all of the advice I've received.