Help me to become a better writer(poem inside)

[Masterisall]

...........................

 

[vapidwhore101]

Very touching words Masterisall. I enjoyed your writing as the words remind me of a relationship I had once. Thank you for sharing!

 

[unapologetic]

A couple of things

One, there are quite a few typos that would have been caught by a spellcheck. I know it might seem counter to the poetic process, but so are typos.

Two, read it aloud to yourself. If you trip over words, cut them or re-write them.

The poem is great, though. Just needs some tweaking.

 

[wildsweetone]

unfortunately i can't get past the technical stuff to be able to read the poem comfortably. my choice of one thing for you to look at is this:

do you need the capital letters at the beginning of the lines as you have chosen?

why are they not all capitalised? (you have not shown consistency with this choice).

hope this is helpful.

 

[Masterisall]

well the capitalizations seem to be mistakes lol
if it was like BEfore or written somehting like that it was not meant ot be like that.

 

[wildsweetone]

well the capitalizations seem to be mistakes lol
if it was like BEfore or written somehting like that it was not meant ot be like that.

unfortunately i don't get to see how it was meant to be, i only get to see the version you have posted.

here's a helpful hint. when you type your poem into the reply box it will underline many words that are spelt incorrectly. if you right click on each of those words it will give you an option of the correct spelling. choose the correct word and click it and it will replace the misspelled word in your post. it also seems to red underline BEfore, however the option it gives you is 'be fore' which is not the word you meant. give it a go, it's worth trying at least.

 

[Masterisall]

i tried that typo thing it seems not to work for me.

 

[annaswirls]

i tried that typo thing it seems not to work for me.

I do not have spell check here either, but surely you must have some sort of word processor? Spelling is not the soul of the poem, but it sure helps people in.

 

[Angeline]

Dear Masterisall,

Hello and welcome to the forum. You got some good advice from the others who posted in this thread and you seem to have a great attitude about accepting critique. That is a fast route to learning and improving oneself as a poet in my opinion.

Your poem is heartfelt and loving. That comes across clearly to the reader and that's good. I think though that you have got caught up in trying to sound "poetic" and that usually results in writing that feels stiff and unnatural. I think your poem would be more effective if its tone were more conversational. If you were sitting next to the person this poem is for and telling her what is in your heart, what would you say? Probably many of the same things but more naturally because you'd just be talking. If you talk your natural voice, the way you converse, and add to that images that demonstrate what you mean, your poem will be effortlessly poetic.

The other advice I would give you is to edit your poem, not just for spelling and grammar, but also to get rid of any unnecessary words. For example, you say "you actually payed attention." The word "actually" is superfluous here; it's sufficient to say "paid attention" And beyond that it would be even better to show how she paid attention. Did she take your hand? Look into your eyes? Was her hand warm? Trembling? Did she nod? Was there a tear in the corner of her eye? These are the kinds of details that turn a prosaic phrase into poetry. They allow the reader to "see" what is happening. Poetry is art, not just telling what happened. It's a painting made from words.

When one first starts writing poems it seems impossible to achieve that, but if you read lots of poetry and discover what appeals to you and try to identify what qualities in the poems you like that appeal to you. If you write every day you will get progressively better. At some point in this process you will transition into your own poetic voice and that is when it really gets fun.

I hope you take this as friendly, helpful critique. I intend it that way. If you just keep plugging away with the reading and writing, your poetry will keep getting better. You may find that you need to edit a poem many times before you are really satisfied with it. Sometimes you may need to take a break from a poem and return to it--that often gives you fresh perspective. And as for rhyme--use it or not, but keep it natural and it'll work. Oh, and use the formal feedback threads in this forum: the Gymnasium, Poetry in Progress, Not for the Thin-Skinned. You'll get lots of feedback in those threads from others who are serious about their writing. The folks who participate in those threads are good critical readers and they'll see things you've missed.

Peace,
Angline

 

[Masterisall]

Thanks very much for the critique angline!!! I am off to write another poem lol.