Help me out

[hereiam_now]

New Relationship Format

Well, I am looking for a little advice. My gf and I have been together in a long-term committed loving relationship. The catch is that we are both bi-curious, and very open with each other about it. In fact, I have always encouraged her to pursue a same-sex relationship if she found one, with the caveat that I just needed to be kept in the loop on what was happening, and she expressed the same sentiment to me. We made it through college together in large part because we have never felt that our relationship was keeping us from exploring other options.

Recently, my gf began flirting heavily with one of her friends, who happens to be a lesbian. She is one of a core group of three close friends that my gf has, but the girl that I have spent the least time with. I was given plenty of information on my gf’s intentions to pursue this. The feelings were reciprocated, and this week they finally expressed their interest to each other. Last night was the first night that they spent with each other. Out of respect my gf did come home to spend the night, and we had the best sex of our lives as she described every detail of the night.

If you asked me a week ago I would probably have told you that I would have been jealous. Last night, I did feel a little anxious, but I realized this wasn’t because I was jealous. It was because I knew everything about the situation (my gf’s feelings, what was going to happened), but the other woman’s feelings. The other women (lets call her Sue) is a “true” lesbian (sorry I can’t come up with a better word). She is unwilling to let me have any participation in their time together or even let me get to know her better. I understand that she is probably confused by the situation – I am confused and have had 5 years to prepare myself. Another thought just popped into my head to explain why this is so hard. This arrangement is not widespread, therefore there are no social constructions on how to behave. When you are dating someone in a standard 1-on-1 relationship you know for the most part what they are expecting (or what they should be expecting). I understand that this will make communication the most important aspect as the three of us go forward

I have two main questions; one that really needs to be answered, and the other that is just a confusion to me. The first is how can I get “Sue” to accept me? Right now I am feeling guilty for having a penis (it isn’t the best feeling). I would be absolutely be happy if they could develop some sort of relationship, but this will require me to have some sort of relationship with “Sue.” I would love to spend time with her in a non-sexual way.

The second is to help me understand why she would be so uncomfortable with me even being in the room when they had sex. Now I understand the idea of it, but it doesn’t really register with me. I am very bi-curious, and I assume this is altering my perception. When I look at sex I see it as “fun,” and I know that my gf would agree. In my mind the intimacy of a close relationship is all but divorced from the acts of sex. This is why I have not felt jealous over what has happened. But, because of this thought process I see both sets of sex organs as fun. I would love to play with a penis or a vagina. I guess that my question is for people who consider themselves truly “straight” or truly “gay,” do you really not like the other sex of sex organs to the point of exclusion? If you do is it a matter of being grossed out by the thought, by the sight, where does the hang-up come from? Do you fear them or just not prefer them? I really want to understand. This leads to my ultimate justifications for my own worldview, “Why cut out 50% of the population before even beginning your pursuit?”

 

[fergus4]

Heavy questions to say the least.

About your involvment with "Sue". "Sue" may NEVER want involvement with you....you can not (nor should not) try to force her to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. What does this mean between you and your g/f? You and she have to maintain open and honest communication. You need to set the ground rules and have trust and openess to live by them....and to continue to address issues as they arrise.

From the sound of it, you and she agreed to pursue other same-sex relationships, but never said anything about the other "being involved" (at least not any more so than hearing the details). With that, why should you expect your g/f to include you in her activities with "Sue"? If your feeling have changed on that....communicate it immediately and with as much clarity and mutual respect as possible.

About sex vs love. For most people (particularly women) sex and love and commitment ARE tied to each other. There is also an "ick" factor for many about homosexuality. This is not so much a "hang-up" as it is a natural biological reaction that most people have. Not all people have the same reaction, so it is just as natural for some people to be homosexual, some to be bi-sexual, and some to seperate sex from love. For many, the endophins and pheremones released during these acts serve to bond each other in a love relationship....at least in a surface sort of way. REAL love comes through time, respect, understanding....and most of all....when the passion dies away.....there must be compassion.

If you enjoy sex as a seperate act from love that's just great! Remember that not everyone (inlcuding those you may be in relationships with) sees it that way. Have mutual respect for their views and their emotional needs as well as your own. This will help lead you to success.

fergus

 

[pop_54]

You my friend have problems... I know where I'm coming from before others jump in and attack us here, my wife of 25 yrs is bisexual and is in a long time relationship with another woman, a relationship that has worked very well in with our marriage... But it isn't going to be that way every time with everyone, all situations are different... I've seen it first hand with others who've gone down this road.

You my friend need to sit and have a long chat with your G/F find out her true feelings and intentions with 'Sue' and the lesbian relationship, is it infatuation and a novelty, or is she going to fall for 'Sue' big time... 'Sue' will not accept you into the relationship if she is full on gay and has no kinky interest in having you there, she is the 'man' of that relationship, to her you are another man, and she might not be comfortable with another man in the pot as it were... I guarantee 'Sue' will be feeling jealousy of you, if not now, eventually, she will want your girl for her own, and will try to turn her against you if you don't handle this right... Don't push the business of joining them if it's apparent they don't want you with them, you'll just have to make do with dreams and second hand information... If your girl truly does turn bi she'll hook up with other bi girls eventually who will let you in, girls who might want you there to spice it up, 'Sue' never will accept you as a spicing up if she doesn't do men.

Talk about it friend, and your next move should be, trying to seduce your girl into a relationship with another man so that you can satisfy your bisex curiosity as well, but don't pick a full on gay guy, it'll only go completely the other way to now.

pops two penny worth.

 

[hereiam_now]

Well...

I think that you have given very good advice, but you also misunderstood me. I do not want to be involved sexually with “Sue.” I simply meant being involved as a friend, or at least acquaintance. When I told my gf to pursue this we did discuss what involvement I would have and it was decided that it would be up to her and her partner to decide what was appropriate.

It should be noted that I was on my way to being friends with “Sue” before this started, and now she seems reluctant to even see me. My immediate reaction upon sensing this was that she now saw me as “the other man.” I was hoping that by understanding her (and her sexuality) better I would be able to avoid this to some extent. Is that possible?

Also, I am finding myself much more ready to experience bisexual activities myself. I was apparently holding back to see if my gf would actually go through with it, but now I feel like it would be the perfect time to experiment. Is that normal?

I remember being confused in my human sexuality class in college when they claimed that sexual identity is not static, but represents a spectrum of possibilities. This experience is quickly showing me that this assumption was correct. I am finding that people who are very straight have more in common with people who are very gay than either side would like to admit.

 

[hereiam_now]

more

They had a discussion for about 2 hours before anything happened. Discussing their expectations, and limits. My girlfriend made it very clear that what they were doing was casual, and that after it was done she would be with me. Now I understand that this will not completely quelch the other's urge to "have her for herself," but at least she was warned.

I also made sure that my girlfriend and I sat down for more than an hour before this left, and discussed what we both were feeling, and what we expected.