Help me improve

[August_Bouvier]

I'm wondering if you can lend me a fresh set of eyes. I'm hoping for pointers on what I can do better and what I'm doing well, what's eh, okay.

I'd categorize my stories as erotic-romance. So if that's not your thing, be warned.

I've asked myself "Is this romantic enough for Romance? Erotic enough for EC?" every time I've submitted a chapter. I think I'll submit this series in EC from here on out because I find the romance stories are definitely more story driven than I think mine is at this point. Mine is more of a slow build-up, plus I'm a novice writer.

The story might feel more cohesive if read as a whole, but I think each chapter can stand alone. Here's the newest submission.

I appreciate your helpful feedback.


With thanks,

August

 

[The_Fractal_King]

You're good. I liked the characters personalities and the narrator's schema coming across in her thoughts. The dialogue/thought juxtaposition reminds me of comic-books (which I do consider a positive).

The only major problem I saw was that the transition from the phone call to her memory should have included a demarcation. Italics, as emphasis not thought, seem a little bit over used but not out of place.

Not exactly my cup of tea but I really enjoyed it.

 

[August_Bouvier]

The only major problem I saw was that the transition from the phone call to her memory should have included a demarcation. Italics, as emphasis not thought, seem a little bit over used but not out of place.

I was going back and forth on how to intoduce the flashbacks immediately prior and during the second phone call, without it coming off as: alert, alert...time transition ahead. Didn't want the reader to feel like I didn't think they could figure it out, but also wanted it to be a fluid transition. It's something for me to pay attention to in the future. Thank you.

I appreciate your critique, especially since it's not your cup of tea. Glad you like it.


A

 

[ellynei]

The only major problem I saw was that the transition from the phone call to her memory should have included a demarcation.

I second that.

Otherwise, really good. There was a few places in the girls conversation where I had to read up to see who was saying what. Might have been because my brain was overspent and a bit tired when I started reading.

I really didn't feel much like reading before I began, (because of that already overspent brain etc, monitor tired eyes and such too hehe, really wish lit used a more reading friendly background than this white hehe,) well during the read I forgot how much I really didn't feel like reading cause I got so caught up in the story.

Well done!

Found a few sentences I think needs fixing, quite possibly typos involved:

"while he washed his fingertips with her." <-- don't give me a picture of litterally dirty fingertips using a womans private parts as laundromat please. (I mean it don't fit into this particular story )

"Knowing her arousal put the pleased look on his face was heady stuff."<-- must be a typo in there.

"Sean must have misread her squirming because parted her legs." <-- forgot a word?

"But the action sent his rigid length gliding over delicate nerves." <-- whose nerves? and why the but? (it makes sense when reading the next paragraph but still, I stopped and read a few times to make sense before moving on and finding the sense)


What else can I say? This was good stuff, and you were right, it can be read as a stand alone.

Not my usual reading but, in spite of myself, I liked it lots.

 

[ellynei]

Make the top of my reply "girls' conversation"

 

[The_Fractal_King]

There's an edit button for that, darn it!

 

[August_Bouvier]

The only major problem I saw was that the transition from the phone call to her memory should have included a demarcation.

Just to be clear, were you suggesting I denote that section--flashback during the phone call--with a timestamp as I'd done in certain parts of the chapter?

There was a few places in the girls conversation where I had to read up to see who was saying what. Might have been because my brain was overspent and a bit tired when I started reading.

Gotcha. I was trying not to overuse the three women's names to the point it distracted from the dialogue, while trying to let it be clear who was speaking. I can see this section being less smooth for the tired or hurried reader. Now I know why guide books suggest using two-person dialogue. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

...well during the read I forgot how much I really didn't feel like reading cause I got so caught up in the story.

*Beams*

...don't give me a picture of litterally dirty fingertips using a womans private parts as laundromat please.

This made me laugh...at myself. Here I thought I was being delicate. Point taken.

I should probably check into getting an editor/beta-reader. I proof read many times before submitting and catch a lot of errors but a fresh pair of eyes is best.

Thank you for the encouraging words and pointers.


-A

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Just to be clear, were you suggesting I denote that section--flashback during the phone call--with a timestamp as I'd done in certain parts of the chapter?

Usually it's just a line of some sort.

From simple:

* * * *

to ridiculous:

o--~~)(H)(~~--o

 

[August_Bouvier]

to ridiculous:

o--~~)(H)(~~--o

Artistic, even. Hilarious, yes.