Help in improving my writing

[Hisscarlett]

I posted the following in the Author's Hangout Forum and was advised to repost it here. I would really appreciate any constructive criticism anyone would like to give on my stories.

Thank you


I am new to the site and have submitted a few stories - four of which have been posted. I enjoy writing and would like to improve. I hope that this is the right forum to ask my question. If it is not I apologise and will delete it as soon as possible.

I know that everyone is busy, life for everyone is hectic and full of things that need to be done, so I am wondering if anyone has the time and would like to read my stories and give constructive feedback?

I know that I am not the only person who is looking to improve their writing and don't want to be too "pushy" so if this is an inappropriate request I would appreciate someone letting me know.

I have included a link to the list of stories posted.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

Thank you

s

 

[evanslily]

Link above doesn't work cos it was copied and pasted from the AH. This one should work: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1014796&page=submissions

 

[Hisscarlett]

thanks once again evanslily!

 

[The_Fractal_King]

This is exactly the place to ask in.

In looking at "Louise's Devotion" my first impression is that your characters need to talk more. A vivid world is one thing but characters don't connect until they say somthing. Catcher in the Rye is the proto-typical example of starting with a connection to the character by having him or her speak, Alice in Wonderland does the same thing. Using narration rather than speech or thought (or the suggestion of thought) to express who/what the character is tends to seperate the reader and character. That said, the long period of silence you begin with seems stylistically intentional and makes the first spoken line extremely effective.

The capitalization system you use will annoy some people and in this case dehumanizes Louise's master because he has no name and isn't given apparent motivation.

The technical aspects of your writing seem very good (which is always nice) but because people will be reading on a computer screen paragraphs need to be cut down to what will show up as five or six lines on Lit.

 

[Hisscarlett]

Thank you The_Fractal_King for taking time to read the story and advise me on how to improve.

I take your point completely on both the capitalization and lack of name. I have since submitted another story in the same genre and this time dropped the capitalization and not only given the Master a name but a personality! I have decided in the next part of the story you read to give more detail and make him into a real person and not just a spectre. I hope it works and isn't too late after the first part. *fingers crossed*

Thank you also for pointing out that I need to shorten the paragraphs. I had tried to keep them short but I wasn't aware of the length that was best. Your advice about sticking to five or six lines is invaluable.

Your first point is one that went straight to something that I know is a major problem for me. Writing dialogue is not something I enjoy. I did, in that particular story, want to keep the impact for the first words; but being extremely honest dialogue is something I need to work at. In short, I am rubbish at writing it! Thank you for spurring me on to make a greater effort to work on that aspect of my writing.

This is something I want to improve at. It isn't something I want to do for a short time and then drop, writing is important to me and I am determined to improve.

Thank you for taking time out of your life to both read and reply to me. Your advice is much appreciated.

s

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Scarlett,

Reading the opening of "Louise's Devotion" left me curious about what manner of story you meant to write. A traditional story involves a character experiencing an event, or series of events, that leaves the character changed. Erotic narratives often abandon this custom in favor of a simple erotic encounter. Louise's tale, at least this chapter, appears to be a case of the latter. If that was your intention, then you certainly succeeded. I happen to be a reader who prefers the traditional kind of story, so I'm not part of the target audience and it's no surprise I really didn't get into this story.

I agree with the Fractal King regarding capitalization. It was distracting and I think it's just as well you've dropped that particular gimmick for your next story. Longer paragraphs didn't bother me so much, but when in doubt, it is better to err on the side of shorter.

I also agree that the technical aspects of your writing appear sound, but even correct grammar can lead to clumsy sentences. Consider the following example from the opening paragraph: Quickly she ran a quick mental check of her position to ensure that she was positioned perfectly. If such awkwardness doesn't just right out when you proof read the story- maybe hearing it would help. You might want to consider reading your work aloud. If you have someone that could read your story to you, that might be even better.

On the subject of correct grammar not always yielding the best fiction, many novice writers, and quite a few veterans, tend to saturate their prose with adverbs. There are several dozen on the first page of "Louise's Devotion." It's not intuitively obvious why you want to avoid this in fiction. This article covers the issue in depth: http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Since this is Louise's story, I didn't think it was an issue that her master remained on the obscure side and I found the lack of dialogue appropriate. And I love dialogue.

Not knowing for sure what your goal is with Louise's story, I can't think of much else to say. For a beginning story, it is well-written; the detail is rich, and it's clear what the central character's goal is. I'd expect the target audience to enjoy this story and I'm surprised the score isn't higher.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Hisscarlett]

Thank you

Penny thank you for taking the time to both read and comment on my story.

I have definitely dropped the capitalisation for the next part. I also didn't use it in the other stories I have written. I had used it as I know many in BDSM do like it; but it was gauche in my story and I will not use it again.

Thank you for your suggestion of reading my stories out loud. I have since used this on a chapter I was working on in another story and it made a few problems very obvious.

The point of the story was to come in midway through a transformation that she is undergoing. I had planned to keep her Master a spectre as such and had also used that idea in another of my stories - Training Anna - after feedback from The Fractal King I decided to write another chapter in the Anna series making her Master a person not just a presence.

I also started another story where I made both characters real; as in with names and personalities; which I hope worked. I still feel that I want to keep the Master in Louise's story more of a presence, focusing just on Louise, her actions and reactions. I am not sure that is a wise choice though.

I plan on taking the three options forward in the different stories to see which feels best, I may change my mind once I see how they are going.

I have issues with dialogue and chose purposely not to include much in this story; just to see if it would work. I have been working on my dialogue and have included a lot more in my other attempts.

I was really interested to read your explanation of story styles. I wasn't aware of this and found it really helpful. I had intended to make the first chapter of Louise to be a purely erotic encounter which I hoped to expand into more of a narrative in future chapters. Again, I hope it works.

Thank you also for the link to the article on adverbs. I will read it and hopefully it will help me improve.

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it as I do hope to improve my writing.

Thank you again

s