Help in improving my writing

[Hisscarlett]

I have justed posted a thread in the Author's Hangout Forum which I have copied below and in response I was advised to post it here. I was asking for help in improving my writing. I would appreciate any constructive criticism anyone has for me.

Thank you



I am new to the site and have submitted a few stories - four of which have been posted. I enjoy writing and would like to improve. I hope that this is the right forum to ask my question. If it is not I apologise and will delete it as soon as possible.

I know that everyone is busy, life for everyone is hectic and full of things that need to be done, so I am wondering if anyone has the time and would like to read my stories and give constructive feedback?

I know that I am not the only person who is looking to improve their writing and don't want to be too "pushy" so if this is an inappropriate request I would appreciate someone letting me know.

I have included a link to the list of stories posted.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

Thank you

s

 

[evanslily]

Can't help with the editing thing right now--sorry!--but just wanted to let you know the link to your stories doesn't work.

This one should: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1014796&page=submissions

I'm sure someone who can help will be along soon.

 

[Hisscarlett]

Thanks evanslily. I appreciate you taking the time to have a look.

I am grateful to you for fixing the link - I don't know what I did wrong!

 

[CopyCarver]

I know that I am not the only person who is looking to improve their writing and don't want to be too "pushy" so if this is an inappropriate request I would appreciate someone letting me know.s

Not inappropriate at all. Unfortunately, I am badly overloaded with manuscripts at the moment, both vocational and avocational.

On a more positive note, there are many talented people hanging around here. With any luck, one of them will have some spare time.

 

[Hisscarlett]

Thank you CopyCarver. I appreciate you taking the time to encourage me. I understand that everyone is busy and I am happy to wait for someone to be able to give me some advice. I am determined to improve and this isn't a short term aim, so I am content to be patient.

Thanks again and I wish you well with all that work!

 

[Shwenn]

I can give you a few bits of advice. As always, use only what you agree with.

"She was naked and kneeling in His preferred formal kneel. Quickly she ran a quick mental check of her position to ensure that she was positioned perfectly."

Careful about using a word twice. Redundancy should only ever be intentional. Make it "She was naked and in His preferred formal kneel. She ran a quick mental check of her position to ensure that she was positioned perfectly."

"He enjoyed her discomfiture, enjoyed her obedience and arousal."

Do not use an SAT word like discomfiture unless it's the only word that really fits. Because 'discomfort' works just as well here, is possibly even more fitting, you should use that word. Avoid pedantry.

"She knew that He was watching her, looking over His property. She knew because she could feel the burn of His eyes on every inch of her flesh."

Show without telling. "She could feel the burn of His eyes on every inch of her flesh," is better. It makes, "She knew that He was watching her, looking over His property. She knew because" unneccessary.

=========================================


"She closed her eyes for a moment, composing herself, controlling her urge to press her wet cunt hard onto her heel."

This is the sort of thing I like to see. You don't tell me how anxious she is for some attention to her crotch. You show me. And you do it with a detail that opens up her world for me. This sentence marks the first time I feel like I understand what she is feeling.

This is the good shit right here. Nurture this in yourself.

 

[Hisscarlett]

Shwenn thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and give me your suggestions.

I actually agree with them all; the suggestions you made read much better, there was a better sound and flow to them. Now I need to work on my writing to try to get that comfortable style.

I appreciate the point about showing without telling; not only does it makes great sense but it would definitely improve the story. It is something I will concentrate on.

I know I have a tendency to the over dramatic and inversion is my friend. Both of which I am fighting to control.

Thank you very much for your time!

s

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Shwenn thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and give me your suggestions.

I actually agree with them all; the suggestions you made read much better, there was a better sound and flow to them. Now I need to work on my writing to try to get that comfortable style.

I appreciate the point about showing without telling; not only does it makes great sense but it would definitely improve the story. It is something I will concentrate on.

I know I have a tendency to the over dramatic and inversion is my friend. Both of which I am fighting to control.

Thank you very much for your time!

s

I have a mental image of Sheldon of the series The Big Bang, while Penny is my favorite however. Such nice... appendages, so to speak. Firm, soft to the touch, centers spiraling when touched...

Dammit, missed that train of thought...

Hey, fully support stuff. That's my position, sticking to it.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I can give you a few bits of advice. As always, use only what you agree with.

"She was naked and kneeling in His preferred formal kneel. Quickly she ran a quick mental check of her position to ensure that she was positioned perfectly."

Careful about using a word twice. Redundancy should only ever be intentional. Make it "She was naked and in His preferred formal kneel. She ran a quick mental check of her position to ensure that she was positioned perfectly."

"He enjoyed her discomfiture, enjoyed her obedience and arousal."

Do not use an SAT word like discomfiture unless it's the only word that really fits. Because 'discomfort' works just as well here, is possibly even more fitting, you should use that word. Avoid pedantry.

"She knew that He was watching her, looking over His property. She knew because she could feel the burn of His eyes on every inch of her flesh."

Show without telling. "She could feel the burn of His eyes on every inch of her flesh," is better. It makes, "She knew that He was watching her, looking over His property. She knew because" unneccessary.

=========================================


"She closed her eyes for a moment, composing herself, controlling her urge to press her wet cunt hard onto her heel."

This is the sort of thing I like to see. You don't tell me how anxious she is for some attention to her crotch. You show me. And you do it with a detail that opens up her world for me. This sentence marks the first time I feel like I understand what she is feeling.

This is the good shit right here. Nurture this in yourself.

I suspect your heart is in this, but I'm not sure. You come off as a suspicious person to me. And mind you I'm just a citizen of this community and mean no ill will, but we need also to be careful who is accepted.

You haven't done yourself any favors in my book, but it remains open.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

That was directed at Schwenn, sorry for any misunderstandings!

 

[Hisscarlett]

AsylumSeeker thank you for your comments. I must admit I was a bit confused as I don't know the Big Bang Series but I am going to go look for it.

I am determined to improve and am grateful for any pointers and/or advice.

s

 

[AsylumSeeker]

AsylumSeeker thank you for your comments. I must admit I was a bit confused as I don't know the Big Bang Series but I am going to go look for it.

I am determined to improve and am grateful for any pointers and/or advice.

s

If you're seriously interested in help, give a week or two for me to clear out these contest entries I'm editing and then PM me. I'll take a serious look then and will help as I can. I am an adult educator with credentials, for what it's worth.

Doesn't seem to impress the payroll office... damn!

 

[Hisscarlett]

Thank you AsylumSeeker. I will take you up on your offer and PM you in a couple of weeks. Thanks again.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Thank you AsylumSeeker. I will take you up on your offer and PM you in a couple of weeks. Thanks again.

Things are calming down. Never did finish my Halloween entry, guess my heart wasn't in it. Lately my "jollies" have been enraptured in incest, although I don't know why. I come from a loving family, mainly brothers. Perhaps the "lack thereof" has been the fuel?

Dunno.

Anyway, this being a long weekend for those who are lucky enough to work for an agency that recognizes "Columbus Day", I'm off so I can entertain some work by you. Wife's not so lucky, not sure if that is good or bad...?

 

[darrowhk]

Reading "A Surprise Gift":

Your grammar could use a little work. For example:

"The numbers lose their meaning, I count automatically, at times hardly able to keep pace as he slams the paddle onto my abused flesh quickly without a break, then time between each bite as he takes care to ensure that the cut out clearly marks me as what I am."

"The numbers lose their meaning" needs to be a separate sentence, or at least separated with a semicolon.

"then time between each bite as he takes care to ensure that the cut out clearly marks me as what I am." needs to be worked into a separate sentence as well. Avoiding short, choppy sentences is a noble goal, but don't run too many distinct thoughts into one grammatical nightmare.


"He stands; and takes my hand telling me that I have teased him long enough. "

Bad use of a semicolon- you've separated the "He stands" from the "takes my hand", but you've got them linked with the "and". General rule of thumb- whenever you use a semicolon, you should be able to replace it with a period and have two grammatically correct sentences on either side without altering them. "and takes my hand telling me that I have teased him long enough" is missing a subject.

"He stands and takes my hand" or, since it flows more smoothly, perhaps "He stands, taking my hand"



"The tingles from his touch sliding over my body making me shiver in his arms."

This sentence is missing a verb and an object. You've got a subject and four phrases, but remove the phrases ("from his touch","sliding over my body", "making me shiver", and "in his arms") and all you have left is "The tingles".

This is a good link that helps explain what I'm talking about:

http://www.kentlaw.edu/academics/lrw/grinker/LwtaDependant_Clauses_and_Phrases.htm

 

[Hisscarlett]

darrowhk thank you for your comments. I do tend to naturally write very short sentences so was attemptly, albeit awkwardly, to avoid that. As you point out I need to work more on that.

I also appreciate your advice on the use of semicolons. I had always thought of them as between a comma and full stop, where you want more of a pause but not the end of a thought. I understand what you are saying and agree entirely.

I really appreciate you taking time to review the story. I am determined to keep working on things and to improve my style.

Thanks once again.
s