Help! I could really use a friend...

[Guest]

I realize I should probably use the live chat rooms instead of the BB, but I really feel like I know people here better. I don't ever recognize any names in the chat rooms...

Right now I could really use a friend. My husband (of not even a year yet) and I just had another one of our fights, and always I feel like shit... I feel like he doesn't even love me anymore. He's constantly doing or saying things on perpous to make me cry and feel bad about myself. I'm sick of it, but I don't want to leave him. I love him dearly. (Which is what makes this harder on me.) I can't talk to him, because he WON'T talk to me. I don't know what to do. I just need a friend to talk to right now. Is anyone awake out there? Thanks.

Lindsay

 

[STEVE]

hi lindsay iam awake if you want to cry this
way,but until he says whats wrong it willnot
get better

 

[Lasher]

Hey, Tiggs, you're in luck. My wife's at her mother's for the night, so I'm here all by my lonesome. Do you wanna meet in the chatroom - or if you have ICQ my numbers there on my profile. Whatever works.

 

[Thephantomprincess]

ok, first of all, it's Purpose, not "perpous". And wow, you're in a hetero relationship.

DO you think that your husband is intentionally trying to hurt you, or has your with him arguing just touched on your sensitive parts and feelings. What is the issue you're fighting about. You can't whimper about someone hurting you on purpose. That's kinda childish.It won't get you anywhere either. You really need to sit down and talk with him to settle your issues. Communication is the road to happiness. You really need to do something about your issues, otherwize they will balloon.

Linsday, I wear a thong. A very silky one too. I think I give pretty good advise and have pretty well-rounded knowlegde for a young one.

Princess

 

[Bossy Aussie]

Phantom, I think most of your post was pretty uncalled for. Like she needs a spell checker when all she wants is someone to talk to.

So you don't exactly get along with Tiggs...oh well. Leave it alone! I can't say that I agree with her on everything either, but calling her childish because she feels hurt isn't exactly what she was looking for, I'm sure.


Tiggs -- I'm sorry, but I really doubt if I could help you. I do hope that things get better though!

Bossy

 

[Hecate]

*hug* sorry Tiggs ... I would have added you to my ICQ list if you had given a number .. and I guess it was more the "immediate contact" you were seeking when you posted .. but in the future feel free to contact me .. I may not know exactly how to help you - but I DO know it does make things much easier to reasonably look at if you can talk about them and vent a little.

Feel free to do so with me if you would feel comfy - sometimes it is easier even with a stranger than with someone you know too well.

*hug* take care sweetie!
Hecate

 

[Slut_boy]

There is something that I have never been able to understand: its men (or less frequently women) who deliberately try to belittle the people that they claim to love.

If there is one aspect of human nature that I hate most, it is people's desire to want to "have" and "possess" things. Not just things, but apparently people as well. I hate that type of propensity. I hate it so intensly yet I see so much of it in all people - sometimes even unconciously, for example in people's homes. You walk in and often the first thing that you see is a bunch of flowers or a pot-plant. Who the fuck gives people the right to think that they can kill or trap something beautiful, just because they think that it is pretty, and then bring it into their home and surround themselves with this "beauty".

Its the same with people. Men surrounding themselves with pretty women to make themselves feel worthwhile. But they don't consider the woman (in the same way that they don't consider the pot-plant). Where do those roots go. Well they can't go anywhere, but round-and-round inside the pot, never able to truly grow. I think that the same thing happens to people.

Tiggs, perhaps I haven't made too much sense here, but I feel this issue so strongly. That people ought to be free: in their bodies and also in their minds so that they can grow. Fuck men who stifle that growth and in some way retard your happiness. You have one advantage over that pot-plant and that is your ability to break out of the casing and free yourself. And then its only your love that will fetter you, but that is your own problem to deal with in your own time.

Being free doesn't mean leaving him (although it may) it means making him respect that you are free to grow as you like. If he retards that development then I would, if I were in your shoes, question whether he is in fact good for you. Good luck Tiggs.

 

[*Eve*]

Tiggs,
I don't think anyone knows about relationship disappointments more than me. I'm still young and never been married but I can say that a marriage is sacred and worth fighting for. You need to talk to him, and try everything possible to get him to understand how his taunts are affecting you and if he doesn't want to talk about it and continues doing what he's doing you don't need it.
You are worth more than that. You have to be number one sometime and no one should have to put up with that although I know you love him but you have to learn to love yourself in order to walk away. I can tell you are a good person, and I know that walking away may seem hard but I think you deserve better.
If you want to talk to me anytime feel free to email.

 

[Magic Merlin]

Hi Tiggs,

You and I have never responded to each other on here before, but just wanted to say I empathize with you. The old saying, "We hurt the ones we love the most", unfortunately seems to be more true than I would have ever thought. I can't really respond in to much detail, not knowing the dynamics of you and your husband's relationship, but if there is no communciation between you guys, then that does make it much more frustrating.

This is a late reply to your post, so maybe you are feeling better now. I hope so. I offer you my support and best wishes for the two of you. My email is also always posted.. Take care, Lindsay.....and keep your chin up...

Bossy, I won't add anything to what you so "eloquently" said. Except to say my feelings are about twice as strong as what you stated. What a wasted post for that person??? Stay cool

 

[Magic Merlin]

On second Thought I am going to respond

Phantom, when you posted your feelings on here recently about being freaked out by the "Slime guy" that contacted you, a lot of us offered you our support,including myself. Your response to Tigg's request I find quite cold. This is not something I would have expected from you. She was asking for a friend. Thats all.

Enough said!!!

 

[Lovely Latina]

Slut_boy and *eve*...those were beautiful posts...very warm, true and eloquently-sentimented.

Tiggs...you've always come across in your posts as a very strong-willed, strongly-opinionated, "won't-take-shit-from-anyone"-type gal. I like that. I like your "OOMPH." You have to apply those same traits to this situation. Realize that you are a worthwhile person who deserves to be treated with much more respect. Lay it all down for him. If, after expressing how it makes you feel when he belittles you, he continues to do so...then, though I know it's hard to hear, maybe you will be better off in the long run finding someone else who will treasure you the way you deserve. You're so young and I'd hate to think of you having to live the rest of your life this way. Just demand that the two of you have the serious conversation that you are in so need of, and if he truly loves and cares about you, he'll listen.

Good luck, hon. <hug>

LL

 

[Golden]

Hi Tiggs; to echo LL, lovely posts from Eve and S_B, and of course from LL too .... …

Here’s my two penn’orth ….

We all done this to an extent ….

I once didn’t phone the GF for a week when I had promised I would; she’d been very negative about stuff for a while and I was frankly a bit bored and irritated by it; figured if I called she’d moan about something, and if I didn’t, well, she’d moan but I wouldn’t have to listen. It’s about as cruel as I’ve ever managed to be; but easy to see how it could escalate (PS – happy ending to that one – I eventually called and there were no recriminations ….)

However, guys who seem to deliberately big time upset women they apparently love – a complete mystery to me too; but you’re going to have to find out what’s behind this. Two possibilities

A - He’s feeling pressure or strain elsewhere in his life , and some of us do react by taking it out on those we love the most. Mrs G for example will lose her rag with me when she should really have had a go at the colleague or student or parent or whatever who actually inflamed her in the first place….

B - Or – worse – he’s really not comfortable with your relationship in some way … no longer loves you, or feels stifled by your love and passion; you come across as an interesting, passionate, opinionated and strong personality – the right guy will adore you for this and wallow in his good fortune, but the wrong guy will likely feel squashed or threatened …

So you gotta figure our whether it is A or B – do you have a situation where he needs your sympathy, support and tolerance while you steer him round to more appropriate and less pain-inducing behaviour in future … or is it B – in which case, I’m sorry to say hon, but you gotta get yourself out from under with your dignity intact.


[This message has been edited by golden (edited 05-07-2000).]

 

[Guest]

I wanted to start off by saying to the Phantom Bitch that I wrote my first post some time very early this morning (like two or three am). I am quite an excellent speller, but when you're up at wee hours of the "night", crying, and easily typing 90+ wpm it's very possible to make typos. Keep in mind this is a FREE BB. Just because someone has a slightly different view than you it doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to them.

As for all the others, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to even read this post and for being kind and helpful. It is obviously now Sun. afternoon as I write this new post... Things seem to be fine for the moment. I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed and alone last night when I cried out for help. Naturally I know my husband and I need to sit down and talk. We haven't had much time for each other within this past month due to new stress in our lives...

Once again, thank you all for being there. I consider many of you at the BB to be my friends.

Peace,
Linds

[This message has been edited by Tiggs (edited 05-08-2000).]

 

[Whispersecret]

Those in glass houses...

"ok, first of all, it's Purpose, not "perpous"."
--Capitalize the first word of every sentence. "Purpose" didn't need to be capitalized.

"What is the issue you're fighting about."
--That should have a question mark, not a period.

"You really need to do something about your issues, otherwize they will balloon."
--otherwise

"I think I give pretty good advise and have pretty well-rounded knowlegde for a young one."
--advice (may be different in the UK) and knowledge. Advise is a verb.

 

[Angelique]

LOL@whisper...exactly what I was thinking, but couldn't get on here to post...500 error.

Tiggs, dear, I haven't had the pleasure of corresponding with you before, BUT, this is an area that is dear to my heart.

All my life, I've watched my father dominate my mother and control her by using words to cut her down and make her feel like shit in order to control her. By lowering her self-esteem, he was able to force her to depend on him AND was also able to manipulate her into doing things that she normally wouldn't do. (don't worry, nothing illegal)

As a kid growing up in this household, I'll say that it was never a pretty site. Many, many nights, my mother would crawl into bed with me and cry herself to sleep. And many nights I would be witness to their fights.

As I got older and hit the "rebellious teen years", my father and I would have it out. I was a stubborn, bull-headed teenager...THAT irritated the hell outa my dad and so I ended up getting the brunt of his eagerness to control, along with my mother. It was at that point, my mother and I became very close.

After I graduated, I found that for some reason, I dated much older men and was in A LOT of relationships that always seemed to begin with sex. Looking back on it, I know that I was simply looking for a "father figure" because my relationship with my own father was so estranged.

My father did a great deal of controlling in my life up until I was 27 years old. It was at that time that I had gotten pregnant with my son, out of wedlock, and with a man that had no intentions of ever having kids. (no, I didn't try to trap the guy...my son was conceived due to ONE time without a condom) My father flipped out, embarrassed by the fact that his daughter had publically made our family look dysfunctional. When he recommended that I give my child up for adoption, I flat out refused. Oh boy...the shit hit the fan. Dad broke into my house, destroying my computer as he smashed out the window. While my brother was trying desperately to stop him from taking a sledgehammer to the window, dad accidentally hit him in the chest with it, causing my brother to have bruised ribs. Dad had also brought over gasoline to use in destroying my new Blazer, so that I wouldn't have a means of transportation. Obviously, the man lost it. While fighting with my father, my brother ended up with a can of gasoline poured down the front of him.

When dad realized he couldn't torch my vehicle, he got into his own car and tried to ram into the Blazer. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my brother placed himself between the two cars, but ended up getting pinned between them, leaving a nice bruise on his legs, but no broken bones.

Now, at 29, I still watch my mother bow down to my father. She's miserable, but doesn't realize that she is an incredibly attractive woman who could find a wonderful man, if only she could find the courage to leave my father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father...he's my father for crying out loud. Do I like him? No! But I do love him, and have forgiven him for that incident, and many others that I have not mentioned here. I just learned to break free of his grasp, and don't allow him to control my life anymore.

Ok...I tried to fit as much detail in there as possible without boring all of you to death. My point is, that when I hear of men who are so condescending towards women, it raises a red flag. I don't know ALL of the details of your relationship with your husband and do not want to appear that I think he is the same type person as my dad. BUT, the first signs are there, and only YOU can make the decision on whether you wish to stay with him and work things out, or realize that he may be a control freak, and take the necessary precautions to avoid consequences similar to what I described above.

Another reason I decided to post this information is because reading the response from thephantomprincess really pissed me off. I don't know how young she is, but her response was not only harsh and cruel, it was ignorant and naive of her to think that Tiggs' post was childish.

Realize this...there are women out there who are in need of help and assistence because they don't know how to deal with a relationship like the one I described above. Sometimes having a friend to talk to can mean the difference between life and death. Being made to feel inferior can lead to depression and ultimately suicide. So the next time someone cries out for help, my suggestion is to be caring, sympathetic, and understanding, as opposed to duplicating the exact person that a woman is having difficulty with. If you can't manage that, then don't bother posting. You could do more harm than good.

Tiggs, I wish you the best of luck with your husband...and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for ya' babe.

Angelique

 

[Laurel]

Hi Tiggs... Everyone else has given way better advice than I could ever give, so Manu and I just wanted to offer our support and our hopes that things will improve for you and your man.

 

[Wizard]

Tiggs, again we have never talk either but I am with Larel on this one others have put it better than I ever could but,If you look you can get my e-mail and ICQ number if you need to talk I to would gladly lend and ear or shoulder.

 

[Lajo]

Tiggs - I still love you! And if you need an ear...IM me!

 

[SierraSky]

Hi Tiggs,

My advice to you is go with your heart. The heart tells it all. Men have emotions but don't know how to express themselves with feelings only words and expressions. I have recently come to the conclusion that men rag it too. Exspecially when they are overwhelmed. Men, believe that they have to fix everything we complain about. What they don't understand is we just want someone to listen. So this causes a huge communication problem. The only answer is to let them know "hey I'm not asking you to fix it I just want you to hear me."

In my experience with my own man, when he tries to put me down or blame me, I tell him listen you not unhappy with me, you are unhappy with yourself and only you can fix it. So don't take it out on me look in the mirror.

We all have faults no one is perfect we all just need to get along one day at a time.

I would be honored to be your friend.

I have ready many (many) of your posts and think you are a wonderful, loving, giving, and remarkable person. Don't lose the faith.

It will all work itself out.

Sierra

 

[Guest]

Thanks Sierra. That really seems to fit my life right now. Close to a month ago now my husband's boss sold the company underneath everyone. Neither the employees nor the customers knew about it until AFTER the bastard sold. Currently my husband has been trying to make his own buisness work now. It's been tough on both of us. It seems we always reach $0 before the end of the month. I agree with all of you that he and I need to talk, but I don't believe now is a good time. So, for now I'll wait (and might have the need to cry on some more shoulders before this is resolved!) and let things cool down a bit. Thank you all for your kind words.

(As you can tell, I'm feeling better now... I even have the "big" happy face going in posts. lol)

 

[Magic Merlin]

Good to see you back Tiggs!! Always enjoy reading what you have to say.

And...we'll be here if needed....

mm

 

[Guest]

<bowing> Thank you thank you. Next show in 10 mins. I'm here all week.

 

[Nobody Special]

Hi tiggs, I'm glad your feeling better! One thing that I have noticed about men that are controling and or hurtful and demeaning, are that they are scared. Scared of losing the person that they love, and that is one way they think they can keep you with them.

And for Princess, I think her heart was in the right place, but she really didn't think about what she was saying when she posted. My advice to her is to stop and think before she speaks. And ask her self "Will this help the situation, or hurt it?"

Please don't be so hard on her, she is still learning just like the rest of us are. Help her with her mistakes instead of chastizing her for them.

But Princess was right about one thing, Communication is the key, find out what is bothering your husband, and try to listen to him too. sometimes it is hard to hear the questions that he is really asking. Esp. when he says things that hurt you.

Well I hope this helped a lil bit.

E

 

[Jade]

Tiggs,

Awe sweetie, you poor thing! Marraige is a strange institution yes indeed.

I am glad that you are smiling again, that's awesome!
Like all the others I am here too should ya need me!
Also, we are living from paycheck to paycheck right now, and actually, that is not getting us by. Want to hear the stupidest part? We applied for a debt consolidation loan (my credit is pretty awesome... well, okay, I pay all my bills on time) but we were denied, wanna know why???

We have debt, that is why! I am not sh%##ing you! Hello? Will this world ever make sense?
Anyway, I didn't come here to rant and rave about my problems, really I didn't but wanted you to see that like several others here I am real, and I am a friend.

Luv
~Jade

 

[Weird Harold]

Originally posted by Jade:
We applied for a debt consolidation loan ... but we were denied, wanna know why???

We have debt, that is why! I am not sh%##ing you! Hello? Will this world ever make sense?

Does anybody heare understand the logic behind loans being approved or denied? I once applied for a revolvong credit account at a major department store chain. I was denied because (paraphrasing the rejection notice) "we're sorry we can't extend you credit because you aren't far enough in debt to need it."

Just exactly what is the right amount of debt to be in so you can get a loan or credit card?