Help...how would you word this?

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

First person POV present tense.
But I seem to write like a movie script, or something. Maybe I watch too many horror movies(said me never!) but maybe I do.
Anyway the protagonist is hiding in the house from her step dad and he's looking for her. I want the reader to know what he says, and also how he says it. How can I make this work?
“Mara...where are you? I know you’re here,” he says loudly. “I can smell you,” he mumbles to himself.

 

[tomlitilia]

I wouldn't write in present tense, but if I would...

"Mara...where are you? I know you’re here,” he bellows, then mumbles to himself. “I can smell you."

 

[HisArpy]

I'm assuming the POV is Mara's. If so, then her step dad mumbling to himself won't be heard unless he's right there where she's hiding.

So I'd be looking to write something along the lines of;

"Mara...where are you?" he bellowed loud enough to be heard two states over.
Mara held her breath hoping he wouldn't look into her hiding place in the closet.
"I know you're here." Another roar followed the first. "I can smell you."
Mara couldn't help herself, she giggled.
"Fe Fi Fo Fum," her step dad rhymed at the giggle. "I can hear a little one."

Or some such twaddle like that.

 

[SimonDoom]

Since you asked for first person present, presumably from the protagonist's point of view, you might do something like:

"Mara, where are you?" he calls out, loudly. "I know you're here."

I hear his footsteps approach.

"I can smell you," he mumbles to himself.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

"Mara, where are you?" I hear him yell. "I know you're here."

I hear his footsteps approach. He stands just outside my hiding place.

"I can smell you," I hear him mumble.


Yes, yes, I took Simon's stuff, but changed it to first person present tense.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

THANKS everyone!

I think what Simon and Zeb wrote is just what I was looking for.

 

[SimonDoom]

"Mara, where are you?" I hear him yell. "I know you're here."

I hear his footsteps approach. He stands just outside my hiding place.

"I can smell you," I hear him mumble.


Yes, yes, I took Simon's stuff, but changed it to first person present tense.

You don't need to use "I" in every sentence or paragraph to make it first person. The question is whether the narration plausibly can be delivered from the first person POV. It's perfectly legitimate first person for the narrator to say "He did X" as long as the first person narrator plausibly would be in a position to say that. My passage is consistently first person, present tense.

You don't want to say "I hear" in every paragraph. It's too repetitive. It also is not necessary to make it first person POV.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

"Mara, where are you?" I hear him yell. "I know you're here."

I hear his footsteps approach. He stands just outside my hiding place.

"I can smell you," I hear him mumble.


Yes, yes, I took Simon's stuff, but changed it to first person present tense.

"Mara, where are you?" He shouts. "I know you're here."

His footsteps approach, he stops just outside my hiding place.

"I can smell you," I hear him mumble.

Better?