Help: Grief Support for Spouse

[SweetErika]

There are so many smart, insightful people on here, so I'm thanking you in advance for your advice.

The situation: My mother-in-law is losing a year-long battle with cancer, and is not expected to make it past the summer. My husband is just starting to realize she's dying, and it's obviously hitting him hard. He's never experienced major grief (death, divorce, or otherwise), and is the type who bottles up his feelings and doesn't deal with things until the situation is critical. He says he wants help, but won't read books or go to a support group (he might go to grief counselling though). I know it will be easier for him if he starts the process now, but I realize I can't make this happen for him. I've done some research, and there's a lot of info on cancer survivors and caring for ill people, but not much on losing a parent or grieving before death. So far, I've been trying to eliminate extra stress in his life, making sure he's able to spend time with her, listening, and comforting.

The question: If you yourself or you've had a spouse go through something similar to this, I'd appreciate any advice regarding supporting my husband. Are there other things I should be doing? Are there things I shouldn't be doing? Is there a way to open up communication on this topic without causing pain (a lot of times he wants to talk but doesn't know how)?

 

[peachykeen]

If you haven't already, start looking online for support communities. This is one thing that the net is so so fabulous for, especially for people like your husband who have a hard time talkinng face to face. The anonymity of the cyber environment might really help him relax and be able to open up to strangers, since they can't 'see' him and he has the option of walking away any time he chooses. I think a lot of people, and men in particualr find the idea of facing someone, even someone who is supportive and wants to help, very daunting. Logging on and just writing "I'm losing my mom and I don't know what to do" is much easier for many people, and when he sees the amount of support he gets back, it will encourage him to open up even more.

 

[aegis9591]

Hi Erika,

sadly, I have been in the same position as your hubby. In November, I lost my Mom, and in December, my Father followed her.

As if that wasnt enough, in late December, my sister was diagnosed with Terminal Liver Cancer, the doctors gave her less than a year. It was only two weeks ago that we buried her.

The time between her diagnosis and her passing was one of incredible stress, not only for me, but for those around me. Fortunately, I have one of the most understanding wives in the world and she has done just about everything she can to ease the burden on me during the five months we were watching my sister go through the trauma of cancer treatment.

Basically, she headed off any and all sources of stress coming in my direction that she could identify. Obviously, she wasnt able to do anything about work, but other than that, she did a fantastic job. To be fair, she is still doing it !

She has been there for me to talk to, to cuddle, to hug, to listen without being judgemental or making comment when I start rambling about our childhood and to provide a caring shoulder when I feel the need to let off steam.

I too tend to "bottle things up" because thats how I was brought up. We were taught not to show emotions of any kind, so dealing not only with the stress of bereavement, but with watching the life slowly ebb out of my sister, was and is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

It sounds to me like your hubby is a lucky guy, because he too has a wonderful wife that wants to share the burden with him. There are two pieces of advice I would give:

let him dictate the pace, dont pressure him, dont try to get him to let it out, just let him do his thing and carry on being the supportive person you obviously are.

and do what Peachykeen has suggested, research as much as you can, find out as much information about bereavement counselling as possible and put it to good use.

I wish you well, and if you would like to chatter, feel free to PM me !

Aegis !

 

[Cathleen]

Hello Erika, so about your Mother-In-Law, my thoughts and prayers to you all.

{{{{ Aegis }}}} I am sorry for all these losses. Thoughts and prayers to you as well. Incredible!!

Erika, I was lucky enough to know my mother was dying. She had been sick for twelve years and fought so hard and with courage and dignity. I was lucky to have her for as long as I did. I didn't realize it at the time, but yes, its possible to start the grieving process before a loved one dies. I have no idea if I did but I know its possible.

It took me quite a while to actually feel as though I had started, a few months at least. Once I started, I was the happiest depressed grief stricken person you'd ever known. I felt it all....the pain, the anger, the depression, all of it. It was as though all the pain was a tribute to her life and her meaning to my life.

It did interfere with work, so I made a plan with myself and with the help of a grief councelor. I would be as sad, depressed, angry, whatever from 5pm to 9am (so to speak) and when it was time to work, I did that. It was difficult, as my place of employment was a golf course and my whole family had been members for years and years. There was no escaping someone with a story or a hug or simple touch. It really was heartwarming when I think back on those days.

I needed time, lots of it. I needed space and mostly I needed a safe space where I could just be with my feelings, whether that was alone or with a trusted friend. I was lucky to have a friend that could handle being in a room with someone crying their head off, its not easy, but its so meaningful to give that to another.

I can only offer what it was like for me at that time. It took almost three years before I could feel myself again and unfortuately that coicided with yet another death of a treasured Uncle and then a sever illness of a sibling. So we get what we get, and I'd not trade with anyone, for at least I know my stuff!

You are wonderfully supporting, that is the best gift you can give to him as well as the family. All the best during this time.

 

[Mr.G]

Been there. Done that...

I'm sorry. Your situation is hard. One thing to lose somebody you love - it's quite another to know what to do/say when somebody else close to you is going through it.

I lost Dad 9 years before Mom. Both were very sick at the end and my beliefs in how this life cycle works (religion if you will) allowed me to accept both their passing and actually be happy that their sickness/pain/suffering was over. They both lived good long loving lives and they both wanted out when the time came. Too easily, in those times we simply can not see that Death can be a welcome visitor.

Three years ago, during a Christmas Eve party, my SO of 21 years, blew a cerebral aneurysm. I remember being on my knees besidfe her doing CPR and "feeling" her over my left shouilder. I knew she was gone then. Ho Ho HO - Merry Christmas, just duzn't cut it for me anymore.

The whole thing kicked the living schnot out of me. Mom & Dad (and dogs) - they all lived good long lives. Sue? It just seemed like a horrible mistake. I know shit happens but with her it took a while to adjust and get on with my life.

It IS hard to know what to say especially when you're faced with a macho kind of "I'll deal with it cuz I'm a MAN!" attitude. Just be there for him. Don't ever let him think that you consider his emotions a weakness. When it happens it is NOT a constant feeling of loss. Not for me anyway. It comes in waves. One sec you don't feel a thing and you're wondering if you're normal. The next minute you are capsized and sunk by this wave of grief that literally leaves you gasping for breath and wondering how you can still be alive when you feel that shitty.

It is a weird trip lemmie tell you. One thing that helped me was a place on the Net called " widownet.com ". I know it sez widow but it's for anybody. There are rooms that represent stages of your loss - immediate, 6 months, one year - like that. What that place did for me was show me that the degree of grief and the out of control feelings of grief DO ebb with time. They become manageable and, in time, you can see the rest of your life ahead of you.

Once you get through all that then life proceeds but it is hard at certain points not to feel that everything really ended when the loved one died. Anyway, losing a parent is rough but expected. I just hope neither of you ever have to go through losing your SO when you are young and think you have the rest of your lives together. That is a whole nuther feeling...

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you so much!

Peachy, Aegis, Cathleen, Mr. G, thank you very much for your wisdom and advice! I have been through the grief process many times in my short life, but it's very difficult for me to know how to help my husband through it. We did browse some of the library books I checked out yesterday (in the spirit of knowing which ones would help when he was ready), and I think it was helpful for him to see what he's feeling and doing is normal. One book I would recommend to everyone is Good Grief Rituals by Elaine Childs-Gowell. It has great tools and insights for every life change (and past events), not just death.

Sorry for the "blanket" response:

Peachy- The online support is a great idea, and I'll suggest it to him...the lack of commitment and anonymity might really help. I'll look into it so it's available when he's ready.

Aegis- It really helps to hear from someone with a similar background...I grew up in a very open, communicative environment, so I have a horrible time knowing what's right for my husband. I hope I can be as strong as your wife!

Cate- It's nice to hear you perspective on your mom...I've only experienced sudden death, which comes with a lot of regrets. It's terrible to see someone dying and in pain, but I hope my husband finds comfort in the fact that her pain will end and he's had all of this time to say goodbye. We're making plans to see her as much as possible this summer so he won't have regrets.

Mr. G- Thank you for reminding me that this process is much like ocean waves...it comes and goes, it can be overwhelming, and it lessens little by little with a lot of time. I will check out widownet.com. It sounds like a great resource for the entire family when the time comes.

Again, thank you for the support. Each of you is an inspiration of strength, and you will be in my thoughts!

 

[Missingmeds]

You might also want to check out hospice care in your area. They deal with grief alot and sometimes have very valuable insights into cases such as these.

 

[SweetErika]

You might also want to check out hospice care in your area. They deal with grief alot and sometimes have very valuable insights into cases such as these.

Thanks, MM, I have checked into it a little, and that seems like the best avenue when my husband's ready. I'm counting our blessings that we live in a city with so many resources (and that there are so many people on Lit who are willing to share and support eachother)!

 

[Cathleen]

Erika, I was fortunate enough to have as a grief counslor Maria Trozzi, who works with the Good Grief Foundation. You may wish to look her up on the web too. She is wonderful!

All the best to you and yours.



{{{{ Mr.G}}}} I am very sorry for your loss.


edit: There can be nothing more to say about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' work, On Death and Dying. She is a founder of sorts on the study of grief.

 

[warrior queen]

some 7 years ago, i lost my only sibling in a motorcycle accident.
he was only 27 years old, and the initial feelings i had about his death were ANGER.

anger and rage.
and i took it all out on those that were closest to me.

after about a year, i changed to 'nothingness'.
no feelings whatsoever.
that was probably the most difficult, because now i had no emotions to fall back on, and i was also questioning my worth as a human being if i couldn't feel.

the pain of his loss kicked in about 3 years after his death, and has slowly lessened over these 4 years since.

the point i'm trying to make is, no matter what you read, study or learn about grief, each person experiences it very differently, and your hardest job is going to be reading the emotional state of your partner so that you can respond appropriately.
by all means, learn what you can about supporting him. but don't be too surprised if the grieving process is not exactly as described in the manuals.

grief is an extremely intimate process, but it's intimate in a solo way - only the person feeling the grief can know exactly how they are feeling at any given moment and what support they might need.
but grief being such an overwhelming experience, often the person does not recognise that they need assistance at all.

this is going to test your relationship, but with patience and love, i am certain you will both be fine.
well done for being the partner who recognises that this is going to need your help, and good luck and best wishes for the both of you.

 

[Cathleen]

You are so right WQ.... grief is all about emotions!

 

[aegis9591]

after about a year, i changed to 'nothingness'.
no feelings whatsoever.
that was probably the most difficult, because now i had no emotions to fall back on, and i was also questioning my worth as a human being if i couldn't feel.

This is just how I feel right at the moment. I dont know why, but I just dont "feel"anything, no sense of emotions at all and I dont think it is right.

Granted, the amount of bereavement I have had in the last six months has been incredible, but I'm not sure that its a good thing to feel nothing.

Like I said before, as kids, we were taught to show no emotions in any way, so I know thats what the root cause is. But I have lots of people (my wife in particular) concerned because I'm just not showing anything.

I dunno, maybe its just my systems way with dealing with the amount of loss or something.

 

[warrior queen]

This is just how I feel right at the moment. I dont know why, but I just dont "feel"anything, no sense of emotions at all and I dont think it is right.

Granted, the amount of bereavement I have had in the last six months has been incredible, but I'm not sure that its a good thing to feel nothing.

Like I said before, as kids, we were taught to show no emotions in any way, so I know thats what the root cause is. But I have lots of people (my wife in particular) concerned because I'm just not showing anything.

I dunno, maybe its just my systems way with dealing with the amount of loss or something.

this is perfectly normal.

i think (in my case) my 'nothingness' came from being in a place where i found the emotional feeling associated with knowing i was never going to see my brother again, just too overwhelming, and so my brain simply 'shut off' any painful emotions.

unfortunately, the 'nothingness' spilled over to my everyday life as well, and i found no feelings for my partner, children, job, etc.
i began to question my ability to continue as a wife/mother if i had no feelings.
serious self-doubt about my worth crept in, and i got to the point where i had almost convinced myself that my family would be better off if i weren't there.

grieving is a seriously difficult process, and the only thing that can help really, is time.
cliche - maybe......
but time is the only thing that has got me through.

 

[aegis9591]

Thanks for that WQ, it makes a heck of a lot of sense....

The numbness, and nothingness is doing just that, spilling over into everyday life. As well as that, tasks which I previously took for granted, are now incredibly difficult. I also find myself getting "grumpy" at people for no apparent reason.

Fortunately for me, I have an incredibly supportive wife. One way in which she supports, is to act as my backstop. If I forget to do something, she either sorts it for me, or reminds me !

I honestly dont know how I would have coped without her..

I know everyone deals with grief in their own personal and private way and that no two ways are the same, but I still feel like an asshole because I seem to have locked the whole thing away inside and wont let it out ! I reckon it will come out one day when I am nice and relaxed and least expecting it....

I still cant listen to Mike & The Mechanics "In the living years" though... Wayyyy too painful !

 

[warrior queen]

my actual 'crying grief' came out when i was least expecting it.
i was driving on the freeway to the city to attend lunch with an old friend, when all of a sudden i thought of my brother, and the tears just started to flow.
i progressed to fits of loud crying, and had to pull over into the breakdown lane and stop the car.
several motorists stopped over the next 3 hours (yes, i bawled my eyes out on the side of the road for over 3 hours!) but i couldn't really tell them and just waved them on their way.

this happened 3 years to the day after he died.

and that's the only time i have ever cried for him.

now, i look back to the times we had together with a fondness, softness and a tinge of regret that there won't be any more, but i am well on my way to overcoming my grief.

it never really goes away completely, and i find myself thinking about him at the oddest moments, but it's more 'in the background' of what makes me a person, than in the forefront of every thought these days.

everyone i know thinks of me as a strong person, but for several years there, i thought i was the weakest, most ineffectual being.

 

[Mr.G]

One thing I will add is:

if there is any way you can encourage a loved one or even a friend to LET IT OUT will help. We are not meant to bottle this up. The "Men don't cry." philosophy is BS. Bottle this up and it eats at you. I've seen it happen.

The grief process is intensely private. Unless you have THAT kind of relationship with somebody grieving they usually have to do it alone. But encourage it. Give them time alone. Expect emotional outbursts and realize it's not directed at you it is just a blunderbuss reaction to what they are feeling. One thing you get rid of if you allow yourself to grieve is that your mind comes to terms with what has happened. If you stifle the grief process the times that it does well up produces a weird effect that is often misdirected rage or anger. They have stifled the grief so when it does wash over them they can't handle the intensity so the only way to deal with it is to change it into something they can handle. That's usually anger. With accidents, things like aneurysms, heart attacks, cancer etc etc etc there IS nobody to actually blame so they pick somebody in their life and they become the brunt of this rage. Don't let or allow this to happen.

I'm not a believer in grief councelling but that, again is personal. If that's what you feel you need do it but find a good one. Some kid fresh out of a community college course telling you what "you're allowed to feel" would envoke the rage response in me so I satyed away and just worked it out by myself. LOTS of people do need that so go for it if that's the case.

Again good luck and remember the advice in these threads is for everybody because EVERYBODY goes through this shit sooner or later. It is nice to know what to expect - sort of.

 

[warrior queen]

i tried grief counselling - and it failed miserably for me.
first i tried the group therapy thing, because that's all i could find - but as i sat in that room, listening to other people telling their own painful stories, it dawned on me that the very LAST thing i wanted to be doing, was sitting in a room full of other peoples pain.
why the hell would i want to do that, when i had enough of my own?

then i tried the one-on-one therapy thing, where i got to speak to a counsellor all to myself.....
..... who tried telling me that part of my grief was because my brother had 'abandoned' me by dying.
he made me soooooooo furious with that one statement, that i got up, walked out, and promised myself that i would never go back.

grief counselling did not work for me, but that's not to be taken as an indictment of the counselling process - i know many people who have been immeasurably helped through these couselling services.

keep an open mind - if you think you'd like to try these counselling therapies, go right ahead.

they just weren't what i, as an individual, needed to go through.

 

[warrior queen]

Re: One thing I will add is:

if there is any way you can encourage a loved one or even a friend to LET IT OUT will help. We are not meant to bottle this up. The "Men don't cry." philosophy is BS. Bottle this up and it eats at you. I've seen it happen.

i actually don't agree that this is always the best way to go.
it irritated the hell out of me, that every single person in my life was constantly telling me to 'let it all out'.
i just wanted them to leave me alone!

i wanted them to be there, in the background, for when i might need them - but i HATED the fact that they (who weren't as closely affected by his death) had the gall to try and tell me how i should grieve!
i know the weren't really trying to do that NOW - but back then, it just felt like they were pushing me to feel a certain way, and i couldn't grieve according to their wishes.

not sure if that makes any sense *sigh*

The grief process is intensely private. Unless you have THAT kind of relationship with somebody grieving they usually have to do it alone. But encourage it. Give them time alone. Expect emotional outbursts and realize it's not directed at you it is just a blunderbuss reaction to what they are feeling. One thing you get rid of if you allow yourself to grieve is that your mind comes to terms with what has happened. If you stifle the grief process the times that it does well up produces a weird effect that is often misdirected rage or anger. They have stifled the grief so when it does wash over them they can't handle the intensity so the only way to deal with it is to change it into something they can handle. That's usually anger. With accidents, things like aneurysms, heart attacks, cancer etc etc etc there IS nobody to actually blame so they pick somebody in their life and they become the brunt of this rage. Don't let or allow this to happen.

the best advice i can give regarding the 'directed anger'?

learn not to take a grieving person's anger personally.
we don't mean it - we simply can't control it for a while.

 

[Mr.G]

YA

I've heard WAAY too many stories like that. Hey we have emotions. Get over it. Macho or not when we feel hurt it's because we're hurting. When we feel sadness it's because we're sad. When we feeel like crying there is a damn good reason. Let it out. Having some kid tell you what you're allowed to feel struck me as nonsense but then again there are good ones out there who will just listen and encourage you to let it all out.

Grief is NOT something you jump over in one leap. It's more like an obstacle course with new bumps and traps all along the route. The traps and speed bumps just get smaller and smaller as time passes. I believe the avg. time for a "normal" person is 2and a half to three years before they can consider themselves out of the woods. You ALWAYS feel that loss and the intensity CAN come back at any time but those occasions are momentary. The obstacles (memories, songs tastes, smells) are small and you get over them quickly. THOSE are the times to sit back and acknowledge what a great time you had with them when they were here and that you still love them.

You know that piece in the marriage ceremony that sez, "until death do you part" ? Ya, well it doesn't work like that. They are around LOONG after that.

 

[SweetErika]

I've had good experiences with counseling in general, and grief counseling specifically. It helped me to hear what I was experiencing was normal and that it would get better in time. But you all are right, it's different for everyone, and requires a talented counselor and probably a person who really believes in counseling in the first place.

Hopefully I can make a good compromise by inviting my husband to talk and show his emotions, but not push it.

 

[Mr.G]

Ahahahahaha

"i progressed to fits of loud crying, and had to pull over into the breakdown lane" Weird but I found that absolutely hilarious! I guess the Highway Depts know that 50% of the drivers are women!

(snort!)

Sue had a twin sister. She was sitting beside me when the neurologist told us it (the aneurysm) was a 5/5 and that where / how it happened, she very well could have had a CatScan the day before and nothing out of the ordinary would have been seen.

Within 2-3 weeks, according to friends, she started to blame me. I haven't spoken to her since a week after the funeral. I called over and over, dropped by. From being busy, about to go out, "I'll call you tomorrow"s, etc it just got more and more hostile until I stopped trying. I simply couldn't deal with the hostility AND what I was feeling too. I saw that family almsot everyday for 21 years, helped raise their kids, took their parents to the docs all the time and all in a second that entire part of my life ended.

Many times it is not just the grief of loss but the radical changes in ones life that happens after an event like this. Bad enough the loss but then add to that the trauma of losing half your "friends" , half your family ... and the feelings of finality about it....that for the rest of this life - THIS is how it's going to be. I look at couiples today and it's like I know a deep dark secret about them that even they don't know. I know how, one day, they are going to feel when one of them loses the other.

I'm rambling. Sorry. It's just that, as I said, there are so many facets to a loss of a loved one. If you don't know or trust your feelings then a councelor can provide some insight as to what to expect. The thing is a coumcelor only knows ONE aspect of that loss and can only advise on that. This hits you from a dozen different directions - all at once or over time - and only you have to deal with it.

Come to think of it maybe that IS why they call them breakdown lanes!

 

[SweetErika]

I often wonder if I could actually live through the death of my husband, or mom, for that matter. You are all as strong as I hope to be someday.

Mr. G (and everybody else), ramble on if it makes you feel better. We're all good "listeners".

 

[aegis9591]

I often wonder if I could actually live through the death of my husband, or mom, for that matter.

I had thoughts like this over the weekend. I was sat in a cafe in town, listening two elderly ladies discussing how much they missed their husbands. It suddenly dawned on me (morbid I know) that failing a major catastrophe, either myself, or my wife will have to deal with the loss of our loved one.

At that moment, I felt really concerned for my wife and how she would deal with it. So I discussed it with her and she told me that she has thought about it, but because it is such a sad thing to think about, she has filed it away.

I feel thats a good thing. Hopefully, we are going to live long lives, and enjoy the happiness which we currently share for many years to come. I dont feel it is right to allow the thought that that happiness will be taken away from us one day years from now, to interfere with our lives today.

So with that in mind, we decided we would live for today, and worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Does that sound selfish ?

 

[warrior queen]

I often wonder if I could actually live through the death of my husband, or mom, for that matter. You are all as strong as I hope to be someday.

Mr. G (and everybody else), ramble on if it makes you feel better. We're all good "listeners".

nobody really knows how they're going to be able to cope until it actually happens.
grief is not something you can 'plan' for, nor is it ever the same for two people.

apparently, when my SO came home to tell me my brother had passed away, i went completely berserk. i hit him, punched, slapped, bit, screamed and called him a liar for daring to tell me something like that.
i say 'apparently', because i have no memory whatsoever of those first 6 to 8 hours after being told.

i also had the unfortunate task of telling my mother and father the bad news - and i recall my mother just went into complete shock, sitting there with no tears, no sound, nothing.
i had to tell my dad over the phone (he lives on the other side of the country) and he fainted when he heard. my step-mum told me he was out for hours.

if i could give one single piece of advice to anyone who wonders how they might cope with the loss of a loved one - it would be "don't think about it before you have to."
enjoy every second you have right now, in the moment, and leave any thoughts of loss completely alone.
it will be the worst thing to ever happen to you, and there is absolutely no point in trying to imagine your reactions, because guaranteed, when it does happen, everything you could possibly have thought about was trivial compared to that moment when you lose someone.

loss and death are a part of the cycle of our lives, and sooner or later everyone has to deal with it.
and believe me, when it happens, you WILL have the strength needed, because there is no alternative.